Yesterday

I had barely written the words: "The windows are dirty, the edging around the lawn could be done, there are weeds to pick, cat hair to vacuum" yesterday morning, when my Youngest Son woke up and took half the chores off my to-do-list, creating the time, motivation and energy to do some of the hard things I have been putting off.

I sweated. I got dirty. I was outside for hours on end. I physically worked. And it was good.

I achieved exactly what I hoped for at the end of my words yesterday. I cleared the slate for the onset of a weekend. 

Thoughts other than math equations, balancing and accounting wafted in and out of my mind. It felt a little bit wonderful to work outside my home office. I will definitely do this more often.

Life is all about balance. I need to balance the numbers with words, the words with thoughts, the thoughts with new input. I woke up this morning with a very good yesterday behind me. I am so ready for a Saturday. 

To be continued.

Today

Yesterday I wrote about my wish for a Math Holiday &/or a Cat Day.  I then proceeded to log another full work day.

Today? My aim is to have a Minimum Requirement Day. I will do what must be done. I will follow the ebbs and the flows of the day while hoping for a day dominant in "ebbs".

The windows are dirty, the edging around the lawn could be done, there are weeds to pick, cat hair to vacuum. After I'm done all work that requires sweating, I will shower and deal with my hair. Even while "ebbing", there is work begging to be done.

I have two books I have started to read. I long to sit still with one of them for hours on end. Neither book is fiction. My most indulgent wish is to loose myself in a fictional story that lifts me up and transports me to the world an author has created.

My goal today is to clear the slate for whatever the weekend may bring. 

I'm Ready for a Math Holiday

All I have been doing lately is working. Work. Work. And more work.

In my quest to "catch up", I have discovered that keeping up to date in the bookkeeping world is as elusive as the never-ending-always-feeling-behind-sensation I felt when I worked at a grocery store bakery.

There was seemingly no end to the baking that needed to be packaged, labelled, restocked, then culled. Keeping up with the demand (or lack of) fresh baked goods was an ongoing and endless task. I hated that job. I hate to use the word hate. But I did. There is no satisfaction within a job where you are ALWAYS behind.

Enter the work-from-home scenario I have found myself living these past many months. Catching up was something I could now accomplish now that my bookkeeping work lived with me.

That was an overwhelming and debilitating thought. Until I started tackling one big job at a time. "If only I can get 'this' done. Then I'll be caught up. But I still have to do 'that'. THEN I'll be caught up. But I still have to do 'the other things'. Then the phone or doorbell rings and I have four new pile of things-to-be-done." And so on and so forth.

I have shuffled a few mountains. I have not moved them. I have simply organized them, sorted them by date, created a spreadsheet to compile all information and now my work sits in four piles and a big, cloth grocery bag awaiting answers I need to complete the tasks at hand. So I have moved one mountain into four molehills and one very big hill.

I've been working with numbers day in and day out. I'm ready for a break. Better yet, I'm ready for a cat day. Not much is stressing out our miniature black panthers.

 

Monday is Having an Identity Crisis

The joy of working from home is that as long as I get the job done, I can work within a time frame that works best for me.

When it comes to the Big Jobs, I like to have hours on end at my disposal. Hours without a deadline. Ironically enough, those hours now seem to land on the occasional weekend.

I just worked three consecutive long, productive days. It is now Monday and I am in a Sunday frame of mind. It is lovely.

I woke up early and simply followed the path of least resistance.

That path led me to the living room window. No rabbits in sight, I grabbed a book and settled into the couch and read. No coffee to kick start the morning. I simply read. And it was good.

My stomach started to recognize my morning routine was off and started to grumble a bit. I fed it a smoothie and it is appeased for the moment.

I revelled in the easiness of Monday's word puzzles after losing too many hours to Sunday's "5 star" difficulty level. 

I like Monday to start on a "1 star" level of difficulty after a "5 star" weekend.

