Snippet from a conversation with Mom on Sunday:
Mom: You sound good ...
Me: Yes. I am. I'm busy.
Mom: (something like) ... busy is good.
Me: Yes, but it feels like I've gone from 'Zero to Sixty' in the blink of an eye ...
As I told my Middle Son about this conversation later, I added:
Me: ...but I'd rather go 'forty'
Middle Son: No. Sixty is good!
I thought about this five second conversation with my son (he is definitely exceeding the speed limit these days as work on the basement for their new home has been in the works for the past few weekends), and I thought to myself - he is right. 'Sixty' is good.
It is just when I speed up to a hundred to fit in the good stuff, that I feel just a little busier than I would like to be. But the good things in life are worth the speeding ticket.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
It Isn't Just About the Toys ... It Is About the Future
I have been investing in my daycare's future lately. A few weekends ago, I bought a few 'trunk-loads' of toys from Value Village to add a new educational and imaginative dimension to our daycare world. Last weekend, I bought a Little Tykes kitchen and a LeapPad2 for my daycare family business.
I didn't realize it until after the fact, but the first time I ran my daycare business I was pretty much at the same point (six months in), when I took the plunge and purchased the playground equipment for the back yard. That may have been a larger investment (dollar-wise), but the significance in my mind is the same. I am IN. I am ALL in.
The first six months of Daycare - The Sequel didn't go exactly as I had thought it would. I thought that the phone would keep ringing until we had filled the house with kids of all ages. That wasn't the way it happened ... but I am beginning to think that this way is better.
I love the fact that my two, 1-year-olds are the same age. They will reach that magical age of 2 1/2 at the same time, which will allow me to take in two more children that are one year old. And if I am lucky ... very, very lucky ... maybe I will find another one-year-old duo that can grow up together like my two little one-year-old girls. Then? If everyone else continues to come here, we will have a perfect little 'family' of five preschoolers.
My two-year-old, being the kind of personality he is, simply makes a friend of anyone and everyone. I think that we needed his special brand of personality here, to make all of this come together in one cohesive unit.
I have started to recreate the parts of my Daycare - Part One that worked, while moving into Daycare - The Sequel with many lessons learned inside and outside of my previous daycare experience.
I have a renewed appreciation for the little things. We created a 'snow maze' out of the massive amount of virgin snow in the front yard. I found an old computer game for toddlers, that will teach my two-year-old how to use the computer mouse which will open up all kinds of doors for him.
I sit and marvel at how My Youngest enjoys this young daycare family. Time and time again he tells me of the many memories that resurface as he explores the new/old toys that we bring into play here.
As it was with my Daycare - Part One, just as I was truly questioning the financial viability of running my daycare with half of the children that I had hoped to have, I was approached with the opportunity to take advantage of other income earning options during this dry spell.
The universe is allowing me to continue with my venture. Things are unfolding differently than I had hoped but better than I could have ever expected.
I didn't realize it until after the fact, but the first time I ran my daycare business I was pretty much at the same point (six months in), when I took the plunge and purchased the playground equipment for the back yard. That may have been a larger investment (dollar-wise), but the significance in my mind is the same. I am IN. I am ALL in.The first six months of Daycare - The Sequel didn't go exactly as I had thought it would. I thought that the phone would keep ringing until we had filled the house with kids of all ages. That wasn't the way it happened ... but I am beginning to think that this way is better.
I love the fact that my two, 1-year-olds are the same age. They will reach that magical age of 2 1/2 at the same time, which will allow me to take in two more children that are one year old. And if I am lucky ... very, very lucky ... maybe I will find another one-year-old duo that can grow up together like my two little one-year-old girls. Then? If everyone else continues to come here, we will have a perfect little 'family' of five preschoolers.
My two-year-old, being the kind of personality he is, simply makes a friend of anyone and everyone. I think that we needed his special brand of personality here, to make all of this come together in one cohesive unit.
I have started to recreate the parts of my Daycare - Part One that worked, while moving into Daycare - The Sequel with many lessons learned inside and outside of my previous daycare experience.
I have a renewed appreciation for the little things. We created a 'snow maze' out of the massive amount of virgin snow in the front yard. I found an old computer game for toddlers, that will teach my two-year-old how to use the computer mouse which will open up all kinds of doors for him. I sit and marvel at how My Youngest enjoys this young daycare family. Time and time again he tells me of the many memories that resurface as he explores the new/old toys that we bring into play here.
As it was with my Daycare - Part One, just as I was truly questioning the financial viability of running my daycare with half of the children that I had hoped to have, I was approached with the opportunity to take advantage of other income earning options during this dry spell.
The universe is allowing me to continue with my venture. Things are unfolding differently than I had hoped but better than I could have ever expected.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Sometimes ... I Think That I Think Too Much
"You are thinking too much" is a comment that I have heard a number of times from my dance instructor, as I seem to forget how to follow his lead. It never fails. When I go back to listening to the music and the basic "slow, slow, quick, quick" (or whatever combination of slows and quicks to make up the steps of the dance), my job is very simple. If I relax, move my feet, listen to the music and don't over think it ... his subtle lead takes me where I need to go.
