Know Thy Enemy

One day to go and April will be behind us. I am unimpressed with the way I count down the days I have at my disposal as "days to be endured". 

I would like to point my finger at Revenue Canada and be angry with them for all the deadlines they impose on me, but I know the due dates a year in advance so my self imposed procrastination is all on me. I now have a full year to work on managing myself in a manner where I will be prepared and deal with the deadlines more effectively. 

Procrastination is my enemy. "Know thy enemy", it has been said. Okay. Enemy is identified. I truly believe I am my own worst enemy. I get in the way of myself nearly 100% of the time.

After spending a good part of the morning rereading some of my writing from seven years ago, it is the same story. Over and over and over ("over" times seven, to be exact) again.

I fall into the same pattern year after year, time after time. I recognized my mind numbing activities seven years ago. 

I am almost certain the sit-in-front-of-the-TV-and-numb habit began the fall of 2011. A fatal combination of events - it was my oldest son's cast off TV ending up in our living room and a new job I had started outside our home that was my undoing. I have vivid memories of parking myself on the couch and not moving for the majority of my off-work hours.

Prior to that, I recognize the cycle of "low grade depression" at the end of winter many years prior. How did I deal with these thoughts before I started numbing them? Writing, cleaning, culling and doing something physical were some of my coping habits. Before the Internet moved into my little weekend oasis, I reverted back to my old ways. "Doing" instead of "numbing" was balm for my soul.

Perhaps my biggest enemy is the Internet and the constant connectivity to the world. Always checking, forever jumping to my phone when I hear an incoming text, the ability to stream movies, TV and almost anything you want to watch online. My psychological connection of TV to mindless eating, compounded by my inability to stay awake unless I'm eating has snowballed to where I am today (with a pair of jeans one MORE size bigger sitting in my Amazon cart).

Before I hit the "Proceed to Checkout" button, maybe I should try a few of my old tactics to see if I can get a few more years out of the size I'm presently wearing. Changing my clothing size is less about vanity and more about finding my inner contentment (again). 

There is a new month on the horizon and I'm eager to step into a fresh new calendar page without a zillion (okay, only a hundred) deadlines biting at my ankles. Maybe I can divert this energy into something better.

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.” ~ Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Some Things Never Change

On Feb 8, 2016 I wrote this: 

I remember the years I was living my dreams. People talked of "bucket lists", I scoffed and said, "I'm keeping my bucket list empty!"

They were adventurous years (for me). I tried new things (Zumba and Belly Fit), I was determined to become a Zumba instructor (and only missed the mark by one, final practicum assignment), I participated in a dance competition, I went on a cruise, I invited people into my world and it was a most incredible ride.

Yes, I kept my "bucket list" empty. Looking back on those glory years, seeing where I am now and looking ahead I have kept my promise to myself. My bucket list remains empty. It is a good thing and a bad thing all at the same time.

It is a sad and lonely place when you stop dreaming. Instead, I have filled up our home's bucket list. It contains dreams such as: new doors, new floors, new baseboards and door casings and a new paint job (inside and out). There is a very expensive domino effect that happens once you start home renovations, thus my paralysis in this regard for so many years.

I have no desire to travel, nor do I  have one pang of envy for those who are setting off and/or enjoying their winter vacation destinations. I am exactly where I want to be. I am at home, living my dream in my quiet and understated way. I've done all I want to do for now. It is time to centre myself and take care of my finances and our home.

Seven years later ...

My bucket list remains empty and I'm happy to announce our home's bucket list as of February, 2016 has been emptied as well.

The house's bucket list has been filled up (times 2, with the addition of a second place to call home) but my personal list of hopes and dreams remains static. I found myself saying these words just a short while ago and was rather pleased to find proof this has been my feeling prior to so very many life changing events over the past seven years. I've said it before and I'll say it again:

I'm glad I did what I did, when I did it. The time was right. It was a carefree and fun-filled time. I was the person I needed to be, to get the most enjoyment out of all of my little adventures. I have changed. The world around me has changed. I want and need to be close to home.

No Regrets

My fingers fumbled over the keyboard yesterday morning and the next thing I knew, I had accidentally opened an archive of blogs I once wrote at Life As I Know It - MyKawartha.com.

