Who am I Kidding?

I am over thinking every little thing these days. Why? Perhaps because I have the time to do so.

Why am I not writing? Why am I so tired? Why am I so unmotivated? Perhaps ... it is simply because I am lazy.

Energy begets energy. I haven't been expending much energy lately. Thus I feel rather lackadaisical about life.

Nothing is wrong. But I'm not creating days where everything feels exciting and new either.

I may have gotten used to living a life-in-transition. I kept moving along, hoping that the doors that I was walking through would get me to where I wanted to be.

When I finally found my way back home and knew that was where I had longed to be all along ... I relaxed. I am very good at relaxing.

I just have to pry myself out of this comfortable spot and stir things up a little to create a little bit of interest, energy and enthusiasm.

But not just yet ... who am I kidding? This feels kind of good at the moment.

Masks

At the retreat that I attended on the weekend, we talked about the masks that we wear as we go about our day-to-day living. At first, I had a hard time recognizing my masks. Then I remembered the fake-it-til-I-make-it mask that I donned for the better part of last year.

As I went about my days at work, I was completely shocked when someone made a comment to the effect of "You are so calm", while on the inside my anxiety levels were running at an all time high. I was floored when even my mom mentioned to another family member (about a job that I quite detested) " ... but I like the way she is handling it". That was the job that penetrated the last of my reserves.

What I was most proud of, was when I wrote my way through a few months worth of the job that broke my spirit. I recognized the no-win situation that I was in at work, so I didn't devote energy to fighting what I could not overcome ... but instead focused on the small ways that I could make myself feel like I was making a difference. I refused to give energy to the negative, so I wrote about the positive.

I had a very astute friend who read between the lines and called me to talk me down through the worst of times. But I was getting the feeling that this was my battle and my battle alone to fight. So I fought it the only way I knew how. I secured my mask and just 'kept on swimming' ...

When that job ended, no one saw it coming. I had deflected my reality and had fooled those who knew me best. I was actually rather proud of the fact. Me, who usually wears my emotions on my sleeve. I had donned my mask and succeeded in protecting those around me from feeling all that I felt as I walked through those days.

My writing became more guarded. I started siphoning my thoughts. The free flow of words from my brain to my fingertips started to become less of me and more of the mask that I was wearing.

Then I started writing for a few papers. There was a (remote) possibility that a reader could follow me to this blog. So I continued to weigh my words and tread very carefully. This is not altogether a bad thing because (at first) I tried to weed out the inane thoughts that found their way to my blog. But in blocking the inane, the deeper thoughts became caught up in all that was left unwritten.

I have been fighting to find my words for quite a while now. Perhaps some of that fact is because I have stopped living fully. Finances, insecurities and my deep desire to cocoon myself within the warmth and safety of my home has overridden the side of myself that exists outside of these walls. But I know that the bigger part of the battle is because I censor myself so much more than I ever used to.

The masks that I wear have penetrated my writing. My writers block is quite possibly just that. A blockage of censored words stopping the natural flow from my subconscious mind to the keyboard.

I know that I need a place to let my words run free. Without restraint. Without worrying what anyone would think. Without censor.

It's just that I seem to be running low on words lately. I'm afraid of wasting the few words that I do have left ...

Is it Friday Yet?

Just kidding ... it is really not that bad. It is not bad at all. It is just that the day didn't get off to a good start.

My Youngest was up at 5:30 a.m. with a nose bleed. Due to that nose bleed, he threw Kleenex in the kitchen garbage. Due to the noise from the cupboard door, my Second Son woke up. When my Second Son wakes up due to noise, he is not a happy camper. Thank goodness he had snow to shovel to cool him off ...

My Daycare Family started arriving. Everyone was later than normal. My first family hit a cement guardrail en route to my house. Thankfully it was just her fender/light. No one was hurt. Nor was another car involved. And she could continue on her way and arrive to work (close) to her normal time. Not a good start to her day either ...

My third daycare child never did arrive. Her mom called a little while ago and said she wouldn't be coming this morning because she isn't feeling well. This started Saturday night. Last week, her mom cautioned me that 'everytime her daughter gets cold, she gets sick'. We went for a walk Friday morning. Somehow I get the feeling that this is my fault ...

I called to renew a prescription. My doctor is away. I must call my pharmacy and have them fax my doctor's office. The pharmacy is still closed ...

I called to set up an appointment with the furnace cleaning company (Sears) that I had the last time. I had several furnace service people compliment them on their job after it was cleaned. So I wanted to ask them back. I couldn't find them in the yellow pages, so I decided to call Sears anyway to try and find out who they would recommend. First call - "We don't service Your City any more; here is a 1-800 number ..."; Second call - "We don't do that here but I'll transfer you to our H Vac Division"; H Vac Division said, "You've got the wrong number; here is the one you need"; Fourth operator - "We don't service Your City any more ..."; and I was back to square one. I told her this so she took my name & number and will have someone call me back.

I feel like crawling back into bed and hiding under the covers this morning. I am getting the feeling that I am not alone in feeling this way today.

"Happy Monday!"

A Day of Reflection

I don't seem to have words this morning. I must have used them all up yesterday. It takes a good kind of energy to spend 9 1/2 hours among strangers that feel like friends ...

It was a thought provoking day. A good day. A day to dig deep. A day to share. A day to listen. A day to care ...

I spent the day in a room full of 'friends that I hadn't met yet' and felt the desire to be a part of such a fellowship. A group united in faith, support, friendship and caring. Then I took a step back out into the real world and I knew that my life is already full of everything that was within that room ...

I listened to stories about how people found their faith. The long and winding roads and I could relate. I have found that it is after times of great despair when I have had that 'out of body experience' and heard words of wisdom that did not feel like my own ...

I stepped back out into the real world and carried a piece of the day within me. I cocooned myself in my car and reread the letters that I had received from my children, my siblings, my mom and my friends. I spent the evening among friends. I came home and reread my letters again ...

I talked with My Youngest about religion and faith. I love that he has a questioning mind and does not simply take what he reads or hears at face value. He questions. He wonders. I love that about him. About my children. I believe when you question and utilize your own reasoning powers, you are better equipped to deal with all that life hands you. To follow without question is not the best path ...

