Filling Up

I am sitting back and enjoying the view from a different spot on our couch today. 

I am having a "cat day".

I am nourishing my mind with Abby Wambach:

Snapshot of some words worth pondering in the book Wolfpack - by Abby Wamback

I am nourishing my body with a toasted ham/cheese/tomato sandwich.

I have tended to a few loads of laundry, dusted some cat hair off the floor and am anticipating an afternoon spent following whatever may unfold.

I have felt empty and exhausted lately. I can feel my energy reserves replenishing as I fill myself up this most anticipated Sunday with myself.

The Irony of It All

Enter the girl who has been full of complaints about the high cost of maintaining her laminate flooring since its date of installation.

This girl has complained of wafting cat hair, endless need to vacuum, accumulation of said cat hair on the walls/doors/baseboards due to the fact that carpeting is no longer in the house to capture and hold onto said cat hair and allowing the above mentioned person to take care of cleaning on her own terms.

Add the complaint that spillage on laminate flooring reverberates and splashes long and far and wide. When you spill a liquid on laminate, look UP. And across. And behind the area of spillage.

Listen to all of the above and you may assume this person is not appreciating her laminate to the fullest.

Guess what this laminate-complaining-person found this morning?

A carpet beetle.

One lone beetle in a house that has little to no carpeting. Oh, the irony of it all...

Back to School!

Our students are presently enjoying either their last official day at school or their first day of summer holidays today and what did I find in yesterday's mail? A magazine advertising a large chain store with "Back to School" articles featured on the cover.

Honestly?

Is it not bad enough that you can start buying Easter candy right after Valentine's Day; Hallowe'en costumes in the middle of the summer; and Christmas descends upon the stores in September? Can't we give our kids the opportunity to seize the day and enjoy their first days of holidays without bombarding them with back to school advertising?

I remember how the time dragged when I was a kid. It felt like I would never get to the next grade and the wait from one school holiday to the next felt like an eternity. I felt like I was young for forever. Nowadays? Time seems to be going by quickly even for children.

Occupying every moment of the day, fast forwarding from one holiday to the next and simply being caught up in our present day world where we aren't truly present is detracting from simply enjoying the moment you are in.

Granted, there are times when I am grateful the moment doesn't last forever. But for those of you who are enjoying a first day of holidays, celebrating the completion of an onerous task or simply waking up to a day like any other ... may the world stop spinning for a moment so you can savor the good stuff.

A Cat's Life

This is kind of where I wish I was right now ...

... living a "cat's life".

A day to sit back and watch the birds, chase little sparkly balls, rest whenever and wherever I wished and watch the dust and cat hair float waft about in the air around me.

Ahhh. A day in the life of a cat. I'm craving a cat day.

Housecleaning 101

One of the best parts about our main floor renovation was that after the dust settled long enough to vacuum it all up, for one hot second the entire main floor felt clean.

New flooring, fresh paint, new light fixtures, baseboards, window coverings ... you name it. It was new and fresh out of the package.

It was such a good feeling to know everything was clean.

Enter ... the cats. And dust. And life in general.

It has been almost four months since the completion of our renovations. I have vacuumed, swiped down and washed these new surfaces more times than I can remember. Then last night I looked up at the kitchen blinds and noticed they needed to be washed.

I bought this handy dandy little item when I was all excited about amassing cleaning tools to keep our renewed home all clean and shiny. It sat unused until last night:

It works like a charm. It isn't perfect. It needs a little assistance from a wet cloth and I used the dust buster to clean my cleaner.

I only "cleaned" a few slats last night before putting aside this little gadget for another time. The time was this morning.

I decided to clean a blind while I made myself a cup of coffee. I stepped upon a little step stool we have in the kitchen to reach the top blind and raced with the kettle to see who could complete their task first.

I was doing well. I needed to grab the bottom of the blinds to keep them from moving while I was cleaning. Cleaning tool in one hand. Blinds in the other hand. Then "WHOOSH!" ... my step stool slid out from underneath me on my newly cleaned laminate flooring.

Luckily, I caught myself with my elbows on the counter top and simply resumed cleaning. 

Then I thought of the other option in the "choose your own adventure" fork in the road in this morning's life events.

What if I hadn't caught myself and I had conked myself on the head while tumbling to the floor with a blind and cleaning tool in my hands. The irony of sustaining a life altering or ending injury while CLEANING is not lost on me.

See?! House cleaning can be dangerous! Especially when you are out of practise. 

The Miracle of Life

As my sister-by-marriage and I were sitting waiting for Oprah to step on stage, our conversation was all over the map. We went from the inane to the serious and everything in between. Her brother had died just one day previous and he was never too far from our thoughts.

I retold a story she had heard before. The one about the time he borrowed $50.00 to buy me a birthday present and I ended up with a $5.00 pair of earrings. His explanation was that he had hoped to gamble with this money and pay back a larger previous loan, as well as get me a gift. I was lucky to end up with the earrings.

She nodded when I added "I think I have told you this before..." but I had one addition to the story I had not revealed previously. "I think that was the night our son was conceived...." I kept track of these things and according to my calculations, my birthday was the only "unsafe" day we took a chance on love. I thought this new information would add an upbeat spin to an old story as we rewound the years and talked of that which was light and easy during her brother's and my courtship and marriage.

Our conversation took off on a new direction and my story was soon forgotten.

Enter "Oprah!". Oprah is an incredible story teller and there is a reason behind every word she speaks. She talked about her existence and being born at the precise moment she was born, in the exact place she was born, to the parents who conceived her. The timing, the place, her mother and the way she was raised were all instrumental to Oprah becoming "Oprah!" - the celebrity who was up on the stage, talking about some of what she has learned by interviewing 37,000 people over the course of her television show.