I let myself wander through some of my writing. I write everything and anything here but I only allowed what I considered my "better writing" to be published when I wrote for a handful of publications. So I spent a little time reading my thoughts from yesteryear.

The post that stayed with me long after I read it, was something I wrote after Mother's Day, 2016. I had decided to surprise Mom with a visit in lieu of a Mother's Day phone call. I recognized the truth in the words, "I have gone out to surprise Mom for Mother's Day two years in a row now. I think my reasoning behind the surprise factor, is my dire need to have an "out" if I can't follow through on my plan. I was so close to cancelling. SO close."

It was a weekend that could have just as easily not happened. 

All was well in May, 2016. A year later, much had changed and I don't think I was alone with the feeling it would be our last Mother's Day with Mom. 

Prior to Mother's Day 2017, Mom dictated a message and asked me to text it to my siblings. No voting upon the where, when and how. No fuss, no muss. Just a simple invitation with easy to follow instructions:

We all met up and shared a Mother's Day brunch together. It was a chilly day so we didn't head off to a nearby park as we had done in years past. Mother's Day was a day that meant a lot to Mom and I am so grateful we were all with her. No surprises. She was fully in control. It was a good day.

There have been so many good memories, made without thought of "this could be the last". There were stand out moments all along the way. Moments of laughter, joy, celebration of togetherness and the simple gift of appreciation of what we have. 

It was a gift to find words I had written when all was right in the world and there was no foreshadowing of what was to come. 

May, 2016 I wrote:

I have the feeling Mom would have been just as happy with a quick "Mother's Day phone call" and perhaps a card in the mail. But I didn't plan that far in advance. Maybe next year ...

And that is the gift of the weekend past. The gift of thinking, "I will try this differently next year, knowing I did my best this year". Tomorrow is not promised. Today is a gift. Living life in the present tense is the only true way to live a life.

Looking back at the weekend past, I know I will never regret it. That is the way I need to live my life. Living my life nestled up in the serenity and security of our home is also a gift. But it is best appreciated when I leave the nest from time to time.

There's no place like home! There is NO place like home!! But there is also no place like "going back home". I'm so glad I went.

Sleeping In Day 2

Unwilling to have a replay of events from yesterday, I immediately made my side of the bed this morning.

Jet is sleeping in. His job is to finish de-hairing the bed before he makes his half.

He is a terrible roommate. He never picks up after himself.

The Hot Spot Has Cooled Off (at last)

It is my habit to make my bed as soon as I wake up. I will make the bed around a sleeping cat but I make it all the same. It is a very rare day when I veer off the norm and our cats were quick to take advantage of the fact I'd (momentarily) left an unmade bed this morning.

I awoke and was out of bed around 6 a.m. and something took me outside my room. When I returned to make the bed, Jet had hopped into my spot that wouldn't have had a chance to cool down.

Jet finally appeared in the kitchen a few hours later so I knew my opportunity to make the bed had arrived. 

I assumed Jet had resumed his position but it was Ray (our second black cat) who had taken advantage of the vacancy. So I put off making my bed once again.

I finally headed outside and took a book with me. When I reentered the house, both cats were pacing by the back door, eager to find their next new hot spot. Outside with me.

My bed is vacant at last. A smart person would take advantage of the moment and wash their sheets. I have never burdened myself with the label of being smart. So I shall vacuum the cat hair and make my bed. Washing sheets this late in the day is a recipe for disaster. The chances of remembering I'd started the chore long enough to dry the sheets AND make the bed? Slim to none.

We'll try this again tomorrow.

By the time I typed these words and returned to make my bed, Ray was settled back in.

I may need to wash these cat hairy sheets after all ....

The Hot Spot Remains a Hot Commodity

I knew Jet had joined me in the kitchen so I was all set to go make my bed when I found Ray (the likeness to Jet is undiscernible in this pose) had taken up from where Jet left off.

Jet hopped into the warm spot I left in my unmade bed; Ray stepped right up to fill in Jet's hot spot.

We are team-tagging the R&R hot spots this weekend. 

The hottest spot of all will be heading outside to breathe in some fresh air and sunshine ...

(who is going to stay inside to make the bed?)

