Mission Almost Accomplished

Four days simply didn't feel long enough to tackle all that needed to be done this week. But I did it. Almost. I forgot to buy a few needed ingredients for my potato salad so that will have to wait. 

And that is all I have to say about that.

Taking a Moment

June 30th comes with all kinds of deadlines in my bookkeeping world. 

All the more reason to take a step outside this house where I live with my work and listen to the birds:

My bird identifier app identified these bird calls as "Brown Thrasher" and "Black-headed Grosbeak". 

I gazed up into the trees and never did spot the birds who were singing so sweetly.

Thank you to my anonymous bird choir.

It was a most excellent way to start a busy day.

Take a moment to stop, listen and inhale deeply before you step into your day.

When you can't change what is going on within your world, 

remember you do have the power to impact a moment.

Equation for Groundedness

What is the equation to finding one's personal sense of status quo? That place where one feels simply "okay" with life as they know it. Not a place of "happy". Simply that sweet spot where one feels grounded enough to go with the natural ebbs and flows of life.

Depression and mental health are often talked about subjects. Open conversation and education has made a vast difference in helping the general population recognize symptoms of heart failure, stroke, cancer and numerous physical ailments and saved an untold amount of lives. Mental health is at the forefront of what I see, read and hear a lot these days. For a person in crisis to know they are not alone and there are resources to help out is very likely saving just as many lives. 

I can only write from my personal experience with what I have deemed a "borderline depressive personality". I dip from highs and lows but live most days in that happy medium of mediocracy - good enough. At different ages and stages of life, my highs were higher and my lows were lower. I have gone from living in the sharp peaks and valleys of the mountains to a hilly existence. 

I appreciate the contrasts I live with. Feeling good feels great after a period of wading through the doldrums. Recently, I was quietly thinking that I missed feeling happy. That temporary euphoric state where one feels bubbly, smiley and good inside. Then I woke up one morning feeling just plain happy. It was a wonderful thing. Within twelve hours of feeling a low-key state of "happy", I felt an equal and opposite flip of moods. It wasn't awful. It was normal. It was as if I was was on the tail end of an adrenaline rush. Poof! Gone. Back to my status quo which felt a little lower than usual due to the variance. 

I talked myself down and through the plateau: "It's okay. This too, shall pass. Going from full on "full" to "back to normal" in a twelve hour period will do this. It is just a temporary adjustment and you will self correct."

What is the formula that has evolved over the course of time? At one time I may have felt like I was free-falling without a net. Experience, recognition of being here before, faith that the moment would pass and differing hormonal levels may all come into play. But essentially, what is MY contentment equation?

#1 - it is "contentment" I seek. Not happiness. Contentment is the level playing field where a temporary state of either happiness OR unhappiness can evolve.

#2 - contentment is actually secondary. Safety, having one's physical and financial needs taken care of, a state of physical health that is not worrisome is first and foremost. 

#3 - a sense of belonging is a fundamental need. Being and feeling like you are a part of community within family, friends, work/school/and any number of other social relationships is vital to the human existence

#4 - routine, a schedule, a need to be accountable. As much as we may long for a commitment-free life, is that what is best for us? I know I thrive on routine, comfortable little ruts that get me through the obligations of a day. As much as I long for a day off of all of the above, I never feel quite as good when I let a day slip through my fingers without doing more than turning on the TV.

#5 - nourishment and sleep. Food, water and sleep are essential to life. Good-for-you-food is best though perhaps one of the hardest things to reach for when I'm on a downward slide. A good night's sleep is elusive to many so I know I'm one of the lucky ones who can do nothing but sleep when life feels hard. Finding and being able to maintain the Goldilocks Zone of just the right amount of sleep is golden.

#6 - a sense of balance between all of my needs. Too much of anything is not a good thing for me no matter if it is too much work, too much free time, too much socializing, not enough socializing. I find there is a state of okay-ness if I have a good, healthy balance of work; leisure; solitude; people; new experiences; savoring the tried and true and the list goes on.

Balancing the demands of life can feel hard. I often wonder where I would be right now if my needs hadn't been secondary to providing for my children. Earning a living, creating and maintaining a home and living with those dependent on me has pushed me to be who I am and where I was meant to be. The need to be needed is a part of the belonging part of the following equation:

Safety/security + Belonging + Routine + Nourishment + Balance (of all of the above) = Feeling Grounded

Feeling Grounded = Contentment (a very good place to be)

Going With the Flow

The words "going with the flow" came to me this morning so I searched my own blog and (surprise, surprise!) I have already written what I want to say. Here is a throwback from the year 2008. I could update and add onto what I've already written to prove the point but this says it all:

SUNDAY, MAY 4, 2008

Going With the Current

Yesterday, the message of the day in "The Secret" calendar was about when you are trying to make something happen, it feels like you are going against the current in a river. And when you are ''acting to receive from the Universe'', you will feel as if you are flowing with the current of the river.

I have noticed that time and time again in my lifetime. There are times when you follow your heart, your instinct, your calling or whatever. And everything unfolds perfectly. As if you were following a well choreographed plan.

Other times, you make a decision and it feels as though there are road blocks at every turn. Nothing goes as planned and it's like you are fighting a losing battle.

When I decided to move my family out to Saskatoon, it was one of those times when absolutely everything unfolded perfectly.

I got the first job I applied for; I found a place to live without any effort; everyone in my life was totally supportive of the move. The time and place were right. And as if that wasn't enough of a sign, I have my ''red dart story'' ...