Oprah then told us the odds of each and every one of us being born at the exact time, place and to the parents we have. There are so many factors to consider. The fact that our parents met at all. The fact that once meeting, all the stars were aligned at the precise moment in history they were, in order to make conceiving a child a remote possibility. Then you add in all the stuff one learns in science about the number of eggs and sperm and everything else involved in the technicalities of conception. Once conceived, so much can happen that could interfere with the chance of this baby ever being born.

There are millions of factors to consider and it is nothing short of a miracle that each and every one of us in existence due to all of these stars aligning. She gave us an exact statistic in the above equation. I didn't write it down but according to my Google sources, the odds of us being born at the exact time, place and circumstance we were born is about 1 in 400,000,000,000. We are ALL a miracle!!

I turned to my sister-in-law and simply said, "That was a pretty incredible birthday gift, wasn't it?"

So much in life is all in the way you look at it. I never once thought of the true gift I received that one fateful birthday ...

Back on the Home Front

My thoughts have been consumed with things bigger than myself lately. As I told my boss as I breezed into work later than I had hoped to arrive last week, "House renovations, going to see Oprah and a dying ex-husband are taking up a lot of my head space lately. I'm here and will do my best but I must forewarn you ... I'm just a tad distracted at the moment."

Our house maintenance project was running right on schedule. Until the rain began one day prior to the scheduled date to install our eavestroughs. Three days of rain later, our eavestroughs are installed and ready for whatever weather comes our way.

And a peek at the soffit - it looks as good looking up, as it does looking on..

Yes, the eavestroughing crew worked quickly and efficiently to get the job done. On a Sunday! 

More soffit, halting bird nest construction in its tracks.

What a great feeling to have this all behind us.

Only exterior painting remains. When I last spoke to the company who will be taking on this exterior painting project, they were right on schedule. I'm not certain how the rain will impact our date to paint but it is the last item on this summer's renovation list. 

It's all coming together. Add a little rain to our brittle, dried up grass and things are looking pretty good around here. I couldn't pick a better place to live.

Choose Your Own Adventure

Does anyone remember the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books? Books where the story would take you to a fork in the road and you got to choose one of a few options, then turn to the page where that particular choice took you to the next story line. You would get to another place in the plot and choose again. I can't remember how many times you got to choose your own adventure but the fun was to go back and choose other options to see how the story would end when you chose a different path.

I woke up this morning feeling like I had just reached the end of my very own "choose your own adventure" book. I have been thinking and rehashing my marriage, the choices I made, the path I followed, the outcomes due to those choices, reflecting on where I am and grateful to be at the end of this path unscathed and with healthy family relationships in place.

I rewound the book of my life and think of how things may have gone if I had made the choice to stay within the confines of my marriage.

No matter which way I unfold the plot, I cannot find a happy ending. I see heart ache and pain. I feel severed relationships. I cannot fathom a better outcome than our present day existence. I have tried. But I can't see any better path than the one which I followed ... a path made clear when Dad died while I was on maternity leave from work and literally packing up and moving away from the scene of my past was a viable option which unfolded with ease.

I woke up this morning wondering if I had lived this life before and each time I learned what I needed to know, to take me to the exact spot I'm at right now. A place where I know I am exactly where I am meant to be. Harmonious relationships, a safe home, a solid foundation and nestled into a quietly comfortable life I wouldn't trade for all the tea in China (bad example - I don't like tea ... but you get my point).

I wouldn't trade this life for anything in the world. I am so sorry for relationships which were lost along the way. But I truly feel it had to happen this way to get to where we are today.

Today I'm standing on the other side of where I was before this particular adventure provided the fork in the road that led us to today. I am hopeful some relationships which were damaged along the way may be mended.

One fork in the road at a time, opting for a choice that may take you exactly where you are meant to be ... choose your own adventure and enjoy the ride.

Oh, How I Have Missed Me So

Oh, how I have missed my own company. The simple knowledge that I had two, five hour drives in my future calmed me. Five hours when I had to stay awake, without the distraction of technology or a television set, to think my own thoughts and hear what I had to say.

I love how my thoughts waft aimlessly through my brain when I drive. My subconscious mind lets go of restrictions held at bay due to living a life where responsibilities, interaction and the need for sleep which take precedence during my normal day-to-day life.

My thoughts drift in, around and through my mind on an endless loop which provides a clarity I can't seem to find otherwise.

I found this particular drive therapeutic the year I drove back and forth to Mom's on a regular basis. Five hours of unharnessed thinking gave me the stamina I needed to be who I needed to be, whether at home or at Mom's.

Oh, how I have missed that drive.

I have had so many thoughts I haven't had time or energy to think through without interruption. The timing of this trip was right on so very, very many levels. But that drive. Oh, the drive! I'm grateful I had a defined destination, otherwise I may be on the east coast by now.

I feel very blessed to say that I enjoy my own company. I'm so glad to have become reacquainted with my inner being. I feel like I can breathe again ...

Oprah!

Oprah. What more can I say? If you have ever thought you would like to see her in person, I have one word for you - GO!

This is quite literally how we were feeling as we waited for Oprah to appear on stage

She was amazing! Every word she spoke was worth the price of admission. She didn't miss a beat. She didn't waste a word. She had us laughing, thinking, reflecting and gave us tools to create our own path.

She told us from the onset that she was simply going to talk about things we already know. As she spoke, I couldn't help but think of the conversations I had JUST had which were filled with the essence of what Oprah was speaking of.

