Rabbit Tracks in the Snow

I love fresh snow! It is the most excellent way of monitoring the presence of rabbits who wander through our yard and is the next best thing to video surveillance. 

I got home at 8:00 last night and found one set of rabbit prints entering our yard. There was a distinct "rabbit print" in the snow, where you could tell it stopped and rested a while right beside the rabbit food dish.

I checked sporadically through the rest of my waking hours. No rabbit sighting. No more rabbit prints in the snow.

Then I woke up this morning to find this!!!

Between word getting out that there is food to be had in this yard and the obvious curiousity these little guys have for our new Christmas light projector, there was a Rabbit Palooza going on in our front yard over night!

All these rabbit tracks and no actual rabbit spottings ...

It made me ponder the presence which is all around us that we cannot see. This thought warmed me from the inside, out and I felt no end of joy as I thought of the mystic and whimsical thoughts of "that which I cannot see that is all around me".

The absolute joy I felt as I gazed at all the rabbit tracks filled my soul. I gazed out into our front yard and simply enjoyed the wonder of it all.

Then guess who hopped in to have a little snack on his way past our yard? Yes, an actual rabbit! And I shall name it "Joy".

Christmas Joy

This is what I returned home to last night:

My son set this up yesterday and didn't trust leaving it unattended. So he also set up a video time lapse to "catch a thief", should anyone try to steal our Christmas light projector.

Look who came to check out our new lights! 

I was over the moon when we stumbled across this video footage: 

Christmas Joy in the form of our friendly neighborhood rabbit.

Same Old, Same Old

I live a bit of a "Groundhog Day" existence. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the sameness, the predictability and routine of a regularly scheduled day in my life but I wouldn't mind tweaking a thing or two.

I woke up this morning, made my bed, checked for rabbits, made coffee and wrote my morning pages at the table in front of the living room window. I made my morning smoothie, a second cup of coffee and worked through my regularly scheduled word and number puzzles. By the third cup of coffee, I was into perusing the Internet which usually leads me to stopping by and blogging for a bit before the demands of the day start to nag at me. Rinse and repeat. I do this over and over and over again. It never gets old.

It is the "nagging" part of the above scenario that is tiresome. I have to wash and tame my hair. Thankfully aging provides a reprieve there. If I don't sweat or get caught up in a dust storm, my hair will last a week between washings. The frequency between touching up my roots has sped up to every three to four weeks. The style I presently sport doesn't require cutting too terribly often but I'm feeling a tad shaggy at the moment so I believe my once-every-three-months hair trimming time has arrived.

All in all, can I just say I wish I had the hair of a short-haired cat? A cat's hair grows to a certain length, sheds and starts all over again. Their daily hair-all-over-the-body washing routine could be the downfall. I'm quite certain if I was a cat, I would be complaining about the maintenance of the above mentioned hair. But have you ever seen a short-haired cat having a bad hair day? I do stress the short-haired part. I have seen long-haired cats who could use a trip to the hair salon.

Then I got to thinking. If I was a rabbit, I could change hair colors with the seasons. It would just be part of mother nature's self preservation routine. Though if I was a rabbit, I can certainly hear myself complaining about the shedding required while my hair changed color on its own. The cat wins.

Yes, I should be washing my hair as I write. Then I should go outside and shovel snow. Another repetitive task which gets a little more tiresome as winter settles in to stay. But for today??? This last light snowfall revealed many, many rabbit tracks in our yard. Either our neighborhood rabbits keep coming back and back for more, or word has got out and rabbits from far and wide have heard of the rumor that there is food to be had under our fir tree.

Feeding the rabbits will never get old. Cleaning cat litter however? Just one more task to tend before I head into the day ahead of me.

I'm back on the hamster wheel again. Another day-in-the-life is about to unfold. I know nothing for certain except for the fact that I will head home at the end of the day and settle into the regular little routines that soothe my soul. So I can wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.