Then I ceremoniously placed the mementos of the day in a special spot. When I think back upon the words that my family and friends put down on paper for me to read, what I will remember most of all is that I am becoming all I hope to be. I seem to be the kind of Mom my children want and need. My siblings consider me an equal and giving partner in this thing called 'family'. My friends value what I have to give as much as I cherish all that they reciprocate. And my mom? My mom is happy to call me her daughter ...

I will continue to attain to be all that those who touch my life believe me to be. I am blessed to have people see the best that I have to offer ... because the flip side could also be true if they were to focus on my shortcomings.

Ten Minutes at a Time

After a late night last night and a (relatively) early morning commitment ... I wasn't quite ready to leap out of bed when my alarm went off this morning. So I hit my (seldom used) snooze button. Ten more minutes ...

I hit it a few more times, each time relishing every moment of those ten minutes. Ten minutes passed quickly, but it was rather heavenly to give myself the gift of those ten minutes. Three times.

I became more coherent as my snooze time went on and I began to think of life in ten minute increments ...

When life has literally brought me to my knees and I've bowed to the pressures around me, I have let myself feel every ounce of whatever is hitting me ... and cry. I can remember the times. They stand out in my memory because life doesn't hit me with that impact on a regular basis.

As I recollected those moments (in the spirit of my Ten Minutes at a Time line of thought), I believe that it would be safe to say that I let myself go for no more than ten minutes at a time. For no more than ten minutes, I let myself become a vulnerable puddle on the floor. Yes, the residue remained much longer, but the extreme reaction? It hit a crescendo and subsided.

I recently read one cancer survivor's suggestion as to how to live day-to-day with a devastating diagnosis. They said to allow yourself one hour of the day to give in to all of the emotions you were feeling. One hour. A beginning and an end. Then carry on.

I thought of the many ways that life can become 'too much' ... overwhelmed with housework? homework? kids? work? overeating? Fill in the blank with whatever it is that is that is consuming you. Just think in ten minute increments.

Ten minutes of housework or homework. You will get something accomplished. Just take it ten minutes at a time.

A bad moment with the kids? Remember it doesn't last forever. Look at the clock. In ten minutes it will be different.

A bad day at the office? Just get through the next ten minutes. Just ten minutes. Do what you can. Or take a break. Breathe in. Breathe out. Yes ... it will still be there in ten minutes. But maybe if you walk away from the stressor for ten minutes, you will come back with a renewed perspective (or like my snooze button this morning, just hit it a few more times until you are ready).

Overeating? Put off grabbing that snack for ten minutes. Then ten minutes more. And on so on and so forth. If you are like me, you will fall asleep after a few rounds with the Ten Minutes at a Time rule.

Ten Minutes at a Time isn't the end all answer. But a person just has to do what it takes to get through a moment now and again. Most of all, it is a simple reminder that "this too shall pass away ..."

Committed

I woke up to the knowledge that my weekend is (almost) fully committed. It is amazing how that fact motivated me out of my usual state of idleness this morning.

My flyers were all delivered by 7:15 a.m. No procrastination. No dilly dallying. No excuses. They are done! I will have more papers to deliver after supper tonight. Then that commitment will be fulfilled for the week.

Tomorrow I will be attending a full day retreat. A 'Women's Encounter' ... I don't know exactly what to expect. I suspect each one of these events is different from the other and impossible to predict, due to the varying personalities of those in attendance. But I have a feeling that it is something that I need right now. I look forward to the day.

Tomorrow evening, I have plans to meet up with a friend right after this Women's Encounter. She is the person who invited me to this group, so I am sure we will have an interesting conversation after the day.

Sunday, I must go out to work at my bookkeeping job. I supposedly started working at this job the beginning of September. I was told that I would be putting in approximately ten hours per week. So far, for all of September and October (to date), I have worked four hours. I hope that once we get up and running, the hours will come ...

Even though the weekend is committed, I have my quiet time each morning, I will sleep in my own bed each night and I will be grounded by 'all that is calm' in and around our home right now. 

I am ready for this weekend ...

It All Started With a Batch of Pumpkin Muffins ...

I have been battling some minor frustrations in my new daycare provider role. Nothing that I can't overcome ... just little things. Like the small things that I used to be able to squeeze into my daycare day. like cooking, cleaning and baking.

The minute I walk into the kitchen, I have three shadows. Although I'm grateful to know exactly where they are and what they are doing ... I do not want them underfoot when I'm working around the oven. So I don't spend any more time than absolutely necessary in the kitchen (anyone who knows me would wonder what has changed!?).

Yesterday, I tried something novel. The minute lunch was over, I started combining the dry ingredients together to make some muffins. I did that quickly and without interruption, so I took a chance and mixed the wet ingredients together. Still uninterrupted, I mixed everything together and poured my batter into a loaf pan and a cupcake tray.

I did it! I baked something tasty (and a little bit healthy) for snack time. The house smelt like a home, my kids were happy and I was content. I finally did something 'above and beyond'. It felt a little bit wonderful. Then the phone rang ...

It was a prospective parent, looking for childcare for her 2 1/2 year old daughter, beginning November 1st. Our conversation was easy. She found me via one of my (many?) Internet advertisements. She acted like she knew me so I am guessing that she found her way to my website. I will meet her today. She said she would drop by so she could pick up any paperwork that I have and she would bring that with her when she brings her daughter to meet me (and my Daycare Family) tomorrow. It sounds very promising...

Fueled by the good vibes that the pumpkin muffin aroma was creating in the air, I decided to pick up the phone while my Daycare Family napped. I followed up on an email that I had sent off at the beginning of the month and struck a deal with the papers that I write for. It is official. I am a 'freelance writer' ... I have been doing this since March, but it was basically on a 'trial basis'. But now? It is real. < Insert 'yee haw' and happy dance here>.

I am not one for picking up the phone and dialing it. But I was on a roll. It has been almost three weeks since my sleep apnea test. I felt quite certain that no news was good news. Or if nothing else, that the test was inconclusive. But I thought I would confirm it. My doctor had been (and is still) away, so this isn't official. But the test came up 'negative'. I was pretty certain that it would. I believe I have honed the skill (developed the habit/ability) of falling asleep the moment my body and mind sit still for a moment. I was just glad to tick that off my I-wonder-what-will-happen-next list.

Then the phone rang. It was a parent that I used to babysit for. She was going to refer another parent to my daycare (unfortunately it was to take care of a one year old and those spots are full). Once we got 'business' out of the way, we had a most wonderful conversation.