It felt as though Oprah had been eavesdropping and knew exactly what was on my mind. She nailed it. Then nailed it again. By the time the evening was over, she had built a good solid foundation and I felt like she should come over for coffee so we could continue the conversation.

So much of what she told us was something I knew but hadn't put into coherent thoughts. She spoke of many, many things and I am certain I will keep being reminded of her words in the coming days, weeks and years.

She spoke of relationships and how you must NEVER become smaller than who you are, to fit within the confines of a relationship. Never become smaller. Never allow someone to expect you to become smaller than who you are.

Oh, Oprah. I hear you. I didn't know this but it is so true. It explains so much...

She spoke of forgiveness in much the same way my sister-in-law and I had just been talking about. The focus was less on the forgiving and more of the accepting. Of course, Oprah being Oprah, she worded it ever so much more eloquently. She spoke of forgiveness, all the while having this quote on the screen over her:

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different. It's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward." ~ Oprah Winfrey

I knew this. I simply didn't have it neatly wrapped up into a tight little phrase that said so much with so few words. Oh, Oprah. Thank you for reminding me of what I already know and giving me the words to communicate it.

I immediately forgot the words Oprah gave me but I lived the lesson out loud the very next day. "I think it had to be this way, but I think things worked out for the best..."

There was more. So much more. Oprah gave and she gave and she gave to us. Near the onset of her talk, she told a story of when she was asked what she thought her legacy was. Oprah has an arsenal of good doings to choose from and she opted for "the one" she thought would be her legacy. The person asking the question told her she was wrong. It was so much more than that. "Your legacy is every life you've touched ..."

We don't have to be any bigger than we are to leave the legacy we hope to leave behind when we phrase it in those simple words. Your legacy is every life you've touched. Those words can go both ways. Personally, I HOPE to leave a legacy of kindness in my wake. I hope.

I could go on and on and on. And I probably will, in bits and spurts as time goes on as the echo of Oprah's words linger in my subconscious. But I will leave you with the poem Oprah recited near the end of her time she spent with us:

The Journey 

One day you finally know

what you have to do, and begin,

though the voices around you

keep shouting

their bad advice –

though the whole house

begins to tremble

and you feel the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cries.

But you don’t stop.

You know what you have to do,

though the wind pries

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations –

though their melancholy

is terrible.

It is already late

late enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you leave their voices behind,

the stars begin to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there is a new voice,

which you slowly

recognize as your own,

that keeps you company

as you stride deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you can do,

determined to save

the only life you can save –

Yours.

~Mary Oliver

Oprah, you did NOT disappoint! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing a few hours with us. I find myself trying to quote your intentions (if not your exact words) and find myself punctuating my thoughts with "So says Oprah and so says I."

Sisterhood

I'm off to see my sister through marriage today. As I reflect upon the history of that marriage, the good stuff is sifting to the top.

I was young and very alone when I married my husband. I secluded myself from the world around me because I was not comfortable within the world I suddenly found myself in. I was seventeen years old, pregnant and married.

Enter my new sister-in-law. She was elated to know she would be an aunt. I was so wrapped up within my own head at the time I didn't see the gift I received through marriage. A sister. A sister who not only was very close to my own age BUT she also lived in the same city.

This gift would be unwrapped very gradually. Each of us were busy living our own separate lives. At one point in time, we were both separated from our husbands at the same time. That is when I remember a bond starting to form.

We have both been through a lifetime of upheaval between then and now. There has been heart ache and sorrow. There was a time when it was too painful to be close. My sister-in-law's brother was breaking our hearts and she very bravely took a stand. "He's my brother. I'm sorry. I just can't be a part of this."

I have such respect for her for taking a stand and creating boundaries within the relationship we had. There was a time when we simply didn't speak of her brother but as time went on, I came to know her brother as the man she knew and I was able to share some insight of the man I once knew with her.

Her brother/my ex-husband, died yesterday.

My sister-through-marriage decided to go ahead with our original plan to see Oprah. I was honored to walk through this time with her.

I packed up our old wedding album to bring along with me. If I had only known who she would have become to me, she would have been standing at my side that day.

We may not be blood relatives but thanks to the children my husband and I had together, we share a blood bond through my boys. I not only gained two children thanks to my husband, I gained a sister. Better than that, I have a life long friend and we share a bond like no other.

Our marriage may not have been made in heaven but I certainly gained some earthly angels due to that union. And I am grateful.

Off to See Oprah

I'm off to see my mentor today. If only she knew how much she changed my life ...

I watched Oprah's talk show intermittently throughout her reign on daytime television. Her interviews with guests quietly changed the circuitry in my mind.

I wrote this, then searched "Oprah" on the search bar atop this blog. Apparently I have mentioned Oprah in 49 of my blog posts. Oprah and I go back a lot of years.

I became braver by opening myself up to hear what Oprah's guests had to say. You don't hear some things until you are ready to hear them. I'm grateful for the times my ears were open to receive the messages I was meant to hear.

The timing of this Oprah event, which is a five hour drive away, is divine. I didn't understand it at the time, but I am going to be exactly where I was meant to be. Exactly when I was meant to be there. There is a whole other story behind that statement but suffice to say, I am simply grateful for the gift of not only going to see Oprah, but sharing it with a soul sister who means the world to me.

Here is the post I wrote when Oprah came here six years ago:

THURSDAY, MARCH 14, 2013

My Oprah Moment(s)

Oprah is coming to Our Fair City soon and a friend asked if I'd like to go with her. I would have loved to go, but I couldn't justify the cost of the tickets. So I declined the invitation (but thought to myself "... but I'd sure love to win some tickets!").

