Unhappy Feet

As I started to ready myself for my mini-getaway this weekend, I thought I had better pack some good walking shoes. This trip originated because I asked my friend, who is a newly certified personal trainer, if she would like to take on the challenge of being my personal trainer. Thus, our plans were set in motion.

Since that time, I have thought about trying to become more active. 

My handyman donated an exercise bike and left it in the garage for me. Too bad it is too heavy for me to move inside, otherwise I'm sure I would have jumped right on that (NOT!!).

I have researched (once) a good exercise regimen for a beginner. I didn't even get to the videos. The mere act of looking up the information was too exhausting for me.

I thought I should take up walking in the morning in lieu of writing. I want to quit my columns before I do that. The onus of "having to write" keeps me feeling committed to this quiet writing time in the morning.

I have thought a lot of thoughts. But I haven't done a thing. 

I wear out easily these days. I'm quite certain that has a lot to do with the fact that I don't push myself any more. If I'm tired, I quit. If I'm bored, I quit. If I'm frustrated, I quit. I quit before I start something. I have turned into such a quitter.

Why has this happened?

My last noble attempt at physical fitness was taking on a flyer route. I pushed myself, thinking it was for the better good. But I pushed myself in the wrong ways. I carried too many papers at a time because I didn't want to waste time coming back home to reload. I think I compacted the discs in my spine. My back hasn't been the same since the Year of the Flyer Route. Winter was terrible on my thumbs. The repetitive action of always having a paper in each hand seemed to "lock" my thumbs and I now have arthritis in my thumbs. 

I thought my "symptoms" would disappear after I quit that job. It has been three years now and I can still feel the lingering effects.

I used to have a passion for "Zumba". Then I started getting corns on my toes. The only effective way I found to get rid of those corns was to go to a podiatrist. My podiatrist quit and I searched high and low for another one who could accommodate my work schedule. Not only could I not find one, every single place I called had at least a two month waiting list. There was no "squeezing me in" during my summer holiday last year. Needless to say, I booked an appointment well in advance of this year's summer holiday.

When your feet don't work, you are in trouble. So I started babying my feet. These are the only two feet I have and we have a lot more miles to travel.

I quit dancing for many reasons, but the last time I wore my dance shoes was "it". My feet ached before I took my first step on the dance floor. Every single step was pure torture.

I quit exercising for many reasons. Two of them were my feet. Then there was the knee thing that started happening while I was addicted to my WiFit program. Not to mention the shoulder thing that I went to physiotherapy to "fix" and after I did the prescribed exercises wrong, I messed up my neck. It has never fully recovered.

I'm afraid to push my body for fear that I will break it. My body isn't fixing itself the way it used to and it frightens me a little bit. It is a double edged sword. I need to get my body moving and more physically fit, to ensure it lasts until my work here is done. I need to push my limits, but when I have done so in the past I have injured myself in minor ways. 

This has been my excuse for too long now. When I write a letter to my future self, I want to tell her "I hope you jumped on the physical fitness train and got yourself moving again!" I have been too complacent for too long. Enough is enough already.

I found a pair of running shoes from my Zumba days and parked them beside the back door. I will pack up my shoes and take them for a spin. I will talk with my very own Personal Trainer and ask for her advise. "How does a worn out body begin again?"

I stepped into my fiftieth year full of pep, ambition and desire to push my limits. I'm half way through this decade and I feel like half the person I was at the onset. I plan to write a letter to my sixty year old self and tell her what I hope she has accomplished between now and then.

I stopped and took a look at the shoes I have amassed by the back door this morning. This is ridiculous. I have a new and used version of my two pairs of "go to shoes" for all occasions. I have slip on shoes for when I run outside for a minute. I pulled out my sandals that accommodate my orthotics because recently my bunions have been aching at the end of a day in bare feet and sandals. This is what I found: 

Me, the girl who scoffs at those who "need a closet for their shoes" in all the home renovation shows needs her very own "shoe storage system"! 

It's time to get moving again and wear out a pair of shoes for all the right reasons. I hope my feet are up to the challenge. 

A Little Bit of Gratitude Goes a Long Way

I quickly scribbled (typed) down yesterday morning's post on gratitude and the rest of my day carried me away from my early morning thoughts.

