Feeling Angsty

I woke up with a good case of "angst" this morning. It seems to be coming at me from all directions and I don't quite know what to do but wonder if it is just the phase of the moon.

I woke up with the thought "Life could change on a dime". I can think of a few triggers for this ominous thought. Most of all I am berating myself for simply not appreciating life-as-I-know-it. Life is such a delicate, precarious balance of good, bad, stressful, easy, work, leisure, expectations ... and the list goes on and on. And on.

Lesson #1 - "When you wake up to a day that is much like the day you expect it to be, be grateful." There is much to be said for a day like every other.

I then started panicking about the way I've been handling my finances. "I should pretend I don't get one pay cheque and save it." Not only to build up my savings but to practise for the day when my income level will change. Life could change on a dime, you know!

Lesson #2 - take "work like you don't need the money" to a new level and "Work like you aren't getting paid for it - and SAVE!"

Then I got on my own case and berated myself for a project I started and put aside. I have mastered the art of procrastination. I have that quality within me so fine tuned I have forgotten that I have been putting off until next year (or the year after that), what could be done in small step-by-step increments.

Lesson #3 - "One small step in a forward direction will put you one step closer to your goal." Baby steps. One step at a time. Get 'er done, Girl!!

I felt my childhood regret of speaking out loud haunt me this morning. Did I write something or say something I shouldn't have? I labored over replying to a text last night because the words wouldn't come. I overthought something I may have written weeks ago. Coulda, shoulda, woulda kinds of thoughts prevailed.

Lesson #4 - "Just do your best. One day at a time." I can hear Mom tell me "Be careful what you put in writing" and I heed that advise to the best of my ability.

Good health should never be taken for granted. This goes right along with lesson #1 - waking up to a body that works as you have grown accustomed to expecting to is a gift like no other. Life can change on a dime. Prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

I take my circumstances for granted. I know I do. I wake up to a warm and cozy home, I jump out of bed and head into my day feeling nothing but a little groggy. I work for people I respect and admire and actually get paid for the privilege. I live in a state of feeling overwhelmed and depleted and don't replenish myself in the ways I could and should.

I do a few things right. I do my best. I endeavour to be kind to everyone. I am grateful.

I make mistakes. We all do. I try my best. But I still fail. I wake up every morning with the opportunity to try, try again.

I'm feeling angsty this morning. Perhaps because I woke up with the knowledge that I need to try a little harder today.

Three Weeks

I colored my hair on the same day I borrowed some books from the library.

My books were due in three weeks. I looked into the mirror a few days before the three week deadline and saw my roots needed to be touched up.

Library books and hair color. Both needed to be renewed in three weeks.

Oh, how time flies when you color your hair!!

This can be filed in the "Things that really don't matter" ...

Dreaming

"I have stopped dreaming" are words I have written in the not so recent past. My conscious mind wrote the words. My subconscious mind took those words and ran with them.

I have been dreaming dreams I remember long after I wake up these days. Almost every day I have another dream to add to the dream list.

Mom is in many of the dreams. She only spoke to me directly in one of them. In the rest, she has been in the cast of characters but hasn't had a speaking part. I guess she only talks to me on the phone.

My dreams are not disturbing. They all seem to be intertwined with my subconscious thoughts. It is as if my brain is working overtime to figure out the mysteries of life during my sleep.

I have been craving some genuine down time to be still and hear my thoughts. My "sitting in a sun beam" moments, to hear the quiet voice within, seem to be elusive and I can't chase them down. My dreams are working overtime to help me hear my inner voice.

I googled "Why am I dreaming so much?" this morning and found a variety of explanations. None of them seem to apply to me except the explanation that I am probably getting more REM sleep. I feel more rested these days so that answer appeased my curiousity.

Past and present are intertwined. My children become children again. Mom is alive and well. Lots of dreams are intertwined with my day to day thoughts. But I'm still not dreaming of the future.

It feels good to dream again, if only in my sleep. This may be key to unlocking dreams in my wakeful state.

What dreams may come as life unfolds? Time will tell ...

Adulting is Hard

Do kids these days know how lucky they really are?!

"Nap time!!" I remember well, telling my daycare family how lucky they were to get to have an afternoon nap. Oh, how I wish someone would tell me I to be still, be quiet, rest and let sleep overtake me.

How I would love someone to ground me. "You are not to leave the house for a week, Young Lady!!" Music to my ears. Even if I wasn't called young.

"You must be home by 10:00!" No, no, no ... 10:00 is too late. "How about 8:00?" I can hear myself bargaining.

"I cooked you a good supper - the least you can do is try some!" Someone cooking for me?! Are you kidding me? The best part of childhood is completely overlooked until one must feed themselves.

