Ahhh, "hard things" have been done. I have kept my promise to myself and done some "extra curricular moving" six out of the past six days. I have washed my hair. I have done a load of laundry. I have made my son's "sixth last lunch" of his public school career. Now I get to sit down with my coffee and enjoy this early (but late) Friday morning sensation before my daycare crowd starts filing in.
What have I learned this week?
Getting up at 4:52 a.m. is possible and an easy habit to form. This works best if I get to bed around 8:00 p.m. Is this goal attainable on a long term basis if I allow "real life" (i.e. friends and a social life of any sort) to join this move to regain some of my physical fitness?
Washing my hair is still the hardest job I have on my must-be-done list. This is crazy. I would rather mow the lawn than wash my hair. I would rather sift tree debris out of the sand box than wash my hair. I would rather exercise than wash my hair. I would rather clean a closet than wash my hair. I think I need an "easier to maintain" look if I am going to continue down this "fitness" route. Moving in a fashion to challenge my body may require sweating. I hate sweating. It is uncomfortable and icky. And it requires a shower and washing my hair. Yes, I think I need to try to work out some deal with my hair.
Exercise, like writing is FREE. I have expended no extra cash outlay in this challenge to move myself more. Other than an up and coming appointment to get my hair cut (which was going to happen regardless), the only extra expense I can foresee is some hair product to help me manage the mane on my head without spending a half hour taming it into submission.
I am not certain but I am pretty sure that I am feeling happier than I did without this morning goal of pushing myself out of bed with a mission to move. Laying in bed wishing it was Sunday six days out of seven is not a good way to live a life. I haven't wished it to be Sunday morning all week. I haven't given myself enough time to lay and mope about the fact that it is not yet Sunday. I just get out of bed one foot at a time. And move. And this is good.
Has this early morning unclogged my word source? Has it motivated me in any other facets of my life? Am I thinking clearer and more focused? Am I meeting the challenges in my day in a more positive manner?
Rome wasn't built in a day, nor does lasting transition happen by changing one action for six days. But I can say that I can see a slight change for the better in "all of the above".
These are small steps. But they are steps in a forward direction. I just have to keep moving. One step at a time.
Friday, June 10, 2016
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Walking Adventures
I'm feeling a little tapped out after five days of waking early enough to walk for an hour before my work day begins. I really just wanted to stay home this morning but my body was ready to wake up with my alarm so I took it out for a walk to appease it.
It was warm and muggy outside. These are the conditions I hoped to avoid by walking at 5:00 a.m., so I cut myself some slack and only made myself walk a half hour this morning. A half hour is better than nothing. And walking in sauna like conditions must count for something, right?
So here I sit. Just a tiny bit weary and the enthusiasm I felt when I started out on this "moving" habit is waning. I guess it is time to change it up a bit. I need to incorporate some form of exercise into this moving business. I'll check into that later.
After I had walked three hours in three days and dealt with the repercussions of that decision (a blister on the callus on my bunion and numb hands at the end of my walk) on day four (moleskin is AMAZING for minor foot ailments and holding my hands up to waist level as I walk cured my tingling hands), I couldn't help but think of the trek my brother is about to set out on.
My brother has made the fully conscious decision to walk the "West Coast Trail" with a friend of his next week. What is the West Coast Trail you ask? I googled it and I came up with my very own definition: A week long trek in miserable walking conditions where you have to pack and carry everything you need to eat, sleep on and in, wear and maintain yourself for a week. Oh yes, and your travel mates may be bears or cougars.The absolutely only consolation prize I could find for this trek without a bed or room service, is that there are some bathroom facilities (I can only imagine how rustic) sprinkled along the path. There is really no consolation prize. There are NO outhouses along the way. Only at designated campsites.
I walked for four hours in four days, without carrying a thing and I had to come up with remedies to make walking the next day possible. All I can think of is the condition my feet were in, after walking the Strip in Las Vegas with my sister. I can't remember how many hours we logged that day but my tender, blistered toes could not tolerate being enclosed by a shoe the next morning. What if we had been camped out on the West Coast Trail where we couldn't catch a bus to try and find some open toed sandals for me to wear home? I highly doubt they would send in a helicopter because of blistered toes. But then again, if you were running for your life (I am kidding - you are never supposed to RUN from a bear or cougar. You are supposed to move very slowly), the last thing one would have on their mind was their sore feet.
Carrying a back pack, with a week load full of food, supplies and accommodations makes me think of my flyer route days. The days when I packed up to fifty pounds of newspapers on my back and delivered them. At least I had the reward of lightening my load along the way. These guys? The only lightening of their load will be the food they eat. They must carry all garbage back with them. And water? I read of "water purification kits" that they could pack along. I don't think it would be possible to carry a week's worth of water on their back, so this must be the route they must take. My stomach does a slight turn at the thought of "water purification gone awry" and ending up with a dire stomach ailment that may not make it to the next outhouse along their way.
They will have to walk no matter what the conditions are. They won't have the choice to "come home early" because it is muggy outside. Or too hot. Or too cold. Or too anything. They get to choose their pace and it is recommended to choose a pace where you can enjoy the sights you see along the way. As I dodge caterpillars and webs hanging from overgrown trees as I walk down the city streets, I simply cannot imagine seeing much beyond the immediate peril I was avoiding at any given moment in time.
One would think there must be a huge financial reward and compensation for enduring this ordeal. Right? I got paid for delivering flyers. The pay rate for staying safe, fed and able to walk for a week without any of the creature comforts of home must come with a pay back. Right? WRONG! All costs come out of their own pocket. Not only that, but they are incurring costs to fly out to go on this adventure and using up valuable vacation time from their places of employment. I don't understand this. Who would make this conscious, expensive, well thought out and calculated decision? My brother and his buddy. That's who.