The day was sprinkled with good news. It started out like any other. But the tides started to change the moment I baked those pumpkin muffins. I wonder what would happen if I actually tried cooking supper ...

Above and Beyond

If working out of my home taught me one thing, it is to appreciate when an employee has the time, knowledge and desire to go above and above the call of duty. Yesterday was a perfect example of two such people (and an employer that allowed the opportunity).

My Youngest left his backpack on the bus after school. He realized his error a minute too late. The bus was gone and so was his backpack ...

I got on the phone the minute he told me and found the phone number I needed to call. I was tending to my Daycare Family at the time. Finishing and cleaning up after snack time, chasing the kids out of where-they-were-not-supposed-to-be and changing diapers.

Meanwhile the phone rang and rang and rang. It didn't get forwarded to a voice mail. I didn't have to press a million different numbers into the phone to direct me to the right department. The phone simply ... rang. If I hadn't been so distracted by my other responsibilities at the time, I am almost certain that I would have given up. So I was happily surprised that when the phone did stop ringing, it was a real, live person on the other end of the phone!

Not only did I have the luxury of talking to a person, he actually took the time to track down the bus that my son had been on, contact the driver and discover that indeed, there was a backpack somewhat similar to the one we described on said bus. The bus driver said that (if he had time) he would drop off the backpack at the main depot's lost and found at 5:15. The office closed at 5:30. My daycare charges are supposedly picked up by 5:00 (but it is often later). It was going to be tight. But if all the stars aligned, we could make it to the downtown depot before it closed.

It was a miracle. We were out of the house within a time frame that (on a normal day) may allow us to make it to the depot in time. But it was rush hour. We were fighting downtown traffic. It was the city's first snowfall of the year. I thought that it was worth trying ... but I would not have been surprised if we missed the deadline.

Thankfully, we arrived with five minutes to spare. Unfortunately the backpack wasn't there. But ... we ran into yet another helpful employee. She tracked down the same bus. The bus driver that had originally found the backpack had to transfer buses and was running behind so he didn't have time to drop off the backpack at the depot. But the new driver had the backpack on the bus. Our helpful employee arranged a suitable time and bus stop for us to meet up with this bus and finally be reunited with our backpack.

Once again, we were racing against the clock. We had twenty minutes to get to the prearranged bus stop. One car accident or traffic back-up would have fouled up our plans. Once again, the stars aligned and we arrived at the prearranged destination with five minutes to spare.

While we waited, we could only hope that the backpack in question was my son's. The bus driver described it as black and blue. My son's backpack was black and grey, with a black and blue binder inside of it. We crossed our fingers and hoped that the backpack was my son's ... and it was.

A quick cursory check found everything my son left behind (except perhaps $1.50). His wallet, his bus pass, his school ID, the house key, all books and relevant school supplies. We were beyond relieved ...

At every step along the way, I fully expected to be met with a cool, aloof employee telling us, "Sorry, but you will have to call back tomorrow. All lost and found articles are turned in at the end of the day." But we didn't!! We found employee after employee that instead said, "Let me see what I can find out for you ..."

They all stand out in my mind. But our helpful downtown employee (five minutes before closing time) said it best. She used the phrase to me when I described our plight. I heard her say it once again when she was talking with the bus driver. She said, "I hear you". And she did.

Thanks for listening! You guys saved our day!!

Snow Day

(This would be a better picture if it wasn't garbage day)

This is what it looks like in our Fair City this morning.

It is so pretty to watch the snow falling...

Our radio station played a Christmas carol which even I found rather amusing and fit the occasion.

Then the station started receiving phone calls, texts and Facebook messages berating them for their humorous way of welcoming our first official day of snow.

If people can't find the joy in such a simple thing, they are in for a very long winter.

Impossible Things

I have belabored the fact (far too many times) that the past year was a tough one. The decision to change my career path and determination to make it work took a lot of energy. The concern about the effect on my budget was another source of ongoing stress. Getting up each morning and not knowing what I was going to face was exhausting, stressful, annoying ... and invigorating.

Suddenly ... I find my life lacking something. It has become ... easy. I have stopped goal-setting. I have found a sense of peace and security in working from home again ... but is that enough?

I can't believe that I am saying this ... but I miss the feeling of confronting a tough day, enduring it and coming out the other side victorious. Last year was full of those days. I may not have enjoyed the feeling at the onset of the day, but achieving Impossible Things was something that I had to do. It was part of my job description. I hated it. But I needed it.

I thrive on setting my sights on 'Impossible Things' and taking the necessary steps to achieve what I'm after. There is a small adrenaline rush that occurs when you achieve those Impossible Things.

I need to start setting some new goals. Perhaps I will start by making one of those hard-to-make-phone-calls. Then I will start dealing with some Unfinished Business - a project that has been haunting me for three years. I will write a note or card to a few people. I will send off an email or two.

I will interject a piece of myself into this day. I will not just endure it.

Yes, I will spend my day sitting on the floor with my one and two year old Daycare Family. But I can fill the cracks of the day at hand by doing something that fuels me. I will start small ... but I will do something. I need to set some Possible Goals before I get too zealous and start shooting for the moon.

I may not move mountains today, but it is my goal to do at least six Impossible Things before lunch ... (maybe supper).

Will Libraries Become Obsolete?

One of my son's (high school) parent teacher interviews was in the school's library Thursday night. His school opened in the fall of 2007. The current enrolment at his school is about 1,130. Back in the day when I was in school, one would imagine that this would dictate a very large school library. In today's world? Not.

The room itself was not that much larger than the size of a typical classroom. Two of the outside walls were lined with bookshelves; there were a handful of bookshelves (which were no taller than me - shorter in some cases) within that 'L' shaped alcove. There were tables. And computers. That was it!

From where we sat, there was a small bookcase which housed a few (no more than five) sets of encyclopedias. My eyes were drawn to those reference materials (which were the mainstay of my youth) and my heart sank at the realization that these books are obsolete before they are even complete. They always have been. But back in the day, it was the best that we had ...

Dormant memories resurfaced as I reflected on research projects of my youth. A Grade 5 project on Martin Luther King Jr. came vividly to mind. Never once did I think that I would look back longingly at my the memory of those arduous periods spent in the school library overwhelmed with the enormity of the project and my ability to find the reference materials that I required.