When I moved out here, I had next to no belongings to take with me. So Mom packed up things from her house to help to make a home out of our new place. She sent a variety of belongings out with me. And one thing that she sent, was a dart board and darts. Now, you would really have to know Mom and how every game in our house had all of its parts and pieces; every puzzle had every piece in the box and anything at home was taken care of. The dart board she sent with me was missing one red dart. That, unto itself was unusual and unheard of. But what was totally amazing, is that when we moved into our new townhouse here ... stuck in the wall of the totally empty basement was ... a red dart. This sends tingles up my spine to think of this again. It was the final sign of how this move was 'meant to be'.

When I decided to try to support myself by babysitting and take a giant leap of faith to leave a fully secure job, it was exactly the same thing. I asked for a years leave of absence so I could see if I could manage to live off what I could earn. And I was granted that. When the year was up, I asked if I could work on Saturdays (to keep my options open and my foot in the door) and that wish was granted as well. Time and time again, I have run into 'tests of my faith' in the babysitting world. The income you earn when you babysit is unreliable and changes like the wind. And every time I was at a crossroads where I wondered which way I should go ... it never failed. As soon as I made the commitment within myself to stick with the babysitting, something would happen to make it financially feasible again. This has happened so many times that I have lost count. It was as though all I had to do was 'believe' and the rest unfolded as it was meant to be. It was like going with the current of the river.

Today, I have felt and been reminded of this positive flow once again ...

My aunts and Mom got together and thanked me for putting the book together with/for them. This entire Book Process has been like riding along with the flow of that river. As soon as I made the decision to follow through and actually do this, everything fell into place. Nothing was working against me (though I did have my challenges getting to know Microsoft Word!!). It astounds and amazes me just how all I really had to do was 'go with the flow', and the book took care of itself.

Now, this sounds off topic but it really isn't ...

I have been actively searching for a better home for our dog this past while. It wasn't happening easily, and then I read this quote in "The Secret." I told myself that if it felt like I was 'going against the current' that maybe I just had to believe this was happening for a reason and not to fight it. My heart wasn't in that thought though, because I knew that our dog really deserved a more loving and attentive home. I was getting so easily angered with his barking and his recent habit of digging up some new sod.

Then ... today, it happened.

A friend of a friend had just decided that they wanted to adopt an older dog and had gone to the SPCA without their kids to look around. Amazingly, the SPCA didn't have any older dogs and then my friend called her and mentioned our dog that we were trying to find a home for. Everything seemed to be working against us meeting up together this weekend, but I ended up leaving my key with my friend just in case they wanted to come and meet "Mike" while we were gone.

Well, sure enough. It was 'love at first sight'. She called me tonight and asked when they could pick him up. We talked for quite a while and I told her all about Mike, why we got him and why we are looking for a new home for him, his personality and habits (bad and good). She told me their story ... and it just feels like a match made in heaven.

He is such a good dog. But he is so neglected here. And he is going to a home with a 5 and 10 year old boys (I think) who are so excited about this. Mike adores being adored. And he lavishes his love on any willing recipient. And he loves kids.

We're 'going with the flow' once again....

Trust the Pause

Every time I spend a weekend at my little home away from home, I find myself longing for the day when this is my one and only and forever home. So many things have to fall into place before that becomes a reality.

All the variables that interconnect with lives that are not my own, not to mention the ability to (ever?) retire from the work force reminds me time and time again. Trust the pause.

If all obstacles were removed and moving here was as simple as packing up a house and selling it, I would be on my way. But I'm not there yet.  

This place where I am sitting at this very moment is exactly where I'm meant to be. 

Would this moment feel as sweet, if I didn't have the contrast of life-away-from-here to compare it to? Time will tell.

Life shouldn't feel like you are walking against the current. 

Try (just try) to relax and go with the flow. 

See where it takes you. 

Trust the pause. 

Felines at Rest

While robins, mourning doves, sparrows and even the grackles add a spark of joy to my Weekend Oasis,

 my Monday to Friday home includes enjoying the antics of our two furry felines.

After a brief game of tag around the house, these guys are ready for a rest:

There is nothing like watching a cat hard at rest to lower blood pressure and put a person in the moment. 

Oh, to live the life of a cat who has a safe and happy home. 

It is my ultimate retirement dream to be as content as these two guys. 

To sit in a sunbeam,

marvel at watching the birds and rabbits who pass by,

have the easy companionship of one you know well,

to be content, healthy, safe and know where your next meal is coming from,

to have the sense of "ahhh"

and then

find your most favorite resting spot 

and have a little rest.

We all should be so lucky.

Burning the Candle at One End

Quite some time ago, I felt assaulted by bright lights, loud noises and felt a deep need to mute my world.

I embraced waking up to the darkness and navigated my mornings with the under-counter kitchen lights dimmed to emit the least amount of light. I lit a candle in the bathroom and wrote by the light of a lamp.

I didn't turn on the fan. I kept all noises to a bare minimum. I padded around in the quiet of the mornings until the sun woke up and signaled the need to carry on with real life demands.

I love my quiet little life and have held onto the muted sensory intake for several years. I have a candle in the bathroom which emits a faint light and light aroma. 

When COVID hit, most people were running to stock up on toilet paper. I was scrambling to restock my candle supply in case stores closed or we had to quarantine in place. 

Since that time, I have maintained an ample supply of toilet paper AND candles. The exception to restocking my candle supply came when budget restrictions demanded I stay clear of the dollar store where I replenished my candle supply. 

I had ONE 80 hour candle which I thought had used up at least 75 of its candle hours left in the house. Each and every time I lit it, I thought "this" would be the day the candle would reach the end of its wick. Each day I blew out the candle, I counted it as a bonus day.

