All From the Comfort of Home

I woke up to a laundry list full of tasks to tend - clean the cat litter, garbage day pick up and shopping. Online shopping!

One hour was all it took. I shopped at two grocery stores; ordered necessary stationary items; took a trip over to Amazon and purchased some printer ink; and all I have to do is await our regularly scheduled cat food delivery.

Then I downloaded a book from Audible and listened to Ken Jennings narrate Alex Trebek's book "The Answer Is" while I tended to my morning brain exercises (word and number puzzles on the computer).

Ahhh ... the creature comforts of home and an Internet connection.

As much as I love to escape to my little home-away-from-home, there is truly no place like home.

The Gift of Recall

I was up to my elbows in sorting through the assortment of frozen food in our freezer when I suddenly wondered "Why am I here?"

I was immediately reminded of the moment when I was unpacking a load of groceries I took to my little home-away-from-home when I wondered "Where is the Shepherd's pie I packed?" I vividly remembered moving one frozen entree out of the way; I remembered we had two frozen Shepherd's pie meals; I remember the motion of choosing one of them. But it wasn't packed.

In both cases I was able to recall my answers the moment I revisited the scene. This reusable note we have taped inside a cupboard door (as a reminder that there is a thawed muffin inside the microwave) triggered the memory I had spotted a muffin in the freezer and had planned to take it out:

The frozen Shepherd's pie? I found it safely stashed inside the freezer door. My memory hadn't failed me. I had gone through the motions to pack it up and take it with me but simply forgot to follow through.

The gift of recall. The vivid pictures in our mind to help us back track and remember the sequence of events that brought us to the moment we are in, when we have forgot why we are there. 

It is a gift that shifts, alters and fades. Sometimes it is because we are overtired or our minds are on a million other things. We get distracted and forget. It seems to happen a little more as I age but every time I remember, I remind myself to be grateful.

The ability to recall a thought is a gift when we have it. It can be eroded slowly or gone in an instant. Brain injury comes in many different forms. Our brains are the core to our being. If we thought about it as much as we should, we may all be walking around in helments. 

Helmets and face masks. We need to protect what is important. Be careful out there.

When Can I Retire?

I have noticed a pattern within this little life of mine. The minute I start to worry about my job outside my regular working hours, it results in a morning-after ritual which has become familiar and somewhat soothing. I go back to my budget spreadsheet, run some numbers and wonder if I can afford to retire.

Short answer? No. My answer? Long and wordy...

I stayed home this past long weekend. I discovered something I am not particularly proud of. I may be using my little "home away from home" as a place to run toward because I am running away from life-as-I-know-it withing my "home at home".

I had grand plans and expectations of myself when I realized this long weekend would fall at the end of a month where several onerous deadlines had to be met within my bookkeeping world. To me, completing a list of "hard things", filing them away and feeling satisfied with a job done to completion is a high like no other. It is a sensation that fulfills and completes me.

Long story longer? I did not cross off any of the big ticket items I was anticipating. Add to that, a challenging "last day" before my anticipated long weekend. To add just a little more to the pile, I didn't get the long weekend I was anticipating. It was sprinkled with work issues yet to be resolved.

This is the part of my saga where I need to create, define and live within the boundaries I have set since my day job moved in with me. I created boundaries all right. I closed the door and would have sealed it shut if I could have done so, in a manner that would not have resulted in paint peeling off when the seal was broken.

I did the next best thing. I sat in front of the TV for four solid days. Yes. Four. 

Cooking? I cooked a frozen pizza, garlic fingers and bagged salad on Day One. I picked up Dairy Queen for supper on Day Two. We ordered in "fine dining" from Pink Cadillacs on Day Three. By Day Four, I knew I had to rise to the occasion. I found a cooked, frozen chicken breast in the back of the freezer from well over a year ago. Perhaps two. Then I added bagged, boxed and frozen entrees to the mix and created this:

 

P.S. It tasted about as good as it looks. It was edible.

The list of achievements during the above noted weekend are: I washed one load of laundry; I washed my hair; I watched 5 seasons of "Mom". The end.

ONE day back to work and this is what was achieved:

Spaghetti and meat sauce for at least three meals; tuna salad for my supper at my work-away-from-home employment; and I mowed the lawn. In addition to putting in a full day's work at home and away from home. 

I may not enjoy working but I need it. I seem to need a job to define the work flow for my days at home. 

When can I retire? I trust that when the time comes, I will be at a point where my finances will work out one way or another. 

When should I retire is a better question. I believe life is telling me I need to learn to better manage my down-time when I have it in order to manage a life without defined goals. Retirement could be the hardest part of my life if I don't start planning a  future that isn't defined by work.

Sad but true.

It Was a Dream (it was only a dream)

Dreams are weird and wonderful and a little wacky. I was smack dab in the middle of a place I didn't want to be and I had no idea all I had to do was open my eyes.

