Friday, October 28, 2022
Feeling Reflective
Thursday, October 27, 2022
Hanging on By a Thread
Wednesday, October 26, 2022
Time Warp
Time has a magical way of ticking away no matter if one is sleeping or awake.
I started waking up early enough to give myself two bonus morning hours. The first few days were magical. Every time I looked at the clock, I patted myself on the back. I would have still been sleeping at this time last week. Each extra morning minute was a blessing.
Then life happened.
I started "doing all the hard things" so when my work day began, I had no tasks, phone calls, follow-ups or chores left. I opened my office door and worked with little distraction. I got things accomplished, in and out of that little office.
Then technology failed me.
I have oh-so-many tales to tell. One issue resolved is filled up by the next which had been silently waiting in line. I ticked off the boxes, fixed all I could fix myself and called for help when necessary. What would have buried me back in my early days of "computering" was managed sufficiently.
Then came the challenges I brought on myself. "Oh no! The dishwasher isn't working right!!" I had forgotten I had run a rinse cycle the last time I used it; changed the settings; fixed. "Oh no! The kettle isn't working either!!" I had forgot to turn it on. "Oh no!! The microwave won't work!!" That one required outside assistance in the form of a might handy son. "Oh no! I can't sign into [something I set up last week]" I was accessing the account from the wrong site.
Sometimes? We create our own havoc.
Yesterday, all was going according to plan. Until it wasn't. A phone call that was supposed to be a cut and dried answer and fix to my dilemma took an hour before I had to abandon ship and tend to incoming work calls and text messages.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. So I left.Two prior unsuccessful attempts to make bank deposits for my employer resulted in my decision to make this deposit close to home at (what I thought would be) a time when the bank wasn't busy. A chivalrous young person opened the door for me to enter and I repaid the favor by ensuring they got their place in front of me in the non-existent line. Their turn arrived swiftly. Mine didn't. Ten minutes in line. Five minutes with a new teller learning the ropes. Tick. Tick. Tick.
I had barely left home when the "check engine light" came on. Today? Really? Why do things feel like they compound on an already challenging day?
Another busy day at the office resulted in my mind pinging from one task to the next, fielding tasks which used to fall outside my realm of duty. Talking on the land line, when my cell phone rings is becoming part of my new reality. It happened again. And again.
Finally, finally, finally!! The end of my day was nearing when I received an important call back in regards to my second job at the EXACT moment my son walked in the back door. I had to abandon (what I assumed would be) a brief face-to-face encounter with family, for the sake of duty.
Sigh.
I toyed with the idea of stopping at the store and picking up some chips at the end of my very long day (made even longer by getting up two hours early!), but talked myself out of it. I just wanted to go home.
How would the day have unfolded if I hadn't gotten up early? How did those hours vanish into thin air? Would I have maintained my sense of peace without those bonus morning hours? Perhaps not.
Even when one grants themselves a little extra time it often gets lost as the day progresses. If something you do brings a sense of calm into what may or may not become a hectic day, do it anyway. You deserve it.
Monday, October 24, 2022
Footprints in the Snow
Saturday, October 22, 2022
Math Nerd
It is a very good feeling to wake up early on a Saturday morning. What is most surprising to me is that I would actually opt to continue working today if I didn't have other plans.
My work week ended on a good note (two uninterrupted work days resulted in two days tending math puzzles and spreadsheets which are my idea of fun). I actually have the desire to open my office door and carry on with my little math projects this morning (how does one define "nerd"?).
I tackled hard things within my home office setting this week and tamed the demons I knew were waiting for me bright and early Monday morning. There is nothing like slaying dragons to boost your adrenaline and enhance one's confidence level.
Oh, how those untamed dragons can deplete us. To run and hide from them takes an onerous amount of energy. To armor up, plan one's defense and take forward action? Exhilarating!
Numbers and me go back to my humble beginnings. I can picture Dad sitting at the kitchen table 'figgering' on paper and with his trusty little Arithma calculator ...
What I wouldn't give, to sit across that very kitchen table and talk with Dad again. "Whatcha figgerin', Dad?"
I feel a little less nerdy and a little more connected to myself and my genealogy when I remember Dad and his business sense. When I went through Mom's papers after she died, I found oh-so-many of Dad's calculations. His writing. His numbers. His thoroughness (I have the ledgers where he accounted for every penny spent, down to the cost of screws, for his farming deductions). I couldn't keep everything but I kept some.