I am an over thinker by nature. I can talk myself out of most anything ... if I sit still too long with my thoughts and think too hard.
I can feel the difference in me when I fret and stew over something that (in the whole scheme of things) really doesn't matter. The fist-in-chest sensation is my first clue. The longer I think, the more anxious I get. The more anxious I feel, the more I fear making a move. That state of indecisiveness creates feelings of inadequacy. It is a place I know well.
Then came the years of simply following my whims. If I thought it, I said it out loud. I made moves to follow through on my whimsical ideas and they were the best years of my life.
Life is cyclical. The good years were followed by years of change. I followed through on some 'great ideas' that upended life-as-I-knew-it and I found myself in a foreign new land. A land where I didn't know the rules and my instincts were not keen. I lost my confidence and started thinking too hard.
It is hard to separate your worlds when your life is out of balance. Upending my work world played havoc on my contentment within my home and heart. I was fearful to step out of my safety zone and cowered inside, under the security blanket of my home. I was thinking too much. It was exhausting. So I slept.
This fall was the beginning of a great transition for me. I followed my heart (and a suggestion from a friend who has known me all of my adult life) and reopened my daycare. I took back my life and dusted off the enthusiasm that I had when I knew that I did not want to go back to working outside my home after My Youngest was born. I would do whatever it took to make this work.
I started saying "yes" to opportunities that opened doors to earning extra income and fulfilling different parts of me that needed filling up.
It happened when I wasn't even paying attention. I didn't think too hard. I just relaxed and listened to the beat of my own heart. The soundtrack of my life is leading me where I need to go. All I have to do is follow the subtle lead of where life is taking me and I will be back dancing to the beat of my own heart again.
Just for today ... don't over think your life. Relax. Dance to the beat of your heart and let it take you where you most need to be. Life's leads are subtle. You can't feel them if you think too hard. Listen. The answers are within you. Believe in them.
I am an over thinker by nature. I can talk myself out of most anything ... if I sit still too long with my thoughts and think too hard.
I can feel the difference in me when I fret and stew over something that (in the whole scheme of things) really doesn't matter. The fist-in-chest sensation is my first clue. The longer I think, the more anxious I get. The more anxious I feel, the more I fear making a move. That state of indecisiveness creates feelings of inadequacy. It is a place I know well.
Then came the years of simply following my whims. If I thought it, I said it out loud. I made moves to follow through on my whimsical ideas and they were the best years of my life.
Life is cyclical. The good years were followed by years of change. I followed through on some 'great ideas' that upended life-as-I-knew-it and I found myself in a foreign new land. A land where I didn't know the rules and my instincts were not keen. I lost my confidence and started thinking too hard.
It is hard to separate your worlds when your life is out of balance. Upending my work world played havoc on my contentment within my home and heart. I was fearful to step out of my safety zone and cowered inside, under the security blanket of my home. I was thinking too much. It was exhausting. So I slept.
This fall was the beginning of a great transition for me. I followed my heart (and a suggestion from a friend who has known me all of my adult life) and reopened my daycare. I took back my life and dusted off the enthusiasm that I had when I knew that I did not want to go back to working outside my home after My Youngest was born. I would do whatever it took to make this work.
I started saying "yes" to opportunities that opened doors to earning extra income and fulfilling different parts of me that needed filling up.
It happened when I wasn't even paying attention. I didn't think too hard. I just relaxed and listened to the beat of my own heart. The soundtrack of my life is leading me where I need to go. All I have to do is follow the subtle lead of where life is taking me and I will be back dancing to the beat of my own heart again.
Just for today ... don't over think your life. Relax. Dance to the beat of your heart and let it take you where you most need to be. Life's leads are subtle. You can't feel them if you think too hard. Listen. The answers are within you. Believe in them.
Monday, February 25, 2013
The Right Kind of Busy
I lost my train of thought this morning. A blog post was starting to formulate in my mind ... then a stray thought must have distracted me. Because it is gone. It popped like a bubble and has vanished.
I had a most marvelous weekend. I was the 'right kind of busy'.
I had two must-do-items on my list for Saturday. I had to deliver papers and I had plans with friends for the evening. Anything else was optional. But do you know what? When an option is placed before you within a nicely defined amount of time ... it starts to feel like a game.
It was a day that I was where I needed to be when the phone rang. I would pop into the house 'for a minute' and throw clothes into the dryer one time and fold them the next. I would turn on the dishwasher one time and empty it the next. My machines did all of my work for me in my absence. I simply had to be there at the end of the cycles to finish the job. Each delay in the house meant that I was home when a friend called.
In my rush out of the driveway, I didn't look carefully for pedestrians approaching before I backed up the car. Luckily the pedestrian (my neighbor) saw me coming and paused for me to pass, as I had quite obviously not seen him coming. I went to the grocery store and minutes later, I was the pedestrian who noticed the vehicle backing up and dodged out of the way. That is how quickly life can change. Someone not paying attention could change your destiny. Thankfully, in both cases one of the parties was alert and dodged a moving vehicle. Thank you for that ....
