Bliss ... Pure Bliss

It was the best holiday I never took. I stayed home, turned off my cell phone, the computer and simply "existed" this past weekend. It is a vacation I plan to take more often.

The WiFi connection cannot be heard but it is a presence unto itself. There is a subconscious awareness that pulls and draws me to check on all things on-line.

I could not believe the freedom I felt by not being beholden to these gadgets that had the potential to have a message waiting for me.

I am a girl who has sat by a phone waiting for it to ring. I am a girl who one time felt so lonely, that I wanted to chat a little longer to the person who called the wrong number. I am a girl who wanted to sit a tape recorder beside the telephone when I had to leave the house, to see if anyone called. I am a girl who was destined to become addicted to call display, emailing, texting and all things related to "connection" via an invisible, portable and wireless source.

I severed the connection this past weekend and it was absolutely marvelous.

I spent hours outside, watching our cats, listening to the birds, picking a few weeds, visiting with my children, soaking up the sun, walking a little, listening a lot and simply absorbing the world around me.

I cooked a little and I ate meals instead of incessantly grazing. I filled our fridge and prepared it for the upcoming week. A week where I never want to cook, a week where I simply want to grab what is close and run off to work with it, a week where my son and I are never home for a meal at the same time, a week that is driven by the need to be somewhere over most of the meal times.

Instead of paying for a hotel room, I bought groceries. Good, meal worthy kinds of food which filled the fridge to capacity. If you buy it, they will come. And they did.

My children know the way to my heart is through anything I don't have to cook myself. My son and his girlfriend arrived with coffee in hand yesterday morning. They had plans for the day and suggested we go out for supper later. I surprised them with my offer, "Why don't we just eat here instead?" And we did.

After they left, I puttered, I walked, then I came home and hung out in the back yard with our cats until my Youngest Son came home from work.

I listened to the echoes of the past. It was so quiet, I could hear past conversations, remember the lively days of my daycare, reflect on gatherings that have taken place and so very many one on one visits that have been had.

Memories, voices, pictures in my mind and the overwhelming feeling of contentment and cheer washed over, through and around me. I was enveloped in a peacefulness I cannot recall feeling for a very, very long time.

The leaves on the trees caught the breeze and trembled ever so gently. Every now and again, I would feel the brush of the wind touch me but Mom's wind chimes were silent. I watched them, willing them to sing out to me. They didn't have to beckon for me to come outside. I was already there. So they remained silent.

As I watched the birds play within the branches of the massive tree in our neighbor's yard, I thought of the time I spent in Mom's sun room last year watching the birds who used Mom's yard as their playground.

When I sit still and simply absorb the world around me and let thoughts waft in and out and through my mind, I often end up thinking of Mom. I watched her in her stillness a lot. She looked so very peaceful.

When the wind chimes stayed silent, I thought of Mom. I thought of Dad too. I felt their presence within me.

"This is where you need to be right now" is what I heard when I listened to the quiet. So that is where I stayed.

It was bliss. Pure bliss.

A Wireless Weekend

It was the right choice for me. Cancelling plans when you should be counting down the days until a much anticipated date is the right way to go.

I have not quite overcome the "dentist appointment" mentality when it comes to upcoming commitments written on the calendar. Even though it no longer takes a mammoth amount of strength to suggest and plan an extra-curricular activity, as the day looms I cannot wait for it to be behind me.

I tried to ignore it, but the feeling was oozing out my pores. If it was just my happiness at stake, I may have risked it. But there were others involved. Others, who WERE anxiously awaiting this upcoming retreat. Others, who I could have infected with this feeling.

So I cancelled. The weight of the world was released off my shoulders when I simply acted on my intuition. It was the right thing for me to do.

What I did instead, was to plan like I was going away and tend to all that needed to be tended before I hit the road bright and early this Friday morning.

The funny noise in my car has been fixed; the oil has been changed; gas tank is full; car is vacuumed and dusted; the lawn is mowed; my hair has been washed and tamed; the house is vacuumed. And the cats are as tended as they would be any day but as I cleaned their litter box this morning I sighed a happy sigh of relief, knowing I would be here tomorrow morning to do the same thing all over again.

You know you aren't living your best life when you look forward to cleaning the cat litter.

On a happier note, I plan to "unplug" myself from all things Internet and cell phone related. I have an "evite" I must respond to, but after I tend to that I plan to turn off my cell phone, computer and simply rely on the old fashioned means of communication.

