Mother's Day Isn't the Same Without You

It has been a very long time since I sat down and had a letter within me. I couldn't help but think of Mom this morning, on "her day". I thought I'd sit and write my thoughts out loud.

I let my thoughts wander and eventually they settled on "Mother's Day, 2017".

I think we suspected it would be our last Mother's Day together. It all started with this text message Mom asked me to send to my siblings:

Let me backtrack a little further. Mom's health had changed and it had been a worrisome winter. It spilled into spring. I went to Mom's often to quiet my inner angst. I needed to see her, spend time with her and I found it so hard to go home after my visits.

One time, before I left for Mom's, I knew I wanted to give her something tangible. Something to have and to hold when I wasn't there. Something to signify I was "with her" in thought and spirit, even when I wasn't physically there.

I had two angel pins. One had a little "diamond" chip on it; the other wasn't quite as delicate looking but it had a topaz stone in it. When I grabbed those angels as I ran out the door as I was headed out to Mom's, I didn't have an agenda. I didn't know what words would come. I just knew they would.

My intention was to write a note and leave the gift behind for her to discover after I left. That didn't happen. I was leaving Mom's and as always, she escorted me to my car and we said our good byes in her driveway. I had my angels in hand and still didn't know what words were going to go with them but I was right. The words came:

"Here is a little angel to wear on your shoulder, to symbolize my presence when I am not here. You are in my thoughts and this is for you to have, to remind you that you are not alone ..."

I had the two angels in my hand and asked her to choose one. The choice was obvious. Her birthday is in April (diamond birthstone), mine is in November (topaz birthstone). Besides, the angel with the "diamond" chip was much more delicate and was the one I would have chosen to give her.

Fast forward to our Mother's Day lunch some weeks later. When we saw each other, she leaned in close to me and pointed to the small angel on her shoulder. "I thought you would be wearing yours," she said quietly. "I did! I did! It's on my coat in the back seat of the car. I wanted to put it on something I wear every day..."

As we suspected, that was our last Mother's Day with Mom. She died September 6th, less than four months later.

Death is so final. You feel it so acutely for such a long time. We knew Mom was sick. We felt the end coming. We knew "lingering" would never have been her choice. Our heads knew it all. We had time to do and say and be who we most needed to be during those months. Yet when she stopped breathing, it felt like a sucker punch to the heart. It hurt.

There are so many details to tend to after losing a loved one. So many. In one of those many moments of planning, I had a moment of clarity. Mom's angel pin. It must be with her in the end. She was still in my thoughts. The significance of the "angel on her shoulder" was even keener than in the beginning. She was buried with her angel pin.

I wore my angel on my shoulder for a very long time afterwards. I would rub it like a worry stone when my heart hurt and it would ease the ache.

Mom once said that having so much to do in the aftermath of a death can be a blessing in disguise. Keeping busy is not a bad thing when one is dealing with the trauma of loss. She was right.

Tending to her house, her estate and all the loose ends one must do gave me an excuse to go out to Mom's with and without my sisters in the weeks and months to come. I never did start missing going to Mom's because I got to continue to go and stay "with her" in her home until it sold.

The house she was so adamant in staying in, was such a gift to us after losing Mom. I returned time and time again, wandered through the rooms and just breathed in her presence, felt all the feelings being in her home allowed me to feel and just remembered.

One of Mom's neighborhood rabbits. I snapped this picture September 24th and sent it to my siblings, with the caption:
"Feeling serene and enjoying the morning. Just thought I'd share the joy."

I loved watching the rabbits at Mom's, which explains my obsession with the rabbits that have moved into our neighborhood.

I haven't seen a rabbit for well over a week now. I keep looking for them but without the allure of rabbit treats under our fir tree, the rare times I spot them they are hopping through and don't linger. They've moved onto greener pastures.

I had a strong hunch if I settled in this morning, I would be pleasantly surprised with a visitation from one of our rabbits. I was right:

Coffee in hand, rabbit in our front yard, thoughts of Mom in my head ... I pinned my angel onto my shoulder. I think if Mom had any choice in the matter, she would be saying, "Here is a little angel to wear on your shoulder, to symbolize my presence when I am not here. You are in my thoughts and this is for you to have, to remind you that you are not alone ..."

No More Roots!

Never have I been quite this excited about coloring my hair. I wanted to not care. I wanted to ride out the dark/gray roots and let natural aging win. Vanity ruled the day.

My aunt keeps me grounded. "You aren't going to look 20 again just because you color your hair!"

My reply? "I don't want to look 20. But I would like to look 55."