I had to work at my bookkeeping job on Sunday. I had a list of things that I hoped to do before I left the house. My goal was to be walking out the door at 11:30. I succeeded. The only thing that I forgot to do was to eat. Or to grab some food to eat on the way to my destination. I would be working in a small office with my boss and my stomach growls very loudly when it's hungry so I decided that I must stop somewhere along the way to tame that savage beast.
I ended up taking a different route than I normally do and the only drive through restaurant that was on the right hand side of the road was a Tim Hortons. Amazingly enough, there were only a few cars ahead of me and I zipped right through. I had already drank four cups of coffee before I left the house so I did not need any more caffeine in me. But the "Roll up the Rim to Win" contest was on, so I couldn't resist. I bought a small cup. Then gave it to my boss upon my arrival. She was thrilled with my little 'gift'. I realized later, that the cup disappeared and she didn't roll up the rim. So I called her when I got home and told her the story of how everything seemed to point me in the direction of that particular Tim Hortons at that particular time. I felt that cup of coffee was destined to bring good fortune. She had thrown the cup in the garbage so that cup that had our name on it was almost on its way to the dump. She didn't call me back, so I'm guessing she didn't win anything too newsworthy. I hope she won a cup of coffee...
I had time to write this weekend. I sat down in the mornings and let my fingers take me wherever they wanted to go. I wasn't racing against the clock. I wasn't pressured with a deadline to come up with something column-worthy. I just wrote. My fingers haven't cruised over the keyboard with such ease for quite some time. I wasn't making any attempt to quiet the unspoken thoughts in my mind and my fingers had a blast. They took me places that I didn't expect to go. My subconscious mind-to-fingers connection had returned.
Something very good is happening here. It is a combination of many things. I have felt like I have been too busy. But maybe that is because I am comparing it to months (bordering on years?) of being in a couch-vegetating-state. I was doing the bare minimum to keep afloat. That state of inertia (depression?) is a dangerous place to linger for too long. Idleness was not my friend.
I am working. A lot. I am working from home and I am feeling a commitment to myself these days that I have backed up by 'investing' in my own business (my daycare). I have made some purchases lately that mirror the time when I knew that I was jumping in with both feet, the first time that I did this. Things haven't gone exactly the way I thought they would but perhaps in the long term, 'this' way is better.
I have a winning combination of responsibilities and flexibility in my days. I have a predictable Monday - Friday, 7:30 - 5:30 day job. I write and get paid for it! I am flexing my brain muscle with a little bookkeeping on the side. I am flexing my other muscles by delivering flyers and getting paid to exercise. I have the opportunity to work out a mutually beneficial arrangement with a friend and possibly do a little cleaning on the side. I am a viable working commodity these days. And it feels good.
It has been a long time since I have felt free to be me in this space. I didn't like the 'me' that I was, so I could not set my thoughts free. It feels good to be back.
I had a most marvelous weekend. I was the 'right kind of busy'.
I had two must-do-items on my list for Saturday. I had to deliver papers and I had plans with friends for the evening. Anything else was optional. But do you know what? When an option is placed before you within a nicely defined amount of time ... it starts to feel like a game.
It was a day that I was where I needed to be when the phone rang. I would pop into the house 'for a minute' and throw clothes into the dryer one time and fold them the next. I would turn on the dishwasher one time and empty it the next. My machines did all of my work for me in my absence. I simply had to be there at the end of the cycles to finish the job. Each delay in the house meant that I was home when a friend called.
In my rush out of the driveway, I didn't look carefully for pedestrians approaching before I backed up the car. Luckily the pedestrian (my neighbor) saw me coming and paused for me to pass, as I had quite obviously not seen him coming. I went to the grocery store and minutes later, I was the pedestrian who noticed the vehicle backing up and dodged out of the way. That is how quickly life can change. Someone not paying attention could change your destiny. Thankfully, in both cases one of the parties was alert and dodged a moving vehicle. Thank you for that ....
I had to work at my bookkeeping job on Sunday. I had a list of things that I hoped to do before I left the house. My goal was to be walking out the door at 11:30. I succeeded. The only thing that I forgot to do was to eat. Or to grab some food to eat on the way to my destination. I would be working in a small office with my boss and my stomach growls very loudly when it's hungry so I decided that I must stop somewhere along the way to tame that savage beast.
I ended up taking a different route than I normally do and the only drive through restaurant that was on the right hand side of the road was a Tim Hortons. Amazingly enough, there were only a few cars ahead of me and I zipped right through. I had already drank four cups of coffee before I left the house so I did not need any more caffeine in me. But the "Roll up the Rim to Win" contest was on, so I couldn't resist. I bought a small cup. Then gave it to my boss upon my arrival. She was thrilled with my little 'gift'. I realized later, that the cup disappeared and she didn't roll up the rim. So I called her when I got home and told her the story of how everything seemed to point me in the direction of that particular Tim Hortons at that particular time. I felt that cup of coffee was destined to bring good fortune. She had thrown the cup in the garbage so that cup that had our name on it was almost on its way to the dump. She didn't call me back, so I'm guessing she didn't win anything too newsworthy. I hope she won a cup of coffee...
