Which Ornament Would You Choose?

Junior Cat and I seem to be at odds over how I should adorn the bookshelf by our front window. I choose Option #1 ... he seems to have another opinion. Which ornament would you choose??

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My News as I Know It

The good news is ... my brain is not broken after all. I took a 'brain cognitive function test' yesterday and the result showed my brain performed above the norm for my age.

The bad news is ... the irritating habit of 'not remembering' is possibly related to menopause. I am not one to blame hormones for things I think I should be able to control myself. But when it comes to depression, mood swings and bad memory? Hormones seem like a good scapegoat. I'll take it for now.

The sad news is ... I took my broken brain with me into the day yesterday and we did not fare well. I was hyper-sensitive to the world, I couldn't concentrate, I spilled things (all day), I couldn't organize my thoughts nor my day and all-in-all? I didn't do well. I'd give myself a 'Fail' for Wednesday.

The better news is ... today is a new day. I stepped into the morning with no must-do-items on my early morning agenda. I've got a brand new mind-set and agenda for how-to-navigate my way through today.

The optimistic news is ... I forecast a change in my mood. Because that is one thing I have the power to control. I did not like the person-I-was yesterday and I plan to leave that girl behind in the dust. Onward!!

The best news is ... I was given another chance this morning. The good thing about a bad day is we get a chance for a do-over. Some days are worse than others. Yesterday would not even cause a blip on the Bad-Day-Richter-Scale. But my mood affected all those who touched my world. And that rates as an '8' on the wrong end of the scale in my books.

No news is good news. So I hope for a 'no news' kind of day. I just want to slide gently into tomorrow without upsetting the balance of what-works-best.

P.S. This News Report idea was stolen inspired by an email I received from My Brother yesterday. Thanks, Bro! I hope your day rates 'better than the day before' for you. 

Broken

I'm not sure but I am wondering if my brain is broken.

The words "I already told you this"; "Don't you remember?"; "You said that already"; "Aren't you listening?" are ringing in my ears. I am hearing those phrases time and time again. Day after day.

My Second Son came over last night and I casually mentioned "People are being mean to me" (I am exaggerating here but it starts to feel mean when you hear the same thing over and over (and over) again. No one else knows how many times I've already heard the words "Don't you remember?" They think it is 'just them'.

Perhaps people were just giving me a break while my mind was preoccupied with our family book-assembling-project and reunion-planning. My brain continues to multitask, as I co-ordinate my daycare days with my weekend employment and extra-curricular writing and bookkeeping work.

I admit my thoughts are 'all over the map' these days. Even though the 'big stuff' is behind me, my brain is not shutting down and turning off. It is still busy scheming how to fit in what-I-want-to-do in between the cracks of what-I-must-do.

My concern still lies with so many people outside of my own doors. Christmas is coming and our family has faced great losses during the Christmas season for the past two years. My inner anxiety levels are rising for no outward reason.

I don't want to plan anything over the Christmas season because life keeps stepping in and taking over. If I don't plan, I am open to whatever comes my way. I have needed to be 'open' lately. Thus (perhaps?) my squeamishness over making any kind of plans.

I am feeling selfish about needing 'me' time. Yet when I don't take it, I start to fall apart in small but quiet ways.

Perhaps my forgetfulness is due to brain overload. But my brain is not as busy these days. Why am I still so absent minded?

My inability to hold a job outside of my home is starting to rise to the surface again. I can remember (see how much I do remember!?!!) how I felt when I could not learn what I needed to know fast enough when I was out in the big, scary world where 'nobody knew my name'. I felt the difference between my younger self and who-I-am-now.

The connections within my brain are not firing the same. I feel it. I know it. It is scary.

So when I continually hear the words "Don't you remember?", it is like another stab in the centre of my universe. I'm trying to remember! I am!!

I remember a lot. I don't remember everything.

I did fix our broken down printer connection this morning. I can troubleshoot most things that go wrong with our computer. I can still 'balance to zero' in anything number related. I can string together a whole pile of words and make them say what I want to say.

Perhaps my words are saying more than I intend for them to say as this small, quiet but continual inner anxiety surfaces to the top more and more. All I can feel is the sting of the words I sent out into the world when I knew I needed to encase myself within my 'Fortress of Solitude'. That post is akin to the letter I mailed when I should have shred it into a million pieces.

Is my brain broken? Injured? Or is it just tired? Perhaps there was a reason I was gifted a 'weekend at a spa' by my kind-hearted family.

Now I have to take my broken brain and navigate my way through the day ahead of me.

My Second Son dropped off some invoicing for me to do last night. He kept telling me not to burn the midnight oil to get it done. I took him at his word. It is still sitting here beside me. I have not lifted a finger because I can 'fit it into the cracks of my day'.

Perhaps I'm a little bitter. Because the last words he spoke to me as he walked out the door were "I already told you that..."