Two weeks ago, I restocked my candle supply. Two weeks prior to that, I thought the candle was nearing the end of its eighty hours of light. This morning, I blew out the candle yet one more time. The candle will live to burn another day.

The phrase "burning the candle at both ends" surfaces and resurfaces with each bonus day I light this Sea Salt & Caramel scented candle ONE more time. 

Burning the candle at only one end certainly adds an extended time of enjoyment to life. Literally and figuratively.

Best Alarm Clock in the World

I love waking up to the sound of the birds singing, chirping and the cooing. 

It has become part of a morning-in-my-life at my Little Oasis on the Prairie.

This past weekend, 

I woke up to the distinct chirps I have come to know and appreciate 

from the robins who seem to have made our yard home. 

This particular "chirp" felt like it was right beside me.

I was instantly awake, 

opened the blind

 and found my own personal alarm clock perched right outside my window:

"The Best Alarm Clock in the World" 

What better way to wake up than hear your own personal robin greeting the day?

A Moment

I find a lot of "stillness" within the time I spent at my little Weekend Oasis.

I gaze out the windows, into the yard when I'm inside. I sit on the porch and simply watch for life within our little private "forest" of pine trees.

My focus is usually on the birds. But this time it was a butterfly that caught my attention:

I noticed the butterfly stop and take a break from the windy day on the branch of a tree and it simply stayed there:

Sometimes? We need to do exactly as that weary butterfly did.

Stop

Find a safe spot to land

Rest

Fly off when you are ready

It was just a moment among many moments at my little Weekend Oasis. 

I just thought I'd share it out loud.

Searching

I'm falling off the rails. Living an Intentional Life is exhausting.

Such simple guidelines I set out for myself. Walk. Stretch. Write. Drink water. Eat intentionally. Live intentionally. Be still and notice the little things.

Well? Being still without eating to keep me awake equals sleep.

It takes approximately three to four nights to watch a one hour television show (which I have taped, which equates to the need to stay awake 45 minutes). Fifteen minutes in front of the TV without food, conversation or movement is a sleeping pill for me.

That is okay. Because I want to get up very early to do all the things that feel important at the moment:

• Walk (45 minutes)
• Puzzles/breakfast smoothie/listen to a podcast (an hour)
• Take care of whatever real-life-needs need to be met. This varies from cleaning cat litter and making a lunch; to responding to incoming emails; to vacuuming/mowing the lawn/hair-washing-day; and an untold number of diversions (anywhere from 15 minutes to 2 hours)
• Writing (depends on the day)
• Open the door of my home office and tame the beast within 

I wake up at 5:00 a.m. and four hours vanish into thin air just like that [insert snapping fingers here].

I'm spinning my wheels and going no where but back to waking up at 5 a.m. the next morning. 

As I walked this morning, I felt full of inspiration, life, recollections of walking these roads over the course of decades gone by. Memories of people I once knew when I worked; houses I once delivered newspapers &/or flyers to; the walks we had during my daycare days all came rushing to the surface. Then I came home.

Poof! Just like that [insert snapping fingers again]. Gone. In a puff of imaginary smoke.

I am ... so many things. I will not go into all the things I "am" at the moment because my thoughts are taking me to a place I don't want to dwell on. 

I have some important deadlines to meet. Then? I want to coast. Simply take time to wash windows during the week, putter in the yard, walk someplace for fun (and perhaps an indulgent refreshment as a reward). I want to phone a friend and visit without a time limit. I want to spend a weekday at my City Home without opening the door of my home office and just live a simple, quiet day.

I want a holiday from the day-to-day life as I know it. Nothing extravagant. I want to dabble in the feeling of what life in retirement could feel like. I want to dream.

These are the books I have borrowed from the library. I'm searching. I feel ready to shake up my world just a little bit. Or simply take a holiday.

I appreciate how fortunate I am to wake up to life-as-I-know-and-expect-it-to-be day after day.

I wake up feeling rested, healthy, ready to tackle the day with ease.

But there is a small voice within that is speaking to me.

There is much going on underneath the surface of this life of mine.

My little world is intertwined with those who don't wake up to all I take for granted.

What can I do?

Is there anything I can do?

I feel the need to build up my reserves so I'm ready.

Ready for what? 

I don't know.

I just know things do not stay the same and I thrive on same-ness.

In the meantime, I will just keep taking one forward step at a time.

Step by step, we get where we need to go.

One step at a time.

Writing Revisited

I'm back to my regularly scheduled writing after a short break from writing-off-the-cuff. My most recent posts were written almost a year ago. I wrote the words, walked away and gave them time and distance. The words passed the test of time, then revisions and the go-ahead to post them by the person who inspired the thoughts.

"It's not my story to tell" are words I hold onto when sitting down to write. Thus? I have been writing an awful lot about robins and rabbits lately. No confidentiality breach. And should these critters have the ability to understand, I didn't write anything I wouldn't say in front of them (another "rule" I do my best to uphold).

Our lives interact with so very many others. What we see and take from a situation can vary vastly from what the only other person in the room gleans from the same interaction. I've been part of situations I barely recognize when the other person retells their version of the story. There can be a wide variance between each person's takeaway when people recall the same incident.

When I replay unpleasant interactions in my mind and try to make sense of how things went so terribly wrong, I do my best to try and see things from the other person's point of view. It calms me when I consider where the other party is coming from.