I had time to write this weekend. I sat down in the mornings and let my fingers take me wherever they wanted to go. I wasn't racing against the clock. I wasn't pressured with a deadline to come up with something column-worthy. I just wrote. My fingers haven't cruised over the keyboard with such ease for quite some time. I wasn't making any attempt to quiet the unspoken thoughts in my mind and my fingers had a blast. They took me places that I didn't expect to go. My subconscious mind-to-fingers connection had returned.
Something very good is happening here. It is a combination of many things. I have felt like I have been too busy. But maybe that is because I am comparing it to months (bordering on years?) of being in a couch-vegetating-state. I was doing the bare minimum to keep afloat. That state of inertia (depression?) is a dangerous place to linger for too long. Idleness was not my friend.
I am working. A lot. I am working from home and I am feeling a commitment to myself these days that I have backed up by 'investing' in my own business (my daycare). I have made some purchases lately that mirror the time when I knew that I was jumping in with both feet, the first time that I did this. Things haven't gone exactly the way I thought they would but perhaps in the long term, 'this' way is better.
I have a winning combination of responsibilities and flexibility in my days. I have a predictable Monday - Friday, 7:30 - 5:30 day job. I write and get paid for it! I am flexing my brain muscle with a little bookkeeping on the side. I am flexing my other muscles by delivering flyers and getting paid to exercise. I have the opportunity to work out a mutually beneficial arrangement with a friend and possibly do a little cleaning on the side. I am a viable working commodity these days. And it feels good.
It has been a long time since I have felt free to be me in this space. I didn't like the 'me' that I was, so I could not set my thoughts free. It feels good to be back.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
New Experiences
I honestly had no real concept of what I 'signed myself up for' last night. No, it was nothing too frightening or scary. Simply something new-to-me.
I don't often do 'new'. I go to the same restaurants and order the same food. All of the time. When we go away for a vacation, I am thrilled from the inside out when I discover a McDonald's and a Tim Hortons in the neighborhood. Whenever I enter a whole new world, I am looking for all that is familiar to me.
I take the same route wherever I go. Once and a while I decide to 'shake it up' a little and find a more scenic route home. Then that becomes my new norm. The same tried and true route going to my destination. The same scenic route on my way home.
Entertainment for me is dinner and a movie. Or going out for a meal. Or going out for coffee. Or getting together with friends. When a friend suggests we try to add a new dimension to our tried and true recipe, part of me is wanting to just sit still and enjoy the company and forget about the 'doing' part. But every single time we do something, it adds a wonderful new dimension to the same familiar routines.
Last night, I was invited to go to a 'House Concert' with a few friends. I had no idea what that meant other than being told that it was held in the garage in the host's back yard. I knew that the 'garage' had been used for holding training seminars prior to this so I was not expecting to sit in a rustic garage like mine. But that was about all I knew to expect.
I was told that this couple put on these 'house concerts' for artists that played to a smaller venue. I was told who would be performing but I didn't google (nor did I really even know that this performer would be googleable) him in advance.
So I sat down in this meticulously clean, bright, candlelit and finished garage (that someone could easily live in, other than the fact that there wasn't a washroom in the building). There was a nook for our pot luck refreshments and there was seating for at least 51 people (I tried counting - I could be wrong). We arrived early and got to pick the best (most comfortable) seats in the house.
Then the show began.
Our hosts were so very personable. A husband/wife duo that complimented each other and set the tone for the evening ahead. We were laughing from the onset.
Then our performers made their entrance and once again, we were laughing and enjoying the personalities of our entertainers as they segued their way into our evening's entertainment.
The music was absolutely delightful. Watching the songwriter perform to the beat of his own keyboard (while accompanied with a back-up singer that just happened to be his sister), you could feel the pulse of the music in your heart. To watch someone perform their art in such an up close and personal way, in such a small venue ... far exceeded any huge concert experience I have ever seen (not that I have much experience in that - the large concert scene is not for me).
The audience is so personable. I sat next to someone I had never seen before in my life and I could feel their eyes upon me when I laughed and conversation was easy when the intermission arrived. How can it be anything else when you share an experience that you can feel in your bones long after the music has stopped?
The artist was Jeffery Straker. His website is: http://jeffstraker.com/ . Click on some of his music. I don't know if you had to 'be there' to feel what I feel when I listen to his voice. And the keyboard ... oh, the keyboard! I love that not only do I have a face to put to the music, I have the 'intimate experience' of a house concert to enhance the flavor of his songwriting, singing and performing abilities. Plus? He made me laugh. I love to laugh. I love music. I love when I get so wrapped up in a moment that I am in awe of the talent that it takes to take a passion and put it all together in the form of an art. It was a combination of everything that makes my heart sing. Plus! I was sharing the experience with friends ...
Music brings the world together in harmony. Last night, within the confines of a garage (that could have just as easily been a living room), I experienced my first House Concert. The outside world ceased to exist. I was transported to a place where peace, harmony, goodwill and laughter reigned.
If someone invites you to experience something new, go for it! If you are brave (or lazy, like I was), go into it knowing absolutely nothing at all. Let yourself experience it like a newborn baby experiences the world.
We know and have the ability to find out almost anything we want to know about in this world of ours. It is a rare treat to experience something completely fresh and brand new, with little to taint your idea of what it could be.