I love working from home. I can work when working conditions are best. My days can have an identity crisis and I can sit back and enjoy a peaceful easy Monday morning feeling.

The Joy of Working

It has been an incredibly productive week here in my home office. .

I have tended to monthly and quarterly tasks. I have successfully called three different departments at Revenue Canada and not only did I not have to hold, each and every question and concern I had was addressed, answered and solved within a ten to fifteen minute call. 

As I tidied up the clutter of the month, I had time left to work on a few of the lingering jobs that have been taking up space on my work table and in my mind. It is amazing what energy comes from cleaning the work slate on a few levels.

I feel more energetic and I do believe I have the motivation required to get me through one of the bigger tasks I have left to tend. I can envision the space created within my work week once that job is complete. 

I woke up with ambition this morning. The motivation that is bubbling up inside of me is taking me outside my home office door and I am seeing the light.

Since COVID-19 arrived on the scene, I have been doing little more than tending to my own self preservation.

I have not been a supportive friend or family member. I have not been reaching out. I have been hunkering down and managing my own little world.

I have not taken on any COVID projects, big or small. I haven't cleaned a closet. I haven't reorganized our home ... except maybe I did a just a little. The weekend our new book shelves were installed was definitely a Coronavirus highlight. But the weight of the work within my office-with-a-door has been weighing me down and holding me captive to the responsibilities lying in wait.

I have not found time in this "isolation" to dig deep, go quiet, hear my inner voice guiding me where I need to go next. 

We are almost four months in to our changed world and I have yet to feel isolated. 

When stay at home recommendations arose on the scene I thought this was exactly the kind of holiday I have always hoped for. Time off work with no where to be but home. It was a dream come true. Then my work moved in with me and it has taken us four months to establish healthy boundaries and come to terms with each other.

Now that I finally know my roommate a little better, I am finally in a place to settle in and enjoy being home. Just in time for the world to open up again. 

Do you ever feel like you are always ten steps behind the times? Me too. 

Cat Lip

Our cat Jet is a loving, demonstrative little critter.

He loves to snuggle in and get face-to-face with his people. He will look deep into my eyes filled with love and then he makes his move. 

He bites.

I have gotten very good at side stepping his love nips. I anticipate his moves and I dodge his cat nipping attempts. 

It has been a long time since our adoring carnivorous black cat has nipped my face. So I wasn't fast enough. He got me. He drew blood. I now have a cat tooth sized gash on my upper lip. 

I've had pets that will "teach" kids right and wrong by gently placing their teeth on them without actually biting them. Jet is a little more aggressive than our previous daycare kitty (André). Although he may have used a little more pressure, he never ever drew blood. I can still hear the echo of my daycare past: "André is eating me". I quietly thought to myself in response, "No, he's just tasting you".

Well? Now I know how it feels. I just hope Jet doesn't acquire a taste for my blood.

Throwback Thursday

I feel wordless this morning so went back through the archives of my blog and wondered where I was a year ago today.

July 9, 2019 was a boring and tedious post about cooking in our newly renovated home and the fear of burning everything to the ground with my efforts. Thus, I tamed down my cooking efforts and our house remains standing.

So I went back year by year by year until I finally found this post. I should probably edit and paraphrase it into a more condensed read. But it is what it is. Our world was feeling unsettled four years ago. The cyclical nature of life never ceases to amaze me. Lessons keep being repeated until we learn the lesson. Then there are new lessons. 

FRIDAY, JULY 8, 2016

Meandering Thoughts

I had a free hour at my disposal the morning before my youngest son graduated so I ran over to my lawyer's office and updated my will. Yes, my timing was very strange but I had this overwhelming need to simplify my life, my estate and tie up all loose ends as soon my last dependent officially became an adult.

"Name my three sons as beneficiaries of every asset I have, divide everything in three, remove all trust conditions and make this will be the last will I will ever need to write" became the theme of my thoughts in the months that preceded my youngest son turning eighteen years old.