On reflection, the purpose of the research was probably no different than it would be in today's world. To utilize the reference materials at hand, find what was pertinant to your research, read and absorb what you learn and rewrite it in your own words to reflect your understanding. I suppose whether you find that information in the form of a reference book or the Internet, the learning process is still the same.

Yet there is something tangible about reading something in a book. You touch it. You experience the written word on a physical piece of paper verses the multitude of pixels that create an image on a computer screen.

From a budgeting standpoint, I fully understand the economics behind a sparse school library. The cost of start-up and maintaining a current supply of reference/reading materials must be astronomical. Not to mention the fact that once a book is checked out, no one else has access to it until it is returned. There are definite limitations to a library's resources. Whereas, information on the Internet is available 24/7 and multiple people can access the same resource.

What will today's generation remember? Google searches are the norm. I suppose the challenge may be to determine the reliability of the information that they find. Quality verses quantity. There is certainly no shortage of information out there ...

Easy access to the Internet and the ability to find up-to-the-moment information at our fingertips is making the need for libraries an antiquated idea. Yet ... just as the invention of the television didn't make the radio become obsolete; nor interstate highways negate the need for the railroad ... libraries, books and the written word will always have their place.

As I continue to fret and stew about my uncompleted family history project, I begin to wonder if this (in part) is part of my frustration. Our history is incomplete, moving and ever-changing. How do I attempt to take a 'snapshot' of a moving piece of work? Should I print it off and bind it? Should I keep an on-line publication current? Should I do both?

I am leaning towards a printed and bound hard copy of our family's story. Something for my children to hold in their hands and appreciate more as time goes by. A snapshot of our history is better than a moving piece of work that never ends, never gets written or printed.

A book is something to have and to hold. Forever. The Internet has its perks ... but the need for the written word will never become obsolete.

Searching

I am searching for something. I don't know what it is. I do believe that it has something to do with finding a deeper meaning to life's little moments.

I have a deadline. By the end of this weekend, I must come up with an idea and create an article for a paper that I write for. This particular paper challenges me because what they are looking for is precisely what is just out of my reach right now. To take an everyday moment and turn it around into something to think about and ponder ...

I have so many moments like that. I should be able to come up with something. But I'm empty. Is hanging out with one & two year olds all day hampering my ability to think/reason at an adult level and come up with a deeper meaning to life?

I feel something inside of me yearning for this deeper place that I used to know. I can feel it coming. Then suddenly, it is as if I have woken up from a dream. Like a bubble that has burst and all that is left is an essence of a thought that I can no longer remember.

I need people and interaction in my days. Yet I long to be alone. I need purpose and direction in my days. Yet I long to lose myself in a day where I follow my thoughts and whims.

I started writing a post yesterday morning that had more depth to it than talking about my Daycare Days. But I didn't have the stamina to finish what I started. The moment my daycare family walked in the door, my adult thinking/writing skills walked out.

Once my Daycare Day begins, I am in the moment. That is where I need to be. That is where I spend the day. Thus, at the day's end ... I long to be alone and quiet.

Here I sit. I am three and a half hours into my Saturday morning ...

I sit in a dimly lit room and I have closed out the world. I spent those hours researching ways to make my Daycare Days feel more satisfying. I wrote a post for my Daycare Blog. My Daycare Week has now officially wound down to a close.

It is time to reopen my thoughts to the world around me. I long to lose myself in thought so that I can hear what something deep inside of me is trying to say. My answers are within. But I am looking outside myself. Thus ... the conflict that I feel between what I need and what I long for.

A friend signed me up (with my permission) for a 'Women's Encounter' experience next weekend. It is a full day event. It is described as "an inspirational and powerful day". I believe this is exactly what I am searching for ...

In the meantime, I must make the most of my hours/days between now and then. Maybe it is time to let the world into my day and see where it takes me.

Balancing the Two-Year-Old Influence

Balance. Too much of a good thing is not altogether a good thing. Too much work. Too much play. Too much of any one thing is not a good equation for inner contentment.

I'm lovin' my new/old life. It is a wonderful, wonderful thing to work in an environment where I feel like I'm making a difference and getting the feedback I need to keep waking up and doing the same thing all over again. I am so content in my world that I could purr.

Life is a delicate balance of many things. For example ... spend all of your waking hours with one and two year olds and cocoon yourself into a quiet after-hours-world ... and you begin to reason at the age level of those you spend most of your time with!

Don't get me wrong. These little people bring a wonder and joy to my days that I had forgotten existed. I love a world where you marvel at finding a lady bug or spotting a plane in the sky. But ... they do not challenge my conversational skills.

When my two-year-old is having a tantrum, he doesn't appreciate a long drawn out discussion about the many reasons why his behaviour is not acceptable. I must grab his attention and make my point short and to the point. It is not rocket science. It is repetitive. Rinse and repeat. All day. Until the lesson is learned. Then we wake up and do it all over again ...

So you can imagine my delight when a friend suggested that we get together and go out for supper some time this week. I could have leapt for joy (I think that I did).

Last night ... I left the house. I enjoyed the company of another adult human being. I caught up with a friend that I haven't seen in ages. It was marvelous.

I returned home and felt like a new person. I slept through the night. My daycare family walked in the door this morning and I think that we all felt the difference. Right from the moment 'go'.

I couldn't and wouldn't want to do this every day. Too much of a good thing is not the answer. Balance is. Adult conversation goes a long way. You have something to mull over on the drive home, the next day and a lingering feeling of renewal long after the visit has ended.

I enjoy my solitude. Too much of that is not good either. I cocooned myself into a place that I needed to be. For a while. I need to know that I have that quiet time within each day. But it must have a beginning and an end to be appreciated to the fullest.

Last night renewed my coping abilities. I am grateful. Because right now? I must go and teach my two year old the importance of not grabbing the toys that the one year olds have in their hands ...

Adult Intervention Required

And the day started out so well!!!

I have potential supper plans for tonight. The mere idea of this catapulted me out of bed this morning and I got all of my flyers (except three) done before my kids arrived.

I tossed in a load of laundry (so my only jeans-that-fit-me will be clean when I (hopefully) go out tonight) while the kids ate breakfast. The moment the kids 'hit the floor' after breakfast, the day spiralled out of control.

The oldest set the pace. He was (literally) bouncing off the furniture and throwing toys. Yay. The younger two fed off his energy. Fun times!