I liked math in school. It made sense. Once you knew the basics and added layers of information onto that, it was relatively simple stuff. Black and white. Balance to zero. Checks and balances. Something I am always looking for within this little life of mine when I feel like I am on shaky ground.
If I hadn't gotten married and had a child as soon as I left home, I most likely would have chosen to pursue an education in accounting. What happened instead, is I became a bank teller and my career fell into my lap in the way it was intended.
Accounting and accountants without the personal touch of customer contact, face-to-face encounters and getting to know the story behind the numbers is not me. I didn't know this when I was 18 years old and entering the world of banking. I was shy and awkward. Customer contact was a skill I had to learn along the way.
My Grade Two teacher's comment in our school year book said simply, "Shy, except when she reads." Who knew this would translate into "Socially awkward, except when she works with numbers.", in my adulthood?
In my unwritten book "Defending My Life", I will defend my career path as the perfect fit for me. A mix of numbers and face-to-face interaction with customers taught me everything I needed to know. It was the foundation on which the rest of my working life was built.
A life of numbers without the personal touch isn't for me. Yes, you could lock me in a room with an Excel spreadsheet program and math puzzles to solve and I would be happy. But at the end of the day, I need my people.
No regrets.
When you look back on your life, can you find the basis on which you built your "today"? Can you find solace in the choices made, which brought you to where you are?
Even when the road is uncertain and one hits a few dead ends along the way, every detour has brought us to where we are right now. May you find comfort in knowing you are exactly where you are meant to be. Even when where you are isn't where you want to stay.
Friday, October 21, 2022
Cheating Myself
Thursday, October 20, 2022
Defending My Life
Wednesday, October 19, 2022
Who Am I?
I may be having a late-life crisis. I don't know. I'm struggling. That is all I do know. Not struggling in a hard, life defeating way. Simply struggling to find the piece of myself that breathes life into my soul.
Writing has been the backbone of who I am, how I help myself, how I find myself when I'm lost and how to see answers unfold before me as I put words to the page. If I don't write, who am I?
I have always worked. Work always has its challenges no matter what I do, where I work or how I find a way to pay the bills. My work life has always been cyclical. I despise new jobs, not knowing what I need to know and struggling to meet the demands of a job. I love the middle. The part where I am comfortable, know my way around and I feel mostly satisfied at the end of a week. Then there is the end. The part where I'm searching, feeling "this" isn't right for me any more. Where do I go next? I have landed on my feet at the end of each one of these work cycles but I'm aging out and my desire to start a brand new job is nil. I don't want to start anew so I can't end this cycle. Maybe that is exactly where I am meant to be. Because if I don't work, who am I?
I am also nearing the end of my active parenting role. I will always BE a parent but my well worn phrase these days is, "I want to be a parent, the noun. I don't want to actively parent, the verb." I feel so ready to have my adult children show up on my doorstep (and vice versa) and just chat on a adult to adult level. We are all human, so there will always be the back and forth supportiveness that comes with the role of parenting. I will not abandon my adult children but I'm ready for each of us to live independently of each other. Once my last child leaves the nest and I find myself alone, who will I be if I'm not parenting?
I feel so ready to be done working yet the financial feasibility of living life without a regular paycheque is daunting. On days when anxiety rises to uncomfortable levels, I pull out my spreadsheets, update my net worth and try to guess what my financial needs will be when I stop working which stops me cold in my tracks. Working to age 70 and beyond seems to be the only consistent answer I come up with. Thus, the end-cycle of my present day work situation will most likely be followed by the need to start anew. I have fretted about my finances since I was a child. Always dreaming of how I would save up for the next goal, pay the bills, pay off debt, attempt to save regularly. If I didn't worry about money, how would I feel?
Little stuff. The annoyance of cat hair verses the love of my favorite furry friends. If I didn't have cats, would I be content?
Home ownership and maintenance. The demands of owning a home are without end. I watch home renovation shows and long for low maintenance, minimal possessions, a four season sun room and convertible spaces to allow for overnight guests. City verses small town living. Having two homes to choose from, where would I choose to live? Where do I want to be to BE when I finish working?
I spent my entire childhood wanting to grow up. I grew up and discovered being an adult is hard work so I shifted my focus to the day when my children would leave home, I would be done working and living in a house that felt like home in every nook and cranny.
If all my wishes came true and I was living that idyllic life, who would I be when my days are not filled with what fills them up today?
Who WILL I be when I grow up?
No answers today. Only questions.