I Feel Something Happening Here

I walked into the kitchen this morning with Terk's voice (Rosie O'Donnell) from the Tarzan movie singin' it to me. ♪♫ Somethin's happenin' here ... ♪♫ 

I have camped out in the downstairs spare bedroom this weekend because I'm considering moving on down, to separate my living sleeping quarters from my daycare world.

The first night? Not so great. I didn't pack my ultra extravagant and expensive pillows because I was convinced they were not working for me. It turns out I was very wrong. Good to know!

Then there are the middle of the night cat chases which are very loud when the cats start skidding out on the laminate in the playroom outside my bedroom door. 

And, I didn't have the remote control buttons to the TV memorized, so not only did I have to turn on the lights each time I woke up, so that I could turn on the TV so I could fall back to sleep, but I had to physically walk up to the TV with the remote in my hand, to turn on the TV. So after three aborted attempts at failing to stay asleep the minute the TV turned off, I just turned it on and left it on. Only I am used to a tiny little TV lighting up my room at night. Not a huge screen monstrosity like the TV in (what I believe is now) my new bedroom.

My camp out in my potential new bedroom fuelled the embers to the fire I started feeding last week. I came home from work last night, gobbled down my supper and switched up two bedrooms upstairs. My old room is now the new TV/play room. The old play room is now a spare room. Or my new room if I back out of my plan to move downstairs. 

Phase three of this project is to get the TV out of the living room. I woke up this morning knowing with a glaring certainty, that this is the move that is going to change my world.

Yes, we have one television set for every boy, woman and cat (with one TV left over) in this house. It is crazy. I am not certain how or why this happened, but it did. I am convinced if I tuck each of these televisions into a room of their own, they will stop infringing on my life.

It is amazing what a slightly different perspective brings into view. 

I entered the kitchen from downstairs this morning, so I turned on a different light. The light over the kitchen sink is still softly glowing in the distance instead of 180 watts from the fixture over the table. I feel so much more relaxed without that glaring artificial light screaming at me. If I'm going to wake up to darkness outside, I don't feel like illuminating the world inside too brightly, too soon. I want to follow the sun's lead instead of fighting it. 

Soft and muted light is soothing my soul this morning. I feel a level of ambition that usually doesn't come to life at the end of my work week. I am itching to move the TV out of this room and out of my line of sight. I want to turn my new bedroom into my oasis. I want to shuffle around what we have so everything we need is convenient and everything we don't need is gone.

I have often talked of creating our own personal living space downstairs. A place where I am not concerned about the kids getting into or destroying something. A place where we can just hang out and relax and know it is "ours". 

One of my many thoughts about how to subsidize the high cost of living, has been renting out the upstairs and living downstairs (after my daycare days are over). Moving my bedroom downstairs has not only shifted the place where I lay my weary head at night, but it has shifted my thinking.

From appreciating the value of my expensive pillows ... to shuffling things around to make them work in a new and improved way ... to removing the distraction of TV from my central living zone ... to dreaming of ways to make what we have work differently for us ... I feel something akin to happiness in my thought processes today. 

♪♫ Somethin's happenin' here ... ♪♫ 

It is the Simplest of Things That Bring the Greatest Joy

Boy, did I need this laugh at the end of a very long Friday.

I think I will own cats until the day I die. Oh, the joy they bring to my life!

Living in a Superficial World

I finally realized what has been lacking in my life. Depth.

My day is filled with the comings and goings of my daycare parents and we have light and easy chats at drop off and pick up times. I coffee with friends but never really scratch the surface. Mom and I talk on a regular basis but again, those conversations are light and easy.

Then it happened. One deep and meaningful conversation on the weekend. Another deep email exchange of confidences only a few days later. Both of these conversations had a parallel theme. It was of a "I'll tell you my story, if you don't try to make me feel better and fix where I am at" variety. Sometimes Usually, a person really has to find their own way through the mire. I am like that too. The bigger the problem, the quieter I get. I understand.

I just so happened to owe one of those people a birthday card/letter, so yesterday morning I sat down with a pen and paper and just wrote. I was very conscious of not trying to console, advise, offer quotes and/or words of wisdom. I just told my story and how I was feeling about where I was at in this life of mine and the words just fell out of my pen and onto the page.

