Going Home Again

I did it! I have finalized and tweaked my upcoming three-day-vacation plans. I have contacted those I hope to see and set up some tentative times to meet. And I've given myself the gift of one extra night.

During the last of my visits with Mom, I offered to leave Monday morning and she readily agreed to having someone in the house one more night. That bonus day became exactly that. One more day. One more night. One more visit. 

I would leave nice and early Monday morning and be home in time to make it to my bonus job. Every weekend felt like a long weekend when I tacked on that extra night.

As I mapped out my plans for my visit back in Mom's old neighborhood, I hoped I would be able to arrange visits with those I've missed seeing (so much!) since the pandemic changed our world. It has always been my intention to keep going back to visit family and friends after Mom died. The year 2020 changed all of that.

I have maintained relationships with those-at-a-distance since I moved away from my old neighborhood 35 years ago. I became a loyal customer to Canada Post, weekly letters to Mom, occasional letters to friends, birthdays, Christmas, thank you and thinking of you cards and notes were second nature to me. Long distance phone calls were a luxury back in those days, before discounted long distance calling and long distance phone deals were invented. That didn't deter me. I could write to anyone at any time of the day or night and know my letter in the mail would not be an interruption in their day. It would sit quietly on its own and would be opened in due time. I wasn't an inconvenience to anyone. I loved those days.

Then came email. Instant receipt of my long winded letters in emails. Once again, I was quietly assured that my email would only be read when the recipient had time. Emails don't require an instant response though the turnaround time to send and receive an email certainly trumped the postal system. 

I could send out a number of emails at one time. "Send and forget" was my motto. I was very brave issuing invitations because I could invite a number of people at one time and there was no score keeping. I didn't take a non-response as an insult. I cast a wide net and those who were inclined, were free to join in. No expectation. No disappointment. I lived my glory days via email. It was a good time.

Then ... came cell phones. I didn't have the ability to send or receive texts on my first phone. Nor did I want that feature. Cell phones are for emergencies or when you aren't near a landline. I didn't want people to have my cell number because I considered my phone a call-out-only convenience. If I wasn't home, I didn't want to be talking on the phone.

Well ... all of that has changed. When I finally updated my old cell phone, my new one came with a cell phone package that included texting. This was back in 2010. I was still new to texting and though it was a novelty and kind of fun to send and receive instant messages, I wasn't entirely sold on the idea as a way of life.

I don't know how it happened. But it has. The convenience of texting and receiving instant gratification more often than not, I ended up being "one of those people" who utilized their cell phone as a regular means of communication. Whether I was home or not. 

The expectation of receiving an immediate response has changed me. Much to my chagrin, I have started keeping score. I love that I have friends and family who are known for only reading and responding to messages when it is a good time for them. No slight intended. They have kept me grounded and saved me from myself. As much as I fall back into the "I wonder why I haven't heard back...", I can talk myself down. Perhaps my message wasn't received. No time to respond. Maybe they simply forgot to reply or hit the "Send" button after thinking they had responded (I've done this on more occasions than I can remember).

Long story short, I have talked myself into believing I may not even have friends in my old neighborhood who are all that interested in visiting with me when I'm out. Just how much of a friend have I been lately? I don't call. I don't write. I don't reach out. Would I want to be my friend? Maybe my wish for isolation was granted [be careful what you wish for].

I sat still with those thoughts until they had time to marinade a little. It was a good reminder for me to be more of the friend I want to be. So I started reaching out to those who I hoped to see. And they responded. They like me! They still like me!! Even after I took COVID restrictions to the max and isolated myself ever so much longer than necessary.

 I can go home again!! And I will ensure I do my best to keep that door open.

Stay at Home Recommendations

Storm warning alerts bombarded my phone this morning. A winter storm watch has given me permission to stay home this weekend. Ahhh.

I love, love, love my little home-away-from-home. I tend to forget just how much I enjoy being there until I open the door upon my arrival. Then I fall in love with this little oasis away from home all over again. But I have been longing to just stay put lately.

Staying home is so simple. No preparation required. Cool winter weather, ice, snow and wind just make me want to hunker down and hibernate. 

I have felt a warm and welcome invitation to winter this year. Shortened days equate to less expectations. Cool weather makes my cozy winter socks feel like a warm hug. Winter weather conditions dictate stay-at-home recommendations. It is like COVID restrictions all over again. And I'm in. I'm ALL in!

I want to reserve my social and out-of-home energy for a mini-holiday (who else in the world calls a three day getaway a holiday?) coming soon. It takes extra energy to be "on" on a weekend. This energy is easily recharged when I'm around those who I am hoping to see while away. It will be exactly what I don't know I need. I can feel it already.

But this weekend? I am grateful for the recommendation to just stay home.

Life Hurts

When our bodies heal as they usually do and life resumes in an orderly fashion after being inconvenienced with aches and ailments that go away as they have done in the past, we are fortunate.

I have a recurring irritation that tends to heal itself but in the middle of the process I have started to wonder, "What if this is the time it doesn't go away?" It seems to be stress related and when my stressors subside so does my discomfort. What if those very stressors continued to stay on high alert?

