My Repetitive Life is Full of Lessons I Already Know

In this cyclical, repetitive life I lead I seem to find my own answers hidden within the content of this blog space. I reread these words I wrote five years ago and they speak to me where I am at right now. Need I say more?

TUESDAY, MARCH 11, 2014

Famous Last Words

"My calendar is pretty empty. I know I must get milk sometime within the next five days or so but that is about the extent of my social calendar. Oh, and I must donate blood the week after that. Busy month for me!"

Those are the words that I typed when I replied to my cousin's email at 6:52 on Saturday evening. Less than 48 hours later, I seem to have my week booked up. How in the world did this happen?

For one thing, it is simply because I am saying "YES" to life. Saying yes is better than the year I started saying no. Saying no took away the pleasure-factor immensely. But I believe that "NO" was where I needed to be to have the energy to push myself those very hard days.

Saying "YES" invigorates and depletes at the same time. I know that I have a high-need-for-solitude so I need to offset my yeses with equal time just-for-me.

Saying "NO" does exactly the same thing to me a lot of the time. The weekends where I cocoon myself from the world and do little more than nurture myself fill me up but they also deplete me of that spark that I feel when I am in the thick of living-a-full-and-balanced-life.

Therein lies the key. Balance. Perhaps that is why I have fallen into the 'party planner' role lately.

As The Planner, I get to pick and choose what I want to do and when I want to do it. I could not have started-what-I-started-last-week a year ago, two years ago or any-number-of-years-ago because I simply didn't have anything in me to give. I was empty and trying very hard to fill myself up.

When you are running on empty it is hard to run a marathon. When you look at the long road ahead of you and you cannot even see the end goal it is hard to focus on endurance. It is simply all about getting to the next filling station and hotel.

The important thing is to keep taking those forward steps. Even when they don't seem to be making a difference. They are. Even the time spent filling up and resting are giving you what you need to make it to the next step along the way. If you could live your life backwards you would know that each and every pit stop was essential.

Small, forward steps, rest stops, keeping hydrated and enjoying the journey are what it's all about.

It takes time to prepare and train for the marathons of life. We can't be running at top speed all of the time. It's hard on the body, mind and soul. Focus on endurance. There may be times when you need to sprint but you simply cannot keep up that pace all of the time.

Yes verses no. Run verses walk. Rest verses replenish. Balance.

I love my little life-as-I-know-it. The life where running out for milk and donating blood are the driving force of a week. It gives me time to say "YES! ... I will take in a dance class" and "YES! I am home and we will have a good visit while you are here" and "YES! I can do that for you" and "YES! Let's plan an adventure".

My calendar is still pretty empty. I like it that way. It gives me room to juggle priorities and put what needs to be nourished at the top of the pile.

But my empty calendar sure feels full...

The Best Things in Life

The weekend past felt like it passed by in the blink of an eyelash. The post I most wanted to write was titled "Moments" and that encapsulates my weekend in one word.

We can't plan, predict or choreograph the best moments in our life. They are a little like watching a butterfly. You just sit quietly and let things happen without forethought or expectations.

Moments could be a "sitting in a sunbeam" kind of feeling where everything in that precise moment in time comes together and provides you with peace and clarity.

Moments could be a conversation that unfolded easily, personal truths are revealed and held tight and a sense of trust and ease makes for an easy rapport.

My knees used to shake when these conversations happened. Times when I connected with a fellow human being on a deep and meaningful level. I haven't noticed my knees shaking lately but my heart still recognizes the moment.

The memories of my mind rewind and replay ... the location where these deep and meaningful conversations have been inconsequential. In a parking lot, a quiet day at work, in a Tim Hortons coffee shop or a restaurant, to name just a few.

Stand-out moments can happen any place at all. Almost all the moments that stand out in my life all happened while I was living my day-to-day life and within a close radius of home. I didn't have to go any where, take in any special occasion or go looking for the best moments of my life. They simply unfolded when I was sitting quietly and the moments took care of themselves.

It is really no wonder I have little desire to travel. The best things in my life happen close to home. I have often said everything I need is right here under my very own roof. Although I have to leave the house to earn a living these days, everything I need to get through the next day at work is waiting for me at home.

The best things in life are not only free, they are closer than you may think. Sometimes, just sometimes all we have to do is sit quietly and simply let life unfold as it is meant to be.

It's Been a Long Week

You know you may be in for a long week when Monday feels like a Friday.

Honestly. Where did the weekend go?

I'm not even kidding. Is this the beginning of a brain altering disease when it feels like Friday evening morphed into Monday morning without a break in between?

On the plus side, if today felt like Friday ... maybe tomorrow will feel like Saturday. I wonder if anyone would notice if I just stayed home.

Too Good to be True?

I was living through some particularly challenging moments yesterday when the constant "ding" "ding" "ding" coming from my cell phone let me know there were people outside of the moment I was in, reaching out in some capacity to tell me things.