As I was writing, I kind of knew my stories were one of an "insert yourself here" kind and I was pretty sure if my friend  had the energy (and time) to read my little saga, she may find some relate-able tales. I opened myself up onto the page and it felt good. It felt really good.

I didn't have any crisis's to confess. I simply wrote of that tiny, whiny little voice inside of my head which always lets me know it's time to look up, focus on my life and my world, shake it up a bit and try to shift gears and focus on a new light to follow. I wrote of my fears, my quiet and silly thoughts I keep inside my head and simply opened myself up more than I have in a little while.

 I didn't even write anything I haven't already said aloud. I just put those sentences, thoughts, fears and anxious little thoughts together in a paragraph, which ended up being a page and it made so much more sense to me when I put it all together like a math equation which is in search of a solution.

No, there is not a thing wrong within my world. I just need to add a layer of depth to the superficial conversations and relationships which make up my days. I believe that is why I was so grateful to have an excuse to have a conversation with my daycare parents this past week, as I considered the possibility of adding "one more" to our daycare family. We don't talk beyond the day and I really thrive on knowing we have a solid foundation and a future. These are words which build me up and keep me strong.

I find this superficiality exhausting. I walk away from conversations tired from trying so hard. It is so much easier when we drop our pretenses and just be who we are with each other. I walk away from those encounters energized, inspired and ready to take on the world.

I "write out loud" far too much. I need to purge the annoying little thoughts that get stuck in a loop in my mind. I try to be careful what I put out into the blogosphere because I know too many people who read what I write. I write a weekly letter to my mom and if she doesn't approve of my thoughts-of-the-day (or week), I hear about it. So I write carefully there too (and apparently, I should be more careful there too). Add censoring my writing to censoring my words when in the midst of a "let's talk about the weather" kind of conversation and I feel like a superficial person in a superficial world.

I feel like I am tiptoeing through my days. And I am tired. So very, very tired. I need to dig beneath the surface to find what I am after, Now that I am aware of this, it is up to me to persue it.

It is a Good Life

"My life isn't perfect, but it is perfect for me."

I think that is my new motto. I said this out loud after living one of the most uncomfortable weeks in recent history. You know those days (weeks) when you obsess about something that really doesn't matter and you can't let it go? It had been one of "those" weeks.

I do a decent job of dealing with life as it comes along. If something is running through my mind and making me uncomfortable, I try to do what is within my power to ease the discomfort and let it go.

If an apology is required, I apologize. If I need to say something to stand my ground on some issue, I try to address it. I usually sit back and write it out carefully and send it off (i.e. my daycare newsletters). If I need to do something, I try to do it so I can be done with it.

My mind is a rotating door of mini-issues that I roll with on a daily basis. Most things are quite small. Other things need time to marinate. The odd little thing feels bigger than the rest but in reality, I have it pretty easy over here in my little corner of the world.

I work from home and make a decent living doing so. I work for incredible people and this week, I received the best compliment a caregiver can receive. One of my parents referred me to a co-worker who is considering changing daycares. This new parent may or may not decide to move forward with this plan but in the mean time, it gave me an opportunity to talk with all of my parents as I investigated the possibilities of adding "one more" to the mix. These conversations pick me up and carry me when I feel like I am "not enough".

I have discovered the most effective way for me to do my job is to sit on the floor with the kids and just roll with the day. How many people can say that about their job? Am I lucky or am I lucky!?

While I've been sitting on the floor, I've found a different vantage point to my little world. I've grabbed a notebook and started dreaming again. So far the dreams are free, attainable and revolve around working with what I already have. All I need is a little bit of time and energy (oh, and maybe one more set of muscles). I've been missing my dream state and I found it again. By sitting still, on the floor, with kids crawling all over me. Who knew it could be so easy??

When my doors close at the end of my daycare day and I seal ourselves off from the world by hanging our sheets (waiting for new blinds for the new living room windows), I feel awash with peace, joy, contentment and ease. I clean the kitty litter, scrounge up something for supper and revel in my wonderful little world.

I live in a world where my work comes to me. I earn enough to live a comfortable life. Everything I need is within these four walls and if it isn't here, I have the ability to pick up the phone, write a card or letter or email and bring a little piece of the outside world in here where it is safe and comfortable.