I look every one of my years but in reality, I don't want to look older than I am. If coloring my hair helps me feel a little bit better about looking at the reflection in the mirror, so be it.

Vanity swoops in for the win today. Reality wins in every other way.

What little thing can you do for yourself today? Do it! You will be glad you did.

Observations

Is it just me? Or are others noticing things they have never seen before as we navigate our course through this coronavirus era?

I have never had dry wrists before. Apparently I've been washing my hands wrong all these years. Moisturizing my hands up and beyond my wrists is becoming my new normal.

All the added hand washing has led to much more time in front of the mirror. I have decided to wear eyeliner "just for me". I don't like the look of myself much to start with, but the lack of "eyes" makes it harder to accept my appearance as it is.

Speaking of my appearance, all this mirror-gazing has led me to the decision to dye my roots after all. There is a LOT of gray throughout my head of hair. Vanity swoops in for the save.

I've been battling a sore eye for three weeks now. I sleep with eye drops at my side so I can hydrate my eyes when they wake up dry and sore in the middle of the night. I finally thought I was on the other side of the sore-eye-syndrome until I decided to put on eye liner after the weekend. My eye soreness resumed almost immediately. Is there a connection? I'll experiment another day. I have the time.

I have started dressing up for my day job. Primarily because not only have I outgrown my jeans (this was prior to self isolating), but my yoga pants are even tight! My new exercise regimen of walking to the printer numerous times throughout the day may make a difference in the long run. But for now? My dress pants are the only comfortable attire I own. The bonus is, I feel better about the way I look when I find myself in front of the mirror (again), washing my hands.

I find myself gazing out the living room window throughout my days, which has actually created some excitement about making time for window washing this weekend. I have disciplined myself to work within my allotted work hours, otherwise I may be tempted to squeeze this task into my work day like I used to putter at little household and yard tasks during my Daycare Days.

There is no multitasking in the bookkeeping world. You work or you don't. I choose to work. I am so very grateful for the job I have. In fact, I can honestly say I LIKE what I am doing. I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize this. Chores can wait. I am so pleased to actually be looking forward to tackling something outside of my home office.

I am seeing life through a new filter. Since I'm home so much, the incentive to tackle the yard work and housework is higher than usual. It is less of an item to stroke off my eternal to-do-list and more of an incentive in improving my daily scenery.

It's going to be a busy weekend. Hair coloring, window washing and raking. The trick will be to do this in the right order. I'm not so bored that I choose to deal with the aftermath of washing my hair more than one time during my days off.

What is coming into focus for you as you make your way through this time of self-isolation, social distancing and extra-curricular hand washing?

I am grateful for a life that is so unaffected by all that is going on within this world of ours, that I can waste my energy pondering such inane thoughts. I've always appreciated living within this safe little bubble I call my life. As we walk further into the days of COVID-19 pandemic, I am grateful. So grateful for what I have.

Best. Afternoon. Ever.

Into each life, a little rain must fall 

(I believe it is said and I'm too lazy to Google this to site a source so let me just say I've heard this somewhere before)

After the rain, look upwards and you may find a rainbow.

After a tough day, look outside and there is a very good chance nature will reward you with signs of hope, life and a sense of peace.

I walked out of my 24 hour "worst day ever" and into my second place of employment.

Enter ... the rabbits!

We sat on the deck, marveled at the glorious day. 

The snow is all but gone.

The sun was shining.

Life was good.

Then the rabbits started to appear. One. Two. Three. Four. At least four of them.

They paired up and played.

They hopped off into the distance, crossed the street and then came back.

One rabbit was primarily white, a second was white with its summer coat starting to emerge,

the third and fourth rabbits were mostly brown.

They came close to where we sat and allowed us to marvel over them without fear.

They frolicked and amused us for the better part of an hour.

The Rabbit Hour was the best gift I could have ever hoped for.

Then I woke up this morning.

I made a cup of coffee and did not fast track into my day.

"I need to sit, be still, watch nature and turn away from all things technological"

That is exactly what I did.

Then guess who hopped by to nibble on the last of the rabbit kibble I scattered under our tree last night in the hope of attracting my furry, long eared friends:

Life is good.

Turn off the news.

Look outside.

Better yet, sit outside if you can do so safely.

And wait.

The best is yet to come...

Worst. Day. Ever.

**Please note: everything is relative. I lead a very easy life so "worst days" for me are truly not all that bad. This I know. Everything that follows this disclaimer is written from my own personal perspective on one particular day.**

Have you ever had a turning point in your day when you realize in hind sight, that you should have just walked away and tried again another day?  Me too.

This particular challenging day began with the best of intentions. Everything was going well so I decided to do just one quick thing as I tied up my work day at home and headed out to my out-of-house employment.

