Filling the Void (Living Life Forward)

I found myself thinking of Mom this morning. "I miss missing her ..." I wrote. As I continued to let my fingers do the walking, I found an inner contentment which has filled the void that was created since Mom died.

While Mom was here, I wrote her a weekly letter. She phoned me in response to my letters. If I was not home, she would wonder where I was and if she had to wait too long before I responded there was a sense of urgency within her voice. She knew my routines and would concern herself when I wasn't where she expected me to be. My holidays would revolve around going out to see Mom. Our sister weekends would often involve going to Mom's.

Mom has been a strong guiding force within my life. I listened to myself repeat what she had said often over the course of my life as I lived it and I wistfully thought of the day when I would be quoting her after she was gone. I was pleased to recognize I appreciated who she was to me while she was here on earth.

After Mom died and the immediate needs of taking care of her house, estate and tying up all loose ends with the lawyer, accountant and our taxation department were done, there was a distinct void in my life that was once filled with "Mom".

The void created the space for me to feel all the feelings I had been tamping down with busyness. It was a time when tears appeared out of nowhere and everywhere all at the same time. It was a time of sadness but it was necessary.

Life doesn't stand still for anyone. The sun continues to rise each and every day, seasons pass, bills need to be paid and life goes on (and on and on). Life dragged me along as I dragged my heals through that first year. It didn't matter. The sun rose. The sun set. Life called out its demands. I had no choice but to move along with the flow.

Fast forward another year. I stopped bucking the idea of moving on. I started making a few plans. I dared to dream a little. I placed my dreams and my final financial gift from Mom into our home. Home renovations began, my thoughts were consumed with all aspects of that. Bit by bit, the void created by Mom's absence began to fill up.

I continue to think of Mom, what she may say or think, I quote what I remember from Mom's vast array of quotable quotes and smile when I think of some of our conversations. She continues to guide my thoughts, actions and motives. She is part of who I am. It is undeniable. Sometimes I must quiet my inner-Margaret but most of the time, I just smile when I get a flash of her expression or hear the scorn in her voice over some inane use of the English language.

The cracks of my life have been filled up with living my life forward. As I think of the past year, it is "full". Full of home renovations, family, plays, Glennon Doyle, Cher, Oprah, friends, getaways, gatherings and celebrations. It was a year which was filled with doing things that filled me up and filled the void left in Mom's absence.

It feels good to feel fulfilled again. I do miss missing Mom but it is more important to go with the flow of life and live it fully while one is able to do so. I still feel Mom's guiding force and I hear Dad within my thoughts too. Between the two of them, they gave me the tools, my siblings, a strong sense of who I am and who I aspire to be.

Life goes on. We carry bits and pieces of everyone we meet as we make our way along. I am grateful to have thoughts of Mom and Dad within me. It is my hope to live my life in a way that would please and honor them.

Sometimes ... A Weekend is All You Need

I had a thoroughly restful and relaxed weekend after a week of dealing with a bookkeeping challenge which I had hoped to bring to a close by the end of Friday. I failed.

I apologized to my boss, told her I truly believed I would get to the bottom of things before the week ended but showed her my progress and knew I was on the cusp of solving the great number mystery which has had us scratching our heads for longer than I care to admit.

I woke up yesterday morning, thinking of the progress I made last week, I came up with a plan of attack and I was ready to roll when I walked in the door yesterday morning. She woke up at a similar hour of the morning thinking very parallel thoughts. I don't know whose thoughts invaded whose in the wee hours of the morning but I apologized (again) for "waking her up" at such an ungodly hour with my extra sensory perception which crossed planes with hers at the same time.

We were both of like mind when I presented my case, told her my plan and she simply said, "Do it! It has to get done. It sounds like you are on the right path."

I did it. And it is done. Finally.

I ran my hypothesis up against a copy of the company's books so I didn't harm any of our existing records. All that needs to be done now, is to transfer this knowledge into our company's permanent files and the deed is done.

I filed last week away in my mind and didn't labor over the challenges yet unmet over the course of the weekend. I have the ability to compartmentalize like that. I know. It is a gift. It doesn't always work but when it does, I feel like I'm gifted with the ability to "Do my best at the time. Then let it go. Until next time".

I woke up after the weekend and I was ready to solve what had not been solved before. Sometimes? A weekend is all you really need.