I don't often do 'new'. I go to the same restaurants and order the same food. All of the time. When we go away for a vacation, I am thrilled from the inside out when I discover a McDonald's and a Tim Hortons in the neighborhood. Whenever I enter a whole new world, I am looking for all that is familiar to me.
I take the same route wherever I go. Once and a while I decide to 'shake it up' a little and find a more scenic route home. Then that becomes my new norm. The same tried and true route going to my destination. The same scenic route on my way home.
Entertainment for me is dinner and a movie. Or going out for a meal. Or going out for coffee. Or getting together with friends. When a friend suggests we try to add a new dimension to our tried and true recipe, part of me is wanting to just sit still and enjoy the company and forget about the 'doing' part. But every single time we do something, it adds a wonderful new dimension to the same familiar routines.
Last night, I was invited to go to a 'House Concert' with a few friends. I had no idea what that meant other than being told that it was held in the garage in the host's back yard. I knew that the 'garage' had been used for holding training seminars prior to this so I was not expecting to sit in a rustic garage like mine. But that was about all I knew to expect.
I was told that this couple put on these 'house concerts' for artists that played to a smaller venue. I was told who would be performing but I didn't google (nor did I really even know that this performer would be googleable) him in advance.
So I sat down in this meticulously clean, bright, candlelit and finished garage (that someone could easily live in, other than the fact that there wasn't a washroom in the building). There was a nook for our pot luck refreshments and there was seating for at least 51 people (I tried counting - I could be wrong). We arrived early and got to pick the best (most comfortable) seats in the house.
Then the show began.
Our hosts were so very personable. A husband/wife duo that complimented each other and set the tone for the evening ahead. We were laughing from the onset.
Then our performers made their entrance and once again, we were laughing and enjoying the personalities of our entertainers as they segued their way into our evening's entertainment.
The music was absolutely delightful. Watching the songwriter perform to the beat of his own keyboard (while accompanied with a back-up singer that just happened to be his sister), you could feel the pulse of the music in your heart. To watch someone perform their art in such an up close and personal way, in such a small venue ... far exceeded any huge concert experience I have ever seen (not that I have much experience in that - the large concert scene is not for me).
The audience is so personable. I sat next to someone I had never seen before in my life and I could feel their eyes upon me when I laughed and conversation was easy when the intermission arrived. How can it be anything else when you share an experience that you can feel in your bones long after the music has stopped?
The artist was Jeffery Straker. His website is: http://jeffstraker.com/ . Click on some of his music. I don't know if you had to 'be there' to feel what I feel when I listen to his voice. And the keyboard ... oh, the keyboard! I love that not only do I have a face to put to the music, I have the 'intimate experience' of a house concert to enhance the flavor of his songwriting, singing and performing abilities. Plus? He made me laugh. I love to laugh. I love music. I love when I get so wrapped up in a moment that I am in awe of the talent that it takes to take a passion and put it all together in the form of an art. It was a combination of everything that makes my heart sing. Plus! I was sharing the experience with friends ...
Music brings the world together in harmony. Last night, within the confines of a garage (that could have just as easily been a living room), I experienced my first House Concert. The outside world ceased to exist. I was transported to a place where peace, harmony, goodwill and laughter reigned.
If someone invites you to experience something new, go for it! If you are brave (or lazy, like I was), go into it knowing absolutely nothing at all. Let yourself experience it like a newborn baby experiences the world.
We know and have the ability to find out almost anything we want to know about in this world of ours. It is a rare treat to experience something completely fresh and brand new, with little to taint your idea of what it could be.
"Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed."
~ Unknown
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Where Did the Darkness Go?
It came in like a fog. I can remember a defining moment at the beginning of the darkness. The fog lifted but it never did entirely dissipate. It haunted me.
When life got quiet, the fog enveloped me. I wore it like a cloak and had little desire to peek out from underneath it.
But life doesn't work that way. Not mine. Not most people's. You have to continue on through the drudgery. One day unfolds into the next and even if there is very little distinguishes one day from the next, there are commitments to be met. Bills to be paid. Life goes on. With or without you.
There were days the fog lifted. In fact, I would think that it was gone. But it wasn't. It hovered above me and couldn't wait for those quiet moments to swoop back in and draw me back into the grayness. I liked it there. It was comfortable. I felt safe.
Work. Friends. Family. Responsibilities. Commitments. They wouldn't leave me alone. Life kept pulling at me and kept me from my safe little cocoon. I went through the rigors of life but I could simply not wait for the quietness to return. The desire to crawl back in under my blanket and stay there as long as I could never quite disappeared.
That fog stole so much from me. My confidence. My enthusiasm. My creativity. My joy. It was gone. I tried to fake it 'til I made it. But faking it takes an enormous amount of energy. It wore me out. I kept up appearances but it was exhausting.
I let it out in little bits and spurts. A comment here. A blog post there. Not much. I would not allow myself to be negative unless I balanced it with positive. For as much as I let out, I masked the darkness of my reality.
I felt it in my heart. Right at the core of my being. Fear. Apprehension. Exhaustion. An eternal feeling of being overwhelmed.
This was a crazy time to change career directions. But I did it. I desperately needed to succeed at something to start redefining myself and dig myself out of the hole I had fallen into. I had a very high success rate that was offset by devastating blows to my self esteem during this time.
