Mission Almost Accomplished

Four days simply didn't feel long enough to tackle all that needed to be done this week. But I did it. Almost. I forgot to buy a few needed ingredients for my potato salad so that will have to wait. 

And that is all I have to say about that.

Taking a Moment

June 30th comes with all kinds of deadlines in my bookkeeping world. 

All the more reason to take a step outside this house where I live with my work and listen to the birds:

My bird identifier app identified these bird calls as "Brown Thrasher" and "Black-headed Grosbeak". 

I gazed up into the trees and never did spot the birds who were singing so sweetly.

Thank you to my anonymous bird choir.

It was a most excellent way to start a busy day.

Take a moment to stop, listen and inhale deeply before you step into your day.

When you can't change what is going on within your world, 

remember you do have the power to impact a moment.

Equation for Groundedness

What is the equation to finding one's personal sense of status quo? That place where one feels simply "okay" with life as they know it. Not a place of "happy". Simply that sweet spot where one feels grounded enough to go with the natural ebbs and flows of life.

Depression and mental health are often talked about subjects. Open conversation and education has made a vast difference in helping the general population recognize symptoms of heart failure, stroke, cancer and numerous physical ailments and saved an untold amount of lives. Mental health is at the forefront of what I see, read and hear a lot these days. For a person in crisis to know they are not alone and there are resources to help out is very likely saving just as many lives. 

I can only write from my personal experience with what I have deemed a "borderline depressive personality". I dip from highs and lows but live most days in that happy medium of mediocracy - good enough. At different ages and stages of life, my highs were higher and my lows were lower. I have gone from living in the sharp peaks and valleys of the mountains to a hilly existence. 

I appreciate the contrasts I live with. Feeling good feels great after a period of wading through the doldrums. Recently, I was quietly thinking that I missed feeling happy. That temporary euphoric state where one feels bubbly, smiley and good inside. Then I woke up one morning feeling just plain happy. It was a wonderful thing. Within twelve hours of feeling a low-key state of "happy", I felt an equal and opposite flip of moods. It wasn't awful. It was normal. It was as if I was was on the tail end of an adrenaline rush. Poof! Gone. Back to my status quo which felt a little lower than usual due to the variance. 

I talked myself down and through the plateau: "It's okay. This too, shall pass. Going from full on "full" to "back to normal" in a twelve hour period will do this. It is just a temporary adjustment and you will self correct."

What is the formula that has evolved over the course of time? At one time I may have felt like I was free-falling without a net. Experience, recognition of being here before, faith that the moment would pass and differing hormonal levels may all come into play. But essentially, what is MY contentment equation?

#1 - it is "contentment" I seek. Not happiness. Contentment is the level playing field where a temporary state of either happiness OR unhappiness can evolve.

#2 - contentment is actually secondary. Safety, having one's physical and financial needs taken care of, a state of physical health that is not worrisome is first and foremost. 

#3 - a sense of belonging is a fundamental need. Being and feeling like you are a part of community within family, friends, work/school/and any number of other social relationships is vital to the human existence

#4 - routine, a schedule, a need to be accountable. As much as we may long for a commitment-free life, is that what is best for us? I know I thrive on routine, comfortable little ruts that get me through the obligations of a day. As much as I long for a day off of all of the above, I never feel quite as good when I let a day slip through my fingers without doing more than turning on the TV.

#5 - nourishment and sleep. Food, water and sleep are essential to life. Good-for-you-food is best though perhaps one of the hardest things to reach for when I'm on a downward slide. A good night's sleep is elusive to many so I know I'm one of the lucky ones who can do nothing but sleep when life feels hard. Finding and being able to maintain the Goldilocks Zone of just the right amount of sleep is golden.

#6 - a sense of balance between all of my needs. Too much of anything is not a good thing for me no matter if it is too much work, too much free time, too much socializing, not enough socializing. I find there is a state of okay-ness if I have a good, healthy balance of work; leisure; solitude; people; new experiences; savoring the tried and true and the list goes on.