Rabbit tracks! Lots and lots of rabbit tracks!!
This will never get old💖

Things I Love

Somewhere across my reading travels this weekend, I came upon the suggestion "Everyone should keep a list of the things they love". I wrote a list in my morning pages. I wrote another list in another notebook. I could probably write a list every day and though it would vary slightly depending upon what was moving my soul at the moment, this is my constant:

I love our home
I love being home
I love coming home
I love staying home
I love when friends and family come into our home
I love waking up in our home
I love falling asleep in our home
I love the memories made in our home
I love the aroma of supper cooking in our home
I love the sounds of our home - Mom's clock inside; her wind chimes outside
I love the morning hours in our home
I love when the rabbits wander into our front yard (love it even better when there is a new snowfall that reveals they came and went when I didn't see them)

I added other things too ...

I love watching the snow fall
I love listening to the ticking of the clock
I love white lights
I love our cat family - near and far
I love the sound of a cat's purr
I love watching cats at play
I love to laugh
I love knee shaking, real and honest conversation
I love waking up before the rest of the world starts to stir

I wrote this list from the comfort of our living room as I sat in the stillness and quiet. I loved everything about the moment I was in.

It's hard to leave the place I love most in the world. But it makes me appreciate it all over again when I return.

Rabbit food to entice the rabbits into our yard

Seems to be working, as these are the rabbit tracks I woke up to this morning (entering and exiting our yard)

... and these are a third set of rabbit tracks (exiting the yard) of the rabbit I spotted sitting in our front yard upon my waking this morning

Breathing

I have been filling my spare moments with reading this weekend past.

I have stumbled upon writers who make me "feel". Their words fill me up and inspire me. I have been inhaling their words.

I came upon this phrase in my travels:

"Reading is Like Breathing in; Writing is Like Breathing out"

~Pam Allyn 

I will exhale another day. This morning I am still inhaling the goodness of the words that found their way into my world.

Lighting Up the Season

Where there are house cats, there are inventive ways to create a Christmas tree.

I don't trust the look of Jet as he studies the trajectory required to leap to the top of this man-made Christmas scene.

With all the newly painted and refinished surfaces, Christmas is going to look a lot different around here this year. 

I Tripped Over a Cat

I am going to have a lovely gash on the side of my arm thanks to tripping over the dead weight of a stationary cat on the way to making my coffee this morning.

I noticed the shredded skin on the side of the counter before I felt the impact on my arm. All I could think at the time is "This is going to make a good story!" if anyone asks what happened to my arm.

It is truly no wonder why children are eager to show people their bumps and bruises. They are living proof they survived a trauma and lived to talk about it.

My thoughts drifted towards the conversations I've had this week. How many of those chats entailed stories of life's obstacles and the journey of coming out the other side? Most of them ...

No matter what you wake up to this morning, my you find comfort in the thought that overcoming hurdles, no matter how trivial or monumental they feel at the time, will make for a good story one day.

Everyone has a story. May your story be a good one!

Fall Season Finales

I cannot begin to tell you just how much I appreciate the mid-season break from watching my regularly scheduled TV line-up.

I only have a few TV favorites but I still have too many. When a person is driven to keep on top of the goings on in TV family's stories in the same fashion they keep up with laundry, cat litter and other regularly scheduled routines in order to feel like one is in control of their life, that person appreciates a break in the TV action twice a year.

I record two shows on Monday; one on Tuesday and two more on Thursday. It feels like a full time job to watch these programs at the end of a long day.

Thankfully I have popcorn and cheezies (the new Pringles for me - I do believe I have officially hit an impasse with this canister of chips which has been my favorite since their arrival in Canada in the 70's) to get me through.

I am ready for a break in the action. The only down-side to this hiatus is I have a hard time remembering where the stories last left off. My brain strength is waning. Is it because I watch too much TV? Since Netflix is there to pick up where the regular TV season left off, I may never find out.

We Have What We Need All Along

I find my day goes better if I simply ride the wave and go with the flow of the tide, wherever the wind blows or simply wherever the next step takes me.

My Tuesday is the equivalent of most people's Monday. It is my first day back into the real world of work, obligations, expectations and (hardest of all) leaving the house for ten hour stretches at a time.

I walked into my work week filled with angst like feelings. I couldn't quite shake them until I reached the end of my day and had to be satisfied with "I did my best".

I walked into yesterday feeling anxious and googled my own blog to find other posts written in angst. I found a little gem where I wrote about a daycare day where no one was meeting anyone's expectations of the day and it went from bad to worse. This was the post which I wrote next:

Right in Our Own Back Yard

This is how I ended my last post:

"Set yourself free today. Don't follow the rules (or mow your lawn or pick your weeds). Let the day flow in and through you just the way it wants to. Don't fight the flow. And see how it goes.