It was a pretty decent day. I remember the odd frustrating moment or two but on the whole, I really cannot complain. Small gains are being made with a rather challenging set of behaviours and I celebrate every little baby step along the way.

My only regret was my decision to leave the premises to go and play at the park when we have a perfectly good back yard right here at home. That decision cost me a visit with my sister. Drats!! I replayed that little scenario over in my head much more than was necessary, especially because the deed was done. We were out when she came to call. End of story. That's all I need to do, is to convince myself never to leave the premises just in case someone drops by. Quit thinking that thought right now!!

Then little things happened throughout the day that I didn't even really grasp until I finally went back to read what I wrote down yesterday. My closing paragraph read: "I am so fortunate, I cannot believe it. What I lose on one hand, I seem to gain back, with interest, on the other. Thank you! Thank you!! Thank you!!!"

I am not exactly certain what example I had in my mind as I wrote the words but as I reread it this morning, I was dwelling on another thought I had as I was writing that post "Even when funds are low, there is 'always a way' " ...

I have weekend plans that I can ill afford right now but I didn't want to cancel them due to lack of funding so I was planning to push through. When I talked with my friend (after I wrote that post), we shifted our plans so we will be gone one night instead of two and we changed our destination so I can utilize some "reward points" to cover most of the cost of our accommodations. That, in and of itself made this little trip more affordable. Then the rest of the day unfolded.

The month of May is my "settle up month" for my utility bills. I pay a flat fee year round and then settle up once a year. I overpaid my water, heat and electricity which translates to a savings of $261.00 this month (and another $105.00 next month to boot). Between cutting down our trip from two days to one; being able to cash in on my "reward points" to cover costs AND my utility bill savings, "even when funds are low, there is always a way".

I'm grateful for these little miracles of the financial kind. I've said it before and I'll say it again "If lack of money is our biggest problem, we are very fortunate indeed".

This morning I am grateful to wake up to a freshly mowed lawn AND fresh, clean hair which has been styled more to my liking this time around (it was in my face too much the last time I did it).

The sun is shining and I feel bright and shiny and revitalized.

And one more little piece of gratitude goes to the "Day Care Gods" who watch over me and my little daycare world. I received notice that one of my families is expecting a baby in December and as my good fortune would have it, I have a neighbor (who lives only three houses away from me) who is first on my waiting list for their daughter who will be one year old in November.

Things have a way of working themselves out. Whether you stew and fret and worry needlessly, "life happens". I prefer to make plans and trust that the details will iron themselves out as I go along. I'm not sure how that is going to work for me in my "retirement plans", thus I don't plan. Which could explain a piece of this low grade angst I wake up with each morning.

Life is good. I will take it at face value, appreciate what I have and relax and enjoy the ride. That is my plan anyway. I'm just not too sure how relaxed I am so far. I'll try to enjoy the ride anyway. There is something to be said for a few "thrills and chills" along the way.

It's Thankful People Who are Happy

I have been feeling weighed down by unknown forces lately. Getting out of bed in the morning has been so hard. I have been feeling low and mopey and I have not been enjoying living in my own head. Then (and this may be why I never cancel my Facebook account entirely) Facebook saved me from myself.

I think quotes find and speak to you when you are ready. Yesterday, my inspiration came from two sources "Project Happiness" and a quote from the book "The Rhythm of Life: Living Every Day With Passion and Purpose".

Project Happiness (in part) told me:

"Anyone who has a regular practice of giving thanks can tell you that it attracts more reasons to be thankful. And, the science supports this magnetic effect: Thankfulness awakens our brain’s pleasure centers, and our bodies produce bio-chemicals that activate a strong and powerful sense of connection and well-being. Giving thanks prompts our bodies to respond with vitality, a stronger immune system, and it often inspires us to contribute to the greater good."

Then as the day progressed, I found another gem. According to Google, this is a quote from Matthew Kelly's Book "The Rhythm of Life: Living Every Day With Passion and Purpose":

I woke up this morning with lead in my veins again. I had no desire to hop out of bed and face the day. Then I rolled over and found this lying between my pillow and my alarm clock:

What a whimsical reminder to start my morning by counting my blessings before I placed one foot on the ground.