I'll Be in Good Company Today

Look at the friends I get to spend time with this weekend:

(with a back up Oprah/Michelle Obama interview on Netflix)

 

Oooo! Life is good!!!

Settling Up

Another tax year is in the books. It is official. Done. Sent. Paid. Filed. I am all settled up with Revenue Canada for another tax year. And it feels so good.

It felt so good that I was immediately drawn to my utility settle up months. I am on an equalized payment plan which makes for easier budgeting but the settle-up months are a little unsettling when I'm not confident I've paid enough.

April 30th defines my settle up month with Revenue Canada. May is my settle up month for my utility bills. My ultimate goal is to balance to zero. I like feeling ahead of the game and not running for cover when I owe some here, there and everywhere. 

All in all, it feels good to settle the score. I love starting from ground zero. I pay all credit cards to zero at every month end. Zero is one of my favorite numbers.

My head is in the number game right now. All April deadlines have been met - inside and outside of my office. I'm now going to settle into the weekend and soak up the moments.

Jet just popped out of my unmade bed and it looks like he's ready to take on the day too. I'm all settled up with the world and it is time to put the numbers to rest for the duration of the weekend.

It is already 11° outside and I'm ready to see how it feels to sit in a sunbeam and read. 

I wish you a Sitting in a Sunbeam kind of day.

It's This Kind of Day

I hopped out of bed this morning and Jet hopped into my warm spot ... and is still there.

Yes, it's that kind of day.

(can I just say "Woo hoo!!")

The Day the Computer Died

I was enjoying the moment. Finishing my first cup of coffee for the day, savoring the silence of the morning, taking time to be still and read some of the blogs I follow and allowing myself just a little more time before I forged into my Friday.

Suddenly, my computer sighed a momentary last breath. And died. On the spot. Poof. Done. With no battery back-up on this computer, I was certain this was the end.

I surveyed the situation in a manner similar to one's life flash before their eyes in the nanoseconds that followed. I hate to say it, but "Income tax!" was the first and foremost thought that crossed my mind. I have three returns started on this computer and would have to start from scratch. Not the end of the world. 

I pondered the thought of how quickly I could replace the computer. A used computer store had been a very good way to buy a computer for my little weekend oasis. I wondered what they had in stock and how expensive it would be. "It couldn't wait until May's budget, could it?", I wondered as I diligently work to pay off all credit cards to zero at the end of each month.

I wondered if anything on this computer could be salvaged. A computer-guy would have to wait. Replacing the computer was priority. 

It then dawned on me to unplug the computer, plug it back in again and try to turn it on. Amazingly enough, it worked!

My ancient computer slowly regained consciousness, took its time opening closed files and error messages seemed to be appearing out of nowhere. The email program couldn't send/receive emails. All the browser pages reopened but nothing could load. Ahhh! Slowly, I realized it was an internet issue. Not the computer at all.

Being slightly sluggish from the lack of caffeine in my system, I decided to check my work computer. Nope. No internet there either. "Day off!!" was my next thought. Yay!! By the time I made it back into the kitchen, I realized my tax program worked independent of the internet. I could still work on taxes. Relief and disappointment washed over me simultaneously. "All is not lost" and this is a good thing.

As lack of internet signal icon kept catching my attention, I realized it was just past 7 a.m. - too early to start working anyway! When the going gets tough, the tough grab a second cup of coffee and starts formulating a blog post on a Word document. Which brings you up to where I was seven paragraphs ago.

The internet came back up and all systems are "Go!" again. What must have happened, was a momentary power surge which resulted in turning off my computer with 0% battery availability and resulted in the internet having to reboot and restart. All is well enough in this happy little world of mine once again.

I thought it was the end of my computer's life and I didn't fixate on the worst of all outcomes. I just rolled with what I thought it was and carried on.

Is it maturity or exhaustion? I am content to believe my reaction stems from experience and knowing that all material issues such as this are easily remedied.

In the meantime, I'm charging up my phone in case of a power outage and will be calling my friendly neighborhood used computer store to find a replacement for my poor, burnt out and antiquated computer.  

This was a test. It was only a test. 

