It's Thursday

I am officially tapped out. That's it. I can only do three day work weeks. Preferably two days because that third one wipes me out.

I think I need to take a course on how to take care of this new age generation of children. I've raised three children of my own. I've run my daycare for the better part of fifteen years. I think I know a little about raising children. But apparently? I don't.

I have tried every thing I know how to try. I have monitored every move, intercepted the actions I want stopped as they are happening, I can't even take a bathroom break or turn my back without drama unfolding the second I'm not looking.

I am running out of ideas. Even if I felt like we were making progress, I would be encouraged. But it feels like behaviours have gone from bad to worse.

I am tempted to just let everyone do whatever they darn well please. Let them run wild. No rules. No guidance. No teachable moments. Just let them go. It certainly couldn't be worse, could it?

Yes. Yes it could. I know this.

I have absolutely no idea how teachers manage a classroom full of children. No idea.

I sit here and look at these words and I don't see my answers. I must keep doing what I am doing. I must be consistent. Unchangeable rules and expectations for all has always worked for me in the past.

I have a different crowd coming today. One of my regulars will not be here. Maybe the shift of personalities will do the trick. At least for today. It's the only hope I have. Other than the remote possibility that everyone phones in sick.

I was looking for the perfect quote to end this miserable post and I think I found it:

"It's Thursday, or as I like to call it: 'Day 4 of the Hostage Situation' "

Carry on! There is only one way through this. One minute at a time.

Cat Games I Play

I just finished playing a game of "Find the Cat Toys" with our cats. Namely "Jet".

Jet paces around here every morning with the desperation of a caged wild animal who is so bored they think they may die. He attacks the cat toy cupboard like he is dying of starvation and there is a morsel of food in this drawer that may save his life.

When I dug out the remaining two cat toys that were stored within (there are a total of eleven cat toys that usaually reside in this drawer), he scoffed at them because they were the least favored toys of all (thus, the reason they were still in the drawers) and he stalked off and started attacking the bedroom closet door he has learned to open (I wrote that sentence and realized he may have been seeking a lost cat toy within but I was wrong).

After a rousing game of "Find the Toy", I came up with six of the eleven toys. Five of the toys have been swallowed up by the house (perhaps) never to be found again. That said, I'm going to go check out my youngest's room some time later today. I'm sure I'll find some more in there.

As I tallied up the toys I found, verses the toys that are still missing in action I thought of the little game I play as I go in search of the missing cat toys. I know exactly which ones are missing (I just found one more when I heard the tell tale sound of the bell inside the plastic ball).

We are missing two cat nip "knots". These are Ray's favorite toys and before Jet moved in with us we always knew where Ray's missing toys were. He played with certain toys upstairs and other toys downstairs. We knew which toys we would find before we found them. My guess is that Ray has found a hiding spot that Jet (nor I) know about. He's "buried" them, the way a dog buries a bone.

We are also missing a grey mouse and a blue sparkly ball. Jet plays with these toys so they could be anywhere.

I play this game all day with the kids. "We are missing a Paw Patrol! Let's try to find him." "We are missing one of the stacking cups. Who can find it??" "Let's count the princesses and see if we have all of them!" "We are missing a green ball and a plastic ball. Let's see who can find them!" I don't know how many Hot Wheels cars we have inside but I know we have twenty one of them outside.

I wondered. Are these little games of "hide and seek" keeping my brain connections lubricated and connected? Are these mindless little puzzles helping my brain health? Plus there is a mild form of physical exertion required to seek out the missing objects, so maybe just maybe our little "Jet" is doing his best to keep my brain and body active.

I don't know what we would do without our little cats. They not only amuse and entertain me, they are good for my mental and physical health. They are my very own personal healthcare providers!

"You must get off this computer now! Too much computering is bad for you."

"I mean it! Off!! Right now!" With love, Jet

17 Ways to Build My Courage

I am six days into my "building courage" project. I wrote down a list of what I hope to achieve and I have left it in my line of sight every day since. It is a list of "small stuff" that seems to be making an impact. Amazing how every little bit helps ...

I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com today. Come join me to hear the long version of this little story: http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6514439-17-ways-to-build-my-courage/

Spring is in the Air

The world feels all shiny and new when the sun's waking hours correlate with mine. It is a bonus when the sky is blue and the sun is warm. A few days of warmth and sunshine has made the world of difference within my world.

I have woken up ten minutes before my alarm clock all week. The best part of this, is that I actually climbed out of bed before my alarm went off. It is absolutely wonderful to start one's day feeling rested and revived. It's been that kind of week!