I would like to know the rigors of preparing for a trek like this one. Surely a day walking The Strip in Vegas wouldn't count, would it? But it is the only thing I can imagine that could compare (with the added bonus of carrying the equivalent of a full load of flyers on my back, that I didn't get to deliver to anyone).
I'm sure my brother has all contingencies well thought out in advance. He has been in training for this for quite some time and I'm certain his body, mind and soul are all ready and set to go. He sounds like he is ready to meet this challenge head on. And that, he will.
My only advice? Pack blister bandages and moleskin padding. And don't let your arms dangle while you are walking. That is all I know for sure.
I can't wait to hear the rest of this story upon my brother's return to civilization. I'm sure there will be a "book" in there somewhere. I just hope he takes good notes along the way. One other suggestion? Pack something so you can record your thoughts as you make your way. Yours is a story I would really like to hear!
It was warm and muggy outside. These are the conditions I hoped to avoid by walking at 5:00 a.m., so I cut myself some slack and only made myself walk a half hour this morning. A half hour is better than nothing. And walking in sauna like conditions must count for something, right?
So here I sit. Just a tiny bit weary and the enthusiasm I felt when I started out on this "moving" habit is waning. I guess it is time to change it up a bit. I need to incorporate some form of exercise into this moving business. I'll check into that later.
After I had walked three hours in three days and dealt with the repercussions of that decision (a blister on the callus on my bunion and numb hands at the end of my walk) on day four (moleskin is AMAZING for minor foot ailments and holding my hands up to waist level as I walk cured my tingling hands), I couldn't help but think of the trek my brother is about to set out on.
My brother has made the fully conscious decision to walk the "West Coast Trail" with a friend of his next week. What is the West Coast Trail you ask? I googled it and I came up with my very own definition: A week long trek in miserable walking conditions where you have to pack and carry everything you need to eat, sleep on and in, wear and maintain yourself for a week. Oh yes, and your travel mates may be bears or cougars.
I walked for four hours in four days, without carrying a thing and I had to come up with remedies to make walking the next day possible. All I can think of is the condition my feet were in, after walking the Strip in Las Vegas with my sister. I can't remember how many hours we logged that day but my tender, blistered toes could not tolerate being enclosed by a shoe the next morning. What if we had been camped out on the West Coast Trail where we couldn't catch a bus to try and find some open toed sandals for me to wear home? I highly doubt they would send in a helicopter because of blistered toes. But then again, if you were running for your life (I am kidding - you are never supposed to RUN from a bear or cougar. You are supposed to move very slowly), the last thing one would have on their mind was their sore feet.
Carrying a back pack, with a week load full of food, supplies and accommodations makes me think of my flyer route days. The days when I packed up to fifty pounds of newspapers on my back and delivered them. At least I had the reward of lightening my load along the way. These guys? The only lightening of their load will be the food they eat. They must carry all garbage back with them. And water? I read of "water purification kits" that they could pack along. I don't think it would be possible to carry a week's worth of water on their back, so this must be the route they must take. My stomach does a slight turn at the thought of "water purification gone awry" and ending up with a dire stomach ailment that may not make it to the next outhouse along their way.
They will have to walk no matter what the conditions are. They won't have the choice to "come home early" because it is muggy outside. Or too hot. Or too cold. Or too anything. They get to choose their pace and it is recommended to choose a pace where you can enjoy the sights you see along the way. As I dodge caterpillars and webs hanging from overgrown trees as I walk down the city streets, I simply cannot imagine seeing much beyond the immediate peril I was avoiding at any given moment in time.
One would think there must be a huge financial reward and compensation for enduring this ordeal. Right? I got paid for delivering flyers. The pay rate for staying safe, fed and able to walk for a week without any of the creature comforts of home must come with a pay back. Right? WRONG! All costs come out of their own pocket. Not only that, but they are incurring costs to fly out to go on this adventure and using up valuable vacation time from their places of employment. I don't understand this. Who would make this conscious, expensive, well thought out and calculated decision? My brother and his buddy. That's who.
I would like to know the rigors of preparing for a trek like this one. Surely a day walking The Strip in Vegas wouldn't count, would it? But it is the only thing I can imagine that could compare (with the added bonus of carrying the equivalent of a full load of flyers on my back, that I didn't get to deliver to anyone).
I'm sure my brother has all contingencies well thought out in advance. He has been in training for this for quite some time and I'm certain his body, mind and soul are all ready and set to go. He sounds like he is ready to meet this challenge head on. And that, he will.
My only advice? Pack blister bandages and moleskin padding. And don't let your arms dangle while you are walking. That is all I know for sure.
I can't wait to hear the rest of this story upon my brother's return to civilization. I'm sure there will be a "book" in there somewhere. I just hope he takes good notes along the way. One other suggestion? Pack something so you can record your thoughts as you make your way. Yours is a story I would really like to hear!
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Putting on the Miles
I am finally starting to give my Fitbit a little bit of a run for its money. "Walk" may be the better way to phrase that but "movement" is key. I am only three days in but I'm doing it. I'm on the move again.
I started on a Sunday which is a minor miracle in and of itself. Thanks to hearing my sister say (once, most likely twenty or thirty years ago) that she always started [whatever she set out to do] on "Monday". I heard it once and I adopted that motto as my own. That is why starting something on a Sunday is so amazing to me.
It was already warm outside by the time I made my mind up to start moving. But I moved anyway. I called my cousin to see if she would like to join me but (I found out later) she was already out walking her dog (and much smarter than me, because she returned before it got too hot outside). I walked anyway. I set a goal of walking for an hour. And that is exactly what I did.