In a valiant effort to save time, I was so very excited to book my flu shot and the latest COVID vaccination on the same day. The time it steals from my day is the biggest inconvenience but pretty painless all in all. Except when the day settles down and I stop moving my arms. Oooo. That hurt. I stretched and moved my arms until I went to bed and then I slept with a heated wheat bag which soothed me and my arm and served as a positive diversion from my attention to the pain which had found me. 

My hip started to ache at the tail end of a rather lengthy hike. That one kept me up at night. I stretched. I moved. I stretched some more. The next day it was not back to normal. I kept moving and carried on with my day. In the midst of this longer-than-usual discomfort, I wondered "Is this what starts to happen when one needs joints replaced?" I can't even remember if it lingered a little longer or not. Whether it lasted one day or two is not the point. The point is it fixed itself. I just kept moving and whatever may have been inflamed settled down on its own.

As I thought of recent minor ailments that have come and gone, this post was writing itself in my mind. Then it happened again. Out of the blue, after a completely normal day, at the day's end  my knee started to feel a little sharp pang (more like a ping) when I walked on it. I was careful not to irritate it but soon enough I was resting and soon asleep. End of story. Nope. I woke up this morning and the little pangs continued. Heat? No, my knee simply felt like it wanted a little support. I wrapped a tension bandage around my knee and if felt like a nice little hug. As I walked around and tended to my morning to-do-list, soon enough my knee was back to normal.

Sometimes I need to remove restrictions to avoid irritation. Other times I need a little constriction to feel a little extra support. Sometimes I can stretch it out. Other times a little extra heat does the trick.

I wonder if my minor maladies mirror what is going on with my mental state of being. Sometimes I feel too constricted. Other times I need bit of support. Sometimes I can keep moving and stretching my mind and my coping mechanisms. Other times I just need to cozy up and sleep it off.

In the middle of these discomforts I tend to forget they are temporary. My head knows this to be true but my inner child feels a little whiny and just wants to feel back to normal. Now.

Listening to our body. Listening to our thoughts. Listen. Try to feel what your body, mind and soul are telling you. This isn't a cure all but it is free of charge, no medicinal ingredients required and just another instance of sometimes having what you need is closer than you know.

I'm not a doctor. This is not professional advise. It is simply things that work for me when the chips are down. I think my body is doing just fine but my state of mind? It needs a little TLC from time to time.

Please take good care of yourself and let your body tell you what it needs. Call for medical advise when your body is screaming "Help!" but while waiting for relief see if your instincts are telling you how to manage things until medical aid is received.

Doing All the Things

Whew! I am so glad I know how to relax like a pro and grateful I stopped to pause when I did. Life has felt busy the past several days.

Saturday, I let the day slip through my fingers and savored every moment of it. It was a day of early morning errands so I wouldn't have to do any of those tasks in the days/week to follow. Followed by a day of mindless TV; easy eating; a little bit of snacking; and I was ready for bed shortly after 6:30.

"It's okay. You'll be glad you slept," I told myself as I headed for bed in the early hours of our long nights.

Sunday, I wanted to finish reading a book. So I did. I also wanted to get a head start on my work week. So I did that too. I had taken out hamburger so that had to be cooked. I knew Monday morning wouldn't be long enough so I prepared tuna salad for sandwiches the next day. I also knew I would be hard pressed to make time to wash my hair the next morning so I did that too.

Whew! It was a long, hard day but no regrets. Every single hard thing I did that day made room for Monday.

Month-end landing on a Monday is one of my most unfavorite things. What feels like a zillion things to do (in reality, probably between ten to twenty things), with the clock ticking every moment away. AND I somehow managed to book my COVID vaccination and flu shot Monday morning. As a rule, all of the hard end-of-the-month-tasks are tended to, by the 30th. So booking an appointment on the 31st isn't an unreasonable choice to make. C'est la vie.

Never again, but I got all the things done.

I soon realized my appointment to donate blood was today. The first of the month. Again, not normally unreasonable thinking to book such an appointment. When I realized the errors of my ways, all I could think was "It will be nice to get all of that done and over with so quickly". It will be, but this morning's morning tasks were doubled up with my own personal month-end-accounting and banking and figuring. 

The clock is ticking and I must get out the door. All the things will be done before noon today. 

I get to celebrate my success by taking my aunt to her quarterly appointment at the lab.

Fun times never end. Tomorrow, I will be on easy street again.

It's a good thing I rested. 

Feeling Reflective

It is a "third cup of coffee" kind of day. I have frittered away my bonus morning hours reflecting and rereading my own words. It is no wonder we find such solace in relationships where we speak openly and honestly and are "real". I find comfort simply rereading my own words. 

I was reading between all the lines of what I wrote, recognizing the truths known only to me that are woven into the general stories I retell here. I am longing to physically remove myself from my reality and put some distance between real life and find a renewed perspective.

I miss my visits with Mom. During her final year, I made the five hour road trip regularly. Five hours to be still with my thoughts. Five hours to distance myself from my regularly scheduled life. Days with Mom where we visited for hours on end and Mom said all the motherly things my sister now says.

