One Step at a Time

It started with a ticking fridge. The ticking made me think of a bomb counting down. How long would it tick until the fridge quit altogether?

I took a risk and believed it would be good for one more week. I booked a service call for this afternoon (one week after the initial phone call). I didn't want the service person to think I was a slob so I did "one hard thing" before 8 am. I pulled out the fridge and cleaned behind and under it.

Our fridge has been leaking something green for quite some time now. The fridge just kept on working, so I ignored the green dye which was infiltrating the floor and baseboard behind the fridge. But this morning, all I could think of was the new flooring which I have been dreaming about.

I don't want a new floor to be stained so I dropped into our friendly, neighborhood used appliance store and bought a new-to-me fridge to replace our present day green-oozing-ticking fridge time bomb. It should be delivered any time now ...

Add the flooring guy into the mix. He was scheduled to drop by to measure the house this afternoon. I had all but cancelled the idea until this morning. This morning, I knew without a doubt that I want to get new flooring in the kitchen. NO doubt about it. This flooring has seen better days and this IS a room I could define a definite "start" and "stop" point.

So ... my flooring guy is en route as well.

ONE step at a time. FIRST, replace the fridge. SECOND, decide on the flooring.

One room? Or the entire main floor? Who knows where this saga will end.

Building Rome

To renovate or not to renovate ... that is the question.

I was feeling stirred on by Marie Kondo's pep talks on the joy of tidying up. So much so, that I took a very brave step and checked into flooring yesterday.

If it wasn't for the job of emptying out the top floor of our home while the job was done and the knowledge that it would only make good sense to paint everything while the rooms were empty, I think I'd be hopping on this band wagon and simply getting the job done.

It makes a lot of sense to do the job in one fell swoop but the mere idea of it overwhelms me.

So today? I did nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Rome wasn't built in a day. Rome wasn't a renovation project where half the job is emptying "what was" to make room for "what will be". Nor did Rome's construction project have to be fit in after regular working hours.

Two steps back, then one step into a new work week. Sigh ...😩

A Very Good Day

You know a day is going to be a good one when it starts with the words "Do you want to go to brunch this morning?"

9:54 a.m., I received that message. It is now 9:02 p.m. One good turn led to the next, the next and the next and the next thing you know? The day was done.

I had a very good visit; came home and made turkey soup and visited some more. I dreamed a few dreams and some very good seeds have been planted.

I have been nourished from the inside, out today. It was a very good day.

And that's all I have to say about that!

What is Next?

As I look back at "life", I can see how one life event prepared me for what happened next. I have learned the lessons I have needed to know in order to take the next forward step. Life has been very kind that way. It has taught me everything I have needed to know.

Our Senior Cat's illness and eventual death taught me how to advocate, show up and just enjoy the moments we had, while we had them. We didn't know what was around the next corner but we learned to savor the good stuff.

I was as mentally prepared for his death as one could possibly be. My head knew. But my heart hadn't caught up. The days preceding and following the day Andre took his last breath were heart breaking.

I learned that it was an honor to be with him when he died. He was not alone. It was sad but the consolation was knowing HE knew he was not alone.

I learned everything I needed to know to walk a very parallel path with Mom. She was not alone when she took her last breath. Who was with her wasn't as important as knowing SOMEONE was with her. I truly believe she knew she was not alone.

What was life preparing me for?

The irony does not escape me that both of the men I have had long and lasting relationships with, are struggling with their own health issues.

My (ex)husband has his parents and family to walk this walk with him. Though his future is bleak, he is not alone. For this, I am grateful.

It is my youngest son's father who is a concern. He is very much alone. He lives alone. Though two of his children live close by, he leads a rather isolated life. He is not well and seems to be getting progressively worse.

He has asked for my help.

I loved this man. I have respected this man. He is the father of my child. He is a good man. And he is alone.

I know the rule that has guided me through my life since Dad was hospitalized will prevail. A counsellor suggested I guide my actions by asking myself the question: "What can you live with after he is gone?"

What is next? I don't know. One step in front of another. What can I live with? The next right thing. Show up. That is all I know ...

Finding a Good Fit

Have you ever struggled and struggled to make something work? Despite the fact that you know you want something so much, the fit just isn't comfortable. But you try, try and try some more?

A job. A relationship. A piece of clothing that looked so good in the store. A house. A car.

There are so very many things we try to make work in our lives. Yet ... it just isn't right.

Meet "Jet". Our Bored Little Kitty.

Jet is a master of wanting what he can't have. 

He enjoys tormenting "Ray" (his senior partner in cathood). I do believe this is a ploy to get our attention. 

He claws, picks and scratches at the back door because he wants it open when HE wants it open. 

Jet is a fan of "new". He is a guy who appears to thrive on change. New toys, a new paper bag, a box or anything without a familiar scent. 

This morning, he jumped onto our paper shredder and somehow managed to turn it on. Thankfully he was not alone. The shredder would have run all day and who knows what trouble Jet's curiosity could have caused. He did turn on the "reverse" function so one can hope all would have been fine. I took the lesson out of Jet's misdeed and unplugged the shredder. It never should have been left plugged in to start with. 

Kids and cats. You never know what danger lurks until you share a roof with those who are in a constant state of discovering the world.

