Acceptance, Courage and Wisdom

Ahhh ... it is back to the work world once again. For the first time in a very long time, I feel rested, relaxed, rejuvenated and ready to take on the day ahead of me.

I am not certain what the magic formula is.

Is it NOT having any other up and coming commitments lying in wait?

Is it the aftermath of two days of solitude and simply being home?

Is it the full body "cleanse" I just completed?

Is it the reassurance of a good bill of health and no need to rinse and repeat the above mentioned procedure for another 5 years?

Is it sleeping off yesterday's sedation and simply feeling completely rested?

Is it revelling in good memories of a most wonderful set of events preceding today?

Is it the fact that I did a few of the things that have the power to weigh me down yesterday morning?

Waking up to a day where all of the hard things are behind me feels like the weight of the world is lifted off my shoulders.

Now ... the million dollar question is "How do I maintain this in the long term?"

I believe I must go back to some of the scribbles I found on the table beside the computer. Stop worrying about things that don't happen. So much of life is out of our control. The secret is in the knowing the difference. It all comes back to the serenity prayer. Acceptance of what we cannot control; courage to change the things we can; wisdom to know the difference. 

One step at a time. One day at a time. Let go and let things unfold as they must. I am reliving what I learned in AlAnon. I believe the power lies within learning what we can and cannot control within our lives. Now to put this to work in my day-to-day life.  

What is weighing you down these days? Do you have the power to tackle the hard things and put them behind you? 

We can plan, hope and dream all we like but sometimes life has other plans.

I wish you a day where you feel on top of your struggles. 

It's All History Now

The past few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind and there has been little (no) time to blog or keep up to date on the mundane little things I do to mark my time here in my small little world at home. Normally I would feel the need to catch up on "all of the above" but now that I have sat back and enjoyed a few quiet days at home, none of this catching up feels necessary.

I hope the highlight reel of this time of great busyness trickles out in the form of blog posts as time goes by but I am not going to force the words. They will come when they are ready.

A writing workshop is one of the first things I attended during this blog writing sabbatical. The workshop was less about writing and more about finding your creative self. After one full day of immersing myself in this workshop, my takeaway from that was:

• Wireless Sundays - Sunday will be my day to disconnect from technology and reconnect with the life that is right in front of me
• Walk more. I write these words and wonder "when"? I'm not quite certain how and when I can accomplish this and I am immediately recalling all of the excuses that have led to this sedentary life I lead
• Artist dates. This is simply setting aside time to do something alone to take in what the world has to offer (if I combine this with walking, maybe I can kill two birds with one stone)
• Morning pages, morning pages, morning pages - 3, 8-1/2 X 11" pages of long hand writing, written first thing every morning to clear the clutter of one's mind 

I hope to accomplish tackling this small list of things to do, to find the "me" I used to be. I used to find my answers in the quietness. Technology, TV, Netflix and the constant connection to the world via cell phones creates an eternal buzz. We are far too connected within this world of ours. This connection serves a beneficial purpose but the cost is high.

As I sit at the tail end of this holiday I have taken, I am relaxed, replenished and open to the idea of trying the tasks I have mentioned. I have been, gone, seen and done everything that I set out to do. Now it is time to settle in and renovate my inner self one step at a time. 

I went into this holiday feeling overwhelmed, anxious and eager to put it all behind me. I knew I would enjoy every single part of this time away from my regularly scheduled life. I was right. I simply need to work on finding a balance that doesn't tip the scales too far one way. I am hopeful I am on the right track.

Two days of forced solitude at the tail end of these holidays was exactly what I needed. I am grateful for the preparation and appointment I had today which enforced this time of quiet before I head back into my life. There is no way to go but forward. It's all history now ...

Negative Nellie, I am So Done With You!

In the interest in "burying the lead" and ensuring my last blog post isn't the first one to appear on this blog I must find something light and breezy to write.

I pulled out the scrap of paper with all the blog ideas I had but didn't have time to write. 

• "Holidays never felt so hard"
• "So sick of worrying about things that don't happen"
• "Waiting for everything to be out of my hands"
• "Inner Margaret" (the need to find joy and leave the rest behind in the nearest ditch)
• "Never looked forward to a colonoscopy so much"

Hmmm ... apparently I did need a little holiday. I was sounding a little angst-y in the weeks that preceded my vacation this year. It is apparent to me now, that there may have been a reason none of those blog ideas materialized.