We have our health. That is huge. It is beyond huge. I am at "that age" where it seems I hear of all the ailments, health issues, chronic pain and bigger than life worries that seem to be affecting most people within my little circle. I know how fortunate we are to wake up to life as we expect it each morning. I know this could change in a New York minute. I don't obsess about that fact but it does make me appreciate that which we have.

I think of all I have and am so annoyed with myself for letting little things get under my skin. When I waste time worrying over things that really don't matter, I chastise myself. I know better!

I have developed the bad habit of comparing myself to others. I joined a Childcare Connection site and I read what other caregivers have to offer as they sell their daycare and their services to the masses. I don't have all they have to offer. I don't have the same education, letters after my name and all the food-safe courses under my belt. I run on 37 years of parenting experience, common sense and an open door policy where I communicate freely with the parents of my children. I'm "just me". I'm not "all that", that I read. When I compare myself to others, I'm nothing.

I "unfollowed" that group. I'm still a part of it but I don't get all of their notifications. While I was at it, I "unfollowed" a few other groups and several Facebook friends. I don't need to fill my head with that which makes me feel like what I have, who I am and what I have to offer is any less than anyone else.

I much prefer to live quietly in my bubble wrapped little world where I don't measure myself up to the world around me. I like to use "yesterday" as my measuring tool. If yesterday was not a good day, I will try to make today better. If yesterday was a good day, I'll try to measure up to it again. I won't even measure myself against "tomorrow". If I don't do all I set out to do tomorrow I will try not to beat myself up over it. I will do my best to just make the most of the day I have at hand, with my eye on the future so I don't waste too many (more) of those days. I will try.

I'm tired of beating myself up. It is exhausting and self destructive. I know I need a healthy dose of constructive criticism to make my today just as good, if not better than yesterday. But not at the cost of crushing my hopes and dreams.

It is a good life that I am living. I just need to sit myself back down on the floor and keep that new perspective in line with what I can effectively accomplish within the confines of this blissful little existence of mine.

The Need to Fill the Void

I'm in a new "head space" and I'm not quite sure what to do with all the emptiness.

This is a good thing. My challenge-of-the-year has been conquered, dispersed and dealt with. The hardest part about dealing with the change of registration on land titles was getting past the cover page. Once it was approved and passed all rules and regulations, the rest was as simple as printing off the new, revised land titles. It was actually a bit of a let down after all the struggle. But it is done. The file is out of sight. It is no longer taking up any space in my brain.

The next big thing I have accomplished is that I finished watching all eleven seasons of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. It was a tough job but somebody had to do it. It took all summer and well into the fall. But it is done. And now that it is, I miss Meredith and her friends deeply. Once a week is not enough. Yes, I could go back to the beginning and enjoy it again but I know I need to take a step away from Grey's Anatomy and broaden my horizons. Maybe I'll start watching "House" instead...

I have learned the best way to have a good daycare day, is to sit on the floor at eye level with my little daycare family and do nothing else but watch and listen to them. This is fun and enjoyable for the first hour of the day. By the second hour, I am looking for adult oriented thoughts.

Yesterday I grabbed a notepad and pen so I could start reshuffling the contents of our house around in my mind. Maybe I'll move my bedroom downstairs so I can create a TV room upstairs to encourage less TV in our days. Maybe I could move the living room furniture downstairs and turn the upstairs into strictly a daycare zone. Maybe I'll just keep doodling until I talk myself out of such things. But the idea of packing up and camping downstairs is not a bad idea.

Fall has given us a much appreciated hiatus from yard work. I finally decided to rake up a pile of leaves which had blown up against our fence yesterday. While I was at it, I moved some of the outdoor furniture, which has seen little use the past few weeks, into the garage. I re-heard what my brother told me about how much he enjoys the fall because it provides a reprieve from lawn mowing and snow shovelling. Smart man, my brother. I think I'll sit back and savor that too. More empty space within my job requirements as an adult.

One would think all of this freedom would make me feel like I could spread my wings and fly. But for some odd reason, I find myself missing the sense of purpose and structure these daunting little tasks once provided. I know I need to fill the void with something but I haven't honed in on what will be the best fit. "Life" hasn't pre-empted any of my planning and inserted some needs-to-be-done-immediately chore to fill the void either. That usually happens the moment I have found my next goal.