Another friend forwarded an email to me this morning about a contest that one of our radio stations is having - to win a pair of tickets to Oprah's show. All you had to do was send an email telling the radio host about your 'Oprah Moment'.

I felt a little bit wordless this morning, so I went and searched my blog with the word "Oprah" and came up with 36 posts. I sent in excerpts from six of them ...

As I reread those old posts, a spark was ignited within me. Suddenly I was feeling more upbeat and ready to take on the day.

Oprah brought a wide variety of experts and thought provoking stories onto her stage. As I replayed some of these episodes that I had written about in my mind, visions of her guests and stories came to mind. It was  not specifically 'Oprah', the person that I was thinking about ... but 'Oprah', the television show.

It was like opening a book and thumbing through the pages and stopping at a few of the chapters that caught my interest. It was a myriad of memories, thoughts, wisdom, inspiration and key phrases that resonated within.

I like to think that I keep a little morsel of that-which-inspires-me within me at all times. Simply waiting for something to fan the flame and bring it to the forefront of my thoughts from time to time.

Oprah and her television show provided me with many embers that are deeply embedded in my subconscious mind. As it is, with my day-to-day life.

Take a small moment and savor it. Keep the lesson and let it inspire you. And then carry on ...

That is the lesson that Oprah taught me.

The Little Things

Life is not all about the big, the grand and the extravagant. The good stuff is often hidden within the fine details that are almost imperceptible to the naked eye. My second son is all about those details.

My son has been instrumental to helping me out with renovations on a rather grand scale this year. All I can say is I'm glad he owed me some money, otherwise I fear I could not have afforded him.

He set his "customer rate" pretty low on his latest home maintenance/renovation project. He scaled down the hours he charged, he didn't include the time he spent picking up materials nor the time it took for him to return the excess, he didn't tack on mileage or even gas costs. For that alone, he earns merit points for which I cannot place a price.

Then there are the many things he does which go above and beyond the call of duty. The garage is cleaner and so much less cluttered than he found it; he culled through and got rid of some excess; he organized what has accumulated throughout the renovations; his attention to detail before, during and after the projects he has taken on have been second to none; he listens to my rambling thoughts and sifts out what is needed to make the decisions required to move forward and through whatever he has offered to take on; he has sacrificed weekends, holidays and time away from his own home and relationship to help me out and he remembers the little things I say.

I mentioned I hate mowing the front lawn because of the sagging branches of the fir tree in our front yard. I feel like I have creepy crawlies all over me after dodging and ducking under the low lying branches. I say these things and half forget I've said them. Until I find my son outside with a ladder underneath the tree, cutting off a half ton's truck bed worth of branches to create some walking room and tidy up underneath the tree.

Before (a close up)

After (a full tree view which does not do justice to the height of the lowest branches)

He does like to be nourished during his work day so for the most part, all I am required to do is to cook a few meals, run the odd errand and clean up the path of work debris along the way.

In return, I will find a pot of coffee he has made or find him sitting on the deck listening to the bird couple who started nesting in our attic arguing about whose great idea it was to move into a house renovation project in process. 

Not only do I appreciate the scope of work my son has taken on and the details he foresees and/or runs into along the way (then overcomes them) and his expertise in knowing what to say or ask about when I'm talking to others involved in this house project ... but I enjoy my son's company, his sense of humor and his overall work ethic.

It's all in the little details. Whether it is a home renovation project, a work situation, relationship or simply the way one chooses to live a life. It is the small stuff that makes the biggest difference.

Door to Our Home

Our front door has finally arrived! It has felt like a long wait to complete the final finishing touch to our main floor renovation but its arrival is perfectly timed to fit in with our outdoor renos which (I hope) will be complete by this time, next month.

I love it!

The cats like it too.

Our neighborhood cat just checked it out a moment ago which I would have missed completely, had Ray not let out a meowl like I have never heard before.

The floor to ceiling glass must have felt intimidating for our skittish kitty. It felt like the timid little tabby on the other side of the window pane could walk right in. Ray wasn't the only fearful one. The little tabby on our doorstep ran like the wind, the moment it spotted me.

I wonder if we will ever spot a rabbit peeking in on us?

No More Birds in Our House

Our weekend in pictures:

Before

During (cats watching the last of the bird activity)

After

Get outside, said the bird to the mouse. They are sealing up our access to this People House

The end.

P.S. They were most definitely building a nest in our attic. This morning, our cats resumed their regular non-bird-watching positions on my bed. The flurry of bird activity in our attic and outside my bedroom window is behind us.

Crying Over Spilled Coffee

I know there is earth shattering news going on in the world around us and I go on here about cats, birds, renovations and the mundane natterings within my mind. But do you mind if I get one more minor rant off my mind? It will take your mind off your troubles for a minute.

I just need to carry on a little bit more about this thing called "laminate flooring".

I know laminate, hardwood flooring, leather furniture and anything/everything that can be cleaned up with a little elbow grease is all the rage right now. I have read very little about the downside to all of the above.

I could go on and on about wafting cat hair and the need to install a vacuum cleaner that sucks up whatever is floating in the air as well as what is accumulating on the floor, baseboards, walls and doors. But I've done all that before. Enough said.

This one is about spilling coffee.

I was heading into our most enjoyable, comfortable and cozy living room with a cup of coffee, a plate of toast and my cell phone in my hands. I don't know what or how it happened but I ended up spilling the top quarter of my cup of coffee as I walked into the living room.