I hope to dig the positive out of the negative now that I'm back in the land of living my life. The Negative Nellie in my mind must move over. She has had her say and now it is time to take back the reins and steer my thoughts in a more light hearted direction.

The Grand Finale of My 2019 Vacation

You know you are feeling a little over-extended when the highlight of your holidays is a colonoscopy.

Anything that follows that sentence is going to be in a "too much information" variety but suffice to say, I am beyond grateful that I must say no to any and all invitations for the next two days.

I am so looking forward to this mandated day of staying home. There is truly no place I would rather be.

I have just gone back to read the blog posts I wrote in the aftermath of this procedure five years ago to remind myself of the coming events. The words that spoke to me were "... a very good night's sleep, which followed approximately twelve hours of intermittent napping" after coming home feeling rather (very) impaired by the sedative.

Dare I admit that I am looking forward to turning off my brain and savoring a mindless day just as much as I am anticipating this day of confinement to my quarters?

Yes, it is a sad state of affairs when I consider this the grand finale of my 2019 vacation.

Day of Gratitude

This is a most perfect day to sit back and be grateful. I am home after a most excellent period of focusing on family, friends, gatherings and outings. I am home.

Family. Ours is a special and unique blending of personalities who support, encourage, care, share and laugh together. 

I have just returned home from my uncle's 90th birthday and spent the weekend with Dad's brothers, their wives and a few cousins. I am so very grateful I was there. Memories were made, laughter is still ringing in my ears and it was simply a gift to be present and accounted for, to celebrate and acknowledge a most incredibly special man.

My siblings and I have recently had a "Sibling Weekend" together. I don't take this sibling relationship for granted and I am grateful we nurture it by continuing to make time to get together. The easy camaraderie we share is a gift. As we parted ways to return back to our lives in progress, we tossed ideas into the air about "next time" ...

My own little family has been busy leading their own lives, doing their own thing and making their way. We haven't gathered as a family unit for a few months but a tentative un-birthday party to acknowledge all the birthdays that passed by without acknowledgement is in the works. We are still in the process of creating our own piece of family history together but we are off to a good start. I am grateful.

Friends. My uncle's 90th birthday party has me reflecting on the value of good friends. I was at the door as his guests arrived and heard a brief synopsis of how he met and how long he has known some of his friends. Alumni from his university days; people he had worked with; students he befriended; his "Little Brother"; friends through his volunteer work; friends he met through his partner. The common denominator was that all of these friends had a history. It was not uncommon to hear "I've known Harold for 40 [or more] years" or some variation of that throughout the gathering. He is 90 years old and 38 of his close friends gathered to acknowledge the day and there are those who couldn't attend but will come another time. Amazing.

I am blessed with an arsenal of good friends. Lasting relationships take time and investment. Although I don't see my friends on a regular basis I know the friendships are real because when we do get together, it is like picking up from where we last left off. My take-away from the weekend past, is to pick up a pen, send an email or even make the odd phone call. Friendship is a two way street and nurturing the friendships one already has is a very good place to begin.

Health. Mobility. Aging gracefully. These are the little things one takes for granted when you wake up and hop out of bed with ease. This is huge. I am grateful for all of the above. As it is with relationships, one must nurture what one already has. Eating better and moving more are two steps I can take to maintain what I already have.

Peace of mind. I have heard so many people's stories that involve a loved one battling with some variety of mental health. It seems to reach out and touch everyone in some way or another. So many words ... so little to say. It is a hard life out there. To wake up in the morning and feel like one can take on the day is a blessing beyond comprehension. I am grateful.

It has been a busy time and the gremlin inside my head keeps nattering negative little thoughts which has created a bit of an inner battle to fully enjoy all the gifts I've been given. I have taken that negativity, thrown it into the light of day and waged a war with it. I do believe I have tamed the negative Nellie within and I truly believe it all begins with gratitude.

I just want to say "Thank you". Thank you thank you thank you for all I have been given. My job here on earth is to appreciate and nurture everything I already have. I can do that. 

I love this day of open gratitude. What are you grateful for today?

"Happy Thanksgiving to all!!"