Construction Notice

A Water and Sewer Mainenance notice was waiting for me in our mailbox when I returned home yesterday. I scanned the notice, was grateful we will be away from home during most of the hours water could/will be turned off and tossed it onto the counter for further consideration this morning.

This means we could potentially be without water from 7 a.m. - the time of day when most of our water consumption is used. This will take some planning and practise.

We keep approximately 30 litres of water on hand at any given time. This came about due to a need to fill our extra fridge so it wouldn't be wasting power cooling a fridge that was not full and after a time I read that a household should keep one gallon of water per person per day (and one should be prepared to be self sufficient for 72 hours) in case of emergency. I added one and one together and came up with a most excellent solution of cleaning out and filling empty 4 litre milk jugs to fill the empty space within our extra fridge and voila! We are never without an emergency water supply.

If this planned water shut-down begins at 7 a.m., this will severely hamper my coffee intake and outflow capacity and our morning bath/showers. I rinse dishes to the point where they are basically clean so I will need to adapt my morning rinsing habits. Hand washing and tooth-brushing ends the list that presently comes to mind.

This morning, I am practising living with a defined amount of water. I cleaned and partially filled the tub with hot water so my bath is already drawn. I made my lunch before the potential 7 a.m. water shut off time. I have water in the bathroom sink; water in the kitchen sink and I have been conscious of my water usage.

This is a test. It is only a test. When the actual water shut down occurs, I should be able to tell by the road closures in and around 6 a.m. which will give me a little warning to prepare for an actual case of lack of water.

Our water was turned off for a few hours a while ago. This didn't happen during our hours of high volume water usage. I brought some of our emergency water upstairs and my son commented that it was a very good idea to always have this water on hand. I agree.

As I prepared for this planned water outage I couldn't help but think that in a true emergency, we may be without sewer and power as well. How long could we survive a cold Saskatchewan winter day without heat? How long before pipes would freeze? How prepared are we for an outage which would affect our means of communication with the outside world?

One cannot worry about things that have not yet happened but it doesn't hurt to be prepared. Just in case.

We have a fair supply of emergency water; we have batteries on hand, flashlights and a battery operated radio; we have candles and matches; I like to top up the gas in my car when it reaches "half"; right now I have a spare canister of propane on hand for the barbeque. We may not be as prepared as we should be but some of the basics are covered.

As we head into the winter season, my head is consumed with being as prepared and safe as we can be. Which brings me back to the car (always, the car it seems these days!). Not only is the windshield wiper pump not functioning, neither is the rear defrost working up to par. This was confirmed on my drive home last night. Thankfully, the car was already booked in at our neighborhood garage. I just hope it doesn't need a standing appointment throughout the upcoming months.

It pays to be aware of potential emergencies. As I consciously go through this morning, I am reminded of the storage of battery power within our dust buster, power drill and our laptop computers.

There is comfort in knowing I can still tackle emergency vacuuming and drilling situations in case of a power outage and knowledge we have water to wash our hands. It's all good.

Morning Thoughts Tell Me All I Need to Know

My eyes popped open, never to close again in and around 5 a.m. That is okay. It is good. 5:00 a.m. gives me time to do all I want to do with my morning. Which starts with my "morning pages".

My morning thoughts were all about work. What I didn't accomplish last week. What needs to be accomplished this week. Things I know about, all the things that will crop up unexpectedly and everything in between. Work, work and more work thought infiltrated my thought waves.

I started writing which unveiled my deep seated gratitude. I am exactly where I need to be right now. Because ...

My secondary thoughts revolved around my car. Yes. My car. Again. Still. Now? It is the windshield washer pump. It is official. I have only used windshield washer antifreeze for -35ºC or colder. I do not have any light weight summer wiper fluid in the reservoir. The windshield washer pump is not pumping as it should. An appointment is booked.

As I rambled on in my morning pages, I continued to go down the path of my financial state of affairs. #1 goal - pay off money borrowed for exterior house painting this summer; #2 - save up for income taxes owing; #3 - save, save and save some more; #4 - get in the habit of spending less so when retirement does find its way into my life, I am able to live within my means.

Wait a minute!

I have had the nerve to be whiny about the necessity of leaving our home to earn a pay cheque when that very pay cheque is a requirement to sustaining my financial state of existence?!

What if my employers decided my services were no longer required? What if things changed on a dime with either of those I work with and for? Am I ready?

