Integrity

A quote from Mom's family history book:

"Grandma’s integrity was unshakeable. There are some things that are best taught by example and Grandma lived what she taught. A gentleman was travelling through the area and asked if he could leave a suitcase at their place and he would pick it up when he came back that way. Twenty or thirty years later, he still hadn’t returned for his suitcase. Curiosity may have gotten the best of most of us, but Grandma never once would think of looking inside the suitcase." 

I searched Dad's family history document and the word integrity came up often - as Dad's brother's described their father and many of my cousins used "integrity" when encapsulating their father's (Dad's brothers) traits. My own description of Dad was this:

"I will never forget the kindness in Dad’s eyes, his willingness to take people at face value, judge them only according to how they treated him, his strong work ethic and the honesty and integrity he modeled."

Integrity. Of all the family traits I hope to have acquired, integrity tops my list. I hope it isn't just a word. I hope it is a story of the way I lived my life. 

Of all the compliments I could ever hear, the one that holds the greatest weight is hearing the words, in some capacity: "I know I can trust you with this ..."

If one thing can bring me to my knees, it is to be to be accused of betraying a confidence. It has been done. For this I am sorry beyond words.

Integrity is a character trait I can aspire to live and breathe. Hard working however? That is a family trait I hold in high esteem but I could never hold a candle to those who walk that walk. 

The Best Things in Life

Am I the only person on earth who is frustrated with pens that don't write?

I'll be writing along my merry way and the pen stops writing. I'll scribble on a piece of paper to get it working again. I'm off and writing for a while and it quits again. And again and again. I have recently discovered if I write on the side of the nib of the pen this works too. I've tried it all.

Even my favorite pens stopped writing reliably so I contacted the company. They sent me replacements. They weren't much better. I tried a different pen. No luck. I contacted the pen distributor. They sent me replacements. They were not an improvement.

Then I had some plumbing done. My plumber left a complimentary pen. I was so excited, he left several extra. These pens are amazing. They don't do anything other than write. But they write!! Where and whenever I want them to write, they actually work!

Unfortunately pens don't last forever. Two of them are on their last legs. Have you ever dropped a pen and bent the nib? I have. There is a first for everything. Bent pen nibs don't write well.

In the meantime, I have re-discovered an invention they stumbled upon long before I was born. Pencils. Plain, ordinary pencils. Not the new fangled click for-more-lead pencils. Real, live, need-to-be-sharpened pencils. They are amazing.

Pencils work. All the time. Yes, the lead wears down or breaks. But they also invented pencil sharpeners (I made the wise investment of a battery operated sharpener and it is my second favorite office tool, after the pencil itself).

I make mistakes. A lot of mistakes. Add an eraser to the pencil supply kit and you are good to go. Not all erasers are created equal. Make sure you invest in a good one. 

I do believe I heard somewhere along the way that NASA researchers worked diligently to invent a pen that would write in all conditions - upside down, in outer space, you name it. After all the research, you know what they discovered? Yep, you got it. Pencils.

Before I rediscovered the pencil, I was seriously considering getting some more plumbing done. Just for the pen. 

Yesterday's message was "the best things in life are free". Today's message is "some of the best things in life are the simplest of things". Just look around at what you already have and prepare to be amazed.

Cat Lessons

When life hands you a box, jump in it.

Truly, the best things in life are free. 

The Months of "No"

Shonda Rhimes' book "Year of Yes" was an inspiration to me. Her book was a testament to her year of "Yes" and the impact accepting life's invitations had on her life. 

I have tried the "Yes" way of life. It is fine. It has led me to places I would have never been before. It is both exhilarating and exhausting. It is hard. It is expensive. It goes against my naturally inherent introvert tendencies. The word "yes" depletes me as much as it enriches my life at times.

I have come to like the "easy yeses" instead.

I tried to come up with a list of "easy yeses" and my thought well ran dry. "Yes" does not come easy to me right now. I have been reveling in the COVID months of "No".

"No thank you" is my favorite go-to-response at the moment. 

As our world is gradually reopening there is a huge part of me that is screaming, "I'M NOT READY YET!!"

When I quizzed someone of the protocol about going out of province or whether having out of province guests would interfere with the ability to enter a retirement/senior living complex, they had to consult their books and came up with the response "As long as you aren't showing symptoms of COVID-19, you would be allowed access". My response to this was "Isn't it too late by then?" We both nodded our heads in agreement that the biggest risk was in spreading the virus while not showing symptoms. 

Due to the regular contact I have with my senior friends, I continue to be vigilant in my isolated little world. I don't get sick. Thus, I fear I could unknowingly spread a contagion to those who could be at risk. I continue to find reasons to say "No" to the invitations that are ever so slowly starting to reappear.

Where does paranoia start to overlap with common sense when it comes to the Coronavirus? Is my natural tendency to want to decline invitations being enabled by being able to label an excuse on it?

The reason I believe I am falling back on common sense is when it comes to invitations from family. It doesn't matter how depleted I feel, I equate interaction with my siblings to oxygen-for-my-soul. The answer is always, always, always "Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!".

This virus has beaten me down to a point where "No" is comfortable, safe, familiar, affordable and exactly where I most want to be.

I love the comfort weekends bring even more than I did during the B.C. (before COVID) days. I love parking the car Friday night and not starting it up again until I go to my aunt's on Monday.

I love, love, love working from home. I'm still having a little bit of trouble establishing boundaries but for the most part, my office-with-a-door offers most of the separation I need to keep work from infiltrating other areas of this oasis I call home.