"I'll just do this [one thing] so I'm all set to go for tomorrow", I thought to myself with a self satisfied sigh.

That "one thing" did not go well. Technical difficulties at every turn. Trouble shooting tips from Google led to one, two, three, four and more different attempts to salvage the mission at hand. Then I had to leave the house.

Walking away from a challenge is often one of the best things one can do. Rebooting the computer is another favorite standby of mine. I did both. "Everything's gonna be okay" I told myself time and time and time again.

Then I made the mistake of going back to try to solve this after I got home from work. I often say that anything I do or say after 6:00 p.m. is equivalent to driving while under the influence of alcohol. I do not function on an intelligent level after the magic hour of 6:00 at night. I call it "impaired speaking".

Yet, I decided to try to fix a mind boggling technical issue after 7:00 p.m. Then I involved a second computer. What was I thinking?!??

Things went from bad to worse. I tried every trouble shooting mechanism known to me at the time. I tried, tried and tried again. I rebooted computers more often than I washed my hands that day. Reboot. Restart. Walk away. Try, try again.

I'm starting to see why I kept going back to relationships that didn't work for me - I used the same strategy.

After a long, frustrating evening I finally turned everything off and assured myself that I would wake up in the morning and on a fresh, clean, rested brain I would solve all the technical computer issues at hand.

Sure enough, I woke up with a brand new and shiny plan. A new day. A fresh start. Onward ...

Then things went from bad to worse. And even worse yet. I even messed up my online grocery order in an irreparable way. Even my email program defied me. Outbound messages sat in the Outbox folder and refused to go anywhere.

Everything I touched went awry. I couldn't even get one computer to turn on. These are not my computers. I was panicking, anxious and didn't know which way to turn.

The feeling of angst and helplessness I had were akin to the worst days of my life when I had no idea which way to turn. Those were the days I crumbled to the ground, looked upward and whispered, "Help me ..."

It is at those times when things feel like they cannot get any worse that can become the much needed turning point.

Some people pray. I called my Computer Guy.

I told him my story. I warned him it was a long one with many twists and turns. I started to talk. He listened. Then he started to reply. I responded, "But there is more ..." I kept telling my tale. He kept thinking I was at the end of my story. I kept saying, "But there is even more ..." This cycle repeated at least three times. Maybe four.

"Can you help me over the phone? I will pay you for your time. I will do anything." I implored. Unfortunately the damage I had done was more than an amateur troubleshooter like me could handle. This was a job for a professional.

This is the part of the never ending story where the soundtrack changes to a light and hopeful tone. The sun comes out, melts the snow, there is a twinkle in the skies above and up drives my Computer Guy. I'm pretty sure he was wearing a superhero cape.

He called before he arrived so I could put the troubled computer on our doorstep so we adhered to all COVID-19 distancing requirements. I was inside the house, he was outside, we spoke, then he drove off on his white stallion (okay, it was only a car) and the heaviness of the day was lifted off my shoulders.

I turned around, tried reloading the program that started all the trouble on a new program on my own personal computer ...

While it was loading, my online grocery order had enough time on its own to allow me to go back and salvage the many errors of my ways.

The computer program loaded successfully and I was able to complete the mission I had set out to do 24 hours prior.

Twenty four hours. It took one full day. Suddenly my Worst. Day. Ever. turned into the Best Recovery I could have ever hoped for.

Everything that went sour turned on its haunches and turned out okay.

It all works out in the end. If it doesn't work out, it is not yet the end. 

~ slightly paraphrased from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

I know this "worst day ever" was a walk in the park compared to the realities going on all around us. I know this. Yet I couldn't stop the spiraling anxiousness and feeling of being overwhelmed. 

Yesterday felt like I was a contestant on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. I used all my lifelines. It turns out "calling a friend (aka: a computer professional)" was a game changer for me. 

In these days of isolation, confinement, health, family and financial worries DO use your lifelines. "Calling a friend" may be a game changer for you too.

Hope Springs Eternal

I'm a bit of a dreamer. 

I like to think I'm an optimistic thinker. 

Gratitude is my daily prayer. 

Faith is simply my belief that (one way or another), things will work out. 

Some how. 

Some way. 

The sun always rises. 

We get a new chance every day. 

Even when we don't want it. 

The sun keeps shining through the closed blinds 

as if to beckon us out of whatever moment we are in 

and invite us to open the blinds to behold the wonder of life.

I had a very quiet weekend.

I love quietness.

I took one day to do all the hard things.

I washed my hair.

I vacuumed.

I washed a load of "whites".