It is no wonder I find such solace in my little weekend oasis an hour out of the city. Not as much distance but gas prices have inflated to a point where one hour of driving is nearing the cost of my five hour drives six years ago.

A place to call home and share conversations where I hear Mom's voice echoed back and forth between my sister and me. Ahhh.

I'm planning to go "home" again soon. I have found a place to stay in Mom's old neighborhood. I have enough AirMiles accumulated to subsidize the gas prices. I have accumulated points on my credit card to cover a little frivolous spending and dining out. I am hoping for weather mild enough to wander the streets and back alleys where I grew up. I have family and friends to spend my time with and even the luxury of inviting them to my little home-away-from-home.

What used to be a regular old trip has become a vacation. I am longing for the sense of peace I get when surrounded by my past with a good dose of presence of people I feel so close and comfortable with.

Hanging on By a Thread

Life is fine. I'm doing okay. All is well enough within the confines of my small little world. But am I the only one who feels like I'm just hanging on and dangling by a thread until the next wave of the unknown hits?

Ever since the COVID pandemic stunned the planet with the ability to paralyze the world and leave no one untouched by the effects, I have a feeling I'm not alone with the unsteadiness of the ground beneath my feet.

On a personal level it is the unknowns that lie before me that have stopped me in my tracks. I'm regaining my footing but I'm ever wary of each forward step I take. It's like descending a staircase in the dark. Tentatively putting one foot out and feeling for the security of the next step while the other foot is on solid ground. All-the-while, holding onto the banister just in case the stairway gives out.

Work. Family. Health. Finances. Future. These are the things that will forever remain tentative and subject to change.

I marvel at my good fortune. All of the above is stable and I have faith all will work out in the end no matter how much I attempt to plan. 

I feel like I'm living in the state of "before". "Before COVID"; "Before" all the life changing situations which seemingly happened out of the blue but there is a distinct divide in the "before" and "after" timeline.

Hanging by a thread. More like a spider's web. Caught up in my thoughts more than anything at all. 

Everything is okay. I'm just wary of the ground I'm standing on. Feeling a little like I'm finding my way through a house of mirrors. The secret is to look at the ground. Keep grounded. 

I had no idea I was going to write this. Not sure where this came from. It all started with the feeling I was walking into the day hanging on by a thread ...

Time Warp

Time has a magical way of ticking away no matter if one is sleeping or awake.

I started waking up early enough to give myself two bonus morning hours. The first few days were magical. Every time I looked at the clock, I patted myself on the back. I would have still been sleeping at this time last week. Each extra morning minute was a blessing.

Then life happened.

I started "doing all the hard things" so when my work day began, I had no tasks, phone calls, follow-ups or chores left. I opened my office door and worked with little distraction. I got things accomplished, in and out of that little office.

Then technology failed me.

I have oh-so-many tales to tell. One issue resolved is filled up by the next which had been silently waiting in line. I ticked off the boxes, fixed all I could fix myself and called for help when necessary. What would have buried me back in my early days of "computering" was managed sufficiently. 

Then came the challenges I brought on myself. "Oh no! The dishwasher isn't working right!!" I had forgotten I had run a rinse cycle the last time I used it; changed the settings; fixed. "Oh no! The kettle isn't working either!!" I had forgot to turn it on. "Oh no!! The microwave won't work!!" That one required outside assistance in the form of a might handy son. "Oh no! I can't sign into [something I set up last week]" I was accessing the account from the wrong site. 

Sometimes? We create our own havoc.

Yesterday, all was going according to plan. Until it wasn't. A phone call that was supposed to be a cut and dried answer and fix to my dilemma took an hour before I had to abandon ship and tend to incoming work calls and text messages. 

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. So I left.Two prior unsuccessful attempts to make bank deposits for my employer resulted in my decision to make this deposit close to home at (what I thought would be) a time when the bank wasn't busy. A chivalrous young person opened the door for me to enter and I repaid the favor by ensuring they got their place in front of me in the non-existent line. Their turn arrived swiftly. Mine didn't. Ten minutes in line. Five minutes with a new teller learning the ropes. Tick. Tick. Tick.

I had barely left home when the "check engine light" came on. Today? Really? Why do things feel like they compound on an already challenging day?

Another busy day at the office resulted in my mind pinging from one task to the next, fielding tasks which used to fall outside my realm of duty. Talking on the land line, when my cell phone rings is becoming part of my new reality. It happened again. And again. 

Finally, finally, finally!! The end of my day was nearing when I received an important call back in regards to my second job at the EXACT moment my son walked in the back door. I had to abandon (what I assumed would be) a brief face-to-face encounter with family, for the sake of duty.

Sigh.

I toyed with the idea of stopping at the store and picking up some chips at the end of my very long day (made even longer by getting up two hours early!), but talked myself out of it. I just wanted to go home.

How would the day have unfolded if I hadn't gotten up early? How did those hours vanish into thin air? Would I have maintained my sense of peace without those bonus morning hours? Perhaps not.

Even when one grants themselves a little extra time it often gets lost as the day progresses. If something you do brings a sense of calm into what may or may not become a hectic day, do it anyway. You deserve it.