I vowed there and then that walking when it is cool outside is key. Starting the day out by walking sounded like a perfect habit for me to start. So when my alarm went off at eight minutes before five o'clock Monday morning, I hopped out of bed and was out the door by 5:01 a.m. I was home shortly after 6:00 a.m. and sitting outside with the cats shortly thereafter (they seem to think if I get to go out and play in the morning, they should be able to do the same).
I sat outside, wrote Mom a letter and by the time my daycare day began I felt like I had sufficient "me" time and I was ready, willing and able to face the day. Having done "hard things" first thing in the morning, I seemed to be mentally capable of tacking the day head on and game to add a few more "hard things" onto my plate.
I initiated a little bit of communication and was rewarded with a most excellent visit when one person responded to my email by phoning me. It has been a challenge simply responding to emails and picking up a ringing phone lately, so to actually be the one initiating contact is a very big deal. I stepped outside my comfort zone and invited people in. It is small but it is so big for me right now.
I submitted my columns while the kids slept yesterday and got that monumental task off my plate for another month or so. In doing so, I made the decision to "just keep writing" after all the back and forth and conflicted feelings I have been having about that lately. Not only that, I plan to start amassing some of my writing together in one place and seeing if I can organize it into something interesting.
I culled through my closets (the downfall of moving my bedroom is that I ended up with two closets) on Sunday and ended up with MORE clothes than I started with. How could this happen you ask? That would be due to the fact that my sisters have been dropping off some clothes I may be interested in keeping which has resulted in a rather massive excess. I tried to get rid of as much as I kept but I'm not sure if I succeeded. None the less, I have sorted through my closets and drawers and have two bags of donations left over. Not bad for an hour's work.
I haven't made the time to cull through more than my clothes, though I did fill another big bag with toys that are never played with. Fifteen minutes at a time. Small steps. Steps in a forward direction. Anything at all is better than sitting still and doing nothing.
My "nothing", wind down and recharge time is still vital to my existence. So last night, when I had done all that needed to be done I ceremoniously climbed into my pajamas and fell asleep shortly thereafter. Waking up at 4:52 a.m. requires an early to bed time. My body was happy to comply.
I woke up before my alarm once again this morning and walked another hour before I set my morning routines into action. The cats insisted we sit out in the back yard again and they were happy to entertain me and keep me moving as I tried to convince both of them to come inside at the same time. I would catch one, put him inside then he would dart out and escape the minute I caught his buddy and tried to put him inside. It was a "whack-a-mole" game of Keep Both Cats In the House at the Same Time.
My Fitbit tells me I have logged seventeen miles since Sunday and the day is young. My body felt a little sluggish and tired this morning but the right muscles were complaining. My calf muscles were telling me they were "happy" to be put to use again. I'm gaining a blister on a callus on one of my bunions which could get ugly if I keep pushing it. My hands go numb when I walk so maybe I need to get a little "power walk" thing going, by raising my hands up to my waist level and do the "professional power walker move". My back is feeling weird but goes away when I walk so I guess it is telling me to "walk it off". I am very conscious about the fact I don't want to injure anything. I just want to get moving and get my heart pumping a little faster.
Other than those few minor body ailments, my head is feeling happier and healthier. My thoughts are feeling lighter, more positive and realigned with the stars.
I am only three days in to this minor life renovation but it feels so right, so familiar and so life affirming that I think I can do three more. Motion begets more motion. Action begets further action. Movement in any way, shape or form when you are coming out of a catatonic state of inactivity is a very good step in a forward direction. I'm going to keep following this path. It feels like it is going to head me in the right direction.
I started on a Sunday which is a minor miracle in and of itself. Thanks to hearing my sister say (once, most likely twenty or thirty years ago) that she always started [whatever she set out to do] on "Monday". I heard it once and I adopted that motto as my own. That is why starting something on a Sunday is so amazing to me.
It was already warm outside by the time I made my mind up to start moving. But I moved anyway. I called my cousin to see if she would like to join me but (I found out later) she was already out walking her dog (and much smarter than me, because she returned before it got too hot outside). I walked anyway. I set a goal of walking for an hour. And that is exactly what I did.
I vowed there and then that walking when it is cool outside is key. Starting the day out by walking sounded like a perfect habit for me to start. So when my alarm went off at eight minutes before five o'clock Monday morning, I hopped out of bed and was out the door by 5:01 a.m. I was home shortly after 6:00 a.m. and sitting outside with the cats shortly thereafter (they seem to think if I get to go out and play in the morning, they should be able to do the same).
I sat outside, wrote Mom a letter and by the time my daycare day began I felt like I had sufficient "me" time and I was ready, willing and able to face the day. Having done "hard things" first thing in the morning, I seemed to be mentally capable of tacking the day head on and game to add a few more "hard things" onto my plate.
I initiated a little bit of communication and was rewarded with a most excellent visit when one person responded to my email by phoning me. It has been a challenge simply responding to emails and picking up a ringing phone lately, so to actually be the one initiating contact is a very big deal. I stepped outside my comfort zone and invited people in. It is small but it is so big for me right now.
I submitted my columns while the kids slept yesterday and got that monumental task off my plate for another month or so. In doing so, I made the decision to "just keep writing" after all the back and forth and conflicted feelings I have been having about that lately. Not only that, I plan to start amassing some of my writing together in one place and seeing if I can organize it into something interesting.