We have an area carpet in the living room and as luck would have it, my coffee spillage overflowed onto the carpet. Thankfully the majority of the liquid was on the laminate and I reminded myself of the benefits of laminate over carpeting. Had I spilled coffee on brand new carpeting I would have been thoroughly disgusted with myself.

Score one for laminate flooring. I sopped up my mess, dabbed the excess coffee out of the carpeting, washed down the carpet area, then laid a towel under and above the carpet to absorb any excess moisture. I wiped up the coffee that had splattered from here to eternity on the laminate, then washed the floor. Each time I moved the mop, I was more and more amazed at the expansive area this minor amount of coffee covered.

Fifteen minutes after the spilled coffee incident, I was back where I started. My toast was cool, my coffee was warm and I was wearing the scent "Eau de Café" on my sleeve. I was annoyed I had spilled coffee on our new carpeting but I forgave myself and carried on with my day. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, there are more serious issues going on in the world these days. I was the better man and let it go.

Fast forward to three mornings later. I finally decided it was time to cross the picket line on my self induced ten day vacuuming strike. I pulled out the vacuum cleaner and set about my merry way, vacuuming the endless cat hair we have been inhaling, drinking, eating, wearing and sleeping with lately.

I was feeling a tad miffed about the whole ordeal. Vacuuming is time consuming. The hair was everywhere. I had finally made my way out of the kitchen and into the living room when I spotted some splatters on the wall. "What got spilled here?!" I muttered wordlessly. The tone of my inner voice is a snarky one. I was a tad bitter.

I started wiping down the wall, then hit the baseboard where cat hair is now sticking to the caulking between the wall and the baseboard. What cleaner cleans cat hair that is adhered to caulking? The tone of voice in my mind was getting harder to listen to. "Grrr ... laminate. Grrr ... cats! Grrr ... I hate vacuuming!"

Then I noticed more splatters on the wall. And more. It was three day old coffee!! Not only does spilled liquid splatter far and wide horizontally when it gets spilled on laminate, it splatters upwards as well. The walls, the baseboards, the table legs ....

Yes, all of the above is washable. Yes, I should have thought to look upwards as I cleaned up my mess initially. Yes, this is honestly not a real problem in the whole scheme of things. "First world problem", my brother would gently remind me.

I am so very grateful for our new flooring. I truly am. I love our cats. I really do. I'm glad to have an easily washable house. I am! But cat hair + laminate flooring = excessive need to clean.That is the formula I'm not loving at this moment in time.

I thought maintaining that-which-is-new would be so easy. I would wash down the cupboards, the baseboards, the doors and dust the cat hair off the walls on a weekly basis. I would pick one chore per day and just do it as regularly as I make my bed every morning. But the need for bi-daily vacuuming has zapped the little energy I have in me these days.

I am done. I am going to stop ranting now and appreciate the little things ... like listening to the birds who have moved into our attic.

I'll Show You What There is in a People House *Updated*

I awoke to the sudden movement of cats in my bed. I blinked my eyes open and this is what I saw:

Two cats on high alert, gazing toward the window. I thought they had spotted a spider. I was wrong.

It was birds. Birds swooping and diving and zooming past my bedroom window like they have never done before. I fear birds have moved into our attic.

I just Googled "How often to robins nest?" Answer: Two to three times a year. 

Sparrows nest two to four times a year.

"Come inside, said the bird to the mouse ..."

I think we may have birds in our People House.

*Update (2 hours later)*

I stepped outside to take out the garbage and look what I spotted sitting in the rafters:

Perhaps he was just trying to get out of the sun?? I needed to stay and watch his motives...

The minute I stopped filming this, this little bird flew out of our attic with (what I can only assume was) his mate. A dull colored bird of the same variety. 

We not only have birds ... we will very likely end up with eggs. I don't know how fast things happen in the bird world but I'm not feeling too good about this new development.

Thoughts of the Past

Another day, another birthday. As the birth of my youngest son loomed on the horizon I had one small wish. I hoped it wouldn't land on today. Today is my ex-husband's birthday.

It was a foolish wish but it was granted none-the-less. My thoughts of the anniversary of today and yesterday's anniversary are wide and diverse. As are my thoughts this morning.

My ex-husband is not well. The details are not mine to share but there is a story behind those words. Our parting was messy, complicated and we could never quite come to terms with a life where we were friendly but not a couple. So we remained complete and separate entities from each other.

After reading a biography recently and watching interviews with the author, she advised everyone to write their own memoirs. Not necessarily to share with the world but simply to chronicle your life. I took this to mean that in the act of writing, she unravelled some of her own thoughts and feelings about a rather complicated upbringing.

This statement made me think about the relationship I shared with my ex-husband. We were polar opposite of each other and people often wonder what brought us together. I wish I had a clear answer. I often glaze over the memories of our courtship and marriage and wish I had an arsenal of good stories to pass along to our children.

Our separation was not pretty. Our relationship was unhealthy. I felt the need to protect our children and do my level best to raise them in a manner in which history did not repeat itself. Our oldest son retained the memories of living within the confines of our marriage. Our youngest son was three months old when we left. He grew up not knowing his father but I remember his innocent years when he would comment, "My dad could fix this..." if only he had one (were the words I heard but were never said aloud).

There are chapters which could fill the gap between "then" and "now". I was a third party to the attempts of communication during the missing years. I did my level best not to influence our children's thoughts about their father but instead let his actions speak for themselves.

The father/son relationships never happened. There doesn't appear to be a story book ending in sight. I am afraid time is running out but there is little hope of changing the ending.