I can still see the expression on Mom's face and the sting in her words when I would make a comment about her, in front of her. She made no bones about the fact that she did not appreciate anyone else's interpretation on how she was feeling or about something concerning her. "Oh I do, do I?" was the essence of what I remember about those interactions.

It was in and around that time when I put the brakes on writing about anything that was not my story to tell. Since then, there have been countless times when I've walked through new and uncomfortable situations involving other people's stories. Confidentiality is everything. I questioned the wisdom of writing out loud, then simply stopped writing. Period.

As I wrote these words, they felt familiar. I searched my own blog to find exactly what I was trying to say. I wrote this six months ago:

"My story is how I navigated my side of other people's stories. If I write about my journey, not theirs ... to tell a story without telling ALL ... I think that is the key. My side of the story. Learning as I go. Love and loss and parenting and change and acceptance and curiosity ... and the never ending goal of seeking JOY."

The path I have walked has been mine alone but the other side of the story is still a privacy I want to respect. There have been lessons learned, perspectives gained, a broader understanding and a lot of learning. 

Life teaches us everything we need to learn and so much more than we want to learn, as we make our way through one life-event to the next. It has always been my goal to tell a little story and wind it up with a life lesson. Sometimes I succeed. Other times? I just need to write about rabbits. 

Wide Eyed Innocence of Children

One of the things I enjoyed most during my reign of operating my daycare was the wide-eyed innocence of young children. They are who they are with abandon. They look at other children with the same open acceptance. They don’t see color, race, wealth, poverty or any of the many classifications of the adult or even school age world.

“Boys” and “girls” are quite possibly one of the first things children do take note of. Little boys and little girls walk into the world dressed and adorned by their parents. Children are a mirror of their caregivers.

The idea of feminine versus masculine begins before our children are born. I speak for myself when I say this but my ideas were formed by my mom, siblings, family, friends, media and the world around me. The only items of clothing that were not defined by the sex of my children were the sleepers I bought to bring them home from the hospital. Gender neutral began and ended there. At least for me.

I remember my cousin having preconceived ideas of her first born, who happened to be a girl. She named her a masculine sounding name, spelt with a feminine flair. I seem to remember her planning to dress her “tough”, like a tomboy. But as soon as her little girl was able to express her wishes when it came to clothing, it was frilly, feminine and dresses all the way.

Once again, the free expression of children is present from a very young age. I wonder how often my ideas overpowered that of my own children.

When my male-at-birth child reflected on their thoughts in their early years, they did express an inner desire to dress differently than I had been dressing them. “What would you have said if I had asked to shop in the girl’s section?” I was asked. I am sorry to say that I would have tempered this choice by finding clothes within the boy’s section of clothing more to their liking. I wouldn’t have been comfortable to have my child to express their gender if it went against society’s norm.

I raised my youngest child within a daycare setting where toys for all genders were readily available. I bought my young child a doll, with eyes that open and shut, for Christmas because they were so enamored by a doll a little girl brought to daycare. I bought a small kitchen toy. My young child was exposed to all kinds of nurturing and kitchen/cooking related toys. I wanted my child to use their imagination and grow up with the idea of non-gendered housekeeping and parenting ideas. I felt like such a progressive parent.

My male-at-birth child has come out as a transgender female. The evolution of my child revealing their innermost thoughts to me was preceded by a deep, dark and debilitating depression. A depression so dark, that my child could not form words to speak. I felt absolutely powerless but I begged them to write – to express their thoughts in whatever fashion that came natural to them. Take the words out of their head and put them somewhere to release their power and try to make some sense of them.

I had no idea what my child wrote but they did tell me they had written but weren’t ready to share it with me yet. We talked when my child was open to talking. There was a lot of silence. I cannot begin to fathom how my child felt as they waded through waters I knew nothing about.

Thankfully, little by little, bit by bit, my child opened up to me. I am grateful my openness and unwavering acceptance of a family member who is gay gave my child the assurance they needed to know to start hard conversations. I am beyond grateful that door was already ajar so my child felt safe to walk through it.

Please be careful when you speak. You never know who is listening.

Self Expression

How we choose to express who we are comes in many forms. Our clothes, hair, accessories, make-up, body language, voice, our name and pronouns. Gender expression is “all of the above”.

When one’s gender identity doesn’t align with their birth-assigned sex, how a person chooses to express who they are can be met with discrimination, harassment and even violence.

Our society is filled with the notion that we can retain our youth, diet and exercise our way into a better body, adorn ourselves with clothes, jewellery and outer attire so we can show the world who we are. Or at least who we want to be. Call it self-improvement, call it vanity. Whatever name one assigns to this, it is generally well accepted.

There are some who opt to decorate themselves with tattoos, wild and funky hair colors and cuts and have a wardrobe that speaks louder than others. These forms of self expression tend to grab our attention. There are some who voice their opinions about those who stand out from the crowd.

Yet when a transgender person simply dresses and portrays themselves in the manner in which expresses who they are, they can be made to feel anywhere from uncomfortable to unsafe. Perhaps the most common reaction is the “double take”.

I am guilty as charged on the double take reaction. My youngest was born and raised a male. I have become accustomed to this appearance. When my child revealed they were transgender and began portraying themselves as female within the safety of home, initially I was guilty of the "double take" reaction.

We are fortunate when we have the choice to convey ourselves in the manner we choose. Not all countries and religions allow such freedom of expression. In one manner or another, we all express our inner self in how we present ourselves to the world.

When you feel good about yourself, you stand taller, smile brighter and carry yourself with a confidence that makes others see your inner beauty.

My dream is to live in a world where everyone feels safe and confident to express their inner selves in a manner where all we see is the magnificence of who they are.