P.S. I have searched my financial archives and discovered this computer was purchased July, 2014 for the price of $803.00 

(I think I've gotten my money's worth)

"This" Close

I despise my writing when I'm in count-down mode. My head is all about what needs to be done, how I will do it, when I will fit it all in and how long can I put off the inevitable. I work best under pressure but creating my own pressure cooker is my own doing. I have no one to blame but myself.

I have three days to complete April's to-do-list but it is my goal to tie up all loose ends tomorrow, so I have the weekend to do as I please.

What pleases me? Oh, so much!!

I have borrowed Michelle Obama's book "The Light We Carry" from the library. I started reading it last weekend and it is my kind of story telling. Easy to read, thought provoking and a person wants to turn the page in anticipation of more of the same. I had to close the book last weekend, but I'll be back!

Add to that, the Oprah's interview with Michelle Obama newly released on Netflix. That is cued up and ready to view. All I need want to go with that is a bowl of popcorn. I can't wait!

Then I really hit the library jackpot when I woke up yesterday to find my hold for Prince Harry's audio book "Spare" was available. I started listening immediately. I love listening to Harry speak of his life in a way only he can do. I am not quite two hours in, to sixteen hours of Harry's story. I am looking forward to the quiet space required to simply ... listen.

Our weather has finally broken. Snow is melted, temperatures are starting to climb and the great outdoors is calling. I can putter, I can sit on the deck with a cup of coffee and read, I can walk without dodging snow, ice and puddles and I could probably wash a window or ten. Possibilities are endless!!

I've cooked the past few weekends so I will plan easy meals and perhaps (if the month-end-budget allows) I may even splurge on the cheapest take-out option I can find. We'll see. Easy, tasty eating is on the horizon. I love it!

I am anticipating a weekend where all I have to do is open my eyes, get out of bed and go wherever the day takes me. No deadlines to meet, simply an agenda of fun and easy. It is time to celebrate enduring meeting another month of deadlines and obligations. 

I'm "this" close ...

TGIF

Thank goodness it's Thursday

I still have ONE more day to clear the slate for an easy, breezy weekend.

What do you hope to do to make way for that which brings you joy? May you find your way to being "this close" right along with me.

A Week Ago

One week ago, the snow was almost melted and it was warm enough to sit comfortably in a sun beam.

Then it snowed.

I did shovel the driveway to promote melting and things are coming along nicely.

But the most important thing is the sky.

Look at that blue sky!!

May you have a Sunny Sunday!!!

 

                                   April 17th                                    April 23rd - all that's missing is lawn chairs

Aggressive Chirping

I stepped outside to take a picture of our April snowfall and was distracted by the sound of birds:

(ensure your volume is high, to appreciate the aggressive nature of their chirps)

It seems I'm not the only one who is impatiently waiting for warmer weather.

I wish I sounded so cheerful when I grumble about the weather.

Chicken Soup Anyone?

I will never underestimate the value of good winter tires again.

Hitting a curb (and wrecking a tire) initiated my slightly premature switch to summer tires but I wasn't worried. I was optimistic the spring storm headed our way wouldn't affect the roads too long before the heat of the sun permeated the snow. For the most part (one rather tense trip home spurred me into cancelling an appointment the next morning), I was right.

Much to my chagrin, I shoveled snow because there was a slight snow drift in front of the garage, but as I cleared the way I truly hoped it would be the last time I would have to touch a shovel for the season. 

It continued to snow and I woke up to a snow covered driveway the next morning. Not again. I will not shovel again. I won't! By the time I had to leave the house, Mother Nature had taken care of the snow and I felt pretty lucky.

Then I had the chance to visit with a cousin who lives in the southern (and hardest hit) part of the province and I bit my tongue. They had snow "this high" (my memory wants to believe the indication was to their knees but I think it was a little less than that). The slight inconvenience of slipping home safely on the the winter streets and the minor snow shoveling I had done was nothing compared to what it could have been.

I drove on dry highways towards my weekend oasis last night. I savored the extended daylight hours and enjoyed sighting Canada geese pairing up and strolling beside the highway. The fields were snow covered and it looked pretty chilly out there. I felt a chill run through my bones when I saw a goose-couple swimming in a slough. "How do they manage in the cold?", I wondered for the duration of my trip.

Almost "home", a couple of deer popped up in the ditch and carefully watched for traffic as I slowed to a crawl and they stayed safely off the road. Oooo!! I love spring!!!

