I Had a Thought ... but I lost it

I'm not quite sure what my problem is, but I will attribute my mindlessness to month-end tasks and a variety of work-yet-to-do within my home office. I can't seem to hold onto a thought.

I don't seem to think too deeply these days. I hope this passes because I used to enjoy my thoughts.

I was walking through my morning and had a nice thread of thoughts going on. I thought "I should write about that". But somewhere between that thought and my computer screen, it got lost in the shuffle of the morning.

I was washing my sheets, vacuumed my room and accomplished a small bit of work beyond my home office. And poof! It was gone. 

I hope my mindlessness is a sign I'm living in the present. In the mean time I'm feeling just a little bit out to lunch.

I Can Do Hard Things

I looked at the ingredients within our refrigerator just begging to be assembled. 

And I did it!

Spaghetti & meat sauce; salad; ground turkey fried up and ready to be frozen (so the next "assembly" of ingredients will be simple); and a sandwich for my packed lunch.

Whew! 

Kitchen duty - done

Cat litter chores - complete

A load of laundry in the wash

Garbage is out

I'm ready for the day now.

It took two hours to tend to all my tasks,

but now I get to do the easy things.

I just have to go to work.

 

I Think I Need a Holiday

I wandered down our hallway to find our two furry felines doing what they do best:

I am so envious.

I'm ready for not only a "cat day", but a "cat week".

Thank goodness a long weekend is right around the corner.

It'll do.

Back to Reality

I did it. I went out. I survived. But it wasn't easy.

The "bar scene" is not my favorite any day of the week. Twelve days past the removal of COVID restrictions was simply the icing on the cake.

I find it reassuring in the stores to see most of the staff still wearing their masks. The plexiglass between the cashier and customer remains. Most people in the line up remain two metres apart. Even without the stickers and arrows directing traffic in the store aisle, the stores I have frequented remain somewhat "distanced". 

In the bar? No such thing. 

None of the staff wore masks. Tables are close together. No plexiglass in sight. To hear someone talk, you had to be two inches apart. Two metres? Not a chance.

People, people, people. Hugging people. Shoulder to shoulder people. So many people. 

But you know? You get used to it. Will I feel more comfortable after two weeks pass and I don't hear this bar was a COVID hot spot? You bet. But once I was in it, I surrendered to whatever fate may have in store.

I'm fully vaccinated. The people I went out with were vaccinated. One can only assume the majority of the people in the bar were vaccinated. The risk of infection is minimal. I know this.

All of this on my mind and there was ONE thing that superseded all of my worries:

People ARE still coloring their hair!! I went out in public with nine months worth of roots on full display. I felt like my "silver" hair caught what little light there was and reflected it in all its glory.

My circle has been so small since COVID. I really thought the world would take this chance to let their true colors show. 

I was wrong. Reality is not all it's cracked up to be. 

A Small Goal

If I had only one goal to fulfill, it would be this: "I never want to wake up feeling dread for the day ahead of me".

Sounds easy. 

We all have these days. A day of dread. Dreading work. Dreading a day of too much, too little, too stressful, too hard. Challenging relationships. Financial woes. Hard decisions. Lacking motivation. Depression. Anxiety. Ill health. Concern over loved ones.

The feeling of not wanting to face up to the day is not my worry alone. 

My anxiety this morning is not a big, onerous, worrisome concern. It is a social outing. I must go out with people. I must meet up with people on unfamiliar territory. I must walk into a situation I am completely uncomfortable with. 

This is the first post-COVID invitation I have accepted. I have some angst over being in a crowded area without social distancing and masks involved. There will be people talking loudly. I visualize the mist of saliva wafting through the air.

There will be laughter and joy. Comedy and music. Enjoying the talent family members have honed, with my family. 

The sad thing is, I cannot wait to wake up tomorrow morning and have this all behind me. 

I should have declined the invitation. Maybe I can still wiggle out of it. 