I'm looking for something. I am just not quite sure what it is. I'm itching to start moving furniture around. I'm looking for something new within what I already have. Maybe I'll pack my bags and move downstairs to see how it feels.

Or maybe I'll just get dressed and ready to spend another day sitting on the floor pre-empting trouble before it happens throughout the daycare day ahead of me.

I received an email from someone who is very interested in joining our little daycare family yesterday. I'm very interested in the possibilities and intrigued to see how this plays out. It would add one more little girl to our mix, which has been shifting over to a more boy dominated world. This could be a good thing. I think.

I need something new to think about. Just when I think I'll have it all by clearing the slate and my mind, there I go trying to fill it up again. Life is a perpetual thing. If the voids weren't filled with something new, we would lose a big piece of who we are. I worry about the decades ahead of me. How will I continue to fill the void as time goes on?

I feel a little like Mr. Incredible during his interview at the beginning of the movie "The Incredibles". "No matter how many times you save the world, it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. Sometimes, I just want it to stay saved, you know..." Yet throughout the movie, he was drawn to saving the world. Over and over again. He felt lost without that sense of purpose.

I laugh every time I hear Mr. Incredible's words in my mind. I think the same thing time and time again. I just want the cupboards to stay full, the house to stay clean, the grass to stay mowed and the list goes on. Yet without these annoying little tasks which fill the cracks of my day where would I be? Maybe, just maybe ... I could be out there saving the world!

(Mr. Incredible's quote is at about 1:25 in this clip)

Daylight Savings Time Blues

Yesterday morning, as I slept in past my usual 6:00 a.m. wake up time, I quietly celebrated Daylight Savings Time. That extra hour bought me some time with Paul LaFrance and his crew (from "Decked Out") instead of listening to Tom Bergeron sell me on the "21 Day Fix" for the bazillionth time.

Yes, I wake up to the TV each and every morning. I hate crawling out of bed these days, so I tune the television to the HGTV channel and snooze through most everything they run. Except for the infomercials. I cannot sleep through anything that bores or annoys me. Crazy, I know.

As I dozed through that extra hour yesterday morning, I celebrated the shift in television programming. The rest of the world turns their clocks back, resulting in an hour delay for most of my television viewing, in the land where we never "Turn Back Time" (sing it, Cher!).

I was okay with that change. Until this morning.

I have developed a little crush on Bryan Baeumler and I quite enjoy listening to his banter as everyone "Leaves it to Bryan". He is delightful, has a fun sense of humor, brings the shortcomings of people's houses and skills to light without bashing someone's ego. He is my kind of guy.

Before Daylight Savings Time, I spent an hour sleeping through Bryan's banter each and every morning. Mike Holmes follows with his "Holmes Inspections" at 6:00 a.m. and there is nothing like a little Mike to make me jump out of bed and start my day. He is such a Negative Nellie. There is something about his voice that grates on my last sleeping nerve. I have to turn that guy off and tune into my own life which is a hundred times cheerier than the troubles he finds within each and every holme home he inspects.

This system has worked very well for me since I have decided that getting up at 5:00 a.m. is quite literally for the birds. So I set my TV on the Bryan Channel and enjoy that last hour of semi consciousness.

Then this morning happened.

I woke up to "Marriage Under Construction" instead of Bryan Baeumler. Talk about disappointment. I was still fast asleep but the voice in my head was not Bryan. It was someone I didn't know or care about. Blech! Give a girl a break!! Where was Bryan?? Then I remembered. He was going to be delayed by an hour.

I felt like such a rebel. By this time, both cats were snoozing on the bottom half of my bed (I get the top half, they get the bottom half - it is a good system) and I didn't want to disturb their slumber. So I endured this annoying couple I didn't know or care about and stayed in bed an extra half hour so I could hear Bryan speaking to me in my dreams from 6:00 to 6:30.

So my morning got off to a late start but I made up for it by taking a few short cuts. I don't know if I can get away with this on a regular basis.

It is going to be a long, long winter. I barely got used to our shrinking daylight hours. Now this!?! How much more can a person endure?!