When I had time, I peeked in at these messages to find:

• my uncle was home from the hospital and his support systems were rallying and grateful to hear this good news
• my middle son asked if he could spend the night as he was going to be in the neighborhood and it made good sense to save himself some travelling time
• I received an email telling me this same son sent me tickets to see "Oprah Winfrey Presents: Your Path Made Clear" ...
• messages from both of my sisters confirming details about coming to see my youngest son's debut acting performance this week
• an invitation to join my sister to see Cher

Are you kidding me?! An invitation to see Cher AND Oprah?! AND another Sister Sleepover so close on the heels of our last sibling gathering? AND my uncle has rallied after several recent hospital stays and is back home! AND my son was coming to spend the night as the icing on the cake. As if the cake wasn't already sweet enough on its own AND didn't already have enough icing to begin with?

It was a day I feel like I dreamed up as I went along. 

Finally, as I was walking across the parking lot leaving one job, to cross the street to go to my second job when not one, but TWO rabbits hopped across my path then stopped in the middle of the road for me to have time to admire them before they headed for safer ground.

Mom isn't in my thoughts and head in an all consuming kind of the way these days. I still think of her often, feel her within me, speak of her whenever it is fitting. But I don't feel, see and yearn for "signs" of her presence. It felt like those two rabbits were meant to draw my attention, think of Mom, feel her presence and think of what she would be telling me if I was talking to her right now.

Then I went to visit my aunt ... and I could hear Mom's voice within my aunt's words. I just laughed and told her "That is exactly what Mom would say..."

Do we find whatever we are looking for in life? Do we make things up along the way to corroborate the story we are creating in our mind? Do we get back what we put out into the world and simply feel surprised when good things happen?

I am a big believer of karma and the energy of what you give comes back to you, whether it be a good or a bad thing. I haven't been feeling incredibly positive lately, I'm not at my best and I don't feel like I've been as generous as I should be with what I'm giving to the world. The only positive thing I can say is that I'm doing my best. 

Maybe my best is enough. I am being encouraged as my make my way along. I'm even being drawn to cross the street into Part II of my day, with two rabbits leading the way. 

Yesterday felt like it had the potential to bring me to my knees and it ended up being a day that was filled with so many small gifts, blessings and signs it simply felt like it was too good to be true. Am I making this life up as I go along?! Honestly! Invitations to see Cher AND Oprah?! Are you kidding me? This IS too good to be true!

New Season, New Thoughts

With the onset of spring, comes the thought of exterior house maintenance. Home ownership and I have waged our battles over the course of the past 25 years. I don't know which side is winning because just when I think I'm ahead of the game, regular wear and tear takes its toll and I'm back at the beginning again.

Our interior, main floor renos went so well I am looking outside and seeing all that needs to be done (and should have been done several years ago). Shingles, soffit, fascia and painting. It sounds simple, doesn't it? Simple doesn't necessarily equate to cheap.

We lived here nine years before I bit the bullet and had the exterior of our home painted and replaced the shingles. I remember saying at the time "The next time the house needs to be painted, I'll replace the soffit and fascia. The time after that, I will get maintenance free siding."

Well, it is sixteen years later and it's time to live up to my long overdue promise. Paint with a side order of soffit and fascia please. Oh, and for fun let's just toss in some new shingles. Shingles are actually where we need to begin.

I'm no fool. I know this will trigger more costs, more spending and more updates.

I gazed at our the rusty railing on our front door step and asked my son's opinion. Paint or replace? I was speaking of the railing only. He looked at the doorstep and stated he thought the entire step should be replaced.

One doorstep at a time.

First the shingles. Then the eaves. We will work our way down and see what is left at the end of the money.

I think I will replace our mailbox and house numbers though. Those are additions I can live with.

Spring has sprung and it has unloaded a heavy burden on my budget. As exasperated as I feel at this moment in time, I uttered the words "I'll get the house all fixed up, sell it and retire to a cheaper housing market ".

It's food for thought. But the more the house is updated, the more I like it. I will probably stay. At least until the dawn of a new season.

New Day, Different View

I write here within my sheltered and quiet little world then drive off into my day and think about what I have written.

My morning thoughts are the most unfiltered words of my day. This can be good or it can be bad. Quite often, the words are simply the seeds of ideas which I wake up with and they grow throughout the day.

Yesterday, I wrote about the adjustment period I'm going through after I switched bedrooms a few days prior. I wrote of the minor inconvenience of having to change my routine and find my new normal.

Then I drove into my day where I hang out with friends who could be my mother.

I spend my days in and around seniors who have moved into retirement residences. They are living independently but they have packed up their lifetime and moved it into smaller quarters, into a city which has not been their home and they have readjusted their lives to fit into their new surroundings.

They have done this willingly and on their own. There are support systems in place and they aren't alone in trying to make this change. But the change is huge.

Everyone's situation is different and each person adapts in their own way. A person who has spent a good portion of their life moving to different locations may adjust easier than one who settles in and makes one house their forever home.