I have been here before. Doing hard things for me, means accepting invitations. 99.9% of the time, I am grateful to have walked through the hard and got to the other side AND enjoyed myself in the process. I am 90% certain I will wake up tomorrow morning with a happiness hangover. 

But today? I just want to live the life of a cat. Not a care in the world other than finding the most comfortable spot to savor the day. I highly doubt our furry felines wake up dreading the day ahead of them. Then again, who knows? 

Same Same Same

I love routine. Ruts. Same old, same old. I like to know what to expect on a day-to-day basis.

I thought of this as I made my breakfast smoothie - a routine I adopted over twenty years ago, from a smoothie recipe my middle child brought home when he was in Grade 8. Every morning, it is the same thing. I've adapted the recipe a little over the years but I almost always start my day with a breakfast smoothie.

Then I made a sandwich for the supper meal I pack up with me daily. I will eat the same sandwich until I run out of that particular ingredient. "Don't you ever get tired of sandwiches?" I am asked. Heavens no! Anything I don't have to think about when I assemble the ingredients is fine by me. As long as I like the ingredients. Repetition = easy.

I now have the luxury of having lunch at home. This offers all the variety I need. Once again, my choices are of the same old, same old variety. What I choose to eat is dictated by what may be nearing its expiry date in the fridge or what is quickest and easiest to prepare. Prior to working from home, I packed up two granola bars to eat as I worked. A granola bar without chocolate = a meal. Good enough! And I would run out the door with my repetitive meals on board.

I am pretty easy to please when it comes to eating. It is when I am trying to please others when I stress out a little. Most people enjoy variety. I would prefer it if people thought, "Oh, I'm going to Colleen's. It will be spaghetti & meat sauce. Again." I wouldn't mind being associated with one meal and one meal only. But since variety is the spice of life, I have about five supper meals I rotate when absolutely necessary. 

Clothes. Same thing.

I would love to go to a closet that had as few choices as necessary. Long sleeved, short sleeved or no sleeved tops. Perhaps two or three color choices. Jeans, capris or comfy pants. Black or denim is the only option required. Shoes? Comfort is all that matters. Comfort and preferably no holes in the soles.

My favorite option when it comes to online grocery orders is the "easy reorder". Yes!!! All my favorites in one spot. Click, click, click some more. The only decision required is "how many?". Same thing with Amazon. The "buy again" tab has my name all over it.

Extra curricular activities? Aaack. Not my favorite. Surprise me. Show up on my doorstep. Call me and ask "Do you want to do something right now (or within a few hours)?" My favorite part of having a part time home in the town where my sister lives, is finding her on my doorstep or driving up the driveway and popping in. I love it! Love it!! Love it!!! 

I can be lost in my small little world of same-ness with a little variety tossed in to spice things up a bit. But I thrive on routine. 

It is said that variety is the spice of life. I tend to believe "life" is spicy enough. The best way for me to handle the curve balls life tends to throw into a day/week/month/year is to maintain as much same-ness as possible. The fewer decisions I must make on a regular basis, the better equipped I am, to handle whatever comes my way.

It works for me. What works for you?

A morning smoothie with a cup of coffee on the side is the best part of waking up!

Valuing What We Already Have

This morning, I had a fleeting memory of a friend from long ago. She was a single mom. She wanted the best for her child. We worked together in a financial institution. She was fired when it was discovered she forged a withdrawal from an inactive bank account. We never spoke of this indiscretion but remained friends afterward.

The last time I visited with her, she was married and living "the good life" in a beautiful new house with no financial worries. It would appear she had it all. Except I walked away from our visit sensing something amiss. Her eyes weren't happy. There was something missing that money couldn't buy.

I'll never know what became of her. We lost touch and went on to live our own lives.

I have no idea why that memory surfaced this morning. The feeling I had when I walked away from that visit where everything looked perfect on the outside. I remember thinking "money can't buy happiness" and the look in those eyes are a reminder to this day.