My oldest son gave me some insight on how he felt when long term relationships ended. He once told me he had to either love her or hate her. There was no middle ground for him. I wonder if that is how his father felt...

I'm walking into uncharted territory here but I have one wish. I would like the opportunity to sit down and reminisce with my ex-husband so I could piece together his memories with mine and remember the good times. I would like to have the full story in my head when I think of the story of "us".

This is something I have wished for, for forever but I dared not cross the line drawn in the sand between us. Is it too little, too late? Or is it simply too late? I simply want to have memories that remember the reasons we married and kept reconciling. I want to have something light and easy for our children to remember when they think about "us".

Long ago, I came to terms with our past. I would often say that I didn't love him or hate him. I simply felt indifference. Indifference is the opposite of love.

I would like to amend my previous statement to read that I have a healthy acceptance of what was, what wasn't and that we tried, tried and tried again to make our relationship work. I have forgiven myself for being unable to make this work but more importantly, I have accepted the fact that it simply couldn't. For reasons out of our control.

The story of "us" is a part of my life. I wouldn't change it if I could. The story of who we were together forged a big part in the person and parent I became. I think the struggle was worth the result. No regrets.

21 Years

Twenty one years ago today, my youngest son was born. As I woke up this morning, thinking of this anniversary, I scrolled through my own personal archives and thought about my own life at the age of twenty one.

By the time I was 21, I had been married, had a baby, divorced, had worked at a bank for three years, bought a townhouse and then remarried my ex-husband. My siblings were ages 32, 30 and 16. All I remember about my actual birthday is that my brother gave me a special birthday gift to commemorate my 21st birthday. Mom was 53 years old; Dad was 56.

I lived a very sheltered and protected life until I married. I had a lot of life lessons thrown at me in a short period of time but thanks to a strong and supportive family, I weathered the storms and came out standing. I had lived a lifetime by the time I was 21.

I look at my youngest son and I see myself before the world started teaching me "all I needed to know". I look at my younger self and the words young, naive and impressionable come to mind. If someone had told me what was to come, I may have locked myself in a room and never come out. I wouldn't have thought I could handle it.

We all have different lessons to learn, new roads to travel and challenges that are unique to each one of us.

I look at my son and I am pleased. I like him. I like his style. I like his quiet demeanor which masks the deepness of his thoughts and his perspective of life. I see bits and pieces of the best of the people within his world intertwined within him, mixed with the essence that is "him" and I enjoy the person he has become and is becoming.

My biggest concern is wondering how he will weather the storms of life. He has had some tests but I know there will be more. He is a sensitive soul. He watches the world around him, listens with his whole being and his interpretation of life as he sees it opens my eyes.

None of us can predict the future that is headed our way. My biggest wish for him is that no matter where life takes him, he will have the ability to weather life's storms and come out standing. I want him to feel the strength and support of family. I hope he feels safe within his world and will always know he has a soft place to fall here within our home and family.

He is the youngest of three brothers with a twenty year age span which separates them. What I am liking best about the age he has become, is that he is starting to "catch up" with his older brothers. His brothers and him are doing things together which is starting to forge a stronger bond in their brotherhood. I didn't "catch up" with my older sisters until I became an adult and now the years that separated us don't even exist. I hope this bond grows and strengthens over the years to come.

They say that joy is doubled when it is shared and sorrow is halved. In good times and in bad, it is good to know you have a support system in place to cheer you on, cheer you up and encourage you through whatever moment you may be going through.

The wish I have for my youngest son is a wish I share with all three of my boys. I wish them a strong sense of themselves, grounded in what I hope is a strong sense of family. I wish for roots to ground them, while reaching for the stars and retaining the ability to hope for the remainder of their lifetime. I wish them a solid community of family, friends, support systems and a resilience that will carry them through the rough patches life will inevitably throw their way.

I believe one of the best gifts Mom and Dad gave me is a strong sense of family and community. Mom and her story-telling led to the gift of collecting family memories which was the best way to infiltrate myself within the family and get to know everyone a little bit better. I was 47 years old when I started collecting family stories and history. It was then, when I started to feel my roots strengthen enough to hold me solid no matter what storms came to pass after that time.

The moral to this story is: No matter what age you are presently at, you must hold onto the belief that the best is yet to come. The best comes veiled in so very many ways and it is seldom a straight path. If you didn't have the struggle, you wouldn't appreciate the outcome. The best outcomes usually came after the hardest struggles.

You've come a long way, my son. I believe in you. I see your strength and though I wish I could wish only good things for you, I know the best parts of my life were a result of the hardest of struggles. Hold onto that knowledge and let it ground you when the going gets rough. Keep looking up, my son. The best is yet to come...

It's a Cat's Life

I am never quite sure where I may find our cats when I wake up in the morning.

Yesterday morning, the first thing I noticed was that somebody almost closed the bedroom door. This is Jet's trick. He is fascinated with door knobs and will stand up on his hind legs while pushing the door closed. Normally he does this until the door latches. I believe he does this intentionally. One time in  particular, he locked Ray (his partner in cathood) out of my room, with Jet captured inside to reap all of the affection that may be doled out.

Secondly, I noticed that both cats were resigned to the fact that they thought they were locked in the bedroom. They had assumed their positions on the bed and were enjoying a lazy Sunday morning sleep-in.

This morning, this was the sight my waking eyes saw. It started with Ray's gentle "tap, tap, tap" on my forehead so he could entice me to pet him. At the same time I felt the tapping, I noticed a black cat in Ray's usual resting spot. The body language of the "tapping" was all Ray but "Ray" was already in his sleeping spot. Turns out that Jet decided to try a new place to rest his weary head. Before long, this was the scene before my waking eyes:

This was where I left them as I got up and started the day. I have become quite skilled at making my bed around sleeping cats but the soundest sleeper of them all is normally sleeping atop the quilt at the foot of my bed. Not today. I decided to let sleeping cats lie and make the bed later.