So I sat down with my 2 year old and had a serious conversation about how he is the oldest and how he can teach these little guys all sorts of things. How to talk, how to behave, good manners ... he mimicked my expressions as he pretended to get excited about how he was the 'leader' and had such potential power. Then he went back to bouncing off the furniture and throwing different toys ...

I sent the youngest off for a morning nap. I turned on a movie for the oldest. The second youngest is quietly entertaining herself with the different variety of toys that I brought out. Hopefully this will reboot the morning and give us all a fresh start when the movie becomes too long and one morning nap is over.

I sent off an SOS to a friend who babysits to call me if she has a moment. I am so looking forward to adult company this evening. I have sat on the floor and conversed at the level of my one and two year olds too many consecutive days without adult conversation in between.

Anyone else out there feeling a little stir crazy? Call me. I'm sure we can find something more stimulating to talk about other than the importance of saying 'please', 'thank-you', sharing, learning the colors and counting.

In the mean time, I must go. I think I hear a garbage truck that is distracting my two-year-old mind .......

Life ...

Once again, my words are bottlenecking up inside of me. I caught myself spending energy worrying about life's little things, when I heard what others (that touch my world) are contending with. It made me feel very small.

I feel like I should do something. Say something. Be something.

Sometimes, I just don't know how to reach out. Sitting idle feels wrong.

So I will do something. Anything. Anything is better than nothing...

Thank Goodness it's Monday!

I thought I would do something 'novel' with my Sunday ... so I opened up a book and read. All day. Sort of.

I haven't read a book in ages. Reading puts me to sleep. So I thought that I would try first thing in the morning when I was well rested.

It sort of worked. Except that I seem to have the attention span of a gnat. "Oh! I need more coffee ..." "I should check my email..." "I'm exhausted ... am I reading? or dozing off?" "I need to eat something ..." "I need to eat something else ..."

When I finally stopped bouncing off and on the couch for one of a million reasons, I got tired. I did this all day. I read all day ... and I am on page 222.

There used to be a time when I could read a book in a day. Maybe this one just didn't grab my attention? It isn't a bad book. It wasn't really a page turner either.

Reading used to entertain, amuse and inspire me. Reading used to transport me out of my real life and I could lose myself in a fictional world. What is different?

My inability to stay awake is a big deterrent to sitting still with a book. My habit of grabbing something to eat so that I can stay awake is growing old.

All I can say this morning is a diet of Pringles, interspersed with Nanaimo bars for the duration of a day does not make for a happy stomach. Or brain. I need to nourish myself with good food and good living!

Thankfully my responsibilities today will pull me out of the state that I was in yesterday. Thank goodness it's Monday!

Back in the Driver's Seat

I am back. I am sooo back! Days like yesterday are the reason I know I am back in the driver's seat of my life.

When I worked for someone else, I felt totally at their mercy. I tried too hard. I apologized excessively for my inadequacies. I continually brought myself down because I didn't know enough, had to ask questions and made mistakes. I needed feedback, communication and support in that role. I felt like I was lost at sea. I was drowning in my insecurities and never quite earned my water wings.

I can still feel the echoes of those days within me. I believe that is the reason that my anxiety levels rise when a parent questions how I do things and makes observations about 'how her child has changed' since she started coming to my daycare. I can feel that insecure girl inside of me start to run into her corner.

I think that perhaps those irrational emotions were the trigger to a less-than-perfect-Thursday this week. I wasn't rolling with the punches that day because I was not feeling secure in myself and my choice. I do believe that the thought crossed my mind that I couldn't do this job either ...

Then Friday morning rolled around and I reasserted myself into my role here and created a Chapter Worthy Day. The day was a success on every level. Because I took what I knew worked ... and focused on that. I addressed that which seemed to be dragging us down and worked on it. From the onset of the day, I set my mind on creating a great day.

When I work for myself, I am the one who has the ability to take a situation and deal with it or try to find a way to make it work.

When I was putting my new little one-year-old down for her nap yesterday, she leaned in for a kiss. That was a first. It made my day.

This little one is experiencing separation anxiety at the beginning of her days and her parents are feeling it two-fold. I texted the mom after this special little moment because I knew that she would be carrying the weight of this transition and her daughter's morning tears with her all day. She was so grateful for the mid-day update. I received an immediate response, ending with "You are a true blessing to us!"

Working for myself, I now have the ability to take a bad day and turn it into a catalyst for our best-day-yet. The rewards? They are everywhere. Some days I have to look a little harder than others, but at the end of the day ... feeling that I am earning the trust and respect of the parents that bring their children here is the best reward.

Then I read my horoscope and this is what it said: "It's good to be tolerant, to accept that different people see things in different ways, but that does not mean you have to change your own ways. You are who you are for a reason - a good reason, too."

Yes. I am where I am meant to be. I can 'just be me' ... and it is enough.

A Chapter Worthy Day

I have started 'A Book About Our Days at Daycare' for my daycare family. A book full of pictures of the kids, stories about our days, what we see and what is important and interesting to my daycare family. Within our first four weeks, we had amassed six chapters. Then I started up my daycare blog for my families and my energy got diverted to that. I haven't written a chapter for two weeks now. It is time ...

This week has had been 'the best of days ... and the worst of days ...' all wrapped up into a three day time span.

The natives are getting restless. We are spending too much time indoors. One negative behaviour is bringing the house down...

Our daycare days have gone from calm, happy and uplifting ... to a place where whining 'wins'. Parents are noticing the change in their children when they go home at nights. I am not loving the side of me that is coming out with this negativeness in the air.

Today we are going to focus on that which is good. I am going to go snap-happy and take pictures. All day. We are going to create a most wonderful day and add that chapter (literally) to our Daycare Book.

I am going to write this day in my head as we go along. I will do my best to script and choreograph a most wonderful day. I am planning this in advance. I can see it. I know that what goes down in history for our book must be happy and uplifting. So that is the kind of day that we are going to have today!

We can't undo yesterday. Today is a fresh slate and we have the chance for a do-over.

That is a gift that each and every one of us has, when we wake up to a brand new day. Another chance to make the day the best it can be. Most days are a lot of the same old, same old. But if we open up our eyes to a day and decide from the onset, that it will be a day worth remembering ... we are opening up the opportunity to create a Chapter Worthy Day.

