Work Done, Work Undone, So Much Work Left to Do

And so the pendulum swings ...

After my "high as a kite" day on Saturday, I could barely sleep that night. Perhaps that large cup of coffee after supper wasn't the wisest idea but I kind of liked the idea of prolonging my wakefulness after a such a good day.

My mind was busy all night, thinking of all that needed to be done to "undo" what has been done by my team of worker bees.

A month ago, my Handyman Guy fixed the screen door so it actually latched all by itself. Last week, my Fridge Mover Guys (yes, our new/used fridge had to be replaced, which meant moving the broken fridge upstairs and out the back door and moving the new (much larger) fridge through the same door and back downstairs) did something to the door-closing mechanism and it stopped closing by itself again.

Our Back Alley Workers backed into our fence a few months ago and after it was repaired, the gate would only open wide enough for a person to walk through it. So, Saturday morning, I had that fixed so it now fully opens. Only now, the gap under the gate is now large enough for our cats to crawl out under it.

We had window cut into our downstairs bedroom and they had to displace an extraordinary amount of dirt to dig the window well and they messed up our perfectly good, freshly laid landscape fabric and rocks which my son did for me only a month ago.

Not to mention the ice sled full of dirt which was left on the lawn. I thought I would just slide it onto the driveway and see if I could give the dirt away to someone who wanted it. Not only did the sled full of dirt start to kill the lawn where it sat but I couldn't even begin to budge it by myself.

I went outside and was thwarted at every turn.

I did come up with a "solution" to the gap under the gate:

Then my son helped me move the ice sled full of dirt off the grass and at least onto the rocks, to give the grass a fair shot at survival:

                                 

I googled "screen door won't latch" and figured out how to fix the hydraulic door closing mechanism on the screen door (but it still isn't as good as it was):

I thought I could fix up the landscaping rock by our new basement window but I got back there and realized I really didn't know what to do, needed to wait for the surrounding dirt to settle first anyway, nor did I have the tools I needed to do the job. So this is the before and after picture of our newly fixed "dog run" area:

 

When I came back into the house, all I could think of, was all which was just new and improved already in need of adjustments and repair,

One step forward, two steps back.

This whole domino effect of home renovations is taking the wind out of my sails. I know now, that we should have installed the new basement window first and then fixed up the dog run area. But it was the new and improved dog run which was the catalyst to everything that followed.

One small home improvement which I could not have done myself led me to a list of things I could accomplish.

One small action sparked more drive and ambition within me than I have seen in the past five years.

One domino tipped over created a whole raft of other dominoes to fall.

I don't regret it for a moment.

But is it too much to ask for one action not to cause the undoing of that-which-has-just-been-fixed? It's bad enough to have to do things once. But twice?

Good day, bad day. Work done, work undone.

It's kind of like making your bed in the morning. Is it really worth it when you know you will just be messing it up again?

Doing laundry, buying groceries, washing dishes, mowing the lawn, filling up the gas tank, haircuts, pedicures and washing one's hair. Life is full of things which are in a constant loop of needing to be done over and over and over again.

That's life. It's the "high cost of living". The alternative is not a good one.

What if we couldn't replenish our groceries, our gas tanks or didn't have a closet full of clothes to create laundry in the first place?

Yes, I am blessed to have a home in need of some TLC. I know this.

It's just harder to manage when the dominoes create such a flurry of spending. I need to put a cap on that and it isn't easy when that which has just been done creates a whole new raft of things to do.

I just want my "worker bees" to leave things in the same working order in which they found them. I want them to clean up their messes and not leave a bunch of "broken toys" in their wake.

Is that really too much to ask?

The Universe is Listening (be careful what you are thinking)

I went back and reread my posts of the past week to see where the changing of the tides began. Because boy, did they change!

I told a friend last night "I feel happy today. Genuinely happy. Usually I feel fine. Or okay. Or I can push through, but today I actually feel happy!"

I wrote a long, convoluted (definition: extremely complex and difficult to follow)  email to my brother last night. And within said email, I kept confessing my deep, dark secrets that I do not speak aloud and exactly how the outside world was reacting to these little true confessions of my mind.

I kept writing "don't tell anyone - this is a secret" because even though I purge a lot of words on a regular basis, I keep an awful lot to myself.