Balancing the demands of life can feel hard. I often wonder where I would be right now if my needs hadn't been secondary to providing for my children. Earning a living, creating and maintaining a home and living with those dependent on me has pushed me to be who I am and where I was meant to be. The need to be needed is a part of the belonging part of the following equation:

Safety/security + Belonging + Routine + Nourishment + Balance (of all of the above) = Feeling Grounded

Feeling Grounded = Contentment (a very good place to be)

Going With the Flow

The words "going with the flow" came to me this morning so I searched my own blog and (surprise, surprise!) I have already written what I want to say. Here is a throwback from the year 2008. I could update and add onto what I've already written to prove the point but this says it all:

SUNDAY, MAY 4, 2008

Going With the Current

Yesterday, the message of the day in "The Secret" calendar was about when you are trying to make something happen, it feels like you are going against the current in a river. And when you are ''acting to receive from the Universe'', you will feel as if you are flowing with the current of the river.

I have noticed that time and time again in my lifetime. There are times when you follow your heart, your instinct, your calling or whatever. And everything unfolds perfectly. As if you were following a well choreographed plan.

Other times, you make a decision and it feels as though there are road blocks at every turn. Nothing goes as planned and it's like you are fighting a losing battle.

When I decided to move my family out to Saskatoon, it was one of those times when absolutely everything unfolded perfectly.

I got the first job I applied for; I found a place to live without any effort; everyone in my life was totally supportive of the move. The time and place were right. And as if that wasn't enough of a sign, I have my ''red dart story'' ...

When I moved out here, I had next to no belongings to take with me. So Mom packed up things from her house to help to make a home out of our new place. She sent a variety of belongings out with me. And one thing that she sent, was a dart board and darts. Now, you would really have to know Mom and how every game in our house had all of its parts and pieces; every puzzle had every piece in the box and anything at home was taken care of. The dart board she sent with me was missing one red dart. That, unto itself was unusual and unheard of. But what was totally amazing, is that when we moved into our new townhouse here ... stuck in the wall of the totally empty basement was ... a red dart. This sends tingles up my spine to think of this again. It was the final sign of how this move was 'meant to be'.

When I decided to try to support myself by babysitting and take a giant leap of faith to leave a fully secure job, it was exactly the same thing. I asked for a years leave of absence so I could see if I could manage to live off what I could earn. And I was granted that. When the year was up, I asked if I could work on Saturdays (to keep my options open and my foot in the door) and that wish was granted as well. Time and time again, I have run into 'tests of my faith' in the babysitting world. The income you earn when you babysit is unreliable and changes like the wind. And every time I was at a crossroads where I wondered which way I should go ... it never failed. As soon as I made the commitment within myself to stick with the babysitting, something would happen to make it financially feasible again. This has happened so many times that I have lost count. It was as though all I had to do was 'believe' and the rest unfolded as it was meant to be. It was like going with the current of the river.

Today, I have felt and been reminded of this positive flow once again ...

My aunts and Mom got together and thanked me for putting the book together with/for them. This entire Book Process has been like riding along with the flow of that river. As soon as I made the decision to follow through and actually do this, everything fell into place. Nothing was working against me (though I did have my challenges getting to know Microsoft Word!!). It astounds and amazes me just how all I really had to do was 'go with the flow', and the book took care of itself.

Now, this sounds off topic but it really isn't ...

I have been actively searching for a better home for our dog this past while. It wasn't happening easily, and then I read this quote in "The Secret." I told myself that if it felt like I was 'going against the current' that maybe I just had to believe this was happening for a reason and not to fight it. My heart wasn't in that thought though, because I knew that our dog really deserved a more loving and attentive home. I was getting so easily angered with his barking and his recent habit of digging up some new sod.

Then ... today, it happened.