This has become Jet's newest morning resting spot:

He is presently resting atop the printer. He jumps up there, mangles any papers which may have preceded his presence. He turns in circles, turns the printer "on", on a regular basis (he hasn't sent a fax in a while, though he has tried in the past) and struggles to find a comfortable place to rest. 

As it is with those clothes, relationships, jobs, etc, etc that are just not a good fit no matter how hard we try, I must ask Jet this question:

"If you have to struggle so hard to make this work for you ... do you really think this is where you are meant to be right now?"

May you find comfort within your day today.

Jet may add a P.S.: 

"If you can make an uncomfortable situation comfortable, perhaps it IS worth the effort."

Breaking All the Rules

I set out (what I thought were) a few easy guidelines to follow in order to change my life. It sounded easy. "Rest when you are tired" and "Eat when you are hungry". I tacked on "Do one hard thing every day" because I was feeling brave.

Well!

Rest when you are tired. I was tired when I was at work. My eyes wanted to slam shut and stay there for a short spell. It was SO hard to stay awake, so we walked instead. That worked (and walking is better than eating).

After overruling my tiredness, I came home and didn't feel "tired". I felt overwhelmed by the day. I was so overwhelmed that I forgot to pick up my son from University. I didn't realize the error of my ways until I pulled into the driveway and noticed the living room curtains were exactly how I left them.

Oh no!! I had completely forgotten about my son. Thankfully he is 20 years old, had a cell phone and when I called to let him know him I was on my way, he just laughed. Whew.

Back to my story...

As I was saying, by the time I returned home (the second time) I wasn't tired. I was just tired of the day. So I reached for food. I wasn't hungry. I was empty. I filled the void with food. As I did this, I thought "There goes 'Rule #1' "; followed by the thought "Who cares!" and "Why didn't I pick up chips on the way home??"

To be very honest, my obsession with the knowledge that there were NO chips in the house is very likely the reason I forgot to pick up my son. My prevailing thought after work was "Should I pick up some chips??" I was so proud of myself for making the right choice and coming straight home, the fact that my son waiting for me didn't even cross my mind.

Overruling exhaustion when it hits is a bad habit I noticed my young daycare crowd had when it came to trying to avoid sleeping at nap time. Some of these little people were tired and cranky AND fought sleep. When they slept, they were so much more content, happy and easy to be around.

When I fight the waves of exhaustion, I "manage" but my tolerance to let the small stuff slide slips. I push myself through the day. I stay awake when my body is craving sleep. I come home and think I deserve a reward for getting through the day.

Thus, I break rule #1 and rule #2 that I made for myself. I eat to stay awake.

Admitting I have a problem isn't solving the issue at hand. I need to do the hard work myself. Last night I went to bed when I was tired (after the bowl of popcorn was gone). I woke up feeling rested. The weight of the world isn't sitting on my shoulders (though I think it did take up residence in my neck because it was a bit of a mess this morning).

During the week, doing "one hard thing each day" = "leaving the house". On some level I am succeeding. I think back to one year ago today and I know I have come a long way.

A year ago, my thoughts were completely consumed with Mom. I was low. I felt lost. I felt like I was dragging around the weight of the world with each and every step. Leaving the house felt physical painful. It was soooo hard.

I've come a long way. But I have a long way to go.

One Hard Thing Leads to Another

Yesterday had the power to be like every other day which has proceeded it. I could have so very easily have frittered away another afternoon. In fact, as I sit here fighting the waves of exhaustion this morning I am wondering why I felt the need to add "hard things" into my life when things were going so well before. But ...

And there IS a "but" ...

I did all the things a procrastinator does to avoid the job at hand. I did all that. And I still had three uncommitted hours at my disposal. So I started.

I didn't get knee deep in the culling process of ridding myself of the excess. I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to the project of decluttering, disposing and organizing any time this week. So I simply began putting "like things together" so I can deal with them at a later date.

I started collecting all of our linens and bedding together in one closet. I have amassed the collection of income tax papers together in another. I put all my letters to Mom in ONE spot. The onerous task of collecting every book in the house and putting it in one spot was too much to tackle. What I have attempted to do instead, is to begin to create a temporary home for the books so a proper bookcase can be built to store that which remains after all is said and done.

I have emptied one large container in order to fill it up with "everything office related" at a later date. I emptied a dresser. I have collected empty boxes and containers to help sort and organize as I move forward through this process.

I am starting to see the end goal. The REASON I became overwhelmed with the task of going through everything of Mom's that found its way into our home is because I want to create a quiet oasis to read, reflect, sit and wonder within our home. But how do you begin, when that oasis is full to overflowing with "stuff". Important stuff. Mom's stuff ...

As I sorted, organized and physically touched everything that came from Mom's home yesterday, I felt peaceful. The state of feeling overwhelmed was superseded by the sparks of joy as I felt the history of each belonging. I scanned over some of the cards I wrote. I was grateful I said what I said, when I said it. They are worth saving ...

I am emptying "Mom's room" so I can move forward. I have known I wanted a Murphy Bed in that room for years on end. I love having the ability to extend invitations which say "I have three spare bedrooms. Come. Stay. Feel at home here." Yet, I truly want to create a cozy little reading spot within our home. No TV. No cell phones or electronics. Just books. Good light. Perhaps a place to write.

If I build it ...