I culled through my closets (the downfall of moving my bedroom is that I ended up with two closets) on Sunday and ended up with MORE clothes than I started with. How could this happen you ask? That would be due to the fact that my sisters have been dropping off some clothes I may be interested in keeping which has resulted in a rather massive excess. I tried to get rid of as much as I kept but I'm not sure if I succeeded. None the less, I have sorted through my closets and drawers and have two bags of donations left over. Not bad for an hour's work.
I haven't made the time to cull through more than my clothes, though I did fill another big bag with toys that are never played with. Fifteen minutes at a time. Small steps. Steps in a forward direction. Anything at all is better than sitting still and doing nothing.
My "nothing", wind down and recharge time is still vital to my existence. So last night, when I had done all that needed to be done I ceremoniously climbed into my pajamas and fell asleep shortly thereafter. Waking up at 4:52 a.m. requires an early to bed time. My body was happy to comply.
I woke up before my alarm once again this morning and walked another hour before I set my morning routines into action. The cats insisted we sit out in the back yard again and they were happy to entertain me and keep me moving as I tried to convince both of them to come inside at the same time. I would catch one, put him inside then he would dart out and escape the minute I caught his buddy and tried to put him inside. It was a "whack-a-mole" game of Keep Both Cats In the House at the Same Time.
My Fitbit tells me I have logged seventeen miles since Sunday and the day is young. My body felt a little sluggish and tired this morning but the right muscles were complaining. My calf muscles were telling me they were "happy" to be put to use again. I'm gaining a blister on a callus on one of my bunions which could get ugly if I keep pushing it. My hands go numb when I walk so maybe I need to get a little "power walk" thing going, by raising my hands up to my waist level and do the "professional power walker move". My back is feeling weird but goes away when I walk so I guess it is telling me to "walk it off". I am very conscious about the fact I don't want to injure anything. I just want to get moving and get my heart pumping a little faster.
Other than those few minor body ailments, my head is feeling happier and healthier. My thoughts are feeling lighter, more positive and realigned with the stars.
I am only three days in to this minor life renovation but it feels so right, so familiar and so life affirming that I think I can do three more. Motion begets more motion. Action begets further action. Movement in any way, shape or form when you are coming out of a catatonic state of inactivity is a very good step in a forward direction. I'm going to keep following this path. It feels like it is going to head me in the right direction.
Then I came home to find my Tuesday morning email from "Project Happiness" sitting in my Inbox. How incredibly fitting.
What matters most is the spirit of the work. How are you spending your time? Is the way you're living your days in line with what's most important to you in your life?
"Go into the world and do well. But more importantly, go into the world and do good." ~Minor Myer
"Go into the world and do well. But more importantly, go into the world and do good." ~Minor Myer
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Less Stuff
I have been hanging out here this morning: http://www.projecthappiness.org/project-happiness-blog/
I have been wandering through "whatever speaks to me" over at this site and finding my way through the mire of my deep, dark thoughts a lot this past while. These articles are exactly what I need to read right now.
I woke up to a Sunday with all of the "hard stuff" done. The lawn is mowed, my hair is clean, groceries have been bought, all of my extra-curricular spending has been "paid in full" and I have miraculously ended up in the black. And it is SUNDAY!! Yay!!!
I don't know what to do first. Go for a long, brisk walk? Sit out in the sun with our cats? Start digging through one closet or area of the house to try to lighten the load of the excess that has accumulated while my back was turned? Or all of the above.
The key is to do something. I gave myself an entire Sunday to melt into the couch last week. I have nurtured myself with garbage food and mindless TV. Now it is time to "walk it off", let my thoughts waft through my mind while I walk a good walk, While I am walking, I will make a plan to get rid of some of the excess (again!) around here. I will end my day in the back yard with a good book and our cats.
The time to get started is NOW.
I have been wandering through "whatever speaks to me" over at this site and finding my way through the mire of my deep, dark thoughts a lot this past while. These articles are exactly what I need to read right now.
I woke up to a Sunday with all of the "hard stuff" done. The lawn is mowed, my hair is clean, groceries have been bought, all of my extra-curricular spending has been "paid in full" and I have miraculously ended up in the black. And it is SUNDAY!! Yay!!!
I don't know what to do first. Go for a long, brisk walk? Sit out in the sun with our cats? Start digging through one closet or area of the house to try to lighten the load of the excess that has accumulated while my back was turned? Or all of the above.
The key is to do something. I gave myself an entire Sunday to melt into the couch last week. I have nurtured myself with garbage food and mindless TV. Now it is time to "walk it off", let my thoughts waft through my mind while I walk a good walk, While I am walking, I will make a plan to get rid of some of the excess (again!) around here. I will end my day in the back yard with a good book and our cats.
The time to get started is NOW.
The theme of today is:
“Joy is not in things; it is in us.” ~Richard Wagner
We don’t hang on to things; we hang on to emotions attached to those things…as you move through your day today, ask yourself, “Does this bring me joy?” This is a simple yet incredibly powerful question to ask about all the the ‘stuff’ in your life…
Saturday, June 4, 2016
Letter to Self (from a Sixty Year Old Me)
Dear Fifty Five Year Old You,
I am writing this letter to you four and a half years in advance of you turning sixty years old. I am writing it to you this morning because I'm a little disgusted and disappointed in "55 Year Old You" and I think you need a good talking to. This may not be pretty. You have been warned.
I am very disappointed in you lately. If I didn't know who you were and where you have been, I would call you a "quitter". Heavens, I can't even call you a quitter because lately you have been too afraid, paralyzed &/or lazy to even start anything.
I know, I know. Once you start, you feel committed. Once you feel committed to something, you start beating yourself up. Relentlessly. You think you can't start something because you don't have a whole big chunk of time to devote to the job. So you don't start anything.