I don't know enough. I haven't saved enough. I have a car that is on life support to sustain its reliability. I presently spend too much money.

I have lived a life where I have had to work, spend wisely and sustain myself. I have had financial back-up systems to help me along the way. I haven't done this all by myself but I have been fully accountable for paying the bills my entire adult life. It will all be okay. It always is.

I need to refresh my memory and remind myself to simply be grateful. I am exactly where I need to be. I always am.

Unexpected Gifts

The weekend is past news. Today is Monday. There is no way to go but forward. Despite the fact I wish the weekend could go on forever, "forward" is a good thing.

I adore weekends. I tentatively map out my hope for what may transpire but for the most part, I simply sit back and let them happen.

Saturday was a quiet day at home. I don't believe I had to speak (much). It was a quiet, reflective day of reading. No, I didn't manage to make it into "Mom's room" to start sorting through the memorabilia that lies within the huge, blue Rubbermaid storage container. Oh well. I read. And it was good.

Sunday was a social day. Mostly at home but I pried myself out of the house to go to a new(er) restaurant near our neighborhood and it was worth the trip. I'll be back!

I had words in me by Sunday. I had energy within. I was felt "full" of everything I needed to make the most of the company I kept.

Books. Popcorn. A small dose of chocolate. Quiet. People. No pressure. No guilt. Not a whole heck of a lot was accomplished. But still ... no guilt.

It was the perfect combination of everything I enjoy. I filled myself up with what I needed most. I took advantage of whatever opportunities arose. Unexpected company was the best gift of all.

The most unexpected gift of the weekend? A pillow. Delivered right to my door. Tried, true and recommended. I have only slept on it one night but I do believe Cinderella has found her one true love - a pillow that conforms to support her neck while remaining soft enough to sleep on.

Thank you, Pillow Gods!! A perfect weekend which I dreamt of as I laid my weary head upon my heavenly pillow.

Life is good.

Opening a Book - The Gift of Words

I have been filling myself up with other people's words recently. I have been reading.  It has been thoroughly enjoyable.

After watching the movie "Judy", I was interested in finding a biography on Judy Garland. I was in the biography section in the library unsuccessful in my quest, when I found Sally Field's memoir "In Pieces" and Chrissy Metz's (from "This is Us") book "This is Me".

I believe I found the books I was meant to read. The thing I love about both of these books is they are autobiographical. No one from the outside, looking in has written the words. They are first person, told from their personal point of view.

Their stories both go back to their first memories, their childhood, the circumstances they were raised in which resulted in a lot of memories about their mothers. As an imperfect mother in an imperfect world, I read their words from the perspective of my own children.

If my three sons were to write a book about their childhood, the mother they knew, their father as they knew him, the circumstances, their challenges, my failings leading up to the people they are today, it would result in three completely different stories.

As I read Sally and Chrissy's books, I thought the same rang true as they spoke of parents as they knew them. Both Sally and Chrissy had other siblings. It sounds as though different children within the same family were treated differently. To write this without context sounds harsh. But from my own personal experience, I know I was a different person as I raised each one of my boys.

Youth, inexperience, struggles within the marriage, finances, job security, my own personal character flaws, outside influences ... everything changed as I went along. I did the best I could at the time and my best changed and evolved over the years. No matter how much I learned along the way, I still made mistakes.

I love the way Sally Field summarizes how she feels as she brings her book to a close. She acknowledges the changing theories on raising a child, she writes of how important the infant to independence years of caring for a child are but she emphasizes that who you become as a person and a parent for the rest of your life matters a lot.

We are all imperfect beings doing the best we can with what we have. I challenge anyone out there to say they have been perfect. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we repeat the mistakes, recycle them, relive them and continue to relearn the lessons we were meant to learn.

We all have different "starting points". We were all raised differently, we have different gene pools, we internalize the world in our own unique way. Some of us learn faster than others. Some may be trapped in circumstances they cannot leave.

Chrissy Metz summarizes it by saying "Hurt people hurt people". Everyone has a story. I am so grateful to have read Sally and Chrissy's stories. Stories where they simply tell the facts as they remember them. Their truth. They don't point fingers and blame others for their circumstances. They acknowledged they wouldn't have become who they needed to be without the challenges they overcame.

I am grateful I stumbled upon autobiographies. They were interesting to read, I learned a lot and these books have piqued my curiosity to learn more, read more, write more and write better.