Fitting In

When we fit into the neat and tidy boxes the world has set out before us, we must take a moment to appreciate how tiny those boxes are.

The very word “box” defines how specific the classification is. It is like having to answer “True” or “False” to a question that demands explanation.

The first conversation I had with my child, as they revealed their inner self to me, was telling me they didn’t even know what box to check on an application form. Nothing fit. Male was not right. Female didn’t feel comfortable. “Other” was perhaps too hard to put down on an official document. Something as simple as an application form was difficult for them because they didn’t know what box fit any more.

I felt a wave of relief that society is opening up to all of the unfilled boxes when it comes to sex at birth/gender when I completed my Census questionnaire. It asked two distinctly different questions:

-          What was this person’s sex at birth? (sex refers to sex assigned at birth). Two boxes. Male; Female.

And

-          What is this person’s gender? (refers to current gender which may be different from sex assigned at birth and may be different from what is indicated on legal documents). Three selections: Male; Female; or please specify this person’s gender.

Fitting into a “box” is constricting for all of us. Life isn’t black and white. There isn’t a right/wrong; true/false answer to most questions. Life is all shades of gray, or perhaps more aptly life is all the varying hues of a rainbow.

Gender Reveal

Gender reveal parties seem to be all the rage among new parents. I tend to get my hackles up when I hear the words. Do I feel this is worth acknowledging and celebrating? Yes. But let’s let the child decide when to reveal their gender.

Gender is something we grow into and feel out along the way. It is uncovering and discovering our inner selves. It is figuring out if what is inside of us matches what is on the outside.

One’s sex assigned at birth is biological. It is like hair color or the size of our nose. It is what it is. Until one decides they want to color their hair or get a nose job, if what is on the inside doesn’t match what is reflected in the mirror.

Discovering and revealing one’s gender is a concept that is relatively new to many. I admit I am one of those people. Until recently, I didn’t fully grasp the idea that sexuality and gender are two distinctly different concepts. They are interconnected but they are not the same. That is, until my youngest child, who was determined to be male at birth, revealed they felt more comfortable as a female.

As I write this, I have a hard time referring to my youngest with he/him pronouns. Using the wrong pronouns wounds my child’s integrity. They/them pronouns were a transition. A stepping stone to she/her.

It has taken time to take this all in and comprehend it as much as I possibly can. I’ve come a long way and I have a long way to go. But I do believe the time for a gender reveal party has come.

I just want to announce to the world, “It’s a girl! I have a daughter!!”

Pride and Joy

Pride and joy are often words used by parents, old and new, to describe their children. Words that depict unconditional and unwavering love and support. As we wade into June, a month dedicated to celebrating those who are in the LGBTQ+ community (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Queer and all who don't fit into the narrow guidelines of sexual and gender norms), I want to write a little story. Bit by bit, piece by piece, much in the manner I have lived and learned over the past few years. I want to celebrate a newfound pride I have come to celebrate quietly on a daily basis.

June marks the birthday of my youngest child. A child who has unveiled who they are. First of all to themselves and gradually to family, friends and their community. My pride and joy celebrates a birthday in the month when PRIDE is celebrated in our country.

Pride. To try and fit yourself into who you think the world thinks you should be, to tamp down your truest self to fit into society, to have to educate the world into acceptance and understanding ... these are things so many take for granted. What if YOU had to offer education, guidance, understanding and compassion to those trying to accept who you are so you could feel a strong sense of "pride" within?

What if you had to "come out" and reveal yourself to those within your world? What if who you are wasn't the societal "norm"? Why DO we need to come out at all? Why can't we simply celebrate "It's a Baby!!" Why do we automatically assign labels?

The greatest gift we have is when we find "our people". Those who we trust with our innermost thoughts and hear the quiet echo of "me too", within their response. One of the saddest phrases my child recently told me, upon meeting someone they could speak with openly and honestly, were the words, "It's the first time I truly felt someone got me". The first time they felt truly heard and felt the echo of "me too" within their conversation. At the age of twenty three.

We are all unique individuals and many of us are born into a life of privilege where open acceptance is a given. Our world is widely diverse and we are born into our families, communities and countries where who we are may or may not fit into those narrow perimeters for us to be free to be who we truly are.

I want to write about what I am learning, feeling and our experience. I want to do what I can to bring a sense of "me too" into the world for those who have never truly felt heard. I hope honest conversations and open expression of who-we-are becomes the norm.

Everyone has a story. May you stop and truly listen to those who tell you a small piece of a big story. Let us live in a world where "pride" isn't something we have to fight for.

Be Careful What You Think About

I am condensing and paraphrasing someone else's words, thoughts and inspiration when I say "your thoughts become your actions, your actions become who you are". 

I am well aware that my words here lately have been rather light, focusing on little things and Pollyannaish (unrealistically optimistic). I have been working to change the dialogue I hear in my head because I really wasn't enjoying the sound of my thoughts and who I had become.

By changing my focus to the small wonders around me, I have notices a shift within myself to a more positive mindset by simply noticing and appreciating the little things in life.

When spending time with people, I carry my stockpile of "stories" within me which (lately) have included the little mini-dramas I create when I stop and watch the show Mother Nature provides on a daily basis. 

When a conversation gets stuck in a rut, I will pull out a rabbit story or a robin family drama. I do everything but name the characters within my story, though in the retelling of my happy little tales I do believe my characters sound like proper names: Momma Robin; Poppa Robin; Baby Rabbit; Mean Crow and so on and so forth.