I have been able to take my daycare family to the park each and every day. Our afternoons have ended outdoors every day as well. We have been spending hours of our day in the great outdoors and though it hasn't alleviated all of the negative behaviours in our midst, there seems to be a lesser frequency when little people are not cooped up in close quarters. It has been good.

Our back yard "playground project" is almost complete and I could not be happier with the progress. My handyman finished up "Phase I" of the project yesterday and I am thrilled to be able to post a "final picture" of our new and improved playground.

I have found a "grandpa" who is all about finding ways for kids to use their imaginations with what he has on hand. He created a sandbox kitchen and is working on a "sand wall" where the kids can pour sand down various funnels, tubes and what-not to (hopefully) encourage a positive sand experience (sand throwing issues are epidemic this year). He made us a balance board, ramps for our little cars, sanded and oiled our play structure and yesterday he is built us a "roof"!! He returns on Monday to turn our (previous) dog area into a "zen-like" oasis to enjoy after the kids go home.

Back in my daycare world, we have five months of "winter" to undo so it's been a long, hard road. There is still a lot of work to be done but having the outdoors as our playground is a very good place to start.

It has felt good to soak up the sun, come home dirty and need to wash the day out of my hair. It feels like I've been waiting my whole life for this. Spring has arrived and it feels like it is here to stay. But here is a picture from April 26th last year, so I'd better not go counting my spring chickens before they are laid:

Happy April to you! May you wake up with the sun and let it shine upon your day.

Living Safe

I need to get myself out of this perpetual downward spiral and I think I'm onto something.

I can do this. It is time to start a new chapter. I'm tired of living in my safety net. It's time to step back onto the high wire of life and take a chance. I don't have to start at the top. I'll work my way up there. Would you like to join me?? Click here to go to Christine Kane's "66 Ways to Build Courage" post. Print it off. Circle at least five suggestions. You can do five. I'll bet you could tackle eight! Come and join me on my adventure. I promise to write all about it and I would love to hear your stories as we make our way in this Brave New World together.

I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com (http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6505101-living-safe/)

The Power of an Hour (alternate title: "One Week Early")

I have a little white board on the side of our fridge where I write down "up and coming events". My out-of-house excursion list is akin to a to-do list. Each and every time I clear off one of my must-go places, I do a quiet hurrah inside of my head and feel lighter as the board becomes emptier. I love when that little board is empty (which is never).

The must-go items on my agenda seem to pile up on me. The last time I had a new batch of places to go and things to do, the dates piled up in very close succession. "Blood donation; fund raiser outing; candle party" on Wednesday, Friday and Monday.

Three items I couldn't wait to rub off that board. Wednesday, Friday and Monday. That was a lot of places to go in a very short time period but I could do it. Wednesday, Friday, Monday. Then my board would be clean.

After last week's exhaustion level hit a peak I couldn't wait for Monday to be over with so I could relax. I even considered backing out of Monday's obligation due to my state of feeling overwhelmed. But it was one LAST day. I could do it.

I did hard things on Monday. I scooped the dead mice out of our window wells before my daycare day began. It was a two minute job but I hadn't managed to get it done. I did not want to draw attention to the fact there were mice in our window wells when my daycare family was watching me. Nor did I want to draw attention to the fact that I was "playing" in the window wells while the kids were around This is one thing they have not discovered on their own and I was not about to lead the way. My daycare days end and so do I. Thus, the dead mice kept falling to the forget file in my mind. Tending to that ugly little task felt like I had climbed to a new plateau. I was ready to tackle the day.

The day was ... a Monday. I will say no more but I just thought about six paragraphs during that "...". I could not wait for Monday to be over.

The kids left, I had to run over to my neighbors to get their okay to trim back their tree which hangs over and sheds into our playground (another task I had been procrastinating over for the past few weeks). The weight on my shoulders was getting lighter by the moment.

I had frozen hamburger in the fridge and planned to make spaghetti for supper. As my Monday progressed, I looked at that frozen hamburger and thought "You will keep another day! I need a brainless meal tonight", but after tackling two hard things at the beginning and end of that very day, I had the stamina to thaw out the hamburger and tackle making spaghetti for supper.

I had to be out of the house by 6:40. I had one hour and ten minutes to do all I needed to do. I got much done. Not only did I make enough spaghetti for supper, but I made a spaghetti and meat sauce casserole for lunch the next day. I was really on a roll. I thoroughly impressed myself. "I CAN do hard things. I can!!"

I raced out the door at almost 6:45. I had left my departure time too late. I was going to be late. In fact, I had to wait one minute for a train to pass and I was one minute late when I drove up to my destination.

There were no other cars around. This was a "candle party". Where were the other guests? Oh no!! I bet the party was at my friend's daughter's home, not here! I was at the wrong place!!