Two hours later, I returned to make my bed and found this:

Oh, to lead the life of a cat. After a busy weekend, I am craving a cat day myself. I have a few hours before I have to set myself into motion. I think I'll grab a book and relax before this week takes on a life of its own.

Open Rafters and Open Invitations

This could be a boring little post but it is a follow up to my rants from yesterday morning...

The first thing on yesterday's agenda was to have my Second Son check out our attempt to install a new burner for our barbeque. He quickly assessed the situation, secured the "venturi connection", we lit up the barbeque and deemed it safe and secure enough to cook some burgers for lunch.

As I suspected, when I told my son about my concern over birds finding their way into the attic he downplayed the possibility and didn't add fuel to my fire. Then he proceeded to move on with the removal of the remaining soffit. I pulled nails while he pulled down plywood. It took me quite a while to make it out to the front where the first thing that caught my eye was this:

Oh my gosh! This is wide open into the attic. "An eagle could fly in here!", I exclaimed. In my son's calm, cool demeanor he agreed but assured me it is not nesting season. It would be okay.

I begged him to block up the openings but he wouldn't budge. Yes, a bird could easily fly into the attic. But it would fly out again.

I lost that battle and carried on with the day.

We enjoyed the menu I had planned for the prior day's supper for lunch. My youngest son chose not to join us so when he got up (much) later in the day, I chided him that I planned for that to be his birthday supper (then lunch, when supper plans were aborted). "I planned a birthday meal for you and you didn't come ..."

My boys are used to my excessive words and trumped up emotional outbursts, so my youngest son (much like his older brother) nodded, smiled, did not disagree with me but didn't heighten the discussion either. Oh well, at least he has some decent leftovers for a while.

I puttered outside all day. I accomplished so very little in the whole scheme of things but slowly but surely I made a difference.

The yard is tidied up from the weekend's demolition, I picked some weeds, mowed some grass, found nails, nails and more nails as I scoured the area below the eaves. I made a potato salad and barbequed a meal. Then I showered. I can't remember a time when I felt so dirty.

It was a productive weekend but at the end of it all, everything looks pretty much the same. Except the underside of our eaves.

Things will start to take on a noticeable change next weekend. Our outdoor maintenance is happening in bits and spurts. I still find it hard to feel as excited as I did during our main floor renovation but I know I will enjoy the end result.

Slowly but surely we will make it through this season of maintenance. It will all be worth it in the end.

I Cooked It (but they didn't come)

"If I make it, they will come..." 

This is a refrain that often chants through my thoughts when I have an extraordinarily ambitious burst of energy and make a family favorite dish. Yesterday was such a day.

I was sitting here alone in my own little world and I was quite certain we would have supper guests. My taste buds were set on barbequed hamburgers. The only problem with that, is I'm pretty sure our barbeque burner has cooked its last burger:

Being the very brave soul that I was, I went shopping for a replacement burner. As I made my way to the store, I decided if I could fix the barbeque I would make a potato salad to go with our burgers. Another salad to go with that, a beverage of our choosing and we would have a perfect summer meal. My youngest son will be 21 in a few days so we could call it a birthday supper and it would be perfect. 

I could smell the burgers cooking, I could hear the easy conversation over supper, I could feel the joy ... if I cook it, they will come whispered through my thoughts.

Well, the replacement burner didn't come with the screws it promised so I had to make my way back to the store to exchange it. While I was standing in line at the customer service counter, I missed a call from my son telling me they were stopping at A & W. We arrived back home at exactly the same time. My sons, with burgers (already made); me, with a barbeque part (assembly required) and uncooked burgers in the fridge.

We ate the A & W burgers. They were so good. We were all hungry and they hit the spot. "Well, you'll just have to stay for a late supper, I added. We can have hot dogs and potato salad," I promised.

The day was long and appetites were satisfied, so supper didn't come. "Lunch tomorrow, then!", I called out as I said my good-byes to my son.

The jury is still out on whether we will be able to use the barbeque (neither my son nor I felt qualified for the feat and after watching a few YouTube videos, I'm still uncertain), but I'm itching to grill the burgers I bought yesterday so I'm still hoping my "Field of Dreams" attitude will result in sharing a meal. 

If I cook it, they usually come. If they don't, I guess I can take my potato salad to work and share it with others. My dream will still be fulfilled.

Come Inside, Said the Bird to the Mouse...

Just yesterday, we were reminiscing about the time when my son had birds in the attic of his house before he installed the soffit which barricaded the openings in his rafters. In and around the same time, he was minus his farm cat and mice were getting into his house...

At the time, I thought it was pretty amusing and Dr. Seuss' book "In a People House" came to mind:

I sent my son a picture of this page compliments of Dr. Seuss and thought I was pretty hilarious. It's payback time ...

My son has offered to take care of the removal of my old soffit and fascia and will replace it with a vinyl, no maintenance variety. I am paranoid we may get a torrential rain in the two week period before the installation of eavestroughs and downspouts so he assured me he had a plan which would leave the eavestroughs in place as long as possible.

Yesterday, he started removing the old soffit. It is an ugly, messy job and he squeezed it into a rather committed day so I was grateful for any little thing he did. As I looked up into the underside of the eave, I was pleased he didn't just do a cover-up job. He got rid of the old, before installing the new. What a good man!