Live Like You Were Dying

It is happening all around me. People that I know are being touched by the inevitable fate that we all share. Age simply doesn't matter. It comes out of (seemingly) nowhere and a life is gone or in jeopardy.

I have no answers. Only questions. If one thing can be learned by seeing how fragile our lives are, it is to make the most of every day we are given.

Make today special in some small way...

All is Calm ...

It is one degree above freezing this morning. It is drizzling rain. It is dark. I was leaning on the side of not choosing to deliver flyers this morning when I went to check to see if the flyers had been dropped off yet. They weren't. The choice was taken out of my hands. I couldn't deliver the flyers. I didn't want to deliver the flyers ... <Insert happy dance here>

So here I am. Revelling in the warmth of our home with my second cup of coffee by my side, with happy little thoughts wafting through my mind.

The first item on my Real Life agenda this morning (after reading the blogs that I follow and generally puttering around on the computer for a while) was to check my bank balance. And what should I find ... but a bonus "patronage credit" deposited to my chequing account yesterday. It was a small amount, but it was almost enough to cover the last of the costs incurred to complete Phase I of the new deck my Middle Son constructed for me. Yet another 'pennies from heaven' story to add to my collection ...

Now all I have to do this morning, is to wait for the arrival of my three daycare charges. My newly adopted family ...

Things are going so well in my daycare world! I simply could not be happier with the children in my care and the families that I babysit for ...

My newest 'family member' had a bit of a tough time with her transition to full-time care last week. It wasn't an awful week. It just took a different kind of energy. I wasn't frustrated. I was simply resigned to the fact that each child is different and I thought to myself "just give it a month". This was all new to her. Not to mention that her mom was out of town for training her very first week back to work. This poor little girl had a lot of changes thrown at her all at once.

Yesterday?? She cried a few tears when her dad dropped her off, then the rest of 'the family' arrived and she was off and running. It was if she had time to process the entire situation over the weekend and come to terms with her new weekday schedule. She toddled around here as if she had been coming here her whole life. She was happy, content and even started to fall asleep on the floor with our doll's blanket snuggled up beneath her before it was time for her morning nap. This was something that I never could have imagined happening last week ...

It was simply a great day.

I am revelling in my new/old life. I get to sit on the floor and see life through the eyes of one and two year olds. I am enjoying my new family. I am not so over-run with kids, various schedules and changes that my limits are being pushed. We have a calm and regular life-at-home. I can feel it in the kids. Even my energetic newest little addition has adopted this laid back way of living a day.

The energy within our home feels different these days. I am enjoying it. I feel my daycare family is adopting it. There is a sense of everything-is-okay here. All is calm. All is bright.

I am so glad that life brought me back to where I have always wanted to be ....

Sleep

I have been very conscious of my current sleep habits since I took a sleep apnea test over the weekend ...

I am highly doubtful that this test will show anything worth worrying over. But my excessive tiredness has been such an ongoing issue that I mentioned it to my doctor, who referred me to a respiratory specialist, who recommended this test. So I guess, if nothing else, I will find out what (if anything) this home monitor test reveals in a few weeks.

My weekends have been exhausting me lately. Any plans which consist of overnight-anything deplete me. I have had two such weekends in a row. This past weekend, I was thrilled to be able to simply stay home and follow the rhythms of my body and sleep habits.

The one thing that the overnight monitoring made me aware of, was the number of times that I wake up in the night.

The night of the test, I was supposed to try and remember what times I woke up and what woke me up. It is hard to retain this information in the middle of a 'good night's sleep', so my times and memories were vague. I simply remember looking at the clock and seeing 12, 1, 2, 3 or 4, 5 & 6 o'clock. I thought that I probably woke up so often because I was aware of this monitoring equipment and all of the record-keeping that I was supposedly doing in my head ...

That is, until the nights that followed. I didn't track the times, but all of a sudden I became aware of the number of times that I wake up in the night. This night time wakefulness is not out of the ordinary for me. I know that this interupted sleep could simply be a normal and expected part of the process of aging. But I started to wonder how many hours of sleep I am actually getting at night ... 

I watched a fair bit of TV on the weekend. And I stayed awake most of the time! This is highly unusual for me. Perhaps it is because of the food intake (I know for a fact, that I eat to stay awake) or maybe it was the caffeine. I was drinking far more coffee than I usually do. Or maybe it was simply because I was well rested and my body didn't require the extra sleep.

I decided that it was time to experiment. Reading always puts me to sleep. Always. I can sit down feeling fully refreshed and wide awake, thinking that I could read forever. The next thing I know, I'm waking up. So I 'read'. The next thing I knew, I was waking up ...

Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe something is amiss with my sleeping habits. It may be nothing. But it could be something.

The fact that it could be something immediately made me think of how inadequate I felt when trying to learn, retain information, cope and thrive in a workplace outside of my home this past year.

When I worked outside of home, I severely limited my coffee intake. Number One reason - so I wouldn't need to use the washroom facilities. Number Two reason - because no workplace really became 'home' to me and the coffee ritual never began. But what if ... what if the lack of caffeine played havoc with my ability to stay alert and learn my job effectively!? Maybe my need-for-coffee is my body's way of staying awake ...

When I worked at home, I often nodded off during the day. When I babysat (more often than not), quiet time became nap time for me. When I did bookkeeping, when the waves of exhaustion hit I just laid down for a while and caught the necessary sleep that I needed so that I could carry on. Heavens! When my bookkeeping became an out-of-my-home job, I took a few naps (instead of breaks) sitting up at my desk.

Working at the school, I didn't have the time to feel tired until one job where my primary responsibility was filing (by myself). Standing upright, doing a physical job, the waves of tiredness hit me hard one day. I 'medicated' myself with caffeine to get through the last of my shifts at that job.  But throughout the rest of the year and the over-the-top-anxiety that I felt ... could it have been on account of exhaustion?

It would bring me such peace of mind to learn that perhaps my body's need for sleep was a part of what went wrong in my adventures of working outside of my home last year.

But I must prepare myself (and I do truly believe this is what they will find) for an 'inconclusive' test result to this test. Then I must own up to the 'me' that I am. Brainwaves must move a little bit slower as you age. Perhaps sleep has nothing to do with it.

But what if it does ...

Setbacks

"A setback is really just a set-up for future accomplishment."

This is a quote from "Gilmore Girls" that grabbed my attention when I heard it the second time around this weekend.