These little gifts were courtesy of my local library. All for the cost of $0.00. Reading is free of charge. Learning is optional. I love the door these books opened. I appreciate the perspective I have gained as a result of these personal memoirs. Thank you Sally and Chrissy.

Taking Care of the Pennies

Another month has ended and we are one month closer to spring. Unfortunately our days will get shorter before they start lengthening but here we are. November 1st. The dawn of a new calendar page.

With the end of the month comes a renewed state of reviewing my financial well being. It could be better. It could be worse. This week in particular, I am pleased with how I have managed my cash flow.

It all started with some of the most uncomfortable pillows I have owned to date. I have awoken (with a stiff neck) to a SmartSilk pillow paid advertisement more times than I can remember. Nothing speaks to a sore neck better than the promise of a miracle pillow. These pillows are not cheap so I never did take the leap of faith but I have always been intrigued.

Enter "Costco" and the companies who set up shop in their aisles, along with Costco's money back guarantee. The SmartSilk salesman made his pitch. The pillow was on sale for half price. Plus you get a second pillow free. All for the cost of $99.99. I still wasn't sold until he told me there was a money back guarantee. That promise closed the deal.

I purchased these pillows over a month ago. I was brainwashed by the advertising I had heard. I thought I must be sleeping on them wrong because my neck was still stiff. I plumped the pillows. I slept on them on their side. I flipped them over throughout the night. No luck. AND they were heavy and didn't fit in my pillow case. They were (in a word) annoying.

Finally, I woke up with a sore neck for the last time. I scrunched the pillows back into the miniature bag they came in, found my receipt and headed off to Costco. True to the salesman's promise, they refunded my money without question. Thank you, Costco!

I scoured the pillow aisle for the pillow my sister recommended. I couldn't find the one she suggested but for the bargain price of two down-like filled pillows for $17.99, I thought "What can I lose?" The answer? Not a thing!

My returned pillows covered the cost of my new pillows plus all my Costco shopping for the day. Returned pillows minus my new pillows gave me $91.02!! Plus I very much like my new pillows. They are light, fit in my pillow cases and I can scrunch them up to make them work good enough. My neck stiffness has not miraculously been cured but it is definitely no worse.

My second good financial decision was when I noticed my cell phone bill increased by $11.11 for no apparent reason. Upon further investigation I discovered they deleted the special promotion for a $10 credit they had been applying each month. My contract has run out and I wondered if I offered to sign up for a new contract, if they would reinstate my $10.00 promotion. The rep who answered my call could only advise me to check in again with them on Black Friday to see what promotions may be available. But in the meantime, he happily credited my bill the $11.11 I was not expecting. Thank you very much, Bell Canada!

One would think I couldn't do any better. But I did.

I decided to get a flu shot last night and as I wandered the aisles in the store afterwards (they recommended staying in the store for a while in case there was a reaction to the shot), I actually listened to the announcement. Not only was it Senior's Day (20% off) but if you spent $50.00 or more, you would receive a $10.00 gift card. Hmmmm.....

I read that my health insurance will cover the cost of a blood pressure machine if it is prescribed by your doctor. I asked my doctor about it and since I have high blood pressure she wrote the prescription without hesitation. I have been carrying this around with me for months. Then last night's offer sounded like the perfect time to take the plunge. The blood pressure monitor was $69.99, less 20% ($14.00), plus the $10.00 gift card equals a bargain any which way you look at it. If my insurance covers it, it will be a 100% bonus. Thank you, Shoppers Drug Mart!!

My savings this week are $91.02 + $11.11 + $14.00 + $10.00 = $126.13. Granted, I spent $67.19 on the blood pressure monitor so technically it cost me $67.19 to save $126.13 (or in other words, I saved only $91.02 + $11.11 = $102.13). But any which way I look at things, I made some good financial choices this week.

Look after the pennies and the dollars take care of themselves. Listen to announcements while shopping and there may be a bargain with your name on it. If you are unhappy with a product, return it. Take advantage of what your insurance covers. Watch your bills carefully. Call. Ask. Investigate. I could have been told, "I'm sorry but we cannot help you" but I would have never known if I hadn't asked.

The world has been very generous to me this week. I could have moaned and whined about my stiff neck. I could have complained that my cell phone bill increased. I could have continued to carry the prescription for a blood machine monitor in my purse and not utilized it. But I didn't. And I am grateful.