I can't help but think of Mom and our wish that she would have decided to move back close to her family home so she could be nestled in and among family and old friends. She often said "If only I could pick up this house and move it ..." she may have considered the notion.

Moving locations is one thing. Uprooting your life and moving an entire lifetime of belongings into a smaller space is another.

The thing "all of the above" has in common is the ability to choose. Feeling in control of your life, where you are and how you live is one of our greatest gifts. I cannot help but think of those who are unable to make those very same choices. When a health situation changes circumstances and others have to make that choice for you.

This brings me to Dad. He suffered a severe brain injury after a massive heart attack and he was at the mercy of those who made necessary choices for him. As dire as this situation sounds, he was still one of the fortunate ones. Mom made decisions in Dad's best interest. A multitude of thoughts waft through my mind as I write these words but most importantly, even though he never came home again he was not alone.

I think of those who are not so fortunate. Those who find themselves in a situation where changes must be made but they don't have a support system in place to advocate for them, walk with them and most importantly sit beside them as they adapt to a life that was not of their choosing.

I think of the variety of ways we lose our ability to be in control of our own destiny. To maintain one's health is a blessing. To hold onto our memories, our ability to communicate and live within a body that allows us to live independently is a gift beyond words.

As I navigate through the minor changes I voluntarily make within this sheltered little life I lead, I must remind myself how fortunate I am. I walked through this morning with an entirely different perspective. I feel like I am living in a whole new home and all I had to do to accomplish this was move a few belongings upstairs.

I have an entirely new view of my world and I didn't even have to leave home to find it. Sometimes a new perspective is the best thing one can find.

Adjustments

I'm not a big fan of change. Judging by the way our cat family have taken to the change of our bedroom, I would say changing where one sleeps says a lot about a person (or cat).

Night #1 - I felt like I didn't sleep at all. I tossed. I turned. I kept waking up. I felt unsettled. I missed the presence of our Senior Cat of the house (Ray). He didn't find his spot to sleep in my room at all that night. In fact, when I woke up one time I searched the house to find our missing cats. By morning,our Second Cat in Command (Jet) was resting comfortably at the foot of my bed.

Night #2 - I slept better than the first night. Jet resumed his previous morning's resting spot quite early in the evening. Ray hopped up near my head and tapped me for a few middle-of-the-night head scratches. But for the most part, he was missing in action.

Night #3 - Ray was still pretty skittish about this new sleeping arrangement. He had grown quite accustomed to his spot in the far off corner of our king sized bed in our downstairs bedroom. This queen sized bed is quite an adjustment. Where is someone to sleep if they don't like to be touched, disturbed and can comfortably keep their eye on things from afar? 

Morning #4 - I awoke to find Ray resting uncomfortably in a trial sleeping spot on the opposite corner of where Jet was snoozing. 

I found myself sleeping diagonally across the bed to create a comfortable boundary for the two cats slumbering at my side. 

A combination of the diagonal sleeping position plus a layering of pillows and not having the TV on throughout the night seems to be working for me. 

Sleeping crosswise on the bed creates a safe space for all three of us. I am quite comfortable to find myself smack dab in the middle of our un-snugly cats. I have room to move without disturbing either one of them.

I stumbled across a magical combination of a memory foam pillow plus a down pillow which seems to be cradling my neck while supporting my head. I haven't woken up with a sore neck for two mornings now. This is heavenly.

The TV/DVD combo, minus a Netflix connection didn't work for me. Instead, I have been utilizing the Netflix channel on my phone which turns itself off completely when a show ends. No white light. No subliminal "hum" of an operational appliance left on. Silence plus the natural light of the rising sun, with a cat on each side of me is starting to feel good.

This adjustment has not been without its trials. But we are figuring things out.

Jet - is who I want to be. He assesses the situation, finds a new normal, is comfortable with that change and adapts quickly.

Ray - is me to the extreme. He likes security, routine and does not like his comfort zone being violated. He assesses the situation and walks away. When he realizes this may be the new normal he checks things out and still walks away. When he is feeling a little antsy about the fact that he misses his old reality, he gently taps me on the head in the middle of the night for reassurance (or was that the night the cat food ran low - I can't remember for sure). When all else fails, he tries to adjust. It isn't easy. It isn't comfortable. He prefers the old way. But he tries.

Me - I reason myself through this adjustment and convince myself "change is good". I have an internal dialogue which is continually going back on forth on the pros and cons of the move. The biggest part of me is following the calling of the sun. I believe my moods are highly influenced by the moon. The whimsical part of me just follows the stars ...

I think I should follow Jet's lead. He doesn't think. He simply does what feels good. Ray does a little bit of that too. The reason I know this to be true is because within minutes of me opening the bedroom door and availing the space to our cats, this is what I found:

Jet - under the covers
Ray - as close as he ever gets to snuggling (atop the covers and right beside Jet)

It's a good move. Who ever said good is always easy. It is simply an adjustment to our norm. Ray and I have a bit more trouble with realigning ourselves with our new reality.

Adjustment periods are hard.