Then I arrived. All I had to do was back into the driveway and park the car for the weekend. 

Summer tires and wet snow are not a good combination. The tires spun as I remained stationary. Forward and back, trying to maneuver my way into my little spot nestled beside the house and in front of the garage. When I was satisfied with my parking, I hopped out and assumed Mother Nature would take care of the snow while I was here and I happily settled in for the night.

I am so eager to jump start the season, I picked up some jalapeno burgers before I left the city. Barbequed burgers and a salad would make a perfect spring meal. I was savoring the very thought.

Then I woke up this morning and reality set in. A high of 2° today, a high of 4° tomorrow. I may be pulling out the shovel one more time.

It may be a homemade soup kind of weekend after all ...

It's Not Over 'til It's Over

I optimistically brought out our lawn chairs last week while spring was in the air.

April is a month when anything can happen but I remained hopeful. More snow is on the way today but it will hit the southern part of the province the hardest. 

It could be worse.

 Jet (the cat) looks a little disgusted at this change of weather. I feel the same way.

The sun will shine another day. 

In the meantime, the gloomy sky is wearing thin. I look forward to blue skies and warm forecasts. In no time at all, I will be complaining of the heat. 

Enjoy the moment you are in. Even if it is snowing in April.

It would be a very good day to snuggle up with a good book.

May you find a ray of sunshine within the day..

An Easy Yes

I woke up to an invitation from a friend that was a "YES!!" response from every fiber of my being. It was an invitation to a house concert that opened my eyes to a whole new world ten years ago.

I haven't felt an "easy yes" in me for so long that I can't pin down the beginning of the end for me. There was the fallout of some negative work experiences from 2010-2012. There was the state of pure and utter exhaustion that followed the completion a family memory book in 2014. There was "the year of Mom" (and the year after) in 2016/2017. Then there was the year 2020, when I finally had permission to feel the way I felt and the whole world was in a state of "saying no" against their wishes, while I rallied.

"Yes!" No if, ands or buts. Just "Yes!!", with an additional invitation of "Would you like to go out for supper first?" that fell off my fingertips without hesitation in the immediate aftermath.

This is the post I wrote the morning after I experienced my first house concert. "This" is the invitation I have just received. Same venue. Same artist. Same friend issuing the invitation. This is why it was such an easy yes:

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2013

New Experiences

I honestly had no real concept of what I 'signed myself up for' last night. No, it was nothing too frightening or scary. Simply something new-to-me.

I don't often do 'new'. I go to the same restaurants and order the same food. All of the time. When we go away for a vacation, I am thrilled from the inside out when I discover a McDonald's and a Tim Hortons in the neighborhood. Whenever I enter a whole new world, I am looking for all that is familiar to me.

I take the same route wherever I go. Once and a while I decide to 'shake it up' a little and find a more scenic route home. Then that becomes my new norm. The same tried and true route going to my destination. The same scenic route on my way home.

Entertainment for me is dinner and a movie. Or going out for a meal. Or going out for coffee. Or getting together with friends. When a friend suggests we try to add a new dimension to our tried and true recipe, part of me is wanting to just sit still and enjoy the company and forget about the 'doing' part. But every single time we do something, it adds a wonderful new dimension to the same familiar routines.

Last night, I was invited to go to a 'House Concert' with a few friends. I had no idea what that meant other than being told that it was held in the garage in the host's back yard. I knew that the 'garage' had been used for holding training seminars prior to this so I was not expecting to sit in a rustic garage like mine. But that was about all I knew to expect.

I was told that this couple put on these 'house concerts' for artists that played to a smaller venue. I was told who would be performing but I didn't google (nor did I really even know that this performer would be googleable) him in advance.

So I sat down in this meticulously clean, bright, candlelit and finished garage (that someone could easily live in, other than the fact that there wasn't a washroom in the building). There was a nook for our pot luck refreshments and there was seating for at least 51 people (I tried counting - I could be wrong). We arrived early and got to pick the best (most comfortable) seats in the house.

Then the show began.

Our hosts were so very personable. A husband/wife duo that complimented each other and set the tone for the evening ahead. We were laughing from the onset.

Then our performers made their entrance and once again, we were laughing and enjoying the personalities of our entertainers as they segued their way into our evening's entertainment.