That quiet little voice inside of my head, that chides me, ridicules me, lets me dream a little dream and talks me down off a cliff (of overspending or over thinking or dreaming impossible dreams), sometimes makes me smile.

Yesterday my little internal conversation was one of the "what if I end up alone forever and ever?" kind and I was wondering if I should strike a "If we're both still single by the time we are 69 ..." pact, when "the universe" came through and placed a welcome distraction right in front of my path. Literally.

I dream a lot of dreams and this particular character has actually showed up in my dreams a time or two.

Feeling very brave and feisty inside my happy, delusional little mind, I actually said, "We should get together for coffee sometime" and we both nodded and smiled the way people do when they set a sometime, somewhere, maybe kind of "date" like it's never gonna happen.

This conversation catapulted me into a day which already felt very fine.

Little financial miracles unfolded all day. I am not kidding you. Right from the moment go.

A quote for finishing up the interior of our new basement window came in at the low end of the spectrum as my day began and ended with a friend buying me a coffee with several unexpected boons sprinkled generously throughout the day.

One week ago, I wrote a post revolving around this quote:

"Life is always listening to the silent requests of your heart and mind. What you have in your life right now is a function of your own requests." ~ Iyanla Vanzant

One week later, I am amazed and astounded in the way my thoughts have turned around. I somehow shifted the "woe is me" syndrome into one of empowerment.

Changing my thought processes into what I could do to empower myself turned things around. The universe reacted to my thoughts, my actions and even my amusing little pipe dreams which I never speak aloud.

"What you think about, you bring about."

Focusing on those silent requests of my mind has turned my world around in one short week. 

Holding Onto What is Good

Holding onto what I have verses letting go of the excess and that which is no longer needed has been my challenge of late.

It sounds easier than the reality.

But when I find a good home for items which have been collecting dust for years on end, it does my heart good.

It was almost five months ago when I started a mini decluttering spree. I boxed up and donated a lot of the excess.

At the end of that burst of energy, I ended up with a large box of papers to be shredded, two bags of various electronic equipment which no longer worked (but may be fixable) and an "As Seen on TV" random purchase which could hold some value to someone.

Yesterday was the day I finally dealt with "all of the above".

Kijiji is a wonderful thing. One person's garbage is another person's treasure. I have had close to 100% success with giving away &/or selling most everything I've advertised.

We live in a throw away world. It is cheaper to replace than repair most items. Appliances, electronics, furniture, pens, relationships ... you name it, it is easier to toss out the old and start anew.

So it is with great pleasure that I tell you that there are people out there willing to adopt a broken computer monitor, antiquated bathroom fixtures, printers and disfunctional DVD players. You people are my heroes.

I have only scratched the surface of the excess within our home but since I have been met with such success, I feel encouraged to rummage through the closets to see what else I can donate to the world at large.

Then there was the box of shredding that I just couldn't conquer.

We have a shredder that is on its last legs. It can shred two pieces of paper at a time and the motor heats up and dies after approximately 100 pages. I quite likely had over 2,000 pages of paper within that box sitting beside the printer in the kitchen. I have been chipping away at that task for almost five months and each time I looked at that incompleted task, I chided myself for procrastinating over the world's simplest job. I finally completed that task last night.

Another weight off my shoulder.

In this life of excess, I have been looking at my employment situation wondering which job I can let go, to give myself more breathing room.

My daycare is not only my bread and butter. It is my groceries, my mortgage and my life. My little daycare is equivalent to oxygen. Non negotiable. It stays.

My bookkeeping is a little bit of a thorn in my side. I feel good when I complete a day's work but I am so grateful it is not my "bread and butter". It is more like the jam. Nice to have on the side but not necessary.

My writing feeds my soul. Even when it isn't good, it is therapeutic. This writing out loud gig has been the one weighing heavily on my mind. When what I write isn't relate-able, encouraging, uplifting, thought provoking or slightly humorous from time to time I think I should give this up. Throw it away.

I have my foot in the door with five different publications out in this big, scary world. Do I throw that opportunity away? Or do I capitalize on it?