This has got to end. You know that. You know the answer is to simply take small bites out of big jobs and whittle away at them. You know this! Why aren't you acting on it? I know, I know! You are tired. Your daycare days are long. Your weekends are short. How can you do "big things" when you have so little left over at the end of the day?
If you keep this up, by the time you hit the age of sixty you will want to abandon this ship and this home you have created because there is always "too much to do". Isn't this home everything you ever wanted? Hasn't this house enabled you to work from home and adapted to whatever you wanted it to do for you? Hasn't the ability to pay "interest only" on your mortgage allowed you to pay your bills, live a comfortable life and given you more financial freedom than renting an apartment could ever afford you?
This house is so much more than a roof over your head. It sustains you. It shelters you from the harsh elements of life in so many ways more than the weather. Respect it, take care of it, pamper it a little from time to time and it will continue to be there for you. And please, please, please try to pay it off!
Speaking of houses, I have no idea why I started this rant about "where you are" and "where I want you to go" with the house. I should have started with this body that is going to carry us from Point A to Point B. If I think you've let the house that shelters us go to pot, what in the world do you think I think about the way you are treating our body? How in the world is this vessel going to weather stormy weather if you don't smarten up and take better care of it?
As it is with the house, it is with our body. Start small. Rome wasn't built in a day. Fifteen minutes isn't long. Start there. Fifteen minutes of extra curricular movement. Yes, I know you think your daycare life is keeping you from turning to stone. But it isn't challenging you. You need to stretch and move and lift and get your heart pumping faster. You know this. But you aren't doing anything about it.
Start with an early morning walk. Rain or shine or sleet or hail. Walk. Just walk! Remember how awesome you felt when you took on those early morning paper routes? Walking the streets of your neighborhood while "the world" slept? You marvelled at the Northern lights, the glistening snow, the sounds of silence and nature. You thought. The words flowed in and out and through you. You came home revitalized, energized and motivated. You loved that time. Skip the paper route, take on the walks. Start there. Add and change things up as you go along. But you must BEGIN. You must. Your life depends upon it.
While I'm at it, you must nourish yourself with good food. What you feed your body fuels your brain and your brain is acting starved lately. Give it some good, solid fuel to work with and you may be amazed that your ability to think, act decisively and "do hard things". This is half the work you thought it was when you were spending your life binge watching the Gilmore Girls on the couch, with a can of Pringles at your side. Replace the Pringles with almonds. Make good meals and you may be amazed that you may fuel the appetite of others. "If you make it they will come."
I've sat back and watched you wither yourself away into a shadow of who you are capable of being. You do not have to do great things at all times but you do need to follow your passions. When you deny yourself the ability to dream big and chase a few of those dreams you become small and your world becomes smaller. You know your world is shrinking. You think you like this feeling right now. I want you to look outside of your smallness and do uncomfortable things again. Invite people into your life.
You need to look out the window and let the world inside. You are lonely and you don't even know it. You think you don't have enough of yourself to spread out any thinner than you already are. You have been here before and you will be here again. Writing is where it is at for you. If you are too tired, too fearful and too stuck in your ruts, WRITE! Send emails, letters, cards and write little notes to those who have made an impact. Write! Write! Write! This is the way out of your small world. It is a beginning.
Judging by the dreams you have been having lately, you are feeling very aware of Mom's mortality. In some ways, you feel like you are "channelling Mom" in the ways you have slowed yourself down, felt overly attached to this house and subconsciously made your world such a small one. I think you are trying to understand exactly what she is feeling by mirroring her world within your own. STOP IT! Stop it right now!! Instead, focus on "who Mom was" when she was the age you are at right now.
When Mom was this age, she was faced with her new reality after Dad's heart attack. He never came home again. I think of Mom when she was going through that time and she was strong. She simply kept taking the next forward step during a time where she must have felt completely in limbo. We marvelled at how young Mom was at age 65 and all the memories her grandchildren had of their very untypical grandma. Yes, Mom was (and still is) a force to be reckoned with. Her family and her home were (and still are) everything to her. Yes, she has slowed down. Yes, her body is starting to wear out. No, she will not live forever. That scares you, doesn't it? Ya, me too.
We don't know what life is going to hand us in between "now" and "five years from now". You simply cannot spend your time focused on that uncertainty. Take the lessons you learned from "loving André" and pay them forward.
You are at a crossroads right now. Your children are adults and on their way. Some are further down the road than others but never forget how you feel towards your own Mom because that feeling is one you want to nurture with your own children. We have a good, solid foundation. Just keep building.
You have some amazing friendships and relationships within your world. Don't neglect them. Even when you think you don't have time, you can always make time to send off a note or card or email. Keep those connections alive. They nourish and sustain you.
Take a chance. One chance at a time. You have become a shell of who you used to be. You know it. You are disappointed in yourself right now but this is not the end of your story. Even though (at the moment) you wouldn't care if it was.
Yes, you are tired. You are tired because you are not involved in creating your own story. You are sitting dormant, waiting for life to happen. When "life happens" it is like a slap on the face. You react. You feel indignant. You recoil then rebound. You always rebound. How about not waiting for a "slap in the face" this time? You have the power to live life out loud without being slapped into it.
Feed your body, mind and soul with fresh air, good food and positive input.
Walk. START by walking.
Write. Never stop writing. It is where you find your answers, your inspiration and your dreams.
Love. Open your heart up and take a chance again.
I want to read these words in four and a half years and say "YES! YES!! and YES!!!". I did it. I made changes. I pushed myself out of that rut and into a new and improved one. Most of all I want you to believe "Life does go on regardless of how you live it. Live it well!"