If I have one trait I am willing to commend myself on, I would say it is the lack of envy. I don't want what others have. I don't look at material wealth, belongings, relationships, careers, vacations, physical attributes and feel jealous. I appreciate what others have but know if I want things differently for myself, I must do the work to get there.

Living a comfortable life, where I have the ability to pay the bills to keep a roof over our head, food and fuel to sustain us and an income that provides for day-to-day living is a blessing. 

It goes without saying that harmony within that very home, healthy relationships and physical/mental health and mobility top my list gratitude list.

But I am my mother's daughter. Once those creature comforts are met and sustained, my home and how I feel in it and about it tops my priority list, as far as material desires and wishes. 

Our home renovations a few years ago were a time of great joy. Spiffing up what we had with new flooring, doors, light fixtures, window coverings and new paint felt like more of a revival than a renovation. We carried that maintenance outside and our home felt loved again.

I didn't buy new furniture, pictures or accessories of any kind (well, I did buy a new soap dispenser, a red hand towel and oven mitts for the kitchen). I didn't need to go hog wild. I just wanted to maintain what we had and everything else was good enough. At least until the cats die. Then it is my mission to buy new living room furniture.

I feel very much the same way when it comes to this new little home-away-from-home I've adopted. I gaze across the street and see lovely newer homes with well maintained yards. I don't want what they have. I want what we already own to reflect a certain pride of ownership. Just spiff things up, clean and maintain what we have then just dream of future plans that reflect what we hope for. 

I don't envy those who have what I don't have. But I can't wait to wander aimlessly through the streets to see what others have done with their yards and see what ideas we can borrow from others. 

But there is something I must confess. I do have a pretty strong case of "laundry room envy". I look at other people's clean, functional laundry rooms with cool features like flooring, actual finished ceilings and a clean organized space to hang and fold laundry ... and I am envious.

I know I have nothing to complain about. Our laundry room has come a long way. The washer and dryer actually sit beside each other now (instead of across the room). We have a wall of shelving to die for. There is room within the laundry room to house our furnace, water heater, a spare fridge and all of our cat's needs. All it really needs is flooring, a ceiling and a clean folding space to complete my wish list.

But my home-away-from-home? I am grateful it came with a functioning washer and dryer. We would be lost without that. But beyond that? It's got a long way to go.

As Mike Holmes would say, we must start with the foundation. It's pretty scary in that basement. Creepy may be an apt description. With that new foundation will come the potential for the laundry room I've always wished for. Maybe. I'll still settle for a fully functional washer and dryer. For without those, a beautiful laundry room has no function.

Seeing the value in what we already have is key to feeling "rich". I have everything money can't buy. And I am grateful.

War Against the Ants

In the seemingly ongoing saga on "Us" verses "The Ants", I believe we have hit another stalemate. At least the ants are hiding this morning.

I returned from the weekend to notice ants teeming by the back door mat. We have a few ant traps in that area and the strategy behind the ant traps is not to kill the ants, as they are supposedly taking the bait home to the Queen Ant and this is how the colony is destroyed.

It is extremely hard to watch an ant and let it go on its merry way but I had faith that being out of the house a few days would give the ant traps an opportunity to do their work without having to watch the ants in motion.

I have no idea if I was wrong, but all reasoning went out the window when the ants kept marching on. On the kitchen counters. On the fridge. Wandering through the kitchen. A few even found their way to the bathroom.

I killed every ant I saw. I washed down the surfaces. I sprayed a heavy concentrate of vinegar and water to erase the scent of ant trails. All to no avail.

RAID to the rescue! No more messing around. "Kills on Contact"; "Defense system - Attack Control"; "Insect Killer". It may sound extreme but I am desperate.

I sprayed as much as I dared to spray in the hope of killing off the ants without doing in our cats. Thankfully our felines show no interest in hunting down, killing and eating the invasive species (I have a feeling they may enjoy a pet mouse as a toy, so have little faith our house is safe from rodents should they find a way in). It is my hope this will do the trick.