What do they say about needing to hear ten positive things to offset one negative (maybe 'they' don't say that - I tried googling that information to see if my memory was keen and all I found was wikipedia's definition of 'Negativity bias')? 'They' were wrong. I let three circumstances (all work related) define me. I was surrounded by positive people, I found support from co-workers that was encouraging and appreciative. Family, friends and strangers were everything I needed them to be. But I had fallen into a hole of darkness and I needed to build myself up before I could climb out. No one else could do it for me.
When did the tides change? Sometime around the time I wrote 'A Work in Progress'. I set it free when I unleashed my honest feelings. I opened the door and let in the light. From the moment the words fell out of my fingertips that January morning ... I started to feel lighter. The fog started to lift and did not fall back down on me the moment I sat still.
I cannot define the exact formula for 'what worked for me'. I started focusing on gratitude more. I started reaching out more. I started reformulating my self worth from 'where I was at' verses 'where I had been'. I was honest with myself and put a voice to it. I researched depression and took heart at the words that spoke to me about my personal situation.
'Low grade depression' defined where I had spent the better part of the past several years. I found myself within that definition. I just (now) googled the words to try and find the reference that (I believe) turned the tides for me. I didn't find the original article I read, but this is what my google search found for me to start the search:
So ... the relationship broke up. There was no need for the birth control any more so I stopped taking it. I fell into a deep abyss during that time, but eventually I found my way out. I reinvented myself, fell in love with my life, started making 'courageous' goals ... all at the same time that my hormones were gradually falling back into what they were before this medically induced menopause took over my life.
Finally! It all started to make sense to me. It wasn't all my fault. Something hormonal was at play ... and as much as I have never been one to blame PMS and hormones on the ebbs and flows of my coping abilities, I had to admit that the evidence was hard to ignore. The parallels between how I felt when I was in a medically induced menopausal state and the way that I was coping were pretty much identical. And I have reached 'that age' where menopause is right around one of those corners. Different triggers ... but my internal state of darkness was eerily familiar.
I followed the advice of the article that I read "Depression in Women" and talked openly about what I was feeling. I followed through on social activities (even though I didn't feel like it). I tried to focus on getting outside and get moving. I tried to regulate my sleeping hours so that I wasn't sleeping my life away. I have (for the most part) been succeeding in accomplishing some or part of these goals. And it is making a difference.
I think I am one of the lucky ones. When I went to Dr. Google and self diagnosed myself with the information that was available at my fingertips, I found that my symptoms were manageable. To me. Others have different symptoms, support systems, personal history and a myriad of other factors that make their answers different for them.
Depression hurts. It hurts from the inside. No one knows how bad it feels except for you. If you are hurting ... seek your answers. Life can feel better than it feels when you are cloaked in this invisible darkness that no one else sees or knows you are living with.
Open the door and let in some light. Don't feel like you need to do this alone. You are worth it. You deserve inner happiness and contentment. Whatever you do ... don't give up. Please.
When life got quiet, the fog enveloped me. I wore it like a cloak and had little desire to peek out from underneath it.
But life doesn't work that way. Not mine. Not most people's. You have to continue on through the drudgery. One day unfolds into the next and even if there is very little distinguishes one day from the next, there are commitments to be met. Bills to be paid. Life goes on. With or without you.
There were days the fog lifted. In fact, I would think that it was gone. But it wasn't. It hovered above me and couldn't wait for those quiet moments to swoop back in and draw me back into the grayness. I liked it there. It was comfortable. I felt safe.
Work. Friends. Family. Responsibilities. Commitments. They wouldn't leave me alone. Life kept pulling at me and kept me from my safe little cocoon. I went through the rigors of life but I could simply not wait for the quietness to return. The desire to crawl back in under my blanket and stay there as long as I could never quite disappeared.
That fog stole so much from me. My confidence. My enthusiasm. My creativity. My joy. It was gone. I tried to fake it 'til I made it. But faking it takes an enormous amount of energy. It wore me out. I kept up appearances but it was exhausting.
I let it out in little bits and spurts. A comment here. A blog post there. Not much. I would not allow myself to be negative unless I balanced it with positive. For as much as I let out, I masked the darkness of my reality.
I felt it in my heart. Right at the core of my being. Fear. Apprehension. Exhaustion. An eternal feeling of being overwhelmed.
This was a crazy time to change career directions. But I did it. I desperately needed to succeed at something to start redefining myself and dig myself out of the hole I had fallen into. I had a very high success rate that was offset by devastating blows to my self esteem during this time.
What do they say about needing to hear ten positive things to offset one negative (maybe 'they' don't say that - I tried googling that information to see if my memory was keen and all I found was wikipedia's definition of 'Negativity bias')? 'They' were wrong. I let three circumstances (all work related) define me. I was surrounded by positive people, I found support from co-workers that was encouraging and appreciative. Family, friends and strangers were everything I needed them to be. But I had fallen into a hole of darkness and I needed to build myself up before I could climb out. No one else could do it for me.