Invite Them and They Will Come

The words "a year ago today" often ring through my mind as anniversaries of dates I remember pass me by.

One year ago today, I woke up to one of the most exhilarating days I have ever known. It was a day which was a culmination of six years worth of memories.

It's funny I now smile at the memories and relationships forged during those years. At the time I was living those years out, most of my time was spent "beating myself up" over not completing our family's book of memories, putting a cover on it and distributing it to those who were interested.

I set the bar so high for myself, I knew I could never attain what I was after. So I sat and did nothing with a lot of those memories for a lot of the time. I was setting myself up for failure.

In hindsight, I can see there simply could not have been a better time to release those words and hand them out to our family. I would never have believed it, if someone had told me "there would be a better time" halfway through my journey. 

I set a date, a place and a time for our family to congregate in a stress-free, worry-free environment. We stayed at Cedar Lodge, where accommodations, meals and beverages were part of the package price. There was room for visiting, for the kids to play and for people to spread out, mingle and even just sit back and take in the view.

It was an extravagant idea and I honestly thought only a handful of people would be interested in coming. As it turned out, almost seventy family members chose to attend this little event I created in my mind eight months prior.

Yes, one quiet Sunday as I sat still in my little room-with-a-door, nestled in among five years worth of memory collecting, with a family who I had come to know within my heart and soul, there was a little voice which whispered "If you invite them, they will come..."

I needed something to push me to complete our family book project. I needed a date. One week, to the day, after I sent out the email to our family we had our accommodations booked, the deposit was made and we were committed. 

I had the date, place and time I needed. All I had to do was "write a book" as we awaited our date.

Well, as they say, the rest is history. The weekend will go down in my own personal history as one of the highlights of my life. I completed what I started. I fulfilled a dream of getting to know Dad's brothers. This courage was fuelled by compiling my mom's family's memories (and getting to know her sisters so much better in the process of doing so), putting a cover on them and "calling it a book" the year prior to starting Dad's book.

It took me almost fifty four years to get there, but I finally came to believe that I actually belonged to this family of mine. I found my roots. The culmination of those years was wrapped up in that room, that weekend and that book. I was entrenched in memories, stories, emotions and a sense of belonging. It was intoxicating.

I felt I had found my purpose to living my life. I was a part of a whole. I added something of value to our family unit. I found myself, my roots and my sense of purpose along the way.

It is hard to come down from a cloud so high. So I stayed and floated for a while. As I wafted, life continued to go on. 

My uncle, who was instrumental in helping me compile the memories for our book, was going through a lot at the time our family was reunioning. It has taken the better part of the past year for him to regain his own sense of himself, belonging and just putting one foot in front of the other and moving on. I mailed him his copy of our book so he would be the first person in our family to hold our treasure. I did so, believing he would be able to attend our reunion a few days later. But I mailed it off anyway. It was crucial to me that he was the first person to hold our book in his hands. I am so glad I followed through with what my instincts told me to do.

My uncle tells me he held onto that book and carried it with him through those impossibly hard days, weeks and months that followed. When the ground beneath his feet was shaking, unsteady and not solid enough to hold the weight of all he was carrying, he could literally hold his family in hands.

As my uncle healed, other family members faced their own challenges. My mind wanders to the battles one cousin is still battling, the loss of another cousin's child and the battles that were won along the way. It is a blessing to care so much that you can feel the pain in your own heart when another person is suffering.

We had a fun-filled and joyous reunion this past summer. We met again at a funeral last weekend. It is so much better to gather for no reason than it is to attend a funeral. The family ties which were forged at a time while we were collecting, making memories and reunioning made it feel easier to support a family member in their time of great loss.

It is harder to live a year like the past year I have lived. I have lost my sense of purpose and belonging. I feel like I'm still wafting on that cloud and unsure where to land. I've lost my drive, my focus and sense of self. 

Yet when I look back on this past year I feel the quiet and almost invisible thread which has tied me to family, my roots and the essence of who I am. I am more comfortable with a quiet presence. It is who I am.

I am feeling lost and weary. I don't have the energy (or courage) to set a date, a place and a time these days. I don't have a dream or a purpose right now. I'm still wafting. One year later...