I just wrote my "to-do" list for the weekend. It started as all lists do - write a list of chores you want to put behind you. It ended on a happier note:

Happy Friday to you! May you find what you to sustain you throughout this upcoming weekend. And if you want to reach me, please know that phone calls and drop by company is welcome. I'm not unplugging from "life". I am simply taking a break from technology. Television is not included. Not this time ...

Searching

In my quest of seeking "inspiration", I have found myself back in the archives of the blog writers who speak to me the most.

I have found so much pleasure in going back and reading other people's archives, that it just dawned on me to go back to my early blogging days. My life, my moods, the drama, my coping skills and courage are so very cyclical, that I thought I would find my own answers within what I have already written.

I have been writing within this little blog space for over ten years. My early writing was all about finding my courage, rediscovering myself, my passion and joy for living and writing about the lessons to be learned from the challenges one faces. I wrote with the purpose of finding the lessons in life and my goal was to write with optimism and hope.

As I went back to the beginning, I found this paragraph, written on January 16, 2008:

"There has been a time when my free hours were so scarce that I became very greedy with my free moments. So to be offering to 'share' this precious time .... it's kind of scary. But overall, I think it is a sign that I am regaining some equilibrium in my life again. I'm ready to share my time and myself again. I have a little left over at the end of the day, and it feels good."

The greediness I feel when it comes to sharing my free moments is an ongoing theme throughout the ebbs and flows of my life. Yet it was right at that very time when I made the decision to forge ahead with collecting memories from Mom and her sisters to create their family's book of history and memories.

I was slightly terrified at the prospect and my enthusiasm and fear cycled through my days regularly. I just found these words:

"I knew I should start making my next round of phone calls to line up my next interviews ... and I was stuck. Wouldn't you know it? Mom called me and our conversation got me excited again ...

I had printed off a few of my blog entries and she had gotten them in the mail today. And her words felt so good to hear. Praise coming from your mother is simply the best approval in the world. She didn't say all that much ... but she said just enough to make me feel worthy. And capable of taking on this book endeavor."

That book project was the beginning of a journey that evolved into the rather special connection I felt with Mom. She was my cheer leader throughout my life. Reading that one paragraph reminded me of the many times she was the one who encouraged me through the process of amassing those memories. And so much more.

I miss my most ardent cheer leader...

My thoughts are all over the map as I write that last sentence. So I went back and reread more of my old posts. I wrote the following on January 23, 2008. It sounds like a road map for where I need to go next:

Fulfillment

I am feeling absolutely jubliant about life these days!! I have an outlet for my excess words, here on this blog, I have an outlet for my 'creativity' with ''The Book", I have my dancing to fulfill the 'fun' part of my life, I have my work,which is something that I feel like I am doing well. I have my family - I feel like my own family unit is getting stronger once again. I have reached out to so many family members these past 6 months ... it is amazing. Between keeping in touch with my own siblings (planning a birthday gathering for Mom) and initiating these get togethers with my aunts to gather information and stories for "The Book". And friends. Where would I be without my friends? And I feel like I am a equal partner in my friendships ... not the needy one.....

I have patience with the kids, I am enjoying my the parents I babysit for, I feel like I am a better parent, I have something left of me to offer at the end of the day ... whether it is to help someone out in some way ... or actually leave the house and go and visit someone ... I am so very, very ''full''.

I have often felt a void in my life. And it has honestly felt like a hole in my heart or soul in some way. I can feel the difference in the way I eat, I shop and I live when I am ''full''.

I have shopped and filled my cart as though I was 'filling a void' ... I have eaten to the point where I am beyond full but still shovelling in the food to fill something inside me that is empty ... I have rejected people and socializing in my life because I am so hollow inside that I feel I have nothing to offer anyone.

But these days ... I am full. I eat because I am hungry. I shop because I need to. And I actually can leave the house at the end of a day ... and still feel like a vital human being that has something to offer someone else.

I have just returned home from a most enjoyable visit ... my heart and my soul are so content. Feeling like this at the end of the day defines contentment and happiness.

My cup is overflowing ...

When in doubt, search your own archives. The answers were within you all along, Dorothy (another slightly paraphrased phrase from The Wizard of Oz).

Food, We Need to Talk!

Food, you and I need to have a talk. I need you to know I have been "using" you. Using and abusing you. It is an unhealthy relationship we have, Food. I need to relearn how to treat you because I need you in my life. How can we learn to co-exist in a healthy way?