I love the world of ordering online, free delivery or curbside pick-up. My heart clenches just a little before I enter a store-with-a-door. 

When I sat down with the words "the months of 'no' " at the tip of my fingertips this morning, my intent was to write of the lightness of heart I feel at living safely within the rules of isolation. Instead, the gravity of truth seeped out.

COVID-19, I truly appreciate the clarity, the isolation and lessons you have brought into our world. Personally, I am fortunate to say I have gained much more than I have lost though I know that is not the case for everyone. 

These months of "no" have been a holiday from life-as-I-know-it. It has been a reprieve from expectations. I know I must dip my toe back in the water and tentatively re-instate cautious "yeses" back into my world. The words "I'm not ready yet" have not yet been silenced. Perhaps there is a reason for that. Or maybe it is just an excuse.

One step in a forward direction, one step, one day at a time. Will take us where we need to go.

What Would You Do If You Were Retired?

Retirement is a hot topic of conversation between my aunt and me. I'm just a little older than her oldest child. He retired a few years ago. This triggers many conversations.

Q - Why aren't you retired?

A - I didn't plan well enough.

Q - How did my son retire then?

A - He stayed at the same job throughout his career. I quit my job with benefits and became a daycare provider with no benefits and no pension.

Q - Why didn't you just keep on putting money aside then?

A - I was just managing to pay the bills. There was not enough left over.

Q - How long are you going to work?

A - Until I'm at least 65 unless my job situation is taken out of my hands. 

Q - Why don't you retire now?

A - What in the world would I do with my time? I may as well work.

Q - What do you do with your time now?

A - I waste time like nobody's business. I hate to think what I would do if I didn't have to work.

Q - But what do you DO?

A - I do puzzles, I read, I write, I do my banking and play with my finances, I follow where my curiosity leads and lose track of time.

Q - What's wrong with that? 

A - Hmmmm .....

I have spent the past few mornings lost in the questions:

Q - How much has accepting and issuing life's invitations cost me the past few years?

A - Last year - about $3,000; the year before that (a year where I issued as many invitations as I accepted) - closer to $5,000

Revelation - The word "yes" is expensive

Q - Could I afford to retire if the bottom fell out of my employment income?

A - No

Q - Where did my inheritance go?

A - It went exactly where it needed to go. No regrets. But I'm still not quite set up to retire.

Q - What WOULD I do if I was retired?

A - I have sooooo many things I would like to do around here. First, I would sort through paperwork, memories and pictures. 

When I felt I had some semblance of order in all of the above, I would sit down with my letters to Mom and her letters to me. I would sort them into date and conversational order. I would cull the highlights and create a collage of "Dear Mom" letters and Mom's responses. 

What would I do if I was retired? I believe I would sit still with what I have and create order out of the papers, memories, pictures and letters I have collected.

Back to my aunt's question:

Q - What's wrong with that? 

A - Hmmmm .....

Revelation: I am grateful for the repetitive nature of our conversations. It reminds me to remember what I have is good and maybe wasting time like nobody's business today means I am planting seeds for tomorrow.

What seeds are you unknowingly planting today? What small, repetitive actions/conversations/thoughts are reminding you to think and rethink your fate? What question triggers your curiosity and subconsciously sets your thoughts in motion? 

Lose yourself in those thoughts and see where they take you. 

Do What You Can

"Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can" 

~ Arthur Ashe

Two Mondays in one week is one Monday too many.

Start where you are. 

I am sitting in a Thursday that feels like a Monday with the bonus of a weekend right around the corner. 

I will just go forward from here (what choice do I have?).

Use what you have. 

One more cup of coffee and I'll be good to go.

Do what you can.

I will do my best to get the job at hand done today so I can put it behind me for another year.

I know these words are so much deeper than this. But for today? This is enough.

Just go do what you can today. 

The Timid Peony

I am not a big fan of yard maintenance. I keep things simple. Grass and cement. Amen. No flower beds, flower pots, hanging flowers. None of that is for me.

My rationale is this: why in the world I spend money on something that is just going to die after nurturing, watering and caring for it all summer? Why would I pay good money to add one more thing to my to-do list?

I'm not saying I don't like flowers. I enjoy my neighbor's flowers and I am delighted when I come upon a flower growing in nature. They simply don't belong in my yard.

A peony bush came with our house. It is the plant that doesn't die. I've had at least two people ask to take a cutting from it (I don't speak "flowers" so I'm not sure if that is the right terminology) and I quickly agreed. Yes! Yes! Yes! Neither came back for their piece of this overgrown bush.

So our peony bush grows bigger by the year. Nature is predictable. Whenever this bush is in full bloom we end up with a rain that results in this:

Depending on my grumpiness factor, I have on occasion, cut all of the buds off before the peony bloomed just to save it from this tragic fate. Besides, it is less messy to clip the buds and they take up much less space in the garbage. I was waivering back and forth this year. I really felt like nipping the job in the bud but I had just confessed my grumpy-peony-story to a few people so I didn't want to be predictable.

It was as though our peony bush could sense its fate. While our next door neighbor's peony bush was in full bloom a week ago, ours delayed its debut. If a peony bush had personality, I would say it was timid. The buds were there but opened ever so slowly and lots of them were holding back.

They must have all burst into bloom at the same time yesterday. I came home from work, noticed the bush and anticipated the bloom clipping job ahead. Then I woke up to this peony catastrophe this morning.

I like flowers. I just don't want to own them.