When I have the energy, conviction and confidence to do so, I normally go out there and "sell my writing" to the world. In the past, I have tried to add just one or two more publications to that list every spring. This past spring, I was depleted. I could not sell myself, let alone my "soul". In fact, I started to believe maybe it was time to throw in my pen and call it quits. I've been hovering in that place of indecision for quite some time now.

Then came my epiphany.

Last week, I decreased the credit limit on one of my credit cards. The one that I plan to utilize for on-line purchases only. The person on the other end of the phone line tried to talk me out of it but I knew it was best to keep my potential for overspending intact so I went ahead and decreased my limit.

Then, this very credit card company had a 0.99% interest offer for seven months, to pay off another credit card (which in turn, would have paid for my recent home renovations). I would have taken advantage of this offer, had my credit limit been what it was last week.

What you give away easily is not readily given back. I called this company to see if I could have my previous credit limit reinstated and it was not as easy as that. I had to apply for this increase of limit and due to my present net income, I would not qualify for that which I already had.

I gave that away so easily. And they would not give it back.

What if I had given away my privilege to write for these newspapers? I suspect it would have been much the same as my credit card company. They would not welcome me back with open arms if I changed my mind next week.

So I have decided to nurture that which I have. I am going to feed my soul by continuing to write. Whether it is good, bad or ugly I shall remain true to myself. Writing about what I know (and feel) best has always served me well.

The biggest compliment I have ever received is when someone on the reading end of my words replies with the simple message "I feel that way too!" It is better than any pay cheque in the world. Knowing we are not alone in our feelings, emotions and life's little challenges is worth its weight in gold.

The "Me too!" connection is the greatest friendship enhancer I know. Go out and spread your honesty with those you know and trust. Feel the connections grow when you put yourself on the line.

I do it (almost) every day. And the days that pay off the best are the days when just one person says "I feel the same way..."

Get rid of the excess emotions of guilt, anger, envy, hurt and whatever else may be weighing you down by saying the words out loud. It releases the pressure. And do you know what? More often than not, you will hear the response "I have felt the same way ..."

You are not alone.

Hold onto that which is good. Don't get rid of that when you are decluttering your life. It's hard to know what you have until you give it away and wish you hadn't.

Maybe that is why I have been having such a hard time with this job of getting rid of the excess. Do it in small increments and only when you are ready. Too much at one time may be a shock to your system.

Think of my paper shredder that overheats when it has done too much. Don't let it get to that point. Just whittle away at it and eventually one day the box will become empty. Only to fill up again ...

Indecision

I started this post yesterday morning and the mere act of writing spurred me into action.

Yesterday morning, this is what I wrote:

I'm stuck in the land of indecision. It is my most unfavorite place in the world.

This land of an unguaranteed income seems to be wreaking havoc with my ability to make any choice.

I wrote this, walked away, did that which was within my control and my world shifted on its axis.

I started by listing all that I was feeling indecisive about and realized, there was only ONE item where I actually had to make a choice. Every other item was something I just had to decide whether "to do" or "not to do".

There was truly only one item that blocked the progress of all the others. I couldn't decide what to do.

This is what I did next:

I tiptoed out of my safety zone to ask a few questions and was met with silence. The silence paralysed me. In order to take the next step, I needed a voice to encourage me past where I was.

Do you know how it feels to know what you want but be too frightened to reach out and grab it without some reassurance that it is going to be okay? Or is it just me?

I like back-up plans. Always have. Always will. If I really, really wanted to take a step forward within this cone of silence, I needed a plan.

With every "brave" decision I have made, I've always had a back-up plan. A safety net I could fall back on if necessary. As I sift through my memories, I can't remember a time I actually used that net. I just knew it was there so I forged on in a forward direction knowing if I fell, I wouldn't fall far.

I have left an unhealthy marriage. I have picked up and moved my young family to a brave new world. I have raised my children on my own. I left a comfortable financially stable job so I could work for myself. I went back to school. I rerouted my career at age 50. I wrote a book. I have done more brave things in the past eight years than I have done in the 46 years which preceded them.

But I always had a safety net. Always.

So I rethought my choice yesterday morning. At the top of the list, was "the decision I had to make". Under that heading were numerous items which could empower me to make that choice.

I made some calls. I gathered information. I acted.