I haven't spotted an ant yet this morning. We may have a temporary ceasefire.

Nature has taken over the exterior of our little home-away-from home. Weeds are growing where the grass should be. Bugs have made their home in the nooks and crannies of the house siding and decks. Everywhere I look, I am reminded that nature will step in where humans leave an opportunity. 

It's one thing when nature takes its course outside. It's quite another when they set up residence inside the foundation of one's home.

A solid foundation, free of infestation of any kind is a good basis to build a life and home. Everything starts from there.

Weeds

Have you ever had so many weeds, you decide to pick them according to species? My guess is when most people have that many weeds, they simply spray them with a broad spectrum weed killer and annihilate ALL the weeds. That is most likely what I should have done but instead, my day began by telling myself "I'll just pick the thistles".

As I was picking thistles, I noticed a yellow flowered invasive species dominating the front yard. My research tells me these are "goat's beard". I knew they weren't dandelions but they certainly looked like a weed. So I picked thistles and goat's beard, deciding to leave the dandelions, clover, portulaca, yet another yellow-flowered weed, fox tail, a silver leafed variety of weed and more weeds than I can name for another day. 

I have no idea how many fir trees there are in this lot. What I can say, is there are so many that they have created a privacy hedge between the house and road. There are fir trees in the front yard, the back yard, the side yard and the yard that goes beyond the driveway. Add a drought to a lawn that is fighting for survival due to the root system of all the trees and the only sprigs of grass that have survived are quack grass. 

Mowing the "lawn" does little more than kick up a dust storm and spread the weed seeds around. There is really little, to no grass to mow. Thus, I set out on my mission to pick weeds by the type I most wanted to be rid of.

It is an endless task. I am no where near complete. The lot is huge. Where the lot ends there is a street-side section of "grass" (more weeds). Then there are what I think are tree saplings sprouting up in a few different areas. 

I concentrated on the front, side and back yard and started picking weeds that are growing on the driveway. It was only when I was walking home from the store when I noticed the excess of yard that has gone wild. I filled a large black garbage bag with weeds and I have not made a dent in the task at hand.

As I questioned my sanity and explained myself to the neighbors who dropped by, I was convinced I had taken on a job that one good spray would have handled.

Then ... I discovered this:  

"Bluebells!!", my inner child screamed inside my thoughts. I have no idea what these are officially called, but I remember walking through the natural terrain on our farm as a child and I have called them bluebells ever since. I was immediately transported to a time where I was young and without a care in the world. 

The next day, I noticed this:

A wild rose. We have a front yard full of wild roses that have been mowed down regularly. This brave little flower revealed itself to me as if to say "Save us! We are here just waiting to be nurtured".

Then behind a few fir trees I found what may or may not be a daisy, on its way out of its flowering season.

If we had sprayed the yard, we would have lost all that Mother Nature was offering.

It was like I had gone for a walk in a field. All this nature was in our very own front yard.

Feeling Like Home

Since we got possession of our little oasis, I have spent five out of six weekends there. The weekends have been seasoned generously with family, work-around-the-house-and-yard, regular meals and a little rest & relaxation.

This time felt different. 

I arrived Friday night at around 8:15. I wandered around the house and yard, then started picking a few weeds. I picked weeds and then transferred my ambition to the peeling paint on the back door frame. I picked and scraped and puttered for quite a while. It didn't feel like work. It felt good.

Time passed easily. The next thing I knew, the sun was setting and I took Mother Nature's cue and called it a day.

I awoke at 5:00 a.m. the next morning and went through my morning routine. I made my breakfast smoothie and had a cup of coffee. I altered my routine by doing ONE thing differently. I changed out of my pj's and wore yoga pants and a comfy top instead. That way, I could sit outside and feel dressed. 