The music was absolutely delightful. Watching the songwriter perform to the beat of his own keyboard (while accompanied with a back-up singer that just happened to be his sister), you could feel the pulse of the music in your heart. To watch someone perform their art in such an up close and personal way, in such a small venue ... far exceeded any huge concert experience I have ever seen (not that I have much experience in that - the large concert scene is not for me).

The audience is so personable. I sat next to someone I had never seen before in my life and I could feel their eyes upon me when I laughed and conversation was easy when the intermission arrived. How can it be anything else when you share an experience that you can feel in your bones long after the music has stopped?

The artist was Jeffery Straker. His website is: http://jeffstraker.com/ . Click on some of his music. I don't know if you had to 'be there' to feel what I feel when I listen to his voice. And the keyboard ... oh, the keyboard! I love that not only do I have a face to put to the music, I have the 'intimate experience' of a house concert to enhance the flavor of his songwriting, singing and performing abilities. Plus? He made me laugh. I love to laugh. I love music. I love when I get so wrapped up in a moment that I am in awe of the talent that it takes to take a passion and put it all together in the form of an art. It was a combination of everything that makes my heart sing. Plus! I was sharing the experience with friends ...

Music brings the world together in harmony. Last night, within the confines of a garage (that could have just as easily been a living room), I experienced my first House Concert. The outside world ceased to exist. I was transported to a place where peace, harmony, goodwill and laughter reigned.

If someone invites you to experience something new, go for it! If you are brave (or lazy, like I was), go into it knowing absolutely nothing at all. Let yourself experience it like a newborn baby experiences the world.

We know and have the ability to find out almost anything we want to know about in this world of ours. It is a rare treat to experience something completely fresh and brand new, with little to taint your idea of what it could be.

"Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed."

~ Unknown

My Favorite Time of Year

When I ran my daycare, the messy transition phase between the melting snow and beginning of things greening up again was not my favorite season. Mud, puddles, wet and cool weather equaled a lot of clean up every time we came indoors. It was the messiest time of year but it did pass quickly.

This year, I am reveling in this season between snow and new life. 

I have been on the highway twice in two weekends and there are NO BUGS to wash off the windshield!!  I love, love, love that!!

I have spent the weekend in my little oasis away from home and it is too wet to rake or take on any of the spring clean up chores. The yard does not expect a thing from me. 

Outside becomes very needy, very fast during the upcoming months so I'm loving the moment I'm in. The moment when I look outside and see what will need to be done. But by the time I can do anything about it, I will actually look forward for an excuse to be outside puttering around.

In the meantime, the only chore I took upon myself was to clean up the lawn chairs enough to sit outside and bask in the freshness of the air and listen to the birds.

We are not out of the woods quite yet. It is cool and cloudy this morning and a "significant spring storm" is brewing south of us. 

Grass will soon start greening up, the trees will be in bud, spring flowers will start blooming ... the world will soon present itself in glorious technicolor. But for the moment, I am simply enjoying the state of "what is". 

We have little choice over "what is", so when we find ourselves in a moment we can savor I think it is a good idea to bask in it for as long as the moment lasts.

My all time favorite place to be when the season starts to change.

100%

My slow charging phone is recharged to 100% ...

... my own personal trickle charger is lagging but a few salads have been made ...

... and hopefully this helps maintain my charge once I step into Monday.

I hope your Sunday is everything you need it to be.

Still Charging

If humans came equipped with a power bar status on their foreheads life could be simpler. 

One look at your own power level and you would see you were only at 11% and you could grant yourself a little grace. Taking the time to recharge a little more before tackling the day could make all the difference in the world. Noting someone else's power level would help manage expectations.

Just think ... what if you were only allowed into work if you were 80% charged or more. Breaks were automatically assigned when your power dipped below 60%. If you were consistently running below a certain level, holidays were mandatory. 

Recharging stations may need to be varied depending on the circumstance. Coffee would be a short term solution. A balanced meal or healthy snack would be a longer lasting charge. Sleep and rest would replenish the charge slowly and surely. Televisions would turn off automatically once a sufficient level of recharging was reached. We could actually see how much scrolling social media sites deplete us. 