When did the tides change? Sometime around the time I wrote 'A Work in Progress'. I set it free when I unleashed my honest feelings. I opened the door and let in the light. From the moment the words fell out of my fingertips that January morning ... I started to feel lighter. The fog started to lift and did not fall back down on me the moment I sat still.
I cannot define the exact formula for 'what worked for me'. I started focusing on gratitude more. I started reaching out more. I started reformulating my self worth from 'where I was at' verses 'where I had been'. I was honest with myself and put a voice to it. I researched depression and took heart at the words that spoke to me about my personal situation.
'Low grade depression' defined where I had spent the better part of the past several years. I found myself within that definition. I just (now) googled the words to try and find the reference that (I believe) turned the tides for me. I didn't find the original article I read, but this is what my google search found for me to start the search:
- "Pessimistic, grouchy, bored, blue? Chronic low-grade depression can feel so familiar you don't even know you've got it. But it's rampant among women and ..." by Tracy Thompson
- "Are You Secretly Sad?" - CNN.com
So ... the relationship broke up. There was no need for the birth control any more so I stopped taking it. I fell into a deep abyss during that time, but eventually I found my way out. I reinvented myself, fell in love with my life, started making 'courageous' goals ... all at the same time that my hormones were gradually falling back into what they were before this medically induced menopause took over my life.
Finally! It all started to make sense to me. It wasn't all my fault. Something hormonal was at play ... and as much as I have never been one to blame PMS and hormones on the ebbs and flows of my coping abilities, I had to admit that the evidence was hard to ignore. The parallels between how I felt when I was in a medically induced menopausal state and the way that I was coping were pretty much identical. And I have reached 'that age' where menopause is right around one of those corners. Different triggers ... but my internal state of darkness was eerily familiar.
I followed the advice of the article that I read "Depression in Women" and talked openly about what I was feeling. I followed through on social activities (even though I didn't feel like it). I tried to focus on getting outside and get moving. I tried to regulate my sleeping hours so that I wasn't sleeping my life away. I have (for the most part) been succeeding in accomplishing some or part of these goals. And it is making a difference.
I think I am one of the lucky ones. When I went to Dr. Google and self diagnosed myself with the information that was available at my fingertips, I found that my symptoms were manageable. To me. Others have different symptoms, support systems, personal history and a myriad of other factors that make their answers different for them.
Depression hurts. It hurts from the inside. No one knows how bad it feels except for you. If you are hurting ... seek your answers. Life can feel better than it feels when you are cloaked in this invisible darkness that no one else sees or knows you are living with.
Open the door and let in some light. Don't feel like you need to do this alone. You are worth it. You deserve inner happiness and contentment. Whatever you do ... don't give up. Please.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Rolling Along With Life
Life got a little too serious around here this past while. My head has been full of reflective thoughts and there are more where that came from. But I need to back off for a day and just write ...
My daycare week has been the best! There is no school for the kids this week, which meant I had a 5 year old boy and his 8 year old sister here during the school break. Add two 1-1/2 year old girls; one, 2-1/2 year old boy and you've got a winning combination. There is fun and laughter and activity. But best of all?? There is dancing! I knew something good was happening when this young girl started singing and dancing to some of the songs we really enjoy around here. She has really heightened our dance craze at daycare. It is fun to add music, singing and dancing to a day. Try it sometime. I think you'll like it!!
I found shoes!! Not only shoes that I can dance in ... but shoes that I can wear around the house and they are more comfortable than my bare feet! Yes! More comfortable!! Because I can't wear my orthotics when I don't have shoes on. They are jazz shoes. They are one size bigger than I normally buy; wide in size and they are made out of a pliable leather that is heavenly. And I will be able to dance in them!! Yee haw! Not only that, but if you have tender toes, you should go to store that specializes in all types dancing shoes. The girl that helped me out was full of ideas and suggestions for my bunion and corn, because they run into this all of the time with people who wear ballet 'pointe' shoes. I came home with some 'spacers' which will ease the tenderness where my corns were shaved off last week. My feet are jumping with joy - they feel so good!
Two evenings in a row, all of my daycare kids were picked up before 5:00!! This was a gift that was worth more than money. My glasses broke first thing yesterday morning. I called the place I purchased them to find out the hours, only to find out they closed at 5:30. So ... I was going to have to wait until Saturday to take my glasses in. But thanks to my early pick-ups, I made it there not only before they closed ... but just two days before my one year warranty on my glasses was up. One would hope that they would have waived the rules, if I had made it one day late ... but I will not have to wonder. Because I made it two days before the guarantee expired. My frames will be replaced at no cost and I am very, very pleased about that.
I cancelled the next few weeks of dance lessons, to give my feet a rest. Plus I thought that I would need to wait two to three weeks for my dance shoes to arrive. As it turns out, they had a different color in stock and (because my work day ended so early) I could have made it to class. But I had already cancelled it, so I simply enjoyed the night off. And it felt heavenly. The long weekend was a busy one. I was utterly exhausted on Monday. All I remember about Tuesday night is waking up at 6 p.m. to phone Mom because I knew the rest of the week was accounted for. Wednesday and Friday are committed to flyers. So I honestly feel like I'm playing hooky tonight. It is a 'forbidden' night off. And it feels fantastic.
