Fearless Warriors

Do you ever hear yourself thinking, feeling and saying things you know you have thought, felt and said before and wonder how in the world this new circumstance feels so similar to a past event even though it couldn't be further from where you once were?

If your answer is "no", read no further. This post is not for you. If your answer is "yes", feel free to read on. I may or may not reveal important truths in the paragraphs to come. My fingers haven't written what my brain has figured out yet. I may or may not be in for some surprises myself.

I typed the words my inner self has been feeling into a Google search box this morning. I've been here before. How could something so dissimilar feel the same? I set the words free. Revised them to suit my particular situation better. I searched once again. It was only then, when I finally read the words I was meant to see.

I have been feeling very emotional about a situation lately. In order to manage my own thoughts, I have been talking. I usually hear my answers when I set my words free and hear them outside my head.

I kept hearing other people's words instead. Disbelief. Suggestions. Direction. It sounded simple. Just do "this" or "that" or "the other thing". I kept revising my story in an attempt to reveal the other side of the story. The answer isn't that simple, I would respond time and time again.

I finally heard part of my truth when I started thinking "By not saying anything, I am perpetuating the behaviour that is breaking my soul". I knew I had to come up with a tactic to stop or divert the energy I have been absorbing and turn it around.

Then the day unfolded. I felt powerless. I felt weak. I felt defeated. How can I keep going back into the arena when I don't have a means of defense in place?

I feel like Rocky Balboa. I keep standing up. I keep going back. I feel bruised and battered but I warrior on.

My opponent is waging their own battle. I thought and continue to think that their ability to stand up and go back into the arena is quite possibly harder than the battle I'm having. They are very likely feeling as powerless and defeated as I am, thus they are waging the war of their lifetime.

No one can know what another person is going through. I try. Oh, how I try. I try to put myself in their shoes. I try to borrow the shoes of another fearless warrior and put what I have learned and I try harder.

I tried. I know enough to not fan the flame. I cannot make it worse. But I cannot continue down this path.

This morning, I searched the words that were in my heart. I didn't find an answer. The only thing I found was a revised perspective.

These words: "Rather than interpret this as personal, try to see them for what it is — signs of unbearable suffering."

That is exactly what I was feeling. I was trying my darndest not to take it personally and had been doing okay with that until recently. "Unbearable suffering" ...

This is definitely a post I must walk away from before I hit the "Publish" button. I don't have the whole story. I still don't have a plan. I just hope I have the strength to reroute whatever may come my way today with a renewed perspective and a different vocabulary running through my thoughts.