I have a stockpile of stories yet to be told that are deeper in nature but in the meantime, here are a few photos from this morning's walk:

**Four different rabbits!!**

“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”

~ Lao Tzu 

A Robin Story

For the purposes of my imagined dialogue between the robin couple featured in the short video to follow, I am referring to the robin with the bright red breast as Poppa Robin and the more mottled looking chirpy robin as Momma Robin.

This couple grabbed my attention while I was enjoying my morning cup of coffee. There was a lot of chirping going on so I grabbed my coffee and enjoyed the drama unfolding in my very own back yard.

Momma had a lot to say and Poppa was just trying enjoy his Sunday morning. He kept hopping ahead of her and she kept right on his tail feathers. Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!!

This went on for quite some time before Poppa finally flew up to the roof of the shed. Then two little birds made a few feeble attempts to join Poppa but it took a few tries to reach the rooftop. I felt a little thrill bubble up inside me. I saw a robin building a nest in the tree right beside the yard. Could this be the babies?? I heard a lot of baby-sounding chirps last weekend. Could the babies have left the nest? Could these be the babies?

It fits the storyteller within my mind to believe these little birds were baby robins. So instantly I translated Momma's incessant chirps to Poppa to: "I just need the yard to myself! Go! Take the babies out!! Teach them to fly. I need them to leave the nest. I'm tired!!! I just need some quiet!"

So, Poppa and the babies flew off. I watched Momma for quite some time and eventually Poppa returned. Momma still chirping away at him - probably worried about the kids, "What do you mean they flew off on you? Where did they go? Why didn't they come home with you? Why??!!"

The couple flew into the front yard and I lost sight of them in the tree where their nest had been built. I thought that may be the last I saw of this couple but I was wrong. 

Momma Robin had quite a distinctive look. Her feathers were mottled and she looked "old and grey". Her tail feathers were short. I think I could have identified her in a line-up of robin suspects because of her uniqueness.

So when I heard some insistent chirping at the living room window when I was settling down for the night, I had to investigate. Sure enough. Momma Bird came back and was staring right at me through the window:

I think I made a friend! 

Ahhh!! The best things in life are free.

Easy Like Sunday Morning

 No words. Just listen ...

Waking Up to a Weekend

I woke up in our city home this morning and STILL felt the sense of "ahhh" I feel when I wake up in my little weekend oasis home. How lucky am I to feel so perfectly ahhh-some no matter where I wake up, as long as it is a weekend?

I am 61 years old and still living for the weekends. That doesn't feel right. But it does feel perfect for me.

Life can change in a New York Minute. We don't know what we have until it changes. Sometimes change is good. Sometimes? Not so much.

Today, I just want to let the day unfold in whatever manner feels best. Oh, how easy it would be to settle in and have a "cat day" - a day to sleep in sunbeams, watch dust particles in the air and perhaps catch a little catnap while watching TV.

I wish you a sense of ahh-someness wherever you may find it today. A small moment that matters. Sitting in a sunbeam moment, taking in the heat and holding onto it like a warm embrace. 

In Your Own Back Yard

I'm feeling a tad wordless this morning (thank goodness, you may be thinking as you read this),

so I have returned to a post I started last week.

As I headed out on my morning stroll, I admired the lilacs in bloom in our own back yard. This is the view from the catwalk beside our house:

Hidden out of view in this picture is a rabbit who I followed into a neighborhood I rarely, if ever, explore on my walks. I was focused on the rabbit and where it led rather than taking in the scenery all around me. It was an incredible journey.

When I returned home, my attention was once again focused on the lilac tree in full bloom right in our own back yard.

[yes, I see the tree is in need of some trimming to get rid of the dead branches]

As invigorating as it was to get out, walk and explore the neighborhood, returning home brought the sense of "ahhhh" I have come to know and love. 

I could hear the echoes of my daycare days when every nook and cranny of our back yard was put to use.

I envision each of our (past and present) cats enjoying our yard in their own unique ways.

I remember when Mom and I sat on the deck one cool Good Friday morning and she told me, as she had told me many times before, that Good Friday is often overcast and dreary. The sun usually comes out Easter Sunday.

I reminisce about the many visits I've had on our deck. Family gatherings, one-on-one visits, sharing a "cold beverage" after a hot day or a cup of coffee on a cool COVID-restricted-visiting day.

I think of the times I simply stopped and savored the present moment, listening to birds, watching the sky, letting my thoughts wander ...

Sometimes we only have to go as far as our own back yard to find exactly what we are looking for.

A Robin Family

My happy little Disney Princess life continues ...

I spend a lot of time sitting with my aunt on her deck and Mother Nature rarely fails to entertain us. My aunt is wiser than I, when it comes to birds so she is often identifying sparrows for me. I'm a pro on crows, magpies and robins - sparrows? Not so much.

Robins are frequent guests in the park-like area my aunt's deck faces. Every now and again I'll spot a small bird close to a robin and ask my aunt if that could possibly be a baby robin. She tells me time and time again, "No, it is a sparrow". The little bird (okay, sparrow) soon flies off leaving the robin on its own so I must believe what my aunt tells me is true.

This time, it was different. I spotted two adult robins and a little bird flitting back and forth between the adults with the odd flight into a low lying tree. Then it would go back to the adults. There was no sign of confrontation between them. There was a "parental" vibe going on. I asked my aunt once again, "Could that be a baby robin? The storyteller in my mind really wants this to be true." 