Ouch.

Maybe I'll find an Alzheimer test online somewhere. I'll see if I'm in the early stages of losing my memories. See? I knew there was a reason I wrote so much. One of these days, I just may need to know who I used to be.

I'm kidding. Sort of...

Early Morning Thoughts

I love the thoughts I wake up with each morning. I am ecstatic when I allow myself to run with them before afternoon seeps in and steals my confidence.

Yesterday morning I had (what I thought was) a great idea. I ran with it. I wrapped it up. I addressed it. But 'life' did not allow me the opportunity to mail it.

Afternoon crept in and told me it was a silly idea. Why in the world did it sound so good five hours ago? Silly me!

I had talked myself out of following through.

One conversation in the morning stole my confidence. A second conversation in the afternoon gave my confidence back to me.

Perhaps that is the reason I enjoy quiet.

I think, left to my own devices, I (usually) can filter the 'good' from the 'bad' ideas. I like to talk myself down. I don't like to hand that power over to others until I am firm in the direction I want to go.

This morning, I woke up from a vivid dream and simply laid still and replayed the dream before I allowed the day to seep in.

The characters within the dream were an old school friend and an acquaintance from our home town. What resonated within me long after I woke, were the smiles and the absolute sense of 'happy' I felt running into these people-I-once-knew.

In my dream, I invited them into my world and they were so pleased to be asked. I awoke and was reminded of the four and a half decades of my life when I was the one sitting on the sidelines, just hoping to be invited 'in' to someone else's world.

The neat thing about my dream, is the characters within. The first names of my school friend and family acquaintance were the very same first names of the last two people I went out with. Coincidence? Subconscious thoughts? No correlation what-so-ever? Who knows?

I do know it inspired me to reach out to a group of friends I once worked with before my day officially began.

Early morning thoughts take me where I most-need-to-go that day.

Then again, my early brain isn't all it used to be.

Yesterday morning, I looked at the sweater/cardigan combo I had decided to wear for the day. I got dressed and the sweater (which was to go on, underneath the cardigan) was still hanging there. What the heck? I looked down and I had my bra and cardigan on. Nothing else. Thank goodness I saw my sweater still sitting there. What if I had opened the door dressed this way??

Perhaps there is a reason life intervenes and helps me decipher the good from the not-so-good ideas that start my day. Perhaps there is a reason I should have a mirror reflect what I am putting out into the world. Perhaps there is a reason for every little thing that takes us where we are destined to go. Perhaps I should have stopped writing two paragraphs ago.

Listen to your early morning thoughts. Look at the reflection of what you are sending out into your day. Trust you are where you are exactly where you are meant to be today.

Go out and make yourself smile today. Chances are, you will bring along a friend or two.

Living in a Snow Globe

I have finally stumbled across one of the perks of winter. Hibernation mode!

The weekend forecast for Our Fair City was 'snow'. Lots of it. After a day of light rain on Friday, the snow was scheduled to fall. And it did.

The first thing I did was run out and get groceries Friday night. One can never be too prepared for winter. No, I didn't stock up on junk food like I did last week, but I did get milk and other staples required to get us through the upcoming week.

It was a glorious thing, to wake up Saturday morning and know I had no where to go, nothing to do and no expectations.

I sat down and 'played' with all-things-reunion. All day. I have hundreds of photos and scads of video footage. It took a day, but I believe I have wrapped up our reunion in a nice, neat package to be brought out and enjoyed again and again.

Meanwhile, it snowed. And snowed. And snowed. All day.

Finally I looked up from the computer screen and gazed out into our winter wonderland and realized I would have to shovel that white pixie dust off of the sidewalks and driveway.

I had forewarned my Youngest Son that we would divide and conquer the task at hand. But I decided to 'shovel a path' to the garage (and maybe the deck) first.

It was beautiful outside. Yes, the wind was blowing with great gusto. Yes, it was still snowing. Yes, I was still in my pajamas so I was not dressed to stay out longer than my flimsy night wear (it was just that kind of day) would allow. Yes, it was pitch black outside so none of the neighbors could witness my attire.

I never did get cold.

I shovelled. And shovelled. And shovelled. And shovelled some more. And then even more than that. There was a lot of snow!!

But it was the most blissful place in the world. Outside. Alone. Having a one-on-one with Mother Nature.

It was as if the entire city was hibernating. There was not one foot print in the snow. It was like everyone was waiting until tomorrow to deal with the aftermath of our massive snowfall. Only a few vehicles drove past the house while I was outside. 

I felt so alone, yet surrounded in the knowledge that I wasn't. I was just the only one who ventured out at that time of the night to play in the snow.

I didn't look at the clock when I left the house (to shovel a path to the garage). All I know is was after 8:30 p.m. (because I had given Senior Cat his nightly medication). I got back inside at 10:30.