Isn't life funny that way? You hear something once but when it doesn't apply to what you are living at that moment, it doesn't register. Then you hear it (or watch a rerun of the same program) years later and you find the profound wisdom in a simple sentence. Because you have the life experience to insert in between the lines.

There is not one setback in my life that did not set the stage for something that I needed to know or experience to make future years brighter than they would have been if I had not learned those lessons along the way.

I babysit a two-year old boy whose mom became a parent very close to the same age that I was, when I had my oldest son. The parallels and similarities between our life's paths are so close that it is uncanny. Right down to some of the most minute details.

I was describing one of these details to a friend of mine when suddenly I was reminded of a time when my young-life-experiences were identical to this young mom. It was a time that I have rarely talked about. I realize now, that this was a pivotal moment in my life...

My 51-year-old-self cannot believe that I 'went back for more' after this event ... but upon replaying the scenario aloud for the first time in over 25 years, I remember (at the time) saying aloud, "I am as sick as he is ... because I keep going back for more". That realization led me straight to the doors of an Al-Anon meeting instead of walking away from the relationship right then and there. Those meetings changed me. From the inside, out.

From that point onwards, I started making healthier decisions. It took time. Thankfully enough time to create a baby. Because had I walked away from my marriage after that pivotal event (that makes me (now) shake my head in astonishment), my middle son would never have been born ...

I have had various setbacks (aka: set-ups) over the course of the time span between then and now. I have bounced back and realized how necessary it was to go through the challenges that life brought my way, to bring me to a better place than I was when I started.

Which is perhaps why the year that preceded this one was the one that unglued me. I wasn't ready for this series of lessons. Because I was failing at something that I had always (always!!!) succeeded at before. My career. My livelihood.

And this is what Lorelai said to Rory ("Gilmore Girls") about just that topic ....

"And I think you've had kind of an easy time. I mean most of the things you've gone for you've gotten. This setback might help you have some perspective."

That Lorelai is one wise mom. I have walked through life's latest setback and come out the other side. That experience most definitely helped me to gain some perspective.

And it set me up for so much more ...

Grateful

“There is a simple path to follow, that appears only when you calm your mind. It leads you on a beautiful journey back to your original self; the perfect, beautiful you.”

~ Bryant McGill

I accidentally stumbled across this 'simple path' when my life got very quiet and the answers that I needed to hear came to me without effort, without soul searching and without a doubt in my mind that these were the answers that I needed to hear.

Notably, the time that this stands out the most for me was that 'sitting in a sunbeam moment' with my new son. It was the first time that I was aware of the relationship between the quieting of my mind and finding the direction that was right for me.

There are other times that I remember as an afterthought. The times when it was almost as if someone (when no one was there in a physical sense) whispered in my ear and told me a plain truth. A truth that made my choices from that moment on ... obvious and (relatively) easy.

Last year about this time, I felt the need to run away. My mom hates when I use that phrase: "run away". I guess because it sounded like I wanted to leave and never come back. The exact opposite was the truth. I knew I craved some physical distance between me and the issues at hand. I knew that I had to find a quiet place where my mind could relax and 'my answers' would reveal themselves. I suppose the more apt way to phrase it would be that I was "running toward" my answers and inevitably returning home with a game plan.

Once again this past summer, I felt the need to find that quiet place that I needed, to help me relax and find the route I needed to take. Those quiet days never did happen, but lucky for me an angel (that I call my friend) whispered in my ear (actually we were talking on the phone) and said the words that my subconscious mind was ready to hear. The rest is history.

I crave quiet moments. I am certain that this is why I get up hours before I need to go anywhere or 'be' anyone to anybody else. I need that time to regroup. Be quiet with my thoughts. And write. So many subconscious thoughts rise to the surface when I write.

When my quiet time is infringed upon, I feel like I'm drowning. I'm gasping for air and trying to reach the surface. I know what I need to regain my sense of ease ... but sometimes, it is just out of reach.

This weekend has been a blessing of quiet moments at home. I have talked to friends on the phone. I had company yesterday. But it was all easy. All from the comfort of home with lots of quiet time to renew my spirit.

I am grateful today. Grateful for the contrasts in life that help me appreciate and savor the quiet moments ... because I have so much more than the 'quiet' going on in my life. And for that too ... I am grateful.

Today ...

Today ...

I slept in. Just an hour ... but it was a good hour.

I placed the phone, the TV & VCR remotes and a book onto the end table in the living room. This ... is my goal today. To relax.

I will deliver the flyers ... but I will wait until later in the day so that the sun has a chance to warm up the cool fall air. I will turn a job into something enjoyable by not racing against the clock or doing it first thing in the morning to get it done and over with.

I will revel in the little treats that I bought for myself last night. A new sweater. A new top. A new book. All on sale. Today ... I shall enjoy my purchases.

Today ... will be a day of enjoying simple pleasures.

P.S. As an extra added bonus I even turned up the heat in the house. It is actually warm in here. Party on!!!

The Gift of Choice

6:36 a.m. - I could (and probably should) be out delivering flyers at the moment ... but I don't have to be out there this morning! So I may or may not go out and start that job. My uncommitted weekend  has given me the gift of that choice.

I wrote that sentence and minutes later, I was out the door delivering those flyers. Funny what a difference it makes to choose to do something. I kept telling myself the past few weeks, that I would have chose to do those flyers in the early morning hours. But that feeling of doing it out of necessity made the very same task feel onerous.

I have a skip in my step this morning as I anticipate this upcoming long weekend of doing nothing out of necessity.

I feel almost weightless as I step towards the weekend. I mindlessly started writing a list of want-to-do tasks.

I hope to relax my body, mind and soul this weekend. I am so tempted to 'unplug' from all contact with the world and just retreat within our life at home. I don't want to be pulled out of this place I am at right now. Unless it is by choice ...

Taking What I Have ... and Making it Work!

Life has hit a very enjoyable plateau. I know that I have to strive for more but for now I am focusing on making what I have ... work.

As I think back on this past year I remember where I've been and focus on all that I learned, I am beyond grateful to have found my way back home.

It exhausts me to focus on the financial instability that continues to play a part in my days. Though I am already earning more than I averaged over the course of the past year, I cannot become too complacent about that fact. I should be out there 'selling myself' to attract one or two more children to my daycare.