First off, she replied that it was a sparrow. As we continued to watch, the nature of the relationship between the birds appeared to be supportive and co-operative. Then another little bird joined the trio on the lawn. And a third. Bird #2 and #3 seemed to have honed the skill of flying more than the little one who kept going back and forth between the adults. 

By this time, even my aunt was convinced we were watching a family of robins. We watched the show they put on for at least ten minutes. When it was time for me to leave, I noticed another neighbor watching the Robin Show and she too, was talking herself out of believing the little bird was a sparrow. We marveled at the fact we may be watching a family of robins who were newly out of the nest and trying out their wings.

More time passed and this little robin family was still together and within sight. I walked to my car and I was fortunate enough to capture this: 

When I got home, I googled "baby robins" and from what I read and enlarging the video footage on my phone, I am 99% certain we were indeed watching a family of robins who had just left their nest.

Mother Nature, you are amazing me on a daily basis. I will be watching for baby geese and ducklings now. I can't wait!

What is amazing you when you stop and let Mother Nature entertain you? If it isn't coming to your own back yard, I highly suggest going for a leisurely stroll. It's good for the soul.

The Crow verses The Baby Rabbit

As promised, here is a frivolous post about my latest walking adventure.

I didn't spot a rabbit immediately upon setting out on my walk but about fifteen minutes into my morning stroll, I came upon this (note the crow on the sidewalk close to the house):

I was in the process of trying to snap a few pictures noting the way crows and rabbits peacefully co-exist in the same space with the instinctual knowledge that neither is a threat to the other, when suddenly there was a flurry of crow verses baby rabbit activity.

It happened so fast. A little rabbit darted out of the scenery above with the crow in hot pursuit. I followed the action scene, prepared to fend off the crow and come to the little one's rescue. 

The crow was perched upon the fence beside a vehicle and was glancing downward. I followed the crow's line of sight and found this baby rabbit hiding under the vehicle the crow was guarding:

I neared the fence where the crow was perched and gave the crow a stern warning. "You leave that little rabbit alone!" It is said crows are very intelligent so I expected the crow to understand my body language and tone. The crow flew up to the rooftop of the garage beside the fence and I added further warnings to my previous one, all the while standing guard beside this baby's hiding spot.

Eventually the crow flew off. The tiny little rabbit came out of hiding and hopped into the alley. I have had very little experience with baby rabbits but from my few recent encounters, they seem to act far more skittish and cagey than their adult kin. I fully expected this little guy to dart out of sight before I could focus and snap a picture. I was wrong:

This traumatized baby rabbit stayed still long enough for me to stop and admire its bravery. I left it alone in the alley, hopeful this furry little ball of rabbit recognized I was not a threat as I walked the other way (even though I would have been happy to sit and watch it all day).

What did that crow want to do with that little baby? Mean crow!! Shame on you! 

P.S. I just googled "Do crows hunt baby rabbits?" and they DO!! I may have saved a life today.

Budgeting verses Increasing Costs of Living

So, have you heard the price of gas went up again? This is becoming the newest well worn phrase, replacing talk about the weather.

Would you rather talk about gas prices or weather? I'm not a fan of either topic. My go-to response is "How are you coping with [insert gas costs or current weather issue]?"

My strategy is (and always has been) struggling to ensure my expenses do not exceed my income. Either cut down spending or increase income. Is there anything to be sold? Is there a more economical way to manage what we have? Using power, water and heating frugally. What spending can be slashed? 

When gas prices started inching up, I played the game well. I utilized Air Miles incentives at their sponsored gas station. All I had to do was fill up three times within a month to receive 100 bonus Air Miles. Then one can redeem 95 of those Air Miles for $10.00 off any Air Miles purchase at their affiliated stores. I have cashed in $50.00 of those miles since January and I'm one gas fill up away from my next $10.00 bonanza.

My credit cards accumulate points which can either go towards payment of the credit card balance or a purchase at the store which is associated with the card. I have recently added a new card which has offered a savings of 25 cents per litre for the first 10 fill ups using the card. I have loyalty cards where I shop the most. 

It is a game and I play it (fairly) well. At the moment, I have about $100.00 worth of points I can utilize to subsidize the increasing costs of living.

Groceries have always been my go-to budget slashing item. I have gotten lazy over the course of time and have defaulted to buying whatever I please. I shop at the most economical store I know of to ensure overall, I'm paying as low a price as possible (not always true but it tends to work out to saving $5.00 to $6.00 per $50.00 spent). Granted, due to the knowledge I'm saving money, I have a tendency to over-spend at this very store so I'm still spending more than I should.

The benefit of online grocery shopping is you can play around with the items in your cart and ensure you don't exceed your budgeted amount. The ability to add, remove, change and alter your order without physically walking up and down the aisles with a calculator in hand is a huge benefit. Something I haven't utilized. Yet. But the day is coming (or already has come and gone and I missed the memo). It may take more time but this could save money each and every time I shop.

So far, the only grocery budgeting strategy I have managed to date is due to my "intentional eating" mandate. I have stopped allowing myself to grab a bag of chips and eat in front of the TV so I can stay awake longer. No eating while watching TV is my rule. I have not limited what I can eat or how much I can eat. I simply altered HOW I eat. I must eat without distraction. I am three weeks into this resetting of my mindset and I can tell you one thing. Eating chips without watching TV is the furthest thing from my mind. I am easily saving a three-bag-a-week chip habit. Plus, I have stopped drinking my favorite diet cola beverage in lieu of water (flavored water using drink crystals which we already have, but I'm trying). I used to drink a one litre bottle of pop every other day or so. So add my pop savings to my chip savings and it equals a weekly savings of $12.36 according to today's bargain store pricing. 