I rang the doorbell anyway, thinking I could get further instructions from my friend's husband and carry on my way. When my friend opened the door, she greeted me with, "Colleen! What a nice surprise!!" Surprise?? I thought I was supposed to be there. I confessed that I was a minute late but she advised me that I was a week early. Oh.

I was one week, minus a minute, early for that "very important date". I was so anxious to wipe off my white board, I arrived ONE WEEK early.

I was deflated. I could have been at home, settled in for the night and watching "Dancing With the Stars". Instead, I was a confused surprise guest at my friend's home.

She invited me in and we had a very good visit. A visit we would not and could not have had a week later when her house was full and she was hosting her daughter's candle party. Sometimes the best visits are the most unexpected ones.

I'm not very good at showing up when people invite me over. So I was really out of my league to show up completely unexpected. I'm not sure who was more surprised. Me or my friend. But the things I got done in that hour and fifteen minutes before I raced out the door, were more than I accomplish throughout the week most of the time.

I CAN do hard things! I CAN!! I just need to fool myself into believing I have only an hour to get them done.

Give me a week and I will take two. Give me an hour and I can get things done. Perhaps that is the secret to getting those hard things done. Set a timer and quit when the hour is up. I like racing. I hate when I think a task will take all night or an entire afternoon.

My white board is blissfully empty until "a week from Monday". I wonder. What will I accomplish between "now" and "then"? Will I wait until that magical hour before I have to race out that door next Monday? Or will I convince myself that I only have an hour to get more hard things done?

One hour at a time, hard things could get done. Just one hour. The secret is to follow through on that idea. For just one hour.

Tapped Out

I walked into the week on "full" and I am stepping into the weekend on "fully depleted".

My daycare days have challenged me to the max and I'm completely tapped out. I have had hard conversations (more like texts and emails, as that seems to be the only means of communicating when small people are underfoot) with parents. I delicately worded what is happening within our days and hoping if I can get to the root of the troubles, the spiralling behaviour which has been happening as a reaction to the "actions" of others will start to dissipate. That didn't happen this week. We have a lot of "undoing" to do before we get back to square one again.

I was out of the house three nights out of five this past week. That exceeded my maximum by at least "two". Note to self: "Say YES to Friday outings; and "Thank you, but I just CAN'T to the rest". At least until I get my daycare days under control again.

I cannot wait to get this Satur-work-day behind me. I am hoping we run out of work before the clock chimes "5 o'clock". I wish I had a little worker bee running around getting my groceries and would have supper on the table for me when I got home (supper on the counter would suffice - sitting and eating at the table sounds like it would require conversation and I think my voice box and thinking muscle are running on fumes).

I feel like my thoughts are focusing on the negative FAR too much these days. Focus on the negativity and watch your mood follow your thoughts. It is time to focus on that which is good. This is my Saturday morning gratitude journal. These are the things I am most grateful for:

• I work with and for the best parents I could ever hope to work for. The lines of communication between us feels open, well maintained and we can "do hard things" as long as we talk our way through.
• I have friendships that survive the dry spells between visits and the desire to keep connected remains strong despite life's other commitments. I am so fortunate that I have invitations that bring me "outside my box" and people who accommodate my will to "live within my box" as much as necessary.
• I have a home to maintain, clean and accommodate my chosen field of work. I could do every single thing I do, within the confines of my home. Investing in our home feels like an investment in my future because I hope to continue to make a living within these four walls of ours for as long as possible.
• I have the means, desire and time to do what is most important to me. Dreams without follow through are wisps of energy that float up to the sky and get lost. I will continue to do small things which lead me down the path to where I want to go. One step at a time.
• I have more things to do, than time to do it. There will come a day when I have too much time on my hands and lose the desire, ability and drive to do things that feel important to me right now. Savor this day. It may feel overwhelming at times but when I close my eyes at night knowing there was more I wish I could have done, it means I have more than I know what to do with.
• I have a body that does what I need it to do. It sustains me, pushes through, allows me to sleep and propels me throughout each and every day with ease. That statement alone is worth more than everything else combined.
• I am surrounded in a world of wonderful people. People who believe in me, listen to me, extend kindness, courtesy, invitations and conversation. I have a support network which keeps me standing when all I want to do is sleep.
• I truly "have it all", don't I?
• I am grateful. I am truly grateful.

Now I must pack up this body of gratitude and push my way through this work day. There is a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow. It may be take out food and pajamas but that is worth its weight in gold to me. It is enough. And so am I.

Happy Satur-___-day to You! (fill the blank with whatever is driving your day today - I hope it is something that brings you joy)