I set out to clean up the debris after my son left and as I completed the job, I looked up again. This time, a little more closely:

This is one small section of the entire side of the house. There is definitely enough room for a bird to make its way inside. In fact, doesn't that insulation that is peeking out look kind of good for making a nest?

Don't be silly, I thought! What bird in its right mind would be searching for a good place to nest this time of the year? The nesting period is behind us, right? And there is nothing for them to perch on, to notice this view. Right? Right!!

I was talking myself down off the precarious cliff I was on and tried to imagine the phone call between my son and me if I was to call him with my concern. "Don't be crazy. You are over-thinking this, Mom!" I could hear my son say. Okay. Okay, I would just let it go. It will be okay.

I went about my business and tried to assemble the barbeque burner I was trying to replace ONE more time. 

Then I noticed a robin atop my neighbor's garage behind us. I've never seen a robin there before. He spotted our open rafters. I just know it. He sat there and sat there. He called out to his friends. I could translate his chirping just as clear as day, "Hey, Robins everywhere!! There is a new place to nest over here! I'm just waiting for the cats to clear out before I check it out myself..."

No, that is not possible. The robin couldn't see the underside of our eaves from that vantage point. I was being paranoid. The creatures of nature were not looking for a port in the storm and would not find this vacancy in the short period it is open for business. They have better things to do.

Then, I noticed our cat who was sitting atop the deck railing. He was turned around and the open eave grabbed his attention. Our cat, who is an avid bird watcher, was watching the underside of our eaves. Was it because it was different and it just caught his eye? Or ... had a bird already flown inside??

That was enough for me. I gathered up our cats and herded them inside. I could think of this no longer. Out of sight, out of mind. 

And it worked. I came inside and never thought of it again. But the rhyming scheme of Dr. Seuss' book continues to rattle on in my head in the light of day. I have slightly mis-remembered it and in my muddled memory, I hear, "Come inside, said the bird to the mouse. I'll show you what there is in a People House..."

P.S. Mice can't climb siding, can they???

Rabbit Radar

I heard a different than usual kind of "meow" from the living room this morning. It wasn't an "I'm bugging my Brother Cat" kind of meow. It wasn't the chirpy meow that accompanies bird watching. It was a "purry" kind of meow. Something had captured Jet's interest and his meow piqued my curiousity. 

It turns out it was Jet's "I see a rabbit" meow. Look who was resting under the tree in our very own front yard!!

I grabbed my coffee and simply savored the moments for as long as they lasted. The rabbit (who may or not be "Jerry", the rabbit who I made eye contact with a few nights ago) was still for many minutes. Then I saw him chewing. I think he found the rabbit food I sprinkled under the tree several weeks ago in an attempt to lure rabbits into our yard.

I had all but given up on my rabbit food attraction and was (still am, actually) considering growing a "rabbit garden". Lettuce, specifically. I am just pondering where I could make this happen. Does lettuce grow under a fir tree? That is a thought for another day ...

After "Jerry", the rabbit finished nibbling on what he found under our tree, he hopped across the street and enjoyed whatever our neighbor's yard was serving up for dessert. If you look real hard, you can spot him.

I've zoomed in on him here:

Jerry spent a fair little bit of time enjoying the nourishment he found in our neighorbor's yard (what do they have that we don't have, I wondered) before he hopped off into his day.

This rabbit gazing moment was brought to you compliments of "Jet" - the cat who has developed a special meow to indicate the presence of rabbits in the area. I hope he hones his Rabbit Radar and alerts me on an ongoing basis.

Maintenance vs Renovations

We are entering the third week of exterior house maintenance. May I just say "maintenance" is not half the fun of "renovations" but it is just as costly.

Important issues are being addressed, such as moving the bathroom fan vent to a different location to prevent the ice dam issues in its previous location. We now have "architectural" grade shingles which should last longer. Good to know. Good to have. But not terribly exciting.

Shingling in progress; front view

Shingling half done; back view (bathroom fan has been moved)

Start date: May 19th; completion date: May 21st; paid in full. End of story.

Second project - redo the foundation parging. 

Day one - not very satisfied with the work/look of the job

Day two - better 

Apparently the look I was expecting could only be accomplished with acrylic material which is much more expensive. It would have been nice to know this ahead of time. But ... this will do.

Start date: June 4th; completion date: June 5th; awaiting my bill

Phase Three: soffit and fascia. Ordered: June 6th; anticipated start date: June 8th; expected completion date: on or before June 16th (this is a weekend project, compliments of my Second Son)

Phase Four: eavestroughs and downspouts. Anticipated date of work: June 21st

Phase Five: house and garage painting. Scheduled to begin: July 8th (weather permitting)

If all goes according to plan, the exterior of our house should be tended to by the middle of July. Much of this work is cosmetic, there are some ventilation and ice dam issues being addressed and there is an element of adding some non-maintenance items to the agenda in the hope that some of this work will never have to be done again.

The exterior maintenance work feels akin to getting dental work done. It is necessary but it isn't too terribly fun. As much as I hope to simply sit back and gaze at the complete project as we head into summer, I fear that tending to peeling paint and curled up shingles may accentuate the brown grass and untreated deck and fence. 

Like dental work, I know this will feel good once it is complete. But the process feels tedious, expensive and I'm simply staring at the clock waiting for it to be done. 

No lesson or moral to today's story. I'm just biding my time, waiting for the end and watching the dollars disappear faster than I can earn them. 

Life's like that sometimes. You must take care of the bricks and mortar, maintain a good solid foundation and know you have peace of mind and a safe place to fall.