My thoughts of having three adult sons have felt diverse and complicated and simple all at the same time. This is the first time since I was seventeen years old that I have not had a dependent. I thought I would be in a different place in my life when I became single, without dependents. I'm not sure who I thought I would be but I guess I simply assumed I would "know". I can die, now that no one is dependent upon me, has been a predominant line of thinking.

This sounds more morbid than it actually is. My first marriage was a complicated one and I was terrified of dying at any time while my first two sons were still dependent upon me. I could not have rested easy, knowing the potential mess I left behind. Things wouldn't have been as messy had I not been able to fulfill my parenting role with my third child but it would have been complicated enough. I simply wanted to be here to raise my own children. Plain and simple.

My children have all been raised but I truly believe there is still much parenting left for me to do. I look at my diverse family of four and I see four individuals at four different forks in the road. Each one of us is feeling and going through something completely different than the other and my present day wish is to find a way to unite us in our diversity.

I want my children to feel strength in their brotherhood. This is no easy feat when an average of ten years separates each one of them and there is a twenty year age span between my youngest and my oldest. There is a parallel division of ages within my own siblings and our family ties are strong and united. This is the gift I want for my own children.

Then there are the words my cousin spoke when she remarried after her children were grown. I can't remember her exact words but they were something to the effect that her first priority after her divorce, was raising her children. Once they were independent and on their own, she could think about remarrying. And she did. When her youngest child was twenty years old.

This thought spawned many others. Like "who am I" now that I have technically raised my children to adulthood? What kind of "package deal" am I, when all I am is me? My identity is going through a transition and I am not entirely certain who I am and what I have to offer to another person or a relationship.

I have perspective. I have maturity. I have debt. I don't have a financial plan. I make a living but I'm not living my life. I work but I don't have a career. I try to be kind but I fail at times. I do the best I can but I often fall short of what I expect of myself.

As an afterthought, I asked my lawyer what would happen to my (now) current will if by chance I was to remarry. I clarified my query with the disclaimer, "This is as unlikely as me paying off my mortgage before I die, but if per chance I was to remarry would this nullify my will?" The short answer to that is "Yes". The long answer is "Now that my life has the potential to be simplified, would I want to complicate it?" The short answer is "Yes, I do believe I do."

There were many thoughts streaming through my consciousness as I walked through my youngest son's graduation day. So many thoughts. My emotions were stable but there was much going on beneath the surface.

As I sat in the auditorium with every beneficiary named in my will and three out of four of my "in case of common disaster" clause, I thought if some horrific disaster consumed the lives of all of those underneath that roof, there would only be one man left standing who was named within my will.

I thought that crazy, insane thought and shook my head. Who in the world thinks thoughts like that on a day that is supposed to be a full on celebration? Then I woke up to the news that has been going on around us. Shootings, rage, terrorism and a feeling that one never knows when a life could be lost is prevalent within our world.

I cannot focus on the unknowns and all I cannot control. The only thing I know how to do, is to spread kindness, try to raise wholehearted children, keep peace and tranquillity within our home, our hearts and family. I know how to listen and hope the words that escape my mouth and fingertips are ones of compassion, honesty and openness.

Our world is feeling very divided. I do believe what I wish for within our world is what I wish for within my own little family unit. "Each one of us is feeling and going through something completely diverse than the other and my present day wish is to find a way to unite us in our diversity."

We can't change the world. But we can change ourselves. I hope you look kindly upon those who are different than you today. Spread kindness in the hope that it grows and prospers. Kindness wins. I truly believe there is much more good than evil in this world of ours. The evil is getting far too much publicity. Ignoring it and pretending it isn't happening is probably not the answer. But how about reflecting kindness and compassion to those who frighten and threaten you? What if we looked Fear in the eye and listened to life from their perspective?

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."

~ James Baldwin