I wandered away from my second cup of coffee this morning and suddenly remembered the little ways food was a form of a reward and consolation when I was young.

Sundays will forever remind me of Dad going to pick up McDonald's for supper and he would time it so he would return by 6:00 and we would gather around the TV and watch "The Wonderful World of Disney". Only on Sundays. It was family time, it was special and it was something I always looked forward to.

I remember Mom picking up Pringles and we shared that can of Pringles while we watched "The Waltons".

I remember coming home from school every day, making myself a chocolate milkshake, then sitting down and devouring the current book I was reading.

I remember another phase when I came home from school, made some popcorn and watched "Love American Style".

I remember a time when I was heartbroken over not being asked to dance at a school sock hop. I came home feeling sad and Mom made French fries for supper (French fries had a designated day of the week and they were served at lunch time). French fries were my consolation prize.

I just remembered a time when I was quite young and knowing I just wanted to die. I was not courageous enough to act on that urge but quietly decided I would starve myself to death. I remember reading how long the body could last without food. Obviously I never succeeded. Probably because Dad brought home McDonald's the following Sunday.

After I left home, whenever I would walk through Mom's door, the offer of food, conversation, company and support was always there. Always.

Food accompanied me through good times and bad. Then I became independent and started hiding, hoarding it and eating alone. I bought my junk food at different stores so no one would know the problem I had with food. I hid snacks in my closet. You know you are in trouble when you start using food to fill a void.

Was I subconsciously trying to recreate the comfort that food always provided? Was I using food to numb my feelings and fill the void? Did I use food as a reward? As a consolation?

Yes.

They say the first step is admitting it to yourself. "Hello, my name is Colleen. And I am a foodaholic."

I don't know where I will go from here (even though I know where I need to go). I will start at the beginning. I will admit my powerlessness over food. I will admit I use food in a fashion it was never meant to be used. I admit I eat too much, too often and for all the wrong reasons. I will allow myself to delve into that first step of admitting my powerlessness and I will move onto the second step.

Hmmm ... I started writing this post in a tongue in cheek, humorous kind of way. Then I let my fingers fly across the keyboard and I have realized I may be onto something here. It isn't about cleansing, deprivation and eating in a Whole30 kind of way. It is about getting to the bottom of the relationship I have with food.

Food, I am so over you. You hold far too much power over me and I resent you for that. I don't know exactly where I will go, but this is where I will start. I need to redefine my relationship with food. I have a feeling that is not as simple as it sounds...

Twenty Years

It has been twenty years plus a day since my youngest son was born. As I think back on the time when I was the one who just turned twenty, I reflect on the differences between "turning twenty years old in 1980" verses "turning twenty in 2018".

By the time I was twenty, I had been married, had a child, divorced, started working at a restaurant which was quickly enhanced by a second job at the bank, I had bought a townhouse the month I turned nineteen, so by the time I was twenty years old I had established a nice little independent life of my own.

Contrast that with my son at age twenty. He is just getting nicely established in his classes at University, he has a part time job at a grocery store, has a group of friends he sees regularly and has established a nice little life of his own, here at home.

I was financially independent (with the safety net of knowing my parents would probably catch me if I started to free fall) and had struck out on my own.

Though my son supports all of his own spending and costs related to running his car, he is rather dependent on living at home and the creature comforts that provides.

While looking backwards, maybe I should have tried to seek out a University degree to better pay my own way going forward. I have recently learned that a degree makes a difference in the amount of your pay cheque (who knew??!). Even knowing that, I believe I would have chosen independence over furthering my education in my own personal circumstance.

When looking at "today", I feel my son has made a good choice by choosing education over independence. While living independently and forging your own way through life is the best way in the world to discover who you are, become accountable and find out what you are capable of, "life" is a very good teacher and will take care of that in due time.

I think of the comfortable life we lead here together under our shared roof. While I know I would and will fully support my son's decision to move out and into his own life when the time comes, I also know that our peaceful co-existence is beneficial to both of us.

As much as I do not enjoy leaving our home to go out and forge a life on my own, I have a feeling that I may not feel that way if there was not another human being sharing this roof with me. Not only do I have a man about the house who is willing to share some of the household responsibilities, I know that I am not alone. I am simply grateful that my son is not being held back due to him feeling like he HAS to stay home.

I think of Mom and my brother when he decided to move out on his own and prove to himself that he was capable of making his way on his own.