This morning I found myself grateful for:

• My two favorite felines (one on each side of me as I awoke).
• My ability to work from home (thus I don't have to leave the house today).
• Weekend plans which include a person who lifts me up and makes me want to be a better person.
• The ability to make plans (even when funds are low, there is "always a way").
• A car which will take me to my destination.
• A reliable, capable (24 days away from) adult son at home to tend to everything that needs to be tended in my absence.
• Friends and family who understand, support and "push" me to do uncomfortable things (even though no one literally pushes me to do anything, my desire to do what is right over what is comfortable because of who I am doing it for or with).
• An absolutely, perfectly comfortable life and home. It is so comfortable and stocked up with that which we need and want, Everything I want and need is right here under our roof.
• A perfect daycare environment. We have a child friendly world I would have given my eye teeth to have when I was a child. We would never have to leave the premises.We are SO lucky!
• Spare socks! Nine pairs of brand new, never been opened socks. As I blew through the heel of yet another sock this morning, I was grateful in the knowledge that I have back up socks.

Life is good. The gifts I wake up to each and every day are plentiful. The mere fact that I sleep well is a gift unto itself. The blessing of health and a relatively worry-free existence is something I try not to take for granted. But I do. I wake up "expecting" all of this.

I am so fortunate, I cannot believe it. What I lose on one hand, I seem to gain back, with interest, on the other. Thank you! Thank you!! Thank you!!! 

Transition Without Drama

There is a sense of discomfort in my world right now and I think I finally put my finger on it. My world is undergoing a state of transition. Since the first time since I can remember, this is the first time a significant change transpired without a little drama unfolding at the same time. Instead of feeling like my world has turned upside down and it's up to me to survive and thrive, this feels like a rather low grade pain without a name.

I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com:
http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6557185-transition-without-drama/

Permission to Do Nothing, Be Nothing, Expect Nothing

I walked into this fully uncommitted day, granting myself permission to do whatever I pleased. All day. No guilt. No expectations. No self recriminations.

If I wanted to watch TV all day, that is just what I was going to do. If I wanted to fill myself up with garbage (intellectually, spiritually, physically), so be it.

This was my day to be who I needed to be. I simply didn't want to "be" anything to anyone else. Except perhaps our cats. And maybe my children, if necessary. I could do hard things. I just didn't want to. Not today.

Do you know what I wanted the most? Silence. No television. It was too noisy and too demanding. Wow! I gave myself the green light to spend a day immersed in a Gilmore Girls Revival, but it was too noisy? I could have had a Movie Marathon day but I didn't want to participate. I gave myself the freedom of allowing myself to do whatever I chose to do. I chose "quiet".

I sat in the living room and was soon joined by our cats. Watching our felines is akin to staring into an ocean for me. Those two black hairballs hypnotize me with their antics and the beat with which they swing their tails.

I read for a while. I nodded off to sleep for a few minutes. My son came upstairs and we chatted. Not long, not heavy. Just some light "cat chat". I've missed that.

Eventually, I made my way outside. I puttered. Just a bit. I tidied up a few areas of the yard which are off limits to my daycare family, so I never tend to them during my daycare days. I don't want to draw attention to areas which the kids may have never noticed they wanted to enter. It felt so good to enter a "kid free" zone of the yard and revel in it for a while.

I sat down on our old swing (we have a new swing which requires assembly and today was simply not a day I wished to waste time and energy "assembling") and I simply gazed at our yard:

Our totally maintenance and kid-free "zen area" to the left, is just like walking into a living room. I actually take my shoes off so I can enjoy walking on the artificial turf. It is soft and clean and it seems like it would be bug-free to boot. I want to set up a couch and TV and live there. There is something incredibly peaceful about knowing it is an adult only area. 

Then I gazed at the rest of the yard. I love the simplicity. Grass and a trimmed down lilac bush. All we have to do is mow the grass and our work out here is done. It is perfect for my daycare. A deck area, lots of grass with room to run and play, a huge driveway for bikes and chalk, with a side order of a playground and sand box (with a few play houses to boot). 

The sky is completely blue. The birds are singing. 

The cats are lounging on the deck (well actually Ray is pacing a little bit. He noticed a bee in the grass a while ago and after his bee sting a few weeks ago, he has a respectful fear of bees now).

Life feels good. Serene. Quiet. I've spent all the money I dare spend for the rest of my life, so the maintenance season is officially over. All that's left to do is clean, organize and rid ourselves of some of our excess. There always seems to be a sense of "too much" around here. Too much clutter, too much noise, too much "week". Then comes Sunday...