That said, a bar indicator showing how many bars of reception we have could be helpful when trying to communicate. You could read whether or not the other party was receptive to your means of communicating. One could adjust and tweek as necessary. If one party shut down, it would be as clear as the bars on their forehead. 

I must be careful what I wish for. Artificial intelligence is a concept I only understand from old cartoons but what I am dreaming of is not something I want to see come true.

In the meantime, I find myself checking on the status of my charging phone before I expect too much of myself. 

I'm only 80% - I want to start the day at 100% ...

I honestly feel about 80% today. The weekend is doing its job but I'm still replenishing my charge. I'll see you at 100%!

Just Breathing

I didn't feel the magic when I arrived at my weekend oasis destination last night. This was followed by a restless night's sleep and a morning where I'm just not the "me" I have come to know and expect myself to be.

The past month has depleted me. I am going to focus on "filling up" while I am here. I will start with sitting in a sunbeam with a cup of coffee. And breathing. Just breathing...

Almost There

I feel like I have scaled a mountain this week. There was no time to stop and enjoy the view along the way. It was one forward step at a time. One hour at a time. One day at a time.

Deadlines were met. New responsibilities added. A side order of extra challenges tossed in for good measure. Fun times.

It is no fun to write or read about all of the above. The internal struggle is the story. My struggles are minor but they felt pretty overwhelming this week. 

I may have come "this close" to cracking. I am at the place where I have been before. One extra task on my to-do-list may be the straw that breaks my back. This feeling is familiar. Can I rewrite the ending or is the ending already written in the sand? 

I don't know. But literally hitting a cement wall last week felt like life was telling me something. "You've gone as far as you can go here, girl. You were lucky this time. It was only a little bit of paint. Stop before it's too late..."

The weekend has arrived and not a moment too soon. I feel the need to sit in a sun beam and stop thinking. 

A little dose of this would be good...

I Think I Needed That

I have a pretty good life over here in my corner of the woods. Sure, it is sprinkled with challenges, unknowns, frustrations and all the little things that make each day a little different than the one before. I have responsibilities and work expectations to tend. 

Basically, I have reason to get out of bed in the mornings. There are definitely mornings I don't want to wake up and face the music of the day. But I do. And I always feel better for putting hard things behind me. 

The manner in which I'm rolling with my responsibilities is exhausting. I'm placing the onus on myself because how I react to life is my choice, my responsibility and I am the one who must live with choices I make and how I choose to act and react.

That said, it was absolutely lovely to have a long weekend.

A day to veg out on the couch. A day of productivity. A day of leaving the city, meeting up with a friend and making it home early enough to enjoy the evening. Balance.

Balance is what it is all about. Too much work without the balance of rest, relaxation, enjoyment and light moments is not enough. Too much solitude without the balance of interaction with humankind is not enough. Too much busy-ness without a chance to kick back and feel good about the accomplishments of the day is not enough. Too much idle time without the balance of the feeling one gets by doing something hard (the definition of "hard" changes by the day - some days getting out of bed or getting dressed is the hardest thing - be gentle with yourself). Too much of anything is just ... too much. 

I wish you just the right amount of easy and hard things today. I wish you a ray of sunshine and a glimpse of joy. If you find laughter within your day that is the best gift of all. 

I hope you get what you need today.

I Didn't Need a New Car ...

... I just needed to wash windows!!

Amazing what a difference it makes to drive around with clean windows after a messy winter season.

Cheap, quick fix. I highly recommend it.

Setting the Bar Low

I am trying to trick myself into believing today is a work day so I can put one of those big jobs behind me within my bookkeeping world. Is it working? The jury is still out.

Goals this weekend:

• work a day
• prepare a meat and vegetable meal another day
• coast a day

I am/was planning on taking a day trip to meet a friend but the need to torque my newly changed tires has put a damper on my desire to leave the city. Backing into a cement wall and hitting two curbs yesterday (one requiring a new tire, the second time seems to have left my newly changed tire unscathed) has heightened my desire to just leave the car parked for the duration.

I'm feeling a little accident prone and I haven't quite regained trust in my car after a minor repair instigated a domino effect of issues in the week that followed. I just want to stay home. That is all.