As much as Mom encouraged living away from home as the best thing that can happen as a child grows up, she must have missed his presence when he left home. She had various boarders who stayed with her which would have eased her through the transition, but it still marked the end of an era. An era she believed in completely and fully in all the years to follow.

Twenty years. It passes so quickly. It marks the time in different lives, different and unique ways.

It has been a good twenty years. I hope my son feels the same...

I'm Trying

I need a life.

I have been reflecting on my thoughts this past week, most likely brought on due to upcoming plans where I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone.

Make no mistake. I NEED to be pushed out of this comfortable life I'm living, but part of me is screaming "You are already doing all the hard things! Do you really need to add to the list?"

I am going to work each day without falling to pieces and the reciting the cheer: "You can do this. You CAN do this. You can do hard things", as I propel myself out the door. I'm doing it. And it's okay.

It just makes me love weekends a little more than I probably should.

I am coming upstairs and sitting in natural light. My inclination to stay downstairs in my room and hold a Netflix marathon of watching Gilmore Girls and Grey's Anatomy over and over again. But I'm coming upstairs. I am letting myself be drawn to the light.

It just makes me love heading down into my room at the end of the day a little more than is probably healthy. But I am trying to absorb the daylight, the sunshine and Vitamin D. I'm trying.

I am reading in lieu of watching TV. I am trying to absorb new words and thoughts. I'm trying. It is hard. Words still swim on the page and I got so angry with Harper Lee for her wordiness and (what I felt) was an excessive amount of extra information. But I am trying.

I chose four of Mom's books to take along with me on my upcoming technology free retreat. I will continue to try.

I am writing. It isn't deep, provocative and meaningful writing. But I am writing. I am working to re-establish the brain to fingertip connection.

I have a long way to go but I am doing better than I have done.

I want to eat better. I have an emotional connection to food that is unmistakable. The moment I walk in the door at the end of my hard day of being away from home, I cannot wait to find something to eat. I eat before, during and after the point of it feeling uncomfortable. My stomach physically hurts.

I know I am trying to fill an emptiness that has nothing to do with food. I admit this. I haven't overcome it. But I am searching.

I have come so far but I have so much further yet to go.

I have done the hard things and made some upcoming plans. When I wrote them on the calendar, it didn't hurt. I thought I would be okay. But as each deadline looms, I simply can't wait for it to be done, so I can come home, head downstairs and fill the bottomless abyss with food.

I came home at the end of my 12 hour day away from home last week and ate. There was no hunger involved. Simply emptiness. I panicked at the onset of the day and could not wait for it to be behind me.

This is not living. But I'm doing better than I have done. I feel so sorry for the people involved in this uphill battle I'm waging. "It's not you. It's me."

I can do hard things. When I come home and write them on the calendar, it is another victory for me. One battle at a time. Then come home and rest.

It's all about "coming home" for me. There is simply no place like it.

P.S. I wrote this yesterday afternoon and cancelled my upcoming weekend plans last night. I woke up this morning and read these words (in part) by Glennon Doyle:

1. Be Still
2. Know
3. Do
5. Let It Stand.
~ Glennon Doyle

I'm just going to let it stand. The end.

I Got Luke!

I have been following where my Internet connection takes me this morning (see why I need to unplug from all things technical?! It is almost 12:30 p.m. and I have spent the past 5 hours attached to this silly computer) and it led me to this quiz at Buzzfeed: How You Feel About Rory Gilmore's Life Choices Will Reveal Which "Gilmore Girls" Guy Is Your Soulmate

The result? I honestly thought my answers would take me to one of Rory's love interests, but my result? "You got: Luke Danes". I knew it!

"You're destined to be with Luke! You're looking for someone who is dependable, loyal, and an all-around good guy. While it might take a little while for him to show true feeling for you, you'll have an epic romance nonetheless. Luke is your perfect match!"

While the very last thing on my mind is finding a "love interest", I always knew I was looking for a "Luke". Someone who had been part of my life all along, who was everything he showed himself to be. And then (in my fairy tale mind), there would be the moment:

"Luke can waltz" ... "Luke can waltz?" ... "Luke can *waltz*"...

This revelation, which was no revelation to me, has led me down a Gilmore Girls soundtrack marathon. All I can say is, if I get hit by a semi and don't survive my up and coming road trip, please play "Reflected Light" by Sam Phillips at my funeral.

It is now almost 1:00 p.m. and I have frittered away half of this day at the computer. Yes, I need to be on a mountain top, unplugged from all things technical. Maybe I'll find myself there. Maybe?? I'll find "Luke"!!