See you in the future my weary friend. You have everything you need inside of you. And if it isn't inside of you, it is here within your home, your heart and those who touch your world. Stay connected, my friend. Stop, look, listen with your heart. You will find your way. You aren't lost. You just haven't found the right highway yet.
You will find your Field of Dreams, my friend. "If you build it, they will come" ...
To be continued.
I am writing this letter to you four and a half years in advance of you turning sixty years old. I am writing it to you this morning because I'm a little disgusted and disappointed in "55 Year Old You" and I think you need a good talking to. This may not be pretty. You have been warned.
I am very disappointed in you lately. If I didn't know who you were and where you have been, I would call you a "quitter". Heavens, I can't even call you a quitter because lately you have been too afraid, paralyzed &/or lazy to even start anything.
I know, I know. Once you start, you feel committed. Once you feel committed to something, you start beating yourself up. Relentlessly. You think you can't start something because you don't have a whole big chunk of time to devote to the job. So you don't start anything.
This has got to end. You know that. You know the answer is to simply take small bites out of big jobs and whittle away at them. You know this! Why aren't you acting on it? I know, I know! You are tired. Your daycare days are long. Your weekends are short. How can you do "big things" when you have so little left over at the end of the day?
If you keep this up, by the time you hit the age of sixty you will want to abandon this ship and this home you have created because there is always "too much to do". Isn't this home everything you ever wanted? Hasn't this house enabled you to work from home and adapted to whatever you wanted it to do for you? Hasn't the ability to pay "interest only" on your mortgage allowed you to pay your bills, live a comfortable life and given you more financial freedom than renting an apartment could ever afford you?
This house is so much more than a roof over your head. It sustains you. It shelters you from the harsh elements of life in so many ways more than the weather. Respect it, take care of it, pamper it a little from time to time and it will continue to be there for you. And please, please, please try to pay it off!
Speaking of houses, I have no idea why I started this rant about "where you are" and "where I want you to go" with the house. I should have started with this body that is going to carry us from Point A to Point B. If I think you've let the house that shelters us go to pot, what in the world do you think I think about the way you are treating our body? How in the world is this vessel going to weather stormy weather if you don't smarten up and take better care of it?
As it is with the house, it is with our body. Start small. Rome wasn't built in a day. Fifteen minutes isn't long. Start there. Fifteen minutes of extra curricular movement. Yes, I know you think your daycare life is keeping you from turning to stone. But it isn't challenging you. You need to stretch and move and lift and get your heart pumping faster. You know this. But you aren't doing anything about it.
Start with an early morning walk. Rain or shine or sleet or hail. Walk. Just walk! Remember how awesome you felt when you took on those early morning paper routes? Walking the streets of your neighborhood while "the world" slept? You marvelled at the Northern lights, the glistening snow, the sounds of silence and nature. You thought. The words flowed in and out and through you. You came home revitalized, energized and motivated. You loved that time. Skip the paper route, take on the walks. Start there. Add and change things up as you go along. But you must BEGIN. You must. Your life depends upon it.
While I'm at it, you must nourish yourself with good food. What you feed your body fuels your brain and your brain is acting starved lately. Give it some good, solid fuel to work with and you may be amazed that your ability to think, act decisively and "do hard things". This is half the work you thought it was when you were spending your life binge watching the Gilmore Girls on the couch, with a can of Pringles at your side. Replace the Pringles with almonds. Make good meals and you may be amazed that you may fuel the appetite of others. "If you make it they will come."
I've sat back and watched you wither yourself away into a shadow of who you are capable of being. You do not have to do great things at all times but you do need to follow your passions. When you deny yourself the ability to dream big and chase a few of those dreams you become small and your world becomes smaller. You know your world is shrinking. You think you like this feeling right now. I want you to look outside of your smallness and do uncomfortable things again. Invite people into your life.
You need to look out the window and let the world inside. You are lonely and you don't even know it. You think you don't have enough of yourself to spread out any thinner than you already are. You have been here before and you will be here again. Writing is where it is at for you. If you are too tired, too fearful and too stuck in your ruts, WRITE! Send emails, letters, cards and write little notes to those who have made an impact. Write! Write! Write! This is the way out of your small world. It is a beginning.
Judging by the dreams you have been having lately, you are feeling very aware of Mom's mortality. In some ways, you feel like you are "channelling Mom" in the ways you have slowed yourself down, felt overly attached to this house and subconsciously made your world such a small one. I think you are trying to understand exactly what she is feeling by mirroring her world within your own. STOP IT! Stop it right now!! Instead, focus on "who Mom was" when she was the age you are at right now.
When Mom was this age, she was faced with her new reality after Dad's heart attack. He never came home again. I think of Mom when she was going through that time and she was strong. She simply kept taking the next forward step during a time where she must have felt completely in limbo. We marvelled at how young Mom was at age 65 and all the memories her grandchildren had of their very untypical grandma. Yes, Mom was (and still is) a force to be reckoned with. Her family and her home were (and still are) everything to her. Yes, she has slowed down. Yes, her body is starting to wear out. No, she will not live forever. That scares you, doesn't it? Ya, me too.
We don't know what life is going to hand us in between "now" and "five years from now". You simply cannot spend your time focused on that uncertainty. Take the lessons you learned from "loving André" and pay them forward.
- SAVOR THE MOMENT. Always.
- Make memories, document them. Take pictures, but write. ALWAYS WRITE!
- Let your love shine. Your actions speak louder than words. ACT LOVINGLY.
- Let others know how you feel. SPREAD THE POSITIVE. One positive word goes a long way.
- You will never regret what you have done. DO ALL YOU ARE CAPABLE OF DOING.