This is the highlight reel of my weekend goals:

Gourmet pizza - ultra large in size. Just pop in the oven and voila! A four course meal with no fuss, no muss, no delivery fee, no tip, no need to leave the house.

At the tail end of my accident prone day, I also picked up two bags of chips. 

What else could I possibly need?

Set your bar low. 

Do what it takes to make your day go easy on you.

And .. 

when the going gets tough, the tough eat chips.

The end.

The High Cost of Washing a Car

I had a simple goal today. While I was out running a few errands I would wash the car.

My favorite drive through car wash was lined up the length of the parking lot, so I decided I would take this opportunity to go to a hand wash bay where I would get some bonus Air Miles by using this car wash.

The first thing I did was run into a curb while I was maneuvering through the gas bar as I tried to find a parking spot. I eventually found a spot, bought some tokens, came back to the car to discover my tire was almost flat.

Change of plans.

I drove my crippled car to our friendly neighborhood mechanic and they checked out my tire. It is damaged beyond repair. The rim is okay. He recommended I wait until next fall when winter tires are on sale and replace two of my tires. They were kind enough to come here to pick up my summer tires, exchange my winter tires for summer ones and I was good to go.

I needed to swap my tires anyway but this curb biting incident will cost two winter tires in about six months. Time to budget for the expense.

I was feeling pretty fortunate all in all. I went to my second job and decided to wash the car on my way home.

I was feeling pretty good. My car wash tokens cost $6.98 so I was thinking this is what I should do all the time. All I had to do was back out of the stall and go home.

Crunch ...

Yep. I hit the wall. It was just a tap so I was optimistic that it wouldn't be noticeable. I was wrong.

I will never complain about the price of a drive through car wash again. 

Morning Musing

I heard a little scuffle behind the bathtub curtain this morning and this is what I found:

Dripping faucet = cat fountain

Cats in the tub = the need to vacuum the bathtub before bathing.

Little things that make me go hmmm.

Pivotal Moments

The ability to act and react to life is a skill I hope to hone and hold onto.

A recent set of events resulted in my sister changing course as she was on her way to one destination. On the highway already, once they were at the junction they turned right instead of continuing going straight. A few weekends later, they were on the highway to another destination to be present with family who had been touched with a tragedy.

I marveled at my sister's ability to act and react in the moment she was in and thought "I want to be just like her".

This is the sister who says "Yes!" to life and its invitations. I have often commented that if there is a time at the end of her days when she meets her maker and is asked if she has any regrets, her answer would be "No". From where I sit, she is living life the way it was intended to be lived.

I compare who I am and how I live to how my sister lives. I have had times when I lived life in a similar fashion. Having flexible employment makes all the difference in the world. When I worked full time outside my home, I abided by the limitations within my job. When I ran my daycare, I had numerous families depending on my reliability so my flexibility was nil. When I started working the jobs I have right now, the ability to bend and stretch my work hours as needed made all the difference in the world.

My role within my job has changed and my ability to take time off on a whim is next to nil. I miss the ability to be able to pivot on a dime. Act and react in the moment and go freely in the direction life points me toward.

The only thing for certain, is that nothing stays the same. "Be careful what you wish for" is a refrain that often runs through my mind. What I hope for will come. But at what cost?

Holding On

Winter made its presence known again yesterday.

A light, unaggressive snowfall left a dusting of snow in its wake.

Soon, paw prints in the snow will no longer tell the tale of what unseen presence is around us.

There is something to savor within every season.

As it is with life.

The only thing certain about today is that it will not be the same as yesterday. 

Every step we take is a step beyond where we were.

New days, new seasons, change are all part of our existence.

When those days are hard,

remind yourself you have survived 100% of those days so far.

Please keep going.

Spring is coming.

The sun will rise again tomorrow.

"Time is a wheel that is spinning

Always moving on

The moments you think last forever

You look up and one day they're gone

Gotta hold on, hold on, hmm"

~ Gold - SAILR

Gold

No words. Just listen. Let the next 3 minutes and 27 seconds wash through you and sweep you up in the lyrics and music that touched my soul today...

https://youtu.be/wAnbJXItpG8

It's Coming ...

It is April 1st

The days are getting longer

The temperatures are hovering around "zero"

And!!

The rabbits are starting to change color.

Spring is coming!