I Write, Therefore I Am

"Why do I write?" was the context of my morning thoughts. I'm feeling a tad defensive this morning. In anticipation of an upcoming writer's workshop, I am frustrated by the thought of trying to hone my writing skills.

I wrote when I could not speak is the simplest way to describe my need to write. I was a painfully shy child and the words inside my head had no release unless I put pen to paper. Thus, I wrote.

As an adult, I still fell back to the written word whenever I felt overwhelming feelings of anything. Good, bad or anything in between. I sort through my thoughts on paper to make sense of the emotion behind them."

Putting some space between "feeling" and "vocalizing" has worked for me. In potentially volatile situations, I sort through my truths on paper, pull out the emotion and attempt to put only facts into words. These words are best spoken. In my experience, there is nothing gained by handing over negative thoughts on the written page.

"Be careful what you put in writing" was Mom's sage advise. Once written [or emailed or texted], words cannot be taken back. They are read from the vantage point of the reader and the intent can be misconstrued.

I have made the mistake of writing raw emotion and handing it over to the intended recipient. Even when my reasons were justified, the written word is powerful. Too powerful at times.

When a person is feeling strong emotions, there is a reason. For me, the best way to sort through the story is to write it out. Letting it cycle and recycle through my mind on an endless loop has not proven to work to my advantage.

When I write out my thoughts it becomes easier to see that there are a finite number of issues at hand.  The process of writing puts me back in the driver's seat. I begin to sort through what is possible to remedy, what is out of my control and decide where to go from that point.

I censor myself when I write. Mom's words haunt me. Be careful what you put in writing. Yet there have been times when I just need to purge everything. I need to write what I am thinking. I need to release the emotion. Those are the pages to shred or the documents to delete.

It is when I don't write, that is cause for concern. After Mom died, I was wordless. I was full of emotion but the words did not come easily. It was then, when I decided I needed to start writing again. It didn't have to be good. I simply had to write. I had to unblock the blockage of words. I needed to be accountable. Thus, this blog was rekindled as I rejoined the land of the writing.

I don't know what to expect from this upcoming writing workshop and I'm not sure where this defensiveness is coming from. I write to clear my head, share my thoughts when they are worth sharing and it is just how I roll. I don't want to take what I enjoy and turn it into work.

After all is said and done, my thoughts come down to this: "I write, therefore I am"

End of a Month ... Readiness for the Season Ahead

Today would be a very good day to stay home. My clean-up mode has been activated and I'm unsure how long this may last.

It started with my month end financial state of affairs. I have been overspending my pay cheque and I was really looking forward to getting paid this month so I could share the wealth. My credit card is very happy with my generosity. All bills are paid. I am back in the black (in a gray sort of way) again and I am breathing a sigh of relief.

My eye caught the stacks of papers that have been amassing in places I can see out of the corner of my eye as I sit at the computer. They need a place to call home. I found a spot that is good enough for now. Some notations are garbage; others are filed away. Small stuff. But little things pile up and become heavy. It is better to deal with things when they are small.

Then came the revolving stack of paperwork atop of the printer. Each pile was neatly sorted and arranged in the order in which each deed was to be completed and every bill was paid. I believe I had the pile culled down to nil until outdoor renovations began. The outside repair and maintenance project began in May and was not complete until August.

Before renovations were complete, I started planning a life outside of these walls I adore so much. From my son's play in May ... to going to see Cher ... then Oprah ... and another play ... then a family gathering ... going to see Mamma Mia ... and another play ... then a sibling gathering ... and winding up with an upcoming October holiday ... the stack of places to go and things to do has been unending.

I can see the top of the printer again. The accumulation of paperwork involved with everything that has been accomplished over the course of the past six months is almost at an end.

I admit I am relieved to see the top of our printer again. This signifies the end of a busy and expensive few seasons.

The leaves are falling outside and I'm feeling a similar sense of letting things go, going dormant and feeling sufficiently ready to weather whatever comes next.

Fall is a time of letting go and storing up for winter. As much as I complain about winter, I am ready for a season of dormancy. Truth be told, I'm actually looking forward to it.

What about you? Are you ready to shed the excess and settle in and enjoy the winter?

Winter is going to come in one form or another. We can accept it or move on to warmer climates. I think I'll stay.