I may be crazy-busy this upcoming weekend but I just don't want to know about it. Not yet. I told my friend that I could clean her house Saturday mornings. It is very likely that I will have to work at my bookkeeping job this weekend. Then there are those blasted flyers. Oh ... when I get rich and famous, the first thing that is going to go is those flyers. Then again, delivering those flyers is the only exercise I get so I should not be so hasty in wanting them to vanish from my life. Then again, if I was rich and famous, I could hire a personal trainer and it would all work out in the wash.
The best news of all is that I am 'back'. I am rolling with life. The good, the bad and the ugly (my new shoes are sort of ugly). I'm coping. Life felt 'dark'. Very, very dark ... a while ago. I shed some light on the darkness and it quietly went away. No fuss, no muss, no fanfare. Just the way the darkness rolled in ... it rolled out again.
The sun is shining longer every day. Spring is on the horizon. I am busy. I am challenged. I am working. I am not only surviving ... I am starting to thrive once again. It's coming. I can feel it in the air.
There is so much more, that is much deeper than today's inane drivel of words. The world is full of sadness, illness, despair and darkness. I am grateful that my own world is full of light, dancing, comfy shoes and glasses that are smart enough to break before the warranty expires.
Who knows how close we come to those cut-off dates in life? It is nice to 'win' one, every now and again. We are ever conscious of the losses ... but do we really have any idea how many times we have 'won' and not even been aware??
My daycare week has been the best! There is no school for the kids this week, which meant I had a 5 year old boy and his 8 year old sister here during the school break. Add two 1-1/2 year old girls; one, 2-1/2 year old boy and you've got a winning combination. There is fun and laughter and activity. But best of all?? There is dancing! I knew something good was happening when this young girl started singing and dancing to some of the songs we really enjoy around here. She has really heightened our dance craze at daycare. It is fun to add music, singing and dancing to a day. Try it sometime. I think you'll like it!!
I found shoes!! Not only shoes that I can dance in ... but shoes that I can wear around the house and they are more comfortable than my bare feet! Yes! More comfortable!! Because I can't wear my orthotics when I don't have shoes on. They are jazz shoes. They are one size bigger than I normally buy; wide in size and they are made out of a pliable leather that is heavenly. And I will be able to dance in them!! Yee haw! Not only that, but if you have tender toes, you should go to store that specializes in all types dancing shoes. The girl that helped me out was full of ideas and suggestions for my bunion and corn, because they run into this all of the time with people who wear ballet 'pointe' shoes. I came home with some 'spacers' which will ease the tenderness where my corns were shaved off last week. My feet are jumping with joy - they feel so good!
Two evenings in a row, all of my daycare kids were picked up before 5:00!! This was a gift that was worth more than money. My glasses broke first thing yesterday morning. I called the place I purchased them to find out the hours, only to find out they closed at 5:30. So ... I was going to have to wait until Saturday to take my glasses in. But thanks to my early pick-ups, I made it there not only before they closed ... but just two days before my one year warranty on my glasses was up. One would hope that they would have waived the rules, if I had made it one day late ... but I will not have to wonder. Because I made it two days before the guarantee expired. My frames will be replaced at no cost and I am very, very pleased about that.
I cancelled the next few weeks of dance lessons, to give my feet a rest. Plus I thought that I would need to wait two to three weeks for my dance shoes to arrive. As it turns out, they had a different color in stock and (because my work day ended so early) I could have made it to class. But I had already cancelled it, so I simply enjoyed the night off. And it felt heavenly. The long weekend was a busy one. I was utterly exhausted on Monday. All I remember about Tuesday night is waking up at 6 p.m. to phone Mom because I knew the rest of the week was accounted for. Wednesday and Friday are committed to flyers. So I honestly feel like I'm playing hooky tonight. It is a 'forbidden' night off. And it feels fantastic.
I may be crazy-busy this upcoming weekend but I just don't want to know about it. Not yet. I told my friend that I could clean her house Saturday mornings. It is very likely that I will have to work at my bookkeeping job this weekend. Then there are those blasted flyers. Oh ... when I get rich and famous, the first thing that is going to go is those flyers. Then again, delivering those flyers is the only exercise I get so I should not be so hasty in wanting them to vanish from my life. Then again, if I was rich and famous, I could hire a personal trainer and it would all work out in the wash.
The best news of all is that I am 'back'. I am rolling with life. The good, the bad and the ugly (my new shoes are sort of ugly). I'm coping. Life felt 'dark'. Very, very dark ... a while ago. I shed some light on the darkness and it quietly went away. No fuss, no muss, no fanfare. Just the way the darkness rolled in ... it rolled out again.
The sun is shining longer every day. Spring is on the horizon. I am busy. I am challenged. I am working. I am not only surviving ... I am starting to thrive once again. It's coming. I can feel it in the air.
There is so much more, that is much deeper than today's inane drivel of words. The world is full of sadness, illness, despair and darkness. I am grateful that my own world is full of light, dancing, comfy shoes and glasses that are smart enough to break before the warranty expires.
Who knows how close we come to those cut-off dates in life? It is nice to 'win' one, every now and again. We are ever conscious of the losses ... but do we really have any idea how many times we have 'won' and not even been aware??
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