Belonging

As I walk into the worlds of my two senior friends, I am now greeted by those whose path I cross as I make my way into the day.

Warm smiles and friendly greetings have evolved into brief conversations which let me know they know who I "belong" to.

I remember well, the way I felt after Mom died. Mom had been my primary focus for a while and I felt lost at sea without her. I wandered through my days without a purpose. Wise people within my world reminded me of the others who were coming to rely on my presence.

It wasn't the same. Running out to Mom's became my norm. I gained as much as I gave throughout those visits. No matter how Mom was feeling (and she put on a very brave front), she was still "Mom" to me. I relaxed in my role of daughter and simply helped out wherever I could when I was with her.

I got to go home, sleep in my old room, wake up to toast and coffee with Mom and simply feel all the creature comforts of being home.

They say you can't go home again but there certainly was a feeling of homecoming throughout those many trips to Mom's.

Now I can literally not go home again. It is okay. We are moving on and through this phase in a way that honors what we once had but recognizes the need to move forward.

Two years ago, unbeknownst to us at the time, we were walking through our final weeks with Mom. Our sibling connection was strong and united. We "team tagged" our way through. We each had our individual strengths and I believe we were all relieved to know we had each other's backs.

Last fall, we took a sister road trip to meet up with our brother for a brief weekend visit. We rented a condo and created a home away from Mom's. A place where we could simply sit back, relax and visit like we had at Mom's only one year prior.

This year, we have reserved another pseudo-home away from home. This one is close to Mom's neighborhood and her old stomping grounds. We shall simply do what we did last year except we have an extra day and we could actually walk to Mom's from where we will be staying.

I was lost but now I am found.

I felt lost after Mom died but I have found my way to a new normal and a new place within this world of ours where I belong.

It is small but it is huge. It is a gift but it comes with the price of knowing nothing lasts forever. I belong but I have lost the title of "daughter" no matter who in the world mothers me. I am grateful to hold tight to my title "sister" ...

I cannot imagine how Mom must have felt when she was the only surviving child of her parents. Even though she was the mother of four; grandmother of fourteen; and great grandmother of twenty three ... she was the sole survivor of those who shared those memories from their childhood home.

There is nothing quite like the feeling of being with people with whom you share a history. The knowing looks, the inside jokes, things that don't even have to be said but if they are, no elaboration is necessary. There is a sense of "knowing" that goes beyond words.

When we have this, we are rich. This feeling of familiarity, of belonging, of being part of a whole ... it is a gift money can't buy. Perhaps this is why I continue to seek out ways to "belong" within this world of ours.

Maybe this is why the Hawaiian word "Ohana" speaks to me. "The word 'ohana' means family in the Hawaiian language, but in a much wider sense, to include not only one's closer relatives, but also one's cousins, in-laws, friends, race, and other neighbours." ~ https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ohana

This feeling of connection and belonging is so much more than blood ties that bond us. It is the connection we make with those who feel like family to us.

I truly believe we all seek that sense of "belonging". Where we look for that connection is as individual to each one of us. Look for the connections within your life. Honor them. Nurture them. Find comfort within that which grounds you. Whether it is family, friendship, pets, nature or simply within yourself. Seek out that which makes you feel part of a whole and nurture that part within yourself.

I shall end this with words from Maya Angelou on belonging:

“You only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all.” ~ Maya Angelou, Conversations with Maya Angelou