This also provided one unexpected bonus. Instead of sitting still, I started sanding the door frame I had scraped the previous night.

One thing led to another and the next thing I knew, the day was done and I was ready to call it a day. I showered, walked over to the grocery store and soaked up all the cool, air conditioned air I possibly could, picked up a few vegetable courses for my meal and came home.

I sat down at the end of the day and felt good. So good. So good, that I had a repeat performance of productivity levels the next day.

I spent the bulk of my weekend in the yard. Puttering. One task led to another, then another and then some more. I ran out of weekend before I ran out of work.

"Before"

(actually after the deck was cleaned up enough to stain)

After

Three neighbors came over and introduced themselves. I'm so glad we moved in the summer. Being outside makes it so much easier to be neighborly. Plus, I was busy working and sweating so there was no expectation of looking "good". I am who I am, crazy hair, frizzled with humidity, old clothes and adorned simply by the glow of a sense of "happy" that feels better than any makeup I've ever worn.

This is the first weekend I didn't see a family member but neighbors stepped up and stepped in to fill the void. It felt like the world was telling me "Family is good. Friendly neighbors are all around. Just look up." One of my new neighbors even told me of all the connections I already have within this community. 

I feel full to the brim. I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be and heading in a direction I was destined to find.

I feel like I'm home. 

I Wanted to Stay

The temptation to spend Sunday night at my little home-away-from-home was strong. I could have stayed. An early morning commute this morning could have put me where I needed to be in time for my work day. But I came home. Time to catch my breath and transition back to my regularly scheduled life won.

Sunday morning coffee on the back deck at my home-away-from-home

Monday morning coffee at home

 When I realized I could not head out to this little oasis this upcoming Friday due to a social commitment (I miss COVID restrictions already), I literally sighed aloud in a room by myself, "Oh NO!!" 

I don't want to go home! Don't get me wrong. I still love being home. But to love how I feel in this new home-away-from home? What a wonderful feeling!

Cat Tails

We have two cats. Cats who normally make their presence known by patting us for positive attention or scratching furniture to get any kind of attention. When I sit down at the end of my day, it is not unusual to find both cats hanging around or on top of me. But if they aren't around, I am pretty certain they are hanging around in their Other Favorite Person's bedroom. 

Normally, I don't seek out to find our cats but I should be triggered to remember to look if one cat is grabbing all the attention and there is no other cat around. Especially when both of "their people" are in the same room.

On two recent occasions, I didn't notice one cat was missing for an undetermined amount of time. I do know the cat who normally sleeps at the foot of my bed had been AWOL two nights in a row. I had no vivid recollection of the last time I had seen him. I just knew I had opened the door to our den a day or so prior. So when his absence was finally noticed, I simply opened that door. Voila! One black cat, looking none the worse for wear nor stressed about the entire ordeal. He simply ambled out of the room, looking for a scratch on the neck or some form of attention. No big deal.

The second time the same cat was missing in action, we did catch on within the same day. Once again, the door was opened and he calmly walked out ready to join us in the living room and reap the rewards of two humans being available to love on him. I knew for a fact I had double checked that room before I closed the door and left the house. I checked everywhere in sight but I did not check under the couch.

This morning, I walked by the den and noticed this:

Aha!! They DO hide under the couch sometimes!! I knew it had to be true but I was hesitant to believe it until I had proof.

Then our Master Hider appeared in the hallway. It was his partner in cathood who did not know he had to tuck his tail under the couch to hide effectively. 

Our little black cats provide us with endless entertainment, joy, cat hair and Cat Tales. 

Wisps of Hope

Something has shifted in my list of priorities. Gazing out our living room watching, waiting and hoping to spot one of our neighbor rabbits hop by has fallen by the wayside.

I open the blinds and sometimes forget to scour the streets to see if I can spot a rabbit hiding in plain sight. I miss the snow and evidence of their presence when I'm not looking, by finding rabbit tracks in the snow.