"Turn off the TV and go read a book!" Why is it as an adult, you forget how good it feels to tune out the world, open a book and loose yourself in the world of a good story?

I would add "You are not allowed to go to that party!" to my list but my quiet little life is not party oriented. No work Christmas parties. Ever. This is the best part of life as I know it.

"Go to bed early!" Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!

I think I may just do that. 

G'night!😴

Where Does the Time Go?

I can fritter time away like nobody's business. I get up shortly after 5 a.m. and I'm still scrambling to get out the door by 9:30.

What in the world is so important?

Morning pages. Minimum time investment 45 minutes. Let's round that up to an hour to account for getting up, making my bed and getting "my head" ready to leave the house. A dab of eyeliner and a few strokes of color on my cheeks and I'm good to go.

A second cup of caffeine, my morning smoothie and word/number puzzles go together like chocolate and peanut butter. Depending on the difficulty of the puzzles and my brain power of the moment and this takes a minimum of another hour.

There go two hours in the blink of an eyelash.

Then comes the little time-fillers. One more cup of coffee. Facebook scrolling and checking for new blog posts from some of my favorite bloggers. Submitting a power meter reading; banking and financial loose ends to tie up; making my lunch; replying to texts/emails; turning on an appliance to wash dishes or clothes requires an eventual effort on my part when it comes to putting said dishes/clothes away.

Meanwhile, I must check on the rabbits. I haven't had a rabbit sighting in a few days. Where do they go when I can't see them I wonder...

All the while, my thoughts run in a little loop. Things to do. Things that have been done. Silently congratulating myself for washing my hair and vacuuming yesterday so I've freed up some time. What will I blog about today? What is insightful? What little life event triggered an epiphany? What do I really have to say? Any cat tales? Rants or raves? Hmmm ...

This morning the thought that kept coming up to the surface is the fact that I am such a power sleeper, I have wore a hole in my sheet:

What the heck? Who wears out sheets? This must have usually been at the foot of my bed and perhaps it is worn from the nights my feet are cold and I try to create a little warmth by moving my feet back and forth?? Does it really matter? Do I sleep too much? Add sheets to my list.

Honestly. I am a world class champion at wasting time. Yet the things I want to accomplish get put to the bottom of the pile. All my morning chores must be done first.

Am I this way because I am out of the house all day and these inane activities calm and soothe me before I head out the door?

I squeeze in all the things I used to do during quiet time when I ran my daycare into my mornings and have turned relaxing into a job. I sleep so hard I wear out my sheets. Maybe I am more focused than I give myself credit for. Look how hard I work during the night and into the morning.

I think I found out where my time goes. Relaxing is hard work.

Be Still

Words were not forthcoming this morning. 

I sat here and tried to write. Then deleted everything. I read something to create the opportunity for new thought patterns. I wrote some more. Then I deleted it again.

I walked away, washed my hair and vacuumed.

The words that kept chiming through my head as I toiled away at all the "hard things" I squeezed into the space where I could have been writing?

"Be Still"

"Be Still and Know"

"Keep Moving and Guess"

Why am I craving more weekend time in the easy life I live? The desire to be still. Be still and know.

I am caught up in the weekly routine that is life as I know it. I have no reason to complain. But I do.

I simply want to be still. Be alone. Tune out the world. And know.

What is your inner voice telling you as you go through your days? Listen to the voice that speaks quietly. Don't ignore your inner knowing. 

Be still and know ...

Hiding in Plain Sight

My day began with an almost missed rabbit spotting. One rabbit was on the street headed away from here. If I had not spotted this rabbit, I wouldn't have seen the second one who was hiding in plain sight in a yard across the street. The only chance I have of spotting the rabbits, if they are not in my own front yard, is if they are on the street or on the move.

Hiding in plain sight.

I'll never know the number of times I've gazed out the window and missed seeing what was right in front of me. Simply because there was no movement to catch my eye.

How many other things does a person miss?

We go about our days with our eyes set on whatever mission we are on. Some are better than others at taking in a wide angle view of life and seeing it in a panoramic view. I tend to see only what is before me. I liken it to walking through the day with blinders on. I zero in on and focus on what is right in front of me while missing that which is going on all around.

At work, I often miss the obvious by staring too intently on that which is wrong in a mathematical puzzle. I need to back up, back off, regroup and refocus to find that which is right before me at times.

I think of "life" in general and the times when I have looked out and beyond the life I was living. Hoping, wishing, grasping for a life that wasn't mine to have. A love that was lost. A job that was never mine to have. A life that ended before I was ready to let go. Looking at my young children and visualizing who I hoped they could be instead of appreciating who they were.

Sometimes a person needs to look at the wider picture to see above and beyond exactly where you are, in order to move forward. Other times, everything you could ever hope for is right in your own back yard. Hiding in plain sight.