I completed a job I started three months ago. I responded to an opportunity to increase my monthly income. I made a decision in regards to my writing. I started looking at the world around me to find ways to enable myself to make the choice I wanted to make.

I wrote a list and ticked off every item on it over the course of the day. Suddenly I felt back in the driver's seat.

I have taken that which has been dragging me down and I conquered it. I empowered myself by doing that which could be done. I did what I could do myself and called in the experts for the rest.

I have made my decision. I am going to go ahead and get a new living room window. Yes, that was the decision that stopped me in my tracks.

I'm still a little bit nervous about this spending spree I have been on lately but I truly believe if I start from where I am at and build on it, I can support this decision.

Investing in My Dreams

Drought, running on empty, null and void, writer's block. Call it what you may but I feel like I have nothing to say these days.

Why?

My thoughts haven't stopped filling my head but so very many of them aren't worth sharing (who really wants to hear about the fact that I did not open a paint can for the second weekend in a row?).

My financial state of affairs is taking up far too much room in my brain and I do not like where that leads. I just need to get through this upcoming state of transition within my daycare world (and income) so I can relax. Change is hard. Change which is mirrored with an unknown pay cheque factor to boot is even harder.

My post holiday high crashed and burned out when my weekend employment returned. Then when I got an unexpected day off this past weekend, I wasted it. I sat still with my current financial state of affairs, colored my hair and went to Walmart. That was all I did to utilize the nine hours I would have been out of the house, earning a wage. A wage I can ill afford to lose right now.

I don't like when money overtakes my thoughts.

There is so much that I do which doesn't cost a penny. So why am I not doing that?

Writing, phoning someone, painting, cooking, cleaning, decluttering, sifting through the excesses within our world and seeing if I can sell off anything which may have value to someone else are all things I could be doing.

I could call a friend. I could issue a supper invitation. I could write a letter or card or email to any number of people I haven't spoke with for far too long. Why am I not doing any of the above?

Because I feel empty. My words feel empty and hollow. Outbound calls take an energy I just don't have. Visiting depletes me. Leaving the house feels like I have left my oxygen tank behind.

I am in a cocoon stage right now. The butterfly stage always follows this one.

I wrote those words and stopped in my tracks. The butterfly stage is the stage where I open up my dream box and pull out one or two. This is the point in time where I often plan some frivolous, energy boosting excursion which propels me forward and through the moment I am in.

House renovations have depleted me.

They have consumed my thoughts, my time, my energy and my bank book. As much as they have motivated me and spurred me on, they have taken a hefty financial toll. They have taken away my ability to dream.

When I dream, I like to dream about enhancing that which I already have. I guess that is what my house renovations has been. Except I am enhancing a "thing". Not a feeling. Or relationship. Or passion.

My happiest days are the days where I am fully immersed in that-which-fills-me-up. Music, dancing, family, friendship, writing, singing and dancing to the beat of my life.

Somehow, my finances always came through for me when I pursued the dreams of my heart. My heart isn't invested in our house. It is invested on our home, which shelters from the storms of life.

Do I invest in a new living room window to shelter us from the outside weather or not? That is the question.

The Silent Requests of My Heart and Mind

"Life is always listening to the silent requests of your heart and mind. What you have in your life right now is a function of your own requests." ~ Iyanla Vanzant

I do honestly believe that I am nestled up within a life that is reflecting my innermost thoughts. Which is a little disconcerting just as much as it is reassuring.

The peace, the harmony and the state of calmness and bliss reflect how I want to live and breathe my life. Good health, healthy relationships and close ties to people within my little circle of friends and family nurture every little positive thought I think.

My home is my castle. Not because it is grand or without imperfections. Because it is filled with all that matters to me. 

A home that is accessorized with at least one child and one cat at all times. I don't know how it would feel to live a life without one or the other. And something tells me I won't have to worry about that any time soon.

A life where I work out of my home and all that I need to exist, lies within these very four walls and the fence line which borders our yard.

A computer that keeps me tied to the outside world when I want to live like a recluse. I am not sure who I would be without my ability to sit and write out loud or in private and send off a message on a whim.

It is a simple life and I love simplicity.

Yet how will I feel about this very life ten or twenty years from now if I don't make any changes to it now?

When I live in the moment, I love the moment I am in. 