I washed the shower curtain.

I wrote a blog.

I replied to an email.

Then I rested.

I woke up yesterday to a fresh new day.

All the hard things had been done.

A clean slate.

I knew exactly what I wanted to write on that slate.

I wanted to work.

And I did.

I put in a productive day.

I did hard things.

Then I rested.

I slept in this morning.

I missed the early morning dawn when I normally spot our neighborhood rabbits.

I know for a fact we have three rabbits.

I suspect we have four.

One morning, I saw one rabbit. 

I dubbed this rabbit "Loner",

because there always seems to be one rabbit who is set apart from the rest.

Loner hopped out of sight.

I waited.

I wondered if "The Twins" would appear.

We have a set of rabbits who seem to travel together.

When you see one, the other is usually in sight.

Then there is "A Third" who sometimes joins them.

Sometimes not.

I waited only a few moments.

I was rewarded with the appearance of "The Twins", 

soon followed by "The Third".

Yes,

"I think we have four rabbits",
I told my son who is tiring of my rabbit tales.

I thought I had no hope of spotting a rabbit at this morning's late hour.

I opened the blinds.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear ...

but FOUR rabbits!

Now, my question is:

"Do we have four rabbits?

(the Loner, Twins & a Third) ...

or do we have eight rabbits??

The only other time I spotted four rabbits at the same time

is when they hopped in from the south 

and joined the Twins & a Third (Loner had already taken off to the west).

Four rabbits at one sighting.

In the daylight.

So I could document the moment.

I felt like this morning's rabbit sighting was a reward.

A pat on the back for doing the hard things this weekend past.

A nod of approval that sleeping in is okay.

A sign that just because we don't see something doesn't mean it isn't there.

And a definite sign of spring!

The rabbits are shedding their winter coats,

the snow is melting,

daylight is exceeding moonlight,

and it is (finally) warming up.

The sun rises every morning.

Spring is guaranteed to follow winter.

Eventually.

It sometimes feels there is little we know to be true these days.

We don't know how long before we can reignite our social lives and our economy

as this COVID-19 pandemic rules the world.

We don't know the lasting impact this will have.

We don't know who will be infected.

We have no idea how this virus could infiltrate our lives.

Just keep waking up.

Open the blinds and gaze outside.

Do one of the hard things you didn't do yesterday. 

Or not.

You can do hard things tomorrow too.

Rest.

Always rest.

Be grateful for the smallest of things.

Prepare to be amazed.

Marvel at the world around you and dare to wonder ...

This morning

I am wondering

do we just have four rabbits in our midst,

or eight?

Either way,

With spring, comes baby rabbits.

Hope springs eternal.

The Evolution of Customized Shelving

Phase I - The Before

This is the closet in "Mom's Room" which has been emptied, primed, painted and waiting for book shelves for a year now:

Phase II - The Messy Middle

Mom's books have had several homes since they moved in with me. 

First, most of them resided in their future home, in a free standing book shelf which was in "Mom's Room", with the excess in bookshelves in various other locations.

During last year's renovations, all of the books were moved into the enclosed shelving within our laundry room. There was plenty of room for all the books and I could easily find any book I was looking for.

This past Christmas, my son gave me the gift of offering to build a bookshelf for the books. So I lugged up all of the books and laid them out in the fashion I hoped they could be displayed in the middle of the floor of the room which would become their eventual "forever home".

My son then advised me that he would need room to navigate while building said shelves, so I moved the books into the spare bedroom. So many books. The excess spilled over from the containers which held them, onto the spare beds within that room.

This too, would serve to be a temporary home for my library-in-waiting. We ended up with a house full of company and every single bed in our home was needed and utilized. So I moved the books once again. This is where Mom's library of books is at this very moment:

My son has had a fully committed winter so the tentative goal for the installation of the customized bookshelves he designed and created was set for "sometime before April".

Then came the self isolation mandates during this time of the 2020 coronavirus. Life as we knew it stopped in its tracks.

Phase III - The It's Ready for Paint Step

This photo came with the message "I hope you're okay with how it looks".

And I was. I have vision and could see it in its final stage even when it was lined up against a wall in its ready-to-be-painted-and-assembled period.

Phase IV - The Almost There Stage

Last weekend, my son delivered but, due to the distancing and isolation recommendations,

could not install the shelving. It is presently residing in the basement awaiting the green light before the final installation of this saga continues:

These are lying on the floor and I rotated the picture to give the illusion of what it will look like once installed inside the closet. It will be an L-shaped shelving unit with room for smaller books to the right of the main event.

We are so close. So very close! 

Phase V - To be Announced

I cannot wait ...