I wonder about the fate of our neighborhood rabbits. Are they still around? Has something killed them off or scared them away? Why haven't I spotted a rabbit for so long? 

I walked to the mailbox to mail a letter this morning, when what to my wondering eyes should appear? But a rabbit!!

This little rabbit did not run off and hide. Instead, it kept about one house ahead of me until it finally veered off in the opposite direction.

My faith was restored. I smiled a little smile and my heart was happy.

Then I came home and look what I spotted in our front yard. 

Five "white patches" (just the size of a rabbit perhaps?)

Could it be?? Could rabbits be hanging out and shedding the last of their winter white fur coat? 

Or ... are these spider webs? 

I choose to believe it is rabbits, leaving evidence of their presence in the only way they can without snow.

Wisps of hope are all around. 

Stop and hope and wonder.

Wish for impossible things.

Take time to appreciate the small stuff.

It's worth it. 

The Domino Effect

One decision. One action. One move in a forward direction has the power to change so much.

I write this sentence and my life flashes before my eyes. All the times one move in a forward direction after making a hard choice has changed my world forever.

Today's story is just one example of the power of choice. It all started with the words, "Random idea for you to think about ..." 

It was as if I walked into a chess game with all the game pieces already in play and all I had to do was make ONE move and the game played out as well as we could have ever hoped for (as far as we know so far).

So many variables came into play. Each and every game player was in a time and space to make a move. Each of us made calculated decisions based on exactly where we were at that place and time. In no time flat, an offer was on the table for a small house in small town Saskatchewan. The rest is history-in-the-making.

The seller of the property was in a place where they accepted our offer. That is a story I will most likely never know. I just hope their decision to sell at this particular time has been a choice that has had a positive effect in their life.

In the short term, this investment has opened up a whole realm of possibilities for my co-owner. This move changed their possible range of trajectories in a direction which feels nothing short of amazing.

In the long term, this could become my future home in retirement. I am asked on a regular basis to question the wisdom of this decision. I fully believe and my constant answer is "There are about a billion little things that must fall into place between 'now' and 'then', but I have faith that all will work out exactly how it is meant to be."

My date of retirement is contingent on how long my present job lasts. It could be long term. It could be a short time span. I honestly don't know. 

I am completely content not knowing. IF I knew what was coming I would be consumed with all that must take place and worry about my financial state of affairs far too much. The state of not knowing has given me a grace period to simply take one step at a time and do the next-right-thing.

My youngest must become fully independent and step into their own life before I can sell our present day home. Again, there are many variables at play which make estimating their date of departure from our safe little haven we call home. I trust all will work out in its own way. I have no need nor desire to know exactly how or when this will occur.

The house itself has a laundry list of repairs and maintenance which at some point may make us question the wisdom of our decision. But in this moment, today, for the exact purpose we made an offer on and purchased this home, it is in move-in-condition and it has felt like home from the moment we adopted it as our own.

In the short term, there are things I can do with materials I already have on hand. It is costing nothing more than my time and effort. My thoughts are healthier when I am consumed with a project and the rewards are priceless. 

I have not felt this content and focused on a future "aspiration" since I completed my dad's family's book of memories in the fall of 2014. This alone is worth its weight in gold. 

One decision. So many potential outcomes. The domino effect of living life is ongoing. This can go many ways. I am beyond grateful our dominos seem to be heading us in a positive direction.

Next project - free of charge - scrape and paint the exterior door casings

Ants Alive!

Every year we seem to have a minor ant problem within our home. I have more ant stories than any one person wants to hear. Suffice to say ever since exterminators handled the major ant population soon after we moved in (which may have done in our cat as well - that has never been proven), a little Raid sprayed around the baseboards downstairs seemed to take care of matters.

Until this year.

I noticed small, red ants around the cat's food area that wasn't going away on its own. So I sprayed the perimeter of the room and thought that was the end of the story.