When I don't worry about money, there is always enough.

When my priorities start to shift, I feel empowered enough to make a move to shift things in a new direction.

When I don't worry about the future, the present is a gift.

Yesterday morning, I sat down with "numbers". The moment I start dealing with numbers, the "letters" (words) in my mind start to shift.

I sat down and tried to project where I will be four months from now, when I know there is little that I know for sure about what these next four months will bring.

Am I living in a delusional world or do I have it right? Living in the present moment is the way to live a life. 

My dilemma lies in my finances at the moment. I have to be cautious but I love "investing" in our home. New windows are the reason I sat down with numbers yesterday morning. 

Do I now regret the money I spent on some of my little getaways this past year? Not for a moment. Gift money funded my most frivolous weekend. Pennies from heaven must have funded the second trip because I just know it wasn't a struggle. It was a trip that was meant to be taken.

This little trip down reality lane is necessary from time to time. It grounds me and makes me take control of that-which-is-in-my-control. When I respect my financial limitations things always have a way of working out in the end. It is not something you learn in any accounting class but it has been what I have found to be true.

"You bring about what you think about."

I am going to continue to think about the abundance within my life. There is always enough. Always. I shall not be foolhardy but I will invest wisely and trust it will all work out in the end. And if it doesn't? It is not yet the end.

Change is in the Air

Change is in the air. I hope I'm ready ...

My little daycare world has become pretty stable and predictable these past few years. Those who joined our family settled in and stayed. That is an incredible gift in my world of little people.

It has been two years of growing pains. We ebb, we flow and we grow. There have been challenges, oh so many challenges. But yesterday afternoon, as I sat on the sidelines and listened to my three "regulars" sitting in the sandbox and playing with cars, shovels and creating their own little sandy worlds, my heart was full and content as I listened to these 2-1/2 to 4 year olds work out their disagreements with words.

Granted, that was a golden moment. Life isn't like that all the time. There are tempers and short fuses and frustration levels that sky rocket in the blink of an eye. But to be honest, these little guys work out a lot of little issues on their own. Some days better than others but considering their ages, they are amazing little people and we have built ourselves a pretty happy little family here.

Things are changing as I write.

One of my little guys became a big brother four weeks ago. He still came full time for the first two weeks. The past two weeks, he has come three days out of five. I've noticed some change in him as he transitions into his changing world. Tears come easy. His fuse is non-existent many days. Sometimes I think he is rebelling against a world which does not revolve solely around him. But yesterday? He was in the zone. Co-operating, sharing, being kind and Mr. Manners and such a gentleman as he played. It was heavenly.

One of his playmates is a four year old little girl who has been coming here since she was two. Her sibling is scheduled to arrive September 1st so she is only going to be here one more week and then she is moving on ...

This family moved out of the neighborhood over a year ago and still bring their daughter here.They decided to continue to bring her here despite the distance. She has a good friend here who travels across the city to come to our daycare as well. Yes, we all kind of like to keep things the same as much as we possibly can.

My little girl is looking forward to staying home with her mom and new baby. She will start pre-school about a week after her baby sister or brother arrives and she is looking forward to all of these new and exciting events in her life.

And it doesn't sound like my four-year-old's friend will be coming much after her friend leaves either. She will also be starting pre-school and have her own life outside of daycare. Daycare won't be the same without her friend here.

Which means there will be a hole in our world here. It will be filled by a little one-year-old girl. A little family member in training. And potentially, we may also have a little four-year-old Spanish speaking little girl join us as well. There will be a lot of adjustments for all of us.

One month from now, we should be starting the transition. One month to adapt to the changes which will start to happen around here. One month to enjoy the "same old, same old" before old becomes new and we begin again.

Change is good. It is a sign of growth. Life never stays the same no matter how hard we try to put a cap on things so we can savor the moment we are in for as long as we can hold onto it.

I'm grateful for the moments where I simply sit back and breathe in the good stuff. I have wasted too many moments being frustrated over little things. We all do. It is our nature. Perhaps that is necessary so we can appreciate the little things that truly make our world go 'round.

Be grateful for the frustrations. We need to contrast the hard stuff to the easy stuff so we can sit back and inhale life when it simply unremarkable.

Change is in the air. I think I'm ready.