There is beauty in letting the day wash through you. I think I need to take a piece of my own advice. If I'm still standing at the end of the day, I'll try and update you."

Then? I proceeded to follow my own advice and had a most excellent day.

We rolled with the punches. All day. And the day went amazingly well.

We followed where the day took us and even though it didn't take us any further than our own back yard, we had a completely different view and the day took on a glow.

Some clouds rolled in and shaded our deck in the morning so we played in the shade, watched a hydrovac truck pull out our fence post and then the kids got the best gift of all. The guy who pulled out our post invited them to come have a look at the hole he made, a tour of his truck and [insert drum roll here] they got to go "rock picking" in the back alley while we were there.

They brought their rocks back onto the deck with them and they provided no end of entertainment. Peace, contentment and joy were all wrapped up into our morning and I didn't even have to apply sunscreen!

After nap time, my son rigged up a sprinkler hose atop the deck railing and we endured the heatwave in an imaginative and interactive way.

I didn't fight the flow and the day provided exactly what we needed. 

Add a big, noisy truck, a few clouds when needed, some rocks and some water and it equalled contentment in my little world. 

As an added bonus, our fence is finally fixed, so next week we have full run of the back yard again.

Everything we needed was right in our own back yard. Isn't that often the case?

Go ahead and live your day as it unfolds. Do your best. Sometimes what we need the most is right in front of us. We simply have to notice we have what need all along.

A Little More on Angst

When I woke up feeling a little angsty this morning, I searched the word "angst" on my blog and came up with this post from the past. I wrote this during the height of some of my daycaring stresses and I still found the lessons hidden within the toughest of days. It is my hope I will always keep looking for the nuggets of wisdom hidden within the toughest of days.

Here is a little blast from my past, written 4-1/2 years ago:

FRIDAY, JUNE 26, 2015

Angst

Angst -  a feeling of anxiety, apprehension, or insecurity

Yes, "angst" is a good word for the way I woke up this morning.

I haven't been rolling with this week very well.  I think I need a holiday. Kid-chatter is grating on my last nerve.

Scene from my two days ago:

Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Uh-huh.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Yes I do.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Yes, I like your dress.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Yes. I like your pretty dress.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: YES, AND I HEARD YOU THE FIRST FOUR TIMES YOU TOLD ME! [fail, I know]

Scene from yesterday:

Me: Who has an idea what to have for snack today?
Child 1: I do.
Child 2: No, I do!
Child 3: NO! I DO!!
Me: Okay, what is your idea?
Child 1, 2 and 3: Silence

Yesterday morning started out with a large, suspicious wet spot on the couch. My Little Guy, who had just arrived and didn't want to eat breakfast with us and sat on the couch, had an overfilled diaper that leaked onto the couch.

The cleaning-of-the-couch process drew children to me, like bees to honey. And I wasn't feeling too terribly sweet. So I turned on the "Bubble Guppies" and begged them to watch it and sit on the love seat, where they always sit, not on the couch. You would have thought I was asking for the moon.

So ... we finally made it out the door and we had walked fifteen minutes towards a spray park to find a cool way to beat the heat when this conversation took place:

Little Boy #2: [indeterminable mumbling preceded the words] ... poopin'.
Me: [immediately remembering I had failed to take him to the bathroom just before we left, although he had gone immediately after breakfast and we would have been out the door shortly thereafter, if it wasn't for the Wet Couch Incident] You have to go poop?
Little Boy #2: Yup

I couldn't be frustrated. It was my fault. We turned on a dime, headed home, took him to the bathroom. And by then, he didn't have to go.

So we headed back towards the park and all went well. We got home, had a quick lunch, watched a little bit of a movie and everyone headed towards those minutes of the day I love the best. Quiet time.

I usually get twenty minutes to myself during that time. Then I get the older ones up so they can watch a movie and I have an added half hour of them watching a movie while I start to update our daycare blog. Those quiet minutes get me through the day. When I don't get them? I am depleted.

Yesterday? I didn't get them.