You are at a crossroads right now. Your children are adults and on their way. Some are further down the road than others but never forget how you feel towards your own Mom because that feeling is one you want to nurture with your own children. We have a good, solid foundation. Just keep building.
You have some amazing friendships and relationships within your world. Don't neglect them. Even when you think you don't have time, you can always make time to send off a note or card or email. Keep those connections alive. They nourish and sustain you.
Take a chance. One chance at a time. You have become a shell of who you used to be. You know it. You are disappointed in yourself right now but this is not the end of your story. Even though (at the moment) you wouldn't care if it was.
Yes, you are tired. You are tired because you are not involved in creating your own story. You are sitting dormant, waiting for life to happen. When "life happens" it is like a slap on the face. You react. You feel indignant. You recoil then rebound. You always rebound. How about not waiting for a "slap in the face" this time? You have the power to live life out loud without being slapped into it.
Feed your body, mind and soul with fresh air, good food and positive input.
Walk. START by walking.
Write. Never stop writing. It is where you find your answers, your inspiration and your dreams.
Love. Open your heart up and take a chance again.
I want to read these words in four and a half years and say "YES! YES!! and YES!!!". I did it. I made changes. I pushed myself out of that rut and into a new and improved one. Most of all I want you to believe "Life does go on regardless of how you live it. Live it well!"
See you in the future my weary friend. You have everything you need inside of you. And if it isn't inside of you, it is here within your home, your heart and those who touch your world. Stay connected, my friend. Stop, look, listen with your heart. You will find your way. You aren't lost. You just haven't found the right highway yet.
You will find your Field of Dreams, my friend. "If you build it, they will come" ...
To be continued.
Friday, June 3, 2016
The Grass Isn't Any Greener Anywhere But "Here"
The grass is pretty darn green over here in my neck of the woods. After reading an article on "What Stops Us From Being Happy" I hoped I would stumble upon the answers I've been looking for. I stopped in my tracks when I read the part about the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I got my hackles up and declared to myself "No it isn't! My grass is looking pretty fine this year!"
After a few years of controlling the weeds, our grass seems to have take over and choked out the weeds and it is looking the best it has looked since we moved here. Maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe I'm just looking at my world with green colored glasses. But I am very content with the way things look around here.
Yes, there is ongoing maintenance that must be taken care of. New eaves troughs and downspouts for the garage; the house and garage should be painted; the deck and fence could be oiled; and the shingles will need to be replaced sooner than later. This thing called "maintenance" is ongoing and is the bane of my existence.
I have always called our home just another one of my dependents. The sad part about this dependent is that it will never grow up and learn to sustain itself. Then again, maybe this place we call home is earning its keep.
Owning this home and being able to dictate how we use it has allowed me the privilege of being able to open my daycare and earn a living from home. My Internet connection has opened a door and allowed me to write out loud, earn a few dollars and make connections without ever having to take a step out of our home.
I have the luxury of feeling like my bedroom is the equivalent of a hotel suite. I cocoon myself within that little oasis. Every single night I close my eyes and there is something very peaceful that washes over me. That little space I get to call my own within this very "committed" house is all I could ever want.
My youngest son seems to feel the same way about his room. All he ever asked for was to have a window large enough to escape from, in case of fire. It took a while but that wish was finally granted. Not only does he have an escape route, he has two windows to allow more daylight into his downstairs bedroom. He asks for little and is content with what he has.
Our home houses my little daycare family more than sufficiently. I've turned the living room into the main playing zone and my hope to increase the playing area has been thwarted by the kids turning the "quiet room" into the "fighting room". They tend to go by the rule "If she can't see us, we can do what we want to do!" So the more concentrated our playing are, the better.
I would not want a house any larger than the one we have. I wouldn't want to clean, maintain or watch over children in an area any larger than this. I can't envision a space that would work any better for us, than the space we already own.
The only thing I long for is the time and resources to keep what I have clean, well maintained and keep everything we already own in good running condition. I don't need "fancy". I need practical. I don't want hard granite and tile surfaces. I want a "soft place to land" and like our carpet, arborite and vinyl surfaces. I don't need up-to-date and modern anything. I want comfortable and clean.
I love "window shopping" as we walk through our neighborhood and the neighborhoods that surround us. I can't remember the last time I wished for a house I didn't already own. Do I compare and contrast what I have to what others have? Definitely. Other than the fact that "what I have" needs a little maintaining, I want for nothing more.
The grass on the other side of the fence is kind of weedy and overgrown. The grass a few houses away looks pretty fine but I see the time it takes for it to look that way. I have the greenest grass I am capable of having with the least amount of time and input to maintain this look.
I don't have it all. But I have enough. I actually have more than enough. May I never stop feeling as grateful for that as I do this very moment and all the appreciative moments that have preceded it.
May you find your own sun beam and savor all you have in this very moment sometime today. Maybe "what you have" isn't exactly what you want, but it could be a "means to an end" or a temporary stopping ground. Find what it is to you and appreciate that. The more I placed this "grass is greener" scenario within different facets of what I felt as lacking within my world, the more I appreciated "What I have is what I need. Right now." Something to build on is still a very good place to start.
After a few years of controlling the weeds, our grass seems to have take over and choked out the weeds and it is looking the best it has looked since we moved here. Maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe I'm just looking at my world with green colored glasses. But I am very content with the way things look around here.
Yes, there is ongoing maintenance that must be taken care of. New eaves troughs and downspouts for the garage; the house and garage should be painted; the deck and fence could be oiled; and the shingles will need to be replaced sooner than later. This thing called "maintenance" is ongoing and is the bane of my existence.