A friend of a friend had just decided that they wanted to adopt an older dog and had gone to the SPCA without their kids to look around. Amazingly, the SPCA didn't have any older dogs and then my friend called her and mentioned our dog that we were trying to find a home for. Everything seemed to be working against us meeting up together this weekend, but I ended up leaving my key with my friend just in case they wanted to come and meet "Mike" while we were gone.

Well, sure enough. It was 'love at first sight'. She called me tonight and asked when they could pick him up. We talked for quite a while and I told her all about Mike, why we got him and why we are looking for a new home for him, his personality and habits (bad and good). She told me their story ... and it just feels like a match made in heaven.

He is such a good dog. But he is so neglected here. And he is going to a home with a 5 and 10 year old boys (I think) who are so excited about this. Mike adores being adored. And he lavishes his love on any willing recipient. And he loves kids.

We're 'going with the flow' once again....

Trust the Pause

Every time I spend a weekend at my little home away from home, I find myself longing for the day when this is my one and only and forever home. So many things have to fall into place before that becomes a reality.

All the variables that interconnect with lives that are not my own, not to mention the ability to (ever?) retire from the work force reminds me time and time again. Trust the pause.

If all obstacles were removed and moving here was as simple as packing up a house and selling it, I would be on my way. But I'm not there yet.  

This place where I am sitting at this very moment is exactly where I'm meant to be. 

Would this moment feel as sweet, if I didn't have the contrast of life-away-from-here to compare it to? Time will tell.

Life shouldn't feel like you are walking against the current. 

Try (just try) to relax and go with the flow. 

See where it takes you. 

Trust the pause. 

Felines at Rest

While robins, mourning doves, sparrows and even the grackles add a spark of joy to my Weekend Oasis,

 my Monday to Friday home includes enjoying the antics of our two furry felines.

After a brief game of tag around the house, these guys are ready for a rest:

There is nothing like watching a cat hard at rest to lower blood pressure and put a person in the moment. 

Oh, to live the life of a cat who has a safe and happy home. 

It is my ultimate retirement dream to be as content as these two guys. 

To sit in a sunbeam,

marvel at watching the birds and rabbits who pass by,

have the easy companionship of one you know well,

to be content, healthy, safe and know where your next meal is coming from,

to have the sense of "ahhh"

and then

find your most favorite resting spot 

and have a little rest.

We all should be so lucky.

Burning the Candle at One End

Quite some time ago, I felt assaulted by bright lights, loud noises and felt a deep need to mute my world.

I embraced waking up to the darkness and navigated my mornings with the under-counter kitchen lights dimmed to emit the least amount of light. I lit a candle in the bathroom and wrote by the light of a lamp.

I didn't turn on the fan. I kept all noises to a bare minimum. I padded around in the quiet of the mornings until the sun woke up and signaled the need to carry on with real life demands.

I love my quiet little life and have held onto the muted sensory intake for several years. I have a candle in the bathroom which emits a faint light and light aroma. 

When COVID hit, most people were running to stock up on toilet paper. I was scrambling to restock my candle supply in case stores closed or we had to quarantine in place. 

Since that time, I have maintained an ample supply of toilet paper AND candles. The exception to restocking my candle supply came when budget restrictions demanded I stay clear of the dollar store where I replenished my candle supply. 

I had ONE 80 hour candle which I thought had used up at least 75 of its candle hours left in the house. Each and every time I lit it, I thought "this" would be the day the candle would reach the end of its wick. Each day I blew out the candle, I counted it as a bonus day.

Two weeks ago, I restocked my candle supply. Two weeks prior to that, I thought the candle was nearing the end of its eighty hours of light. This morning, I blew out the candle yet one more time. The candle will live to burn another day.

The phrase "burning the candle at both ends" surfaces and resurfaces with each bonus day I light this Sea Salt & Caramel scented candle ONE more time. 

Burning the candle at only one end certainly adds an extended time of enjoyment to life. Literally and figuratively.