Little Boy #1 woke up an hour ahead of schedule. He is a dynamo. He bounces off the couches. Literally. He needs to climb, be active, diversity and he really thrives in a no-rules-zone. I need this little boy to sleep. He didn't.

It was hot, hot, hot outside yesterday. So I brought the water table out onto the shaded deck. This new activity brought no end of fun and bliss and contentment to our world last year. I was ready for some blissful, cool water fun. It would save the day.

Little Boy #1 was not here last year. He LOVED the water. But no one else could enjoy the water play because he saturated everything and everybody in sight. It was a "two part" table, so I moved him over to the other half so he could play any which way he wanted to play and not soak everyone else. He didn't like that idea. He wanted to be where everyone else was. Then he climbed onto/into the water table. Not once. Not twice. Three times. The water table is not meant to be sat in.

Little Boy #2 saw LB #1 climbing in the table so he thought it would be just fine to sit on it as well. Not once. Not twice. But three times.

I dumped the water and hid the table in the garage.

Little Boy #2 was angry with me for taking away the only fun thing there was to do. I begged my son to come outside with me. I desperately needed to communicate with someone over the age of three. He didn't want to be there and when he saw my exasperation levels he simply said, "I don't know why you didn't just take them downstairs".

"Because I am being a good, creative and fun babysitter, That is why! I'm doing the right things but the wrong things are happening!! THAT'S why!"

Well, I didn't really say that. But I did think it.

Why do the wrong things happen when you do what you do for all the right reasons? Could it be because nothing I offered the kids came from a place of joy? It was all guilt and trying to do the right thing.

Thus, I woke this morning [is it just me, or is this not the longest week in the history of man???], feeling very apprehensive about the day ahead of me. I am anxious because I really don't know what to do with my little energizer bunny who is sick to death of the confines of our house and yard. And I am feeling insecure because I should be better than this.

I know better but I'm not doing better.

Angst. Yes, that is me today. It can only get better. Right?

Good things do not come from a place of guilt and obligation. Good things come out of the smallest intentions, coming from a place of giving and joy.

I think we are going to go find bugs and stones today. Life is simpler that way.

One other quote from yesterday:

As we were walking to the waterpark (the first time), my three-year-old little girl saw a yard overgrown with a wild flower garden, unkempt and unmowed grass, filled with dandelions and clover in full bloom and she said in wonder, "Colleen! Look at the beautiful garden!!"

And do you know what? It was beautiful. It was unabandoned, unrestricted wild beauty. Mother Nature set free to do as she pleased. And it looked good.

Set yourself free today. Don't follow the rules (or mow your lawn or pick your weeds). Let the day flow in and through you just the way it wants to. Don't fight the flow. And see how it goes.

There is beauty in letting the day wash through you. I think I need to take a piece of my own advice. If I'm still standing at the end of the day, I'll try and update you.

"Colleen! What a beautiful garden!!"

Feeling Angsty

I woke up with a good case of "angst" this morning. It seems to be coming at me from all directions and I don't quite know what to do but wonder if it is just the phase of the moon.

I woke up with the thought "Life could change on a dime". I can think of a few triggers for this ominous thought. Most of all I am berating myself for simply not appreciating life-as-I-know-it. Life is such a delicate, precarious balance of good, bad, stressful, easy, work, leisure, expectations ... and the list goes on and on. And on.

Lesson #1 - "When you wake up to a day that is much like the day you expect it to be, be grateful." There is much to be said for a day like every other.

I then started panicking about the way I've been handling my finances. "I should pretend I don't get one pay cheque and save it." Not only to build up my savings but to practise for the day when my income level will change. Life could change on a dime, you know!

Lesson #2 - take "work like you don't need the money" to a new level and "Work like you aren't getting paid for it - and SAVE!"

Then I got on my own case and berated myself for a project I started and put aside. I have mastered the art of procrastination. I have that quality within me so fine tuned I have forgotten that I have been putting off until next year (or the year after that), what could be done in small step-by-step increments.

Lesson #3 - "One small step in a forward direction will put you one step closer to your goal." Baby steps. One step at a time. Get 'er done, Girl!!

I felt my childhood regret of speaking out loud haunt me this morning. Did I write something or say something I shouldn't have? I labored over replying to a text last night because the words wouldn't come. I overthought something I may have written weeks ago. Coulda, shoulda, woulda kinds of thoughts prevailed.