Turns out, the ants showed up in the bedroom next door. "Just spray around your baseboards. That should handle it," I advised. 

Then the ants marched onward and upward.

I had been finding the odd ant upstairs and assumed I had brought it in from outside with me and let it go at that. Then this morning, I found 10 ants on the kitchen counter within my first minute of making my morning coffee. Then five more on the floor. Then more by the back door mat. That's when I stopped counting.

I pulled out the ant spray we have been using and read the label. CONTROLS ants. It says nothing of KILLING them. Suddenly a Raid commercial flashed through my mind. RAID. Kills bugs DEAD!

Our ant spray was simply "controlling" the ants by making their current living conditions uncomfortable enough to move on. 

There went the spare moments of my morning. Cleaning. Killing. Spraying. Cleaning. Killing. Spraying. And the ants kept marching on.

I was finally forced to take action. I made an emergency IN PERSON run to our neighborhood Canadian Tire (no time to order online and wait for the "pick up" email this time) and bought ant traps. No "no name" brand was good enough for me. "RAID. Kills bugs DEAD" ran on a loop in my brain. I searched until I found exactly what I was looking for.

Here's hoping four ant traps placed strategically around where they kept appearing this morning will do its job. I hope they aren't simply moving into the living room.

All From the Comfort of Home

I woke up to a laundry list full of tasks to tend - clean the cat litter, garbage day pick up and shopping. Online shopping!

One hour was all it took. I shopped at two grocery stores; ordered necessary stationary items; took a trip over to Amazon and purchased some printer ink; and all I have to do is await our regularly scheduled cat food delivery.

Then I downloaded a book from Audible and listened to Ken Jennings narrate Alex Trebek's book "The Answer Is" while I tended to my morning brain exercises (word and number puzzles on the computer).

Ahhh ... the creature comforts of home and an Internet connection.

As much as I love to escape to my little home-away-from-home, there is truly no place like home.

The Gift of Recall

I was up to my elbows in sorting through the assortment of frozen food in our freezer when I suddenly wondered "Why am I here?"

I was immediately reminded of the moment when I was unpacking a load of groceries I took to my little home-away-from-home when I wondered "Where is the Shepherd's pie I packed?" I vividly remembered moving one frozen entree out of the way; I remembered we had two frozen Shepherd's pie meals; I remember the motion of choosing one of them. But it wasn't packed.

In both cases I was able to recall my answers the moment I revisited the scene. This reusable note we have taped inside a cupboard door (as a reminder that there is a thawed muffin inside the microwave) triggered the memory I had spotted a muffin in the freezer and had planned to take it out:

The frozen Shepherd's pie? I found it safely stashed inside the freezer door. My memory hadn't failed me. I had gone through the motions to pack it up and take it with me but simply forgot to follow through.

The gift of recall. The vivid pictures in our mind to help us back track and remember the sequence of events that brought us to the moment we are in, when we have forgot why we are there. 

It is a gift that shifts, alters and fades. Sometimes it is because we are overtired or our minds are on a million other things. We get distracted and forget. It seems to happen a little more as I age but every time I remember, I remind myself to be grateful.

The ability to recall a thought is a gift when we have it. It can be eroded slowly or gone in an instant. Brain injury comes in many different forms. Our brains are the core to our being. If we thought about it as much as we should, we may all be walking around in helments. 

Helmets and face masks. We need to protect what is important. Be careful out there.

When Can I Retire?

I have noticed a pattern within this little life of mine. The minute I start to worry about my job outside my regular working hours, it results in a morning-after ritual which has become familiar and somewhat soothing. I go back to my budget spreadsheet, run some numbers and wonder if I can afford to retire.

Short answer? No. My answer? Long and wordy...

I stayed home this past long weekend. I discovered something I am not particularly proud of. I may be using my little "home away from home" as a place to run toward because I am running away from life-as-I-know-it withing my "home at home".