My take-out food habit has been reined in by driving out to my weekend oasis location. Recent take-out spending has amounted to less than $50 per month. When I spend weekends in the city it is almost guaranteed we will order take-out food at least once, easily doubling that amount. My old spending habits easily averaged $100.00 per month or more.

Current monthly spending habits equal cashing in on $10.00 worth of Air Miles by playing by the rules of current promotions + almost $50.00 in chips & pop + $50.00 take-out reduction = $110.00 per month. 

And this ... is how I justify the gas it costs to drive an extra 250 km per week to spend time at my weekend rejuvenation destination. Unfortunately the cost to fill my gas tank (compared to last year's prices) has increased by approximately $33.00 per fill up X 4 times per month = a cost increase of  $132.00 per month so I still need to find a way to slash $22.00 monthly spending. 

What can be slashed? Do we need Netflix ($18.30) AND Amazon Prime ($11.09)? No. Do I NEED the extra channel package on my cable TV ($8.88)? Not without the ability to stay awake without eating chips, I don't. I just "found" another $20.00 I could save. 

I have slashed "going out for coffee with a friend" from my expenses. Holidays? I have one possible destination in mind but I have been saving $100 per month for just such an occasion so IF I make a decision, it has already been factored in. Thanks to previous COVID restrictions, I have lost my desire to go to see a movie, attend live theatre, a weekend day trip to meet up with someone halfway between our homes or any of my previous ideas of a fun outing. I'm saving all kinds of money by holding onto those restrictions on an ongoing basis.

The question is: Am I still living a memorable life while slashing "all of the above"? 

My answer is: Thanks to my little home away from home on the weekends, I have added value to my weekends where I am restored by spending time in my little oasis where my recreational vices are spending time/walking with my sister; cooking/cleaning/puttering around our little home; and the joy of having a cousin move in six houses from my little weekend retreat. I have found a way to justify the cost of gas and it doesn't feel like I've sacrificed a thing. 

I stepped away from this post in progress to make myself a smoothie. With each and every cupboard, fridge and freezer door I opened I marveled at the privilege I have. A fully stocked kitchen with back up supplies. The ability to replenish what we have. The precarious notion of a guaranteed income. An income stream which could change in a New York Minute.

I am trying so very hard to be vigilant with spending as I know the fine line between life-as-I-know-it and how life-could-be should circumstances change.

What are your coping strategies? Have rising costs of living stilted your way of life or have you been fortunate enough to add value to your life by cutting corners in a way where you don't feel the burden of filling up your gas tank? Have you managed to find small ways to make a difference? Or has this added fuel to the fire of a budget already stretched beyond its limitations?

Enough said. Tomorrow, I'd like to write about rabbits again. Okay?

Could this be a sign that ever goes by the wayside?

After the Clock Strikes Twelve

After a Cinderella kind of day and an ideal weekend at "The Oasis" at my little home away from home, I hear the clock striking twelve. The spell is running out of magic. Soon I will have to race back home to resume life as I know it.

Friday was the culmination of two weeks of intentional living. Prior to those two weeks, I wrote down a list of what I missed about my daycaring days. Routine, being outdoors, a state of perpetual motion, a menu of relatively balanced meals, quiet time and looking at the world through the eyes of a child are just a few that pop to mind. Then there are the "heaven on earth" moments as I watched children contentedly playing amongst themselves with no awareness of my presence.

Taking in the wonders of the world around me still brings back a sense of awe within my regularly scheduled life. My newly developed habit of going for a morning walk has reawakened a part of myself I have missed. 

After walking with the rabbits first thing in the morning, coming upon an industrious little ant on my way out the door, spotting a family of geese on my way to my boss' home (they were still in the same spot when I drove home) and some yellow-headed blackbirds perched atop the cattails in the slough beside the geese I felt intoxicated with wonder and let myself feel the ahh-someness of each and every moment.

I arrived at my little oasis on the prairie which is surrounded by trees and birds that night. I was still in a Disney Princess mode when I woke up the next morning. I puttered through the morning under the spell that had been cast upon me when I noticed one of Mother Nature's creatures perched atop my car outside, peeking in the window watching ME:

 

There are a lot of mourning doves in the area and I wistfully hoped it was a mourning dove peeking in on me because it seemed there could be an other worldly significance to that idea. My son brought me down to earth with a crash when he asked if it may have been a prairie chicken which according to Google images is more likely.

What kind of bird it was doesn't really matter. The idea of Mother Nature's creatures watching me watch them held more significance. The rabbits I followed were well aware of my presence as they watched my every move. The Canada geese on the side of the rode froze in their tracks the moment I stopped the car to take a picture. 

I love waking up in this forested little oasis on the prairie. Robins are my alarm clock; Canada geese have joined in with the robins on occasion; mourning doves are the snooze button; followed up by the sounds of grackles if I stay in bed too long.

Yes, I feel like a Disney Princess. I feel like I'm living a scene right out of Cinderella.

The clock is striking twelve as I type and I feel these heaven-on-earth moments slipping through my fingertips as I type. Back to the real word of work and deadlines is looming. 

By holding onto the wonder filled moments as I walk back into life as I know it, maybe I can remain grounded as I face the workload of the days ahead. I'll hold onto the one remaining glass slipper to remind me the sense of "ahhh" is still within me. I just have to keep living with intention and remind myself to stop, look and listen to the world outside my doors. 

Welcome to Monday. The day when many of us must step back into our regular work schedule after a period of rejuvenation. May you seek for and find small moments of ahhh-someness within your day.