Lesson #4 - "Just do your best. One day at a time." I can hear Mom tell me "Be careful what you put in writing" and I heed that advise to the best of my ability.

Good health should never be taken for granted. This goes right along with lesson #1 - waking up to a body that works as you have grown accustomed to expecting to is a gift like no other. Life can change on a dime. Prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

I take my circumstances for granted. I know I do. I wake up to a warm and cozy home, I jump out of bed and head into my day feeling nothing but a little groggy. I work for people I respect and admire and actually get paid for the privilege. I live in a state of feeling overwhelmed and depleted and don't replenish myself in the ways I could and should.

I do a few things right. I do my best. I endeavour to be kind to everyone. I am grateful.

I make mistakes. We all do. I try my best. But I still fail. I wake up every morning with the opportunity to try, try again.

I'm feeling angsty this morning. Perhaps because I woke up with the knowledge that I need to try a little harder today.

Three Weeks

I colored my hair on the same day I borrowed some books from the library.

My books were due in three weeks. I looked into the mirror a few days before the three week deadline and saw my roots needed to be touched up.

Library books and hair color. Both needed to be renewed in three weeks.

Oh, how time flies when you color your hair!!

This can be filed in the "Things that really don't matter" ...

Dreaming

"I have stopped dreaming" are words I have written in the not so recent past. My conscious mind wrote the words. My subconscious mind took those words and ran with them.

I have been dreaming dreams I remember long after I wake up these days. Almost every day I have another dream to add to the dream list.

Mom is in many of the dreams. She only spoke to me directly in one of them. In the rest, she has been in the cast of characters but hasn't had a speaking part. I guess she only talks to me on the phone.

My dreams are not disturbing. They all seem to be intertwined with my subconscious thoughts. It is as if my brain is working overtime to figure out the mysteries of life during my sleep.

I have been craving some genuine down time to be still and hear my thoughts. My "sitting in a sun beam" moments, to hear the quiet voice within, seem to be elusive and I can't chase them down. My dreams are working overtime to help me hear my inner voice.

I googled "Why am I dreaming so much?" this morning and found a variety of explanations. None of them seem to apply to me except the explanation that I am probably getting more REM sleep. I feel more rested these days so that answer appeased my curiousity.

Past and present are intertwined. My children become children again. Mom is alive and well. Lots of dreams are intertwined with my day to day thoughts. But I'm still not dreaming of the future.

It feels good to dream again, if only in my sleep. This may be key to unlocking dreams in my wakeful state.

What dreams may come as life unfolds? Time will tell ...

Adulting is Hard

Do kids these days know how lucky they really are?!

"Nap time!!" I remember well, telling my daycare family how lucky they were to get to have an afternoon nap. Oh, how I wish someone would tell me I to be still, be quiet, rest and let sleep overtake me.

How I would love someone to ground me. "You are not to leave the house for a week, Young Lady!!" Music to my ears. Even if I wasn't called young.

"You must be home by 10:00!" No, no, no ... 10:00 is too late. "How about 8:00?" I can hear myself bargaining.

"I cooked you a good supper - the least you can do is try some!" Someone cooking for me?! Are you kidding me? The best part of childhood is completely overlooked until one must feed themselves.

"Turn off the TV and go read a book!" Why is it as an adult, you forget how good it feels to tune out the world, open a book and loose yourself in the world of a good story?

I would add "You are not allowed to go to that party!" to my list but my quiet little life is not party oriented. No work Christmas parties. Ever. This is the best part of life as I know it.

"Go to bed early!" Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!

I think I may just do that. 

G'night!😴

Where Does the Time Go?

I can fritter time away like nobody's business. I get up shortly after 5 a.m. and I'm still scrambling to get out the door by 9:30.

What in the world is so important?

Morning pages. Minimum time investment 45 minutes. Let's round that up to an hour to account for getting up, making my bed and getting "my head" ready to leave the house. A dab of eyeliner and a few strokes of color on my cheeks and I'm good to go.

A second cup of caffeine, my morning smoothie and word/number puzzles go together like chocolate and peanut butter. Depending on the difficulty of the puzzles and my brain power of the moment and this takes a minimum of another hour.

There go two hours in the blink of an eyelash.