My dream took me everywhere:

• I was running my daycare
• I was trying to leave work but my shoes were gone
• Someone found me a very small pair of slip on sandals I could use (they commented "Thank you, Mrs ?" as they handed the petite sandals over to me, leading me to believe they had once belonged to a beloved senior they once knew)
• I used the borrowed sandals despite the ill fit
• I quit my job
• I went to find my car and was afraid someone took my car so I popped the hood of the trunk to find it was still there
• I backed out of my spot and got stuck on ice
• I revved the car backwards to pick up speed to go forwards on the ice and forgot to look to see if it was safe to do so
• I didn't hit anything or anyone
• I sped past the point where I was stuck before and was in the clear
• Next thing I know, I'm riding a bike uphill towards downtown
• Two skateboarders were coming from opposite directions
• I didn't hit the skateboarders and they hugged when they met up
• I was stuck at an intersection on my bike
• Somewhere in the middle of the chaos I stop to read all the hand written messages written in crayon, bidding me farewell from my job
• One of the messages said, "I hear you quit because you don't like writing up invoices for snow. That's okay ..."
• War planes were flying overhead
• Young children were excited to see the planes
• I was terrified
• A plane hovered over us and a soldier calmly said if they had orders to shoot, they would do so
• I had to turn one way to pick up my child
• Home was in the opposite direction
• The world was ending and I was stuck in an intersection ...

Then I opened my eyes.

Never have I ever been so relieved to wake up, at home, safe and protected. 

Then I realized I woke up to a day off. It is July 1st!!! Happy Canada Day everyone!!!

Stay safe. Wear your shoes. Watch out when you are backing up. And remember hard days don't last forever. A good night's sleep is the best medicine.

Simplicity

Simplicity. Personally, I think that is at the core of my well being. To create a life where I don't fall into the trap of worrying about things I have no control over or that really don't matter in the whole scheme of things. 

Sounds simple.

Life is never as simple as one would hope. That's a good thing. We need contrasts in order to help recognize the goodness of overcoming life's challenges. 

Working from home creates a complexity under this roof which is hard to ignore. One thing I have done absolutely right is to enclose my work space within a room-with-a-door. Unfortunately, that very room looks like this at the moment. Every square inch of flat work space is covered with works-in-progress:

Even more unfortunate, is the "spillage" into other areas of the house:

 

Can I just say "Aaaaaaaack!!"

The hard question I must ask myself right now is "Am I running away from my overwhelmed life when I head out to my home-away-from-home?" or "Am I running toward a simpler life?"

A little of both.

I must contend with the excess under my home-at-home. A life of simplicity necessitates dealing with that which is weighing me down. I DID rehome an entire house worth of excess belongings. Now I must deal with my home office. Having an office which is overtaking our home is not my definition of a simple,well defined work space.

In the meantime, I will let Glennon Doyle's words guide me. Just keep going. I know her message is much deeper than dealing with an overwhelmed office. But it fits my state of mind when I enter the room that has the power to overwhelm me. 

This framed quote is the ONLY personal item within my home office. 

"Just keep going, please ..."

Aspiration

I aspire to be ...

I did not realize the power these words held until I read something this morning. The writer of the post said three things set them into motion: inspiration, aspiration or desperation.

Inspiration does not take me far. It is a spark. But a spark does not ignite without good air flow and a little "fanning of the flame" to keep it burning. Inspiration without a defined goal depletes me. I need to work toward an end result. To dream of something bigger than the spark of an idea.

I would have said desperation my driving force until I realized "desperation" has caused me to wake up and take note of a situation which no longer served me. I have sat in limbo making pro/con lists as I mapped out possibilities of where I could go from where I was at. 

To run with no set destination in mind, one doesn't go far. Once one has a defined destination - something to run toward, endless possibilities await.

I have been navigating my life without a map for a lot of years now. Lost at sea. Aimless. Pointless. Drifting. No future hopes, goals or dreams leads to nowhere.

Suddenly, "retirement" is a goal I have in mind. I have found a home I hope to retire in. A physical change, made with intention. I am moving towards the life I aspire to live.

The timeline is flexible but for the first time since Mom asked me about my 10 year plan (almost four years ago), I have found myself smack dab in the middle of a tentative 5 year plan. 

Mom? I have a plan. It feels good. Drifting aimlessly through one's days/months/years is not exhausting. But it certainly isn't life affirming.

I see the life I aspire to live in the not-so-distant future. 

This looks (and feels) like a very good destination to run toward...

Hard Working Hands

“Silent thoughts hold precious moments that last forever. Probably the most ambitious person that ever lived.” 

♫ These hands raised a family, these hands built a home. These hands won the heart of my loved one and with hers they were never alone. If these hands filled their task then what more could one ask. Take a look at these hard working hands ♫

~ “These Hands” sung by Hank Snow – a special tribute to my dad, from my mom

This is a quote from Mom's family's book of memories. Mom asked me to add this to the book as it was going off to press.

Hard working hands were the words that came to mind as I sat down with my coffee to start my day off with a few words.

After two days of deck cleaning, scrubbing, scraping and sanding the current state of my hands cannot be captured by a cell phone camera alone. I didn't even realize how dirty my nail beds were until I glanced down at them this morning. 

I may not be the ambitious person who ever lived but I have been much more ambitious lately, if that counts for anything.

A before/after photo of one of our decks while the cleaning process is in progress

(this is a much better picture than one of my "hard working hands")