I had grand plans and expectations of myself when I realized this long weekend would fall at the end of a month where several onerous deadlines had to be met within my bookkeeping world. To me, completing a list of "hard things", filing them away and feeling satisfied with a job done to completion is a high like no other. It is a sensation that fulfills and completes me.

Long story longer? I did not cross off any of the big ticket items I was anticipating. Add to that, a challenging "last day" before my anticipated long weekend. To add just a little more to the pile, I didn't get the long weekend I was anticipating. It was sprinkled with work issues yet to be resolved.

This is the part of my saga where I need to create, define and live within the boundaries I have set since my day job moved in with me. I created boundaries all right. I closed the door and would have sealed it shut if I could have done so, in a manner that would not have resulted in paint peeling off when the seal was broken.

I did the next best thing. I sat in front of the TV for four solid days. Yes. Four. 

Cooking? I cooked a frozen pizza, garlic fingers and bagged salad on Day One. I picked up Dairy Queen for supper on Day Two. We ordered in "fine dining" from Pink Cadillacs on Day Three. By Day Four, I knew I had to rise to the occasion. I found a cooked, frozen chicken breast in the back of the freezer from well over a year ago. Perhaps two. Then I added bagged, boxed and frozen entrees to the mix and created this:

 

P.S. It tasted about as good as it looks. It was edible.

The list of achievements during the above noted weekend are: I washed one load of laundry; I washed my hair; I watched 5 seasons of "Mom". The end.

ONE day back to work and this is what was achieved:

Spaghetti and meat sauce for at least three meals; tuna salad for my supper at my work-away-from-home employment; and I mowed the lawn. In addition to putting in a full day's work at home and away from home. 

I may not enjoy working but I need it. I seem to need a job to define the work flow for my days at home. 

When can I retire? I trust that when the time comes, I will be at a point where my finances will work out one way or another. 

When should I retire is a better question. I believe life is telling me I need to learn to better manage my down-time when I have it in order to manage a life without defined goals. Retirement could be the hardest part of my life if I don't start planning a  future that isn't defined by work.

Sad but true.

It Was a Dream (it was only a dream)

Dreams are weird and wonderful and a little wacky. I was smack dab in the middle of a place I didn't want to be and I had no idea all I had to do was open my eyes.

My dream took me everywhere:

• I was running my daycare
• I was trying to leave work but my shoes were gone
• Someone found me a very small pair of slip on sandals I could use (they commented "Thank you, Mrs ?" as they handed the petite sandals over to me, leading me to believe they had once belonged to a beloved senior they once knew)
• I used the borrowed sandals despite the ill fit
• I quit my job
• I went to find my car and was afraid someone took my car so I popped the hood of the trunk to find it was still there
• I backed out of my spot and got stuck on ice
• I revved the car backwards to pick up speed to go forwards on the ice and forgot to look to see if it was safe to do so
• I didn't hit anything or anyone
• I sped past the point where I was stuck before and was in the clear
• Next thing I know, I'm riding a bike uphill towards downtown
• Two skateboarders were coming from opposite directions
• I didn't hit the skateboarders and they hugged when they met up
• I was stuck at an intersection on my bike
• Somewhere in the middle of the chaos I stop to read all the hand written messages written in crayon, bidding me farewell from my job
• One of the messages said, "I hear you quit because you don't like writing up invoices for snow. That's okay ..."
• War planes were flying overhead
• Young children were excited to see the planes
• I was terrified
• A plane hovered over us and a soldier calmly said if they had orders to shoot, they would do so
• I had to turn one way to pick up my child
• Home was in the opposite direction
• The world was ending and I was stuck in an intersection ...

Then I opened my eyes.

Never have I ever been so relieved to wake up, at home, safe and protected. 

Then I realized I woke up to a day off. It is July 1st!!! Happy Canada Day everyone!!!

Stay safe. Wear your shoes. Watch out when you are backing up. And remember hard days don't last forever. A good night's sleep is the best medicine.