Then comes the little time-fillers. One more cup of coffee. Facebook scrolling and checking for new blog posts from some of my favorite bloggers. Submitting a power meter reading; banking and financial loose ends to tie up; making my lunch; replying to texts/emails; turning on an appliance to wash dishes or clothes requires an eventual effort on my part when it comes to putting said dishes/clothes away.

Meanwhile, I must check on the rabbits. I haven't had a rabbit sighting in a few days. Where do they go when I can't see them I wonder...

All the while, my thoughts run in a little loop. Things to do. Things that have been done. Silently congratulating myself for washing my hair and vacuuming yesterday so I've freed up some time. What will I blog about today? What is insightful? What little life event triggered an epiphany? What do I really have to say? Any cat tales? Rants or raves? Hmmm ...

This morning the thought that kept coming up to the surface is the fact that I am such a power sleeper, I have wore a hole in my sheet:

What the heck? Who wears out sheets? This must have usually been at the foot of my bed and perhaps it is worn from the nights my feet are cold and I try to create a little warmth by moving my feet back and forth?? Does it really matter? Do I sleep too much? Add sheets to my list.

Honestly. I am a world class champion at wasting time. Yet the things I want to accomplish get put to the bottom of the pile. All my morning chores must be done first.

Am I this way because I am out of the house all day and these inane activities calm and soothe me before I head out the door?

I squeeze in all the things I used to do during quiet time when I ran my daycare into my mornings and have turned relaxing into a job. I sleep so hard I wear out my sheets. Maybe I am more focused than I give myself credit for. Look how hard I work during the night and into the morning.

I think I found out where my time goes. Relaxing is hard work.

Be Still

Words were not forthcoming this morning. 

I sat here and tried to write. Then deleted everything. I read something to create the opportunity for new thought patterns. I wrote some more. Then I deleted it again.

I walked away, washed my hair and vacuumed.

The words that kept chiming through my head as I toiled away at all the "hard things" I squeezed into the space where I could have been writing?

"Be Still"

"Be Still and Know"

"Keep Moving and Guess"

Why am I craving more weekend time in the easy life I live? The desire to be still. Be still and know.

I am caught up in the weekly routine that is life as I know it. I have no reason to complain. But I do.

I simply want to be still. Be alone. Tune out the world. And know.

What is your inner voice telling you as you go through your days? Listen to the voice that speaks quietly. Don't ignore your inner knowing. 

Be still and know ...

Hiding in Plain Sight

My day began with an almost missed rabbit spotting. One rabbit was on the street headed away from here. If I had not spotted this rabbit, I wouldn't have seen the second one who was hiding in plain sight in a yard across the street. The only chance I have of spotting the rabbits, if they are not in my own front yard, is if they are on the street or on the move.

Hiding in plain sight.

I'll never know the number of times I've gazed out the window and missed seeing what was right in front of me. Simply because there was no movement to catch my eye.

How many other things does a person miss?

We go about our days with our eyes set on whatever mission we are on. Some are better than others at taking in a wide angle view of life and seeing it in a panoramic view. I tend to see only what is before me. I liken it to walking through the day with blinders on. I zero in on and focus on what is right in front of me while missing that which is going on all around.

At work, I often miss the obvious by staring too intently on that which is wrong in a mathematical puzzle. I need to back up, back off, regroup and refocus to find that which is right before me at times.

I think of "life" in general and the times when I have looked out and beyond the life I was living. Hoping, wishing, grasping for a life that wasn't mine to have. A love that was lost. A job that was never mine to have. A life that ended before I was ready to let go. Looking at my young children and visualizing who I hoped they could be instead of appreciating who they were.

Sometimes a person needs to look at the wider picture to see above and beyond exactly where you are, in order to move forward. Other times, everything you could ever hope for is right in your own back yard. Hiding in plain sight.

Room With a View

During our upstairs renovation our kitchen table got moved around more than any other piece of furniture. It moved from the kitchen to various places within the living room, then back to a few temporary spots in the kitchen before it found its final resting spot under the light in the kitchen.

As long as I could sit at the kitchen table to begin my day it really didn't matter where it was located. I cozied in and was at home wherever the table happened to settle. But I did have one favorite location. I loved when I could gaze out the living room window before the world woke up.