Sunday is my most favorite day of the week. It is the day I give myself what I need to push through the week ahead. The only thing that could make Sunday better would be if it was "catered". What I wouldn't give for someone to show up with supper right about now. 

A girl can hope, can't she?

Enjoying My Little Rainbow

I'm feeling a good kind of wordless today.

I feel light, after the heaviness of "Monday through Thursday" is behind me.

I feel good because my daycare week has been pretty good, all in all. We've come a long way. We have much further to go but we are headed in the right direction. I've taken responsibility for my part in this equation which has shifted the "power" and transformed my way of thinking right along with it.

I am thrilled to have an "easy weekend" in store. One where all I have to do is go to work on Saturday, then wake up to an absolutely uncommitted Sunday right in my own home. Who knew how good a working weekend would feel after a long winter of working Saturdays?

I am pleased to have a lighter daycare load today. One of my "Friday regulars" came yesterday which means I am down to my core group of "three" today. They are a pretty easy group. The sun is shining, the temperature is starting to rise and I think it could be a good day to be where we most want to be.

It has been cloudy and rainy for most of this week. Dreary weather makes me want to curl up on the couch with a good book, plenty of snacking food with a plethora of movies to choose to watch. Just as my free Sunday is approaching, with all the time and freedom to allow me such a day, the sun is now peeking out again. Maybe I'll spend the day outside with our cats instead. Maybe I could do both?

It feels good to poke my head out of the clouds and see a rainbow on the horizon. There may not be a pot of gold at the end of it, it may be an optical illusion and the more I chase it, the more it will elude me. This feeling may not last but a moment but I'll enjoy the moment while it lasts.

Right now, I feel like I'm sitting in my very own rainbow.

An Easy "Yes"

As I tossed and turned through the night, an invitation to go to a house concert in a few days rumbled through my mind. "I should say yes, it would be good", followed by "I don't feel like being social. I don't want to think about bringing food". I grew more tired as I slept, thinking of how hard it would be to go out and be around other people.

My "Year of Yes" is starting to wear thin. Yes, I can do hard things. But sometimes the "yes" has to be directed inward. I need to say "yes" to me too.

I was leaning towards a compromise. "How about we skip the concert and just get together for a visit?" sounded attainable. A one-on-one visit I could do. A group setting? Not so much.

Can you imagine my surprise to wake up to an alternate invitation from the same friend. "How about a movie?" My brain immediately translated that into "How about sitting in a dark room, sit back and be entertained and not have to say a word for 90 minutes?" I'm in. I'm all in!

I've been threatening my daycare family with the idea of a movie day. A day where we do absolutely nothing but watch movies and eat popcorn. All. Day. Long. My little three year old friend was all over that idea. "Sometimes me and my dad watch movies and eat popcorn!" I could have easily convinced her three year old buddy to join us, as long as he could sit on the couch with his blanket. The problem was with their energetic, non-stop, need to play, have fun and be stimulated younger daycare buddies.

That idea was not going to fly. So I started promising myself a movie day on Sunday. A day where I would sit back and watch whatever my heart desired. I wouldn't pinpoint a need to be fulfilled like prior Sundays. I would not specify that my entertainment be life affirming, stimulating and fill me with positive thoughts. I would simply sit back and be entertained. And eat popcorn. The end.

When my friend proposed the idea of going out to see a show, I thought a movie night was the perfect way to kick off my movie day which is scheduled to follow.

It was the easiest "Yes!" I've said all year.

Sometimes "yes" just has to be easy. Sometimes "yes" means saying yes to what you want to do and no to what you think you should be doing. Sometimes, you just have to follow the path of least resistance.

Besides, my sister told me this, "You need to satisfy your needs first and you NEED  REST. ( Brain and Body)."

As Brené Brown says, "Write yourself a permission slip" to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Apparently I haven't been very good at that but I play to use my sister's words as permission to give myself a break.

I am going to give my brain and body a rest this upcoming weekend. I hope you give yourself permission to do the same. And if you have trouble with that, I hope you have someone in your life like my sister. Someone who reminds you to be gentle with yourself and take what you NEED.

This is your permission slip to:

Do nothing

Do what you need

Do what you want

Spend time alone

Spend time with others

Be kind to yourself