I used to sit down with my finances on a regular basis, consumed with juggling the numbers to balance the budget. I spent a lot of time sitting down and 'doing the math'. And in the end?? It really didn't matter. No matter what I did, unexpected expenses arose and messed up my numbers. Many times ... the opposite happened. It seemed (almost) every time I was making the best choices that I could with the money I had at hand, 'pennies from heaven' would fall just when I needed them the most. There was always enough.

It took the greater part of my life to reach the point where I realized that worrying about money was a waste of energy. As long as I respected the money that I had and didn't overextend my spending (paying off my credit card at the end of each month was the one rule that I followed religiously) ... things had a way of working out.

I have a system that works for me.

I have added up my annual expenses and divided them by 12. I set that dollar amount aside every month and when I need the money to cover the bigger bills, it is there.

Thankfully, my mortgage is (relatively) small and all that I am required to pay is the interest. This feature has allowed me the freedom to make choices that I never could have if I had to pay rent or regular mortgage payment.

My bills are minimal. I am so grateful for that fact. It has given me the opportunity to learn &/or earn-as-I-go. But ... the past year has been a bit of a financial challenge. Now that I am working at a job that I feel fully capable of doing, I do need to focus just a small bit on making myself become just a little more financially stable.

But I do not want that to rule my choices. The last time I ran my daycare, I was in a perpetual state of Financial Worry. I took on too many children because I was worried about income security, safety nets and all contingencies 'just in case' of all of the various scenarios that affected my bottom line.

This time? I know I can live on little. I know that I am a calmer, better daycare provider when I have fewer children in my care. I am discovering that less is more when it comes to taking care of children. The truth of the matter is that kids have more fun when there are more kids to play with. So I do hope that my daycare family grows to 'four'. Five at a a maximum.

But for this very moment? I need to focus on making what I have ... work. And? It seems to be working for me.

Case in point - I checked my bank balance this morning to find an excess! I have received another final pay cheque from my last employer. Pennies from heaven when I least expected them ...

"...He has continuously made a way when there seemed to be no way ..."

~ Quote from "The Miracle of Cedar Lodge"

Life's Little Annoyances

"Ever since you reopened your daycare ..."

I've been on the receiving end of that statement a few times in a few days. I'm hearing feedback from those that share this roof. If the end of those statements ended with a follow-up statement worse than going through bowls more quickly or me getting up too early (and making noise) ... I wouldn't be so offended.

I got up just as early during my reign at the school board. I did exactly the same things. The only difference? I open a few more drawers to retrieve the diapers and wash clothes that I will need for the day. On the day in question? Yes ... I vacuumed the mat at the back door. I have also done this before.

The bowl (non)issue? Crazy. My answer was "We could buy more bowls if that is our biggest problem". (I must admit that this was more of an observation than a complaint ... but it just came on the heels of everything else).

I am going through another transition of adding a new personality to my daycare this week. This little girl demands a different kind of attention and energy. She cries. A lot. Crying wears me down. It is only Wednesday. This is to be expected and I am okay with this. But it drains me.

I have a parent who doesn't believe her child should go outside because she has a cough. I disagree with this thinking. I think that fresh air is good. Perhaps she is making an issue out of the cough because of the ear infection that preceded it. The ear infection? I get. I have kept her head covered with whatever the mom has provided. It is just that this particular parent offers me a lot of feedback which is starting to make me feel like I cannot do anything to meet her standards. It wears on a person.

I also just found out that one of my family's circumstances has changed and even though she has assured me otherwise, I am afraid that this mom may have to move back to her parent's home (out of town) to make her finances work.

I suddenly feel like I have a lot of 'bosses'. I thought it was going to be easy when my underlying job was simply to keep the kids happy and everyone else would be happy too.

It is coming at me from too many different angles. I am fighting too many battles that don't deserve the energy it is taking.

I started this week with nothing in reserve. I was exhausted. I am regaining my equilibrium again and I have an uncommitted long weekend on the horizon. I just need to regain my footing so that I can brush off life's little annoyances with ease.

Everything has felt bigger than it actually was this week. Wednesday has always been my turn-around day. The day where I have the most energy. I am already fielding the challenges of the day better.

I still believe that my role is to keep my kids happy and everyone else will be happy by default. I am going to stick with that. It works. And it feels right.

Finite Resources

There are only 24 hours in a day no matter what way you slice it or dice it. Some people can do more with those 1,440 minutes than others ... but we all have the same time at our disposal.

Energy is also a finite resource. We are each fueled by sleep, nourishment and our level of health. We are unique in how we juggle all of the above to make the most of our day.

We are each motivated by a variety of different factors. Doing something out of necessity can energize one person and deplete the next.

If we are young, in good health and inspired to make the most of a day we can move mountains in a 24 hour period.

A happy and healthy state of mind is a blessing. A healthy body that works the way we expect it to is a gift. A good balance of all that nourishes a soul can bring about the most productive days we dare to hope for.

When the balance is out of kilter, it takes a toll on everything else.

Friends. Family. Home. Work. Leisure. Mind stimulating opportunities. Down time. Nourishment. Balancing the budget. And the list goes on.

All of these factors are important to my peace of mind and when one or another are out of kilter, I can feel my equilibrium teeter.

As I sit here in the middle of the room with my three young charges underfoot, I see how easy it should be.

Eat when you are hungry. Sleep when you are tired. Cry when you want to. Laugh without worrying what anyone else thinks. Make friends with everyone. Believe that you deserve to play with that toy just as much as the next guy. And make the most of the hours between nap times.

As we grow up, we start to let our priorities get all mixed up. I think that I need to start by making the most of my hours between naps. I have been letting time slip through my fingers lately ... but the need to sleep when I've been tired has been playing havoc with the hours available in the day.

I'm looking forward to the long weekend to put myself back in a balanced state of living....

When a Little is Enough

Oh, how quickly Monday morning rolled around again ...

It was a busy and fun weekend. Busy tending to that-which-I-needed/wanted-to do, before I indulged in a 24 hour retreat with a group of friends.

It was a weekend that fulfilled me on every level. But once full ... I was empty.

I returned home and had less than no energy. I slept. And slept. And slept.

Thankfully I woke to a day of work-from-home. I love when my work comes to me. I love when I get to stay home and just be 'me' ... and that is enough. It is enough to give to the children in my care. They come to me and just want me to keep them safe, happy, clean and fed.

I just have to be a 'mom' today ... and it is enough.