An early morning rabbit sighting a few days ago spurred me into shuffling the furniture around to attempt to recreate that morning coffee view. I moved Mom's table from her sun room to create my own sunny little morning space:

Now ... if only the rabbits would hop into view as I sit with my morning coffee, it would be perfect. 

She Called Me

 She called me out of the blue. Just like it was a regular, ordinary Sunday.

"Where are you?!? How are you?"

"Home," she answered as if there is no where else she could possibly be.

She said something that made me feel she knew what I had been through since I last saw her. She understood but I believe she thought I could have been stronger.

"I'll come to see you. Right now!!"

She told me not to come. Not yet ... she was fine.

There was more to the conversation but I can't remember the details. She was okay. She had spoken to my sister. My son had called her. When I asked him what her number was, he looked at me incredulously and replied her number was the same as always (why wouldn't it be?). 

This must be a dream I kept telling myself over and over. But it isn't. Because I'm not waking up. It must be a dream ...

Then I woke up. It was the day before my birthday. She always called on our birthday. I got to hear Mom's voice. She was a day early but she called.

I opened my eyes and remained in the moment. She called me. She is okay. She has been watching over me. She is home. But I cannot come. "Not yet," she told me.

She is home ...

New Habits and Me

I have filled a journal and ran the ink dry on two, brand new (for journal writing only) pens. Morning pages and me seem to be working.

Julia Cameron, something is happening here. What started out as three pages of negativity, whining and repetitive nonsense has unclogged some of my writing arteries.

I have a way to go but I believe I'm off to a good start. Writing and me go back a long way. Instilling the habit of literally writing from the heart, straight onto the page without technological intervention (a computer keyboard) has worked some kind of magic for me. 

I know "writing" isn't the answer for everyone but it sure works for me. I always seem to find my answers when I let myself write like no one is reading. I highly recommend it.

Rabbits!!!

My pen ran out of ink at a just the right moment this morning. When I went to find another pen within my back-up supply, I noticed the cats gazing out the window...

Our cats often look into the nothingness outside our living room window. It may be a bird. It may be nothing the human eye can see. But this morning?! It was not one, but two rabbits right in our very own front yard.

I watched, waited, watched the cats watching the rabbits. They nibbled on the grass  ... one washed its face a bit ... the other found its way to the small dish of rabbit food I set out for them ... they stayed in our yard for most of my rabbit watching time.

Eventually they hopped across the street. First one. The other followed. One hopped up in the air and all four feet left the ground. Then it rolled in the snow. Then the other did the same. They both hopped up in the air a few times and I was hopeful this meant a little game was in the works (maybe their feet were just cold?).

They hopped across the street to a neighbor who is kitty-corner to me and checked out their little rabbit garden for a short while. I marvelled at the wonder of nature. Their bellies are white while their backs still hold a little tinge of autumn brown coloring. If they hadn't moved, I would have never seen them in the snow/foliage that hid them.

They crossed the street again. One was the leader. The second one always followed. I was sure they were going to disappear down the alley, out of sight when a vehicle came from the direction they were headed and they fled back across the street again. They went in two different directions. I wondered if this was instinct. A predator could only go after one of them if they headed in two directions...

I waited. They had planned on heading down the street they had just crossed. I was pretty certain they would forge on with their plan as soon as the coast was clear. I was right.

First, a rabbit from one direction. Second, a rabbit from the other direction. Third (!!!), another white rabbit-sized animal came from a third direction. Three!!! (there is a reason for my three exclamation marks)

And they were off. Three!!! I'll never know if the third furry critter was a rabbit or a white neighborhood cat. But I do know for a fact I saw three of them head off into directions unknown.

I hope they will be back (they know where the rabbit food is).

Rabbit Watching

Dream Sequence Analysis

I woke up to a dream sequence that was all over the map this morning. A little bit like my thoughts as I wake up to this frosty, freezing rain kind of Friday.

Thoughts of my car repair saga equalled the dream of driving a newer car I had borrowed from someone. I didn't like it. I didn't like it one little bit. Visibility was poor. I just wanted to get to my destination and back safely.

Thoughts of our pending street closure/water maintenance had me dreaming that I driving past obstacles in this borrowed car. Visibility was poor AND there was unexpected