I have always called our home just another one of my dependents. The sad part about this dependent is that it will never grow up and learn to sustain itself. Then again, maybe this place we call home is earning its keep.
Owning this home and being able to dictate how we use it has allowed me the privilege of being able to open my daycare and earn a living from home. My Internet connection has opened a door and allowed me to write out loud, earn a few dollars and make connections without ever having to take a step out of our home.
I have the luxury of feeling like my bedroom is the equivalent of a hotel suite. I cocoon myself within that little oasis. Every single night I close my eyes and there is something very peaceful that washes over me. That little space I get to call my own within this very "committed" house is all I could ever want.
My youngest son seems to feel the same way about his room. All he ever asked for was to have a window large enough to escape from, in case of fire. It took a while but that wish was finally granted. Not only does he have an escape route, he has two windows to allow more daylight into his downstairs bedroom. He asks for little and is content with what he has.
Our home houses my little daycare family more than sufficiently. I've turned the living room into the main playing zone and my hope to increase the playing area has been thwarted by the kids turning the "quiet room" into the "fighting room". They tend to go by the rule "If she can't see us, we can do what we want to do!" So the more concentrated our playing are, the better.
I would not want a house any larger than the one we have. I wouldn't want to clean, maintain or watch over children in an area any larger than this. I can't envision a space that would work any better for us, than the space we already own.
The only thing I long for is the time and resources to keep what I have clean, well maintained and keep everything we already own in good running condition. I don't need "fancy". I need practical. I don't want hard granite and tile surfaces. I want a "soft place to land" and like our carpet, arborite and vinyl surfaces. I don't need up-to-date and modern anything. I want comfortable and clean.
I love "window shopping" as we walk through our neighborhood and the neighborhoods that surround us. I can't remember the last time I wished for a house I didn't already own. Do I compare and contrast what I have to what others have? Definitely. Other than the fact that "what I have" needs a little maintaining, I want for nothing more.
The grass on the other side of the fence is kind of weedy and overgrown. The grass a few houses away looks pretty fine but I see the time it takes for it to look that way. I have the greenest grass I am capable of having with the least amount of time and input to maintain this look.
I don't have it all. But I have enough. I actually have more than enough. May I never stop feeling as grateful for that as I do this very moment and all the appreciative moments that have preceded it.
May you find your own sun beam and savor all you have in this very moment sometime today. Maybe "what you have" isn't exactly what you want, but it could be a "means to an end" or a temporary stopping ground. Find what it is to you and appreciate that. The more I placed this "grass is greener" scenario within different facets of what I felt as lacking within my world, the more I appreciated "What I have is what I need. Right now." Something to build on is still a very good place to start.
This post has been brought to you by "my very own back yard". This is the vista I have enjoyed while sitting out here in my very own personal sun beam as I wrote. May you find your own sun beam and savor all you have in this very moment some time today.
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Lasting Impressions
As I wrote my final blog post at MyKawartha.com, there was a quiet exhale and a satisfied feeling of being able to wrap this experience up with a bow and call it "good enough". It was a wonderful and satisfying way to make an exit.
I've written for three other papers who have quietly made the decision to make changes with their publication which meant discontinuing my column. I received a politely worded email advising me of the change and my column just faded out of sight like many other seamless changes in the world. No big deal. That is just the way things are.
This time around, I was given permission to either continue writing for the month of May or I could stop immediately. I chose to write. Mostly because I wanted to say "Thank you" and "Good-bye".
When I was a mere column reader, our local paper ran a column which I fully identified with and I couldn't wait to read her weekly stories. They stopped running her column without any reason "why". I missed "Ruthe Stein" (yes, I found her name in among my writing material of the past). I identified with her. She made an impact on me. "She" was the reason I wished out loud that I would like to become a columnist one day.
I never forgot "Ruthe". She was one of those people who, unbeknownst to anyone but myself, made a lasting impact. I like to think all of us walk around completely unaware of some small impact we've made on others.
Every little action causes a ripple. Some ripples are bigger than others. Some ripples are positive, Others cause negative actions and reactions like a tidal wave. As I walk through today I'm going to keep this in mind. These little people I watch over are so sensitive to the "waves" of life. I'll focus on trying to make them positive and easy going.
In the meantime, here is my final "Thank you" and "Good bye" at MyKawartha.com:
http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6700450-thank-you-mykawartha/
I've written for three other papers who have quietly made the decision to make changes with their publication which meant discontinuing my column. I received a politely worded email advising me of the change and my column just faded out of sight like many other seamless changes in the world. No big deal. That is just the way things are.
This time around, I was given permission to either continue writing for the month of May or I could stop immediately. I chose to write. Mostly because I wanted to say "Thank you" and "Good-bye".
When I was a mere column reader, our local paper ran a column which I fully identified with and I couldn't wait to read her weekly stories. They stopped running her column without any reason "why". I missed "Ruthe Stein" (yes, I found her name in among my writing material of the past). I identified with her. She made an impact on me. "She" was the reason I wished out loud that I would like to become a columnist one day.
I never forgot "Ruthe". She was one of those people who, unbeknownst to anyone but myself, made a lasting impact. I like to think all of us walk around completely unaware of some small impact we've made on others.
Every little action causes a ripple. Some ripples are bigger than others. Some ripples are positive, Others cause negative actions and reactions like a tidal wave. As I walk through today I'm going to keep this in mind. These little people I watch over are so sensitive to the "waves" of life. I'll focus on trying to make them positive and easy going.
In the meantime, here is my final "Thank you" and "Good bye" at MyKawartha.com:
http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6700450-thank-you-mykawartha/
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