I worked my brain all day and my body 'all' night. 

I did everything I did, by choice. Not obligation . I could have just as easily sat and had a 'Cat Day', watching movies. But I didn't. 

I immersed myself in memories and had a memorable day. All the while, it was snowing. It was as if I was encased in the beauty of a snow globe. No way in. No way out. But there wasn't a place on earth I would have rather been.

The best part of the day was going to bed that night, knowing the following day was going to be exactly the same.

I did it all over again, but I did it differently. The house is decorated for Christmas and I did some dejunking, dusting and vacuuming along the way.

I like hibernation mode. I like Christmas lights. The benefit of our prolonged darkness is the enjoyment factor of the Christmas lights. I feel twinkly inside when I pad around the house doing everything-I-normally-do, by the light of our Christmas lights.

I feel a little bit of Christmas stirring within my heart. And I think I like it. Most especially these days, because 'shopping from home' has never been easier.

It was a very good weekend for a snowfall. 

My Official Plunge Into the Christmas Season

Thoughts of Christmas have been bombarding me this morning. It isn't due to advertising, Christmas music or as a result of being bombarded by all-things-Christmas. It is as a result of reading my good (virtual) friend, Glennon's post http://momastery.com/blog/2014/11/17/momasterys-2014-holiday-gift-guide/ 

The Melton Family has all of their gift-buying done by the end of November, to clear up the entire month of December for absorbing the goodness of the season, making memories versus frantically crossing items off to-do-lists and running to the mall.

I read that and thought "I want that too!"

That was three days ago. I have done absolutely nothing to work my way toward that end goal. The end of November is now nine days away. I woke up this morning thinking "I can do it!"

Why not? In this world of on-line shopping and the magic of what-I-can order and create on the computer should make this a walk in the park. Or at least a plunge into a snowbank. I'm not sure which.

Why not try? I can write out my list, check it twice, decide what combination of creativity, out-and-out spending and gift cards can create the gifts I most want to give.

I am not a giver of great gifts. I am a giver of thoughtful ideas.

To me, the gift of words is the best gift I could hope to receive. I want for nothing. I have the means to purchase the necessities of life and when it comes to that-which-is-non-essential, I kind of like the game of playing with all of the what-if scenarios as I bounce ideas back and forth within my head without spending a penny (or a nickel, now that pennies are out of circulation).

So this is the foundation of most of what I give to those I know best.

I need to focus on a few defined 'themes' in order to give what I want to give. Words. It is all about the words to me.

I like to supplement that with gift cards I can distribute on a whim. Gifts which are given with absolutely no intent of receiving something in return are my most favorite gifts of all.

The theme of the year I just spent has been "It's not what my family and friends can do for me. It's what I can do for my friends and family."

It has been a most excellent year despite the heart ache and loss. Knowing what we can lose has made holding onto and making the most of what we have even more special.

And so begins my official plunge into the Christmas Season of 2014. It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.

And (I can't believe I'm saying this) it feels good.

At Ground Zero

Although I pay off my credit card every month, my balance owing is a revolving one. I already have new charges racked up before I receive my statement. So even though the balance is paid in full, it is never at zero.

An interesting new phenomenon has happened the past few weeks. My credit card has stayed out of action a little bit more than usual, I paid a little bit extra (not knowing what the upcoming few months have in store financially) and my balance is sitting nice and still. At 'zero'.

Zero is my most favorite number.

I like need to 'balance to zero' in all things. Penny outages do not exist in my bank book. If I am out two cents, I look for it. In my bookkeeping world, perfection in numbers is attainable and necessary. When dealing with my family's reunion and history book funds, I was meticulous in my bookkeeping and I couldn't rest easy until I had my books balanced to zero from every which way I looked at them.

Zero is my rest and restart number.

You balance to zero and start all over again. Numbers and life are not static. They are ever-changing and evolving. Some days and months peak and others run at a deficit. But in the end, when all is right in the world, it balances back to zero.

Zero is where I am at right now.

I looked at the 'zero' balance on my credit card statements and I felt at peace. There has been much activity on those cards lately. They reflect what is going on in within my world. With much spending, comes much activity. Whether the money is spent on things seen or unseen, that rocky credit card balance tells me I am buying gas for the car, groceries for our cupboards, dining out with friends, feeding and taking care of our cat's needs and the needs of our home and the people within it.

I feel like 'all is tended to' at the moment.

My need for quiet, to rest and recharge has been running at a deficit for a while. Three days ago, I hit a crescendo and I could go no further. I stopped. Thankfully 'the world' stopped with me. Two uncommitted evenings at home (with many more in the future) reset the tenuous balance of 'too much' versus 'not enough'. I am balancing somewhere in the middle right now and loving every moment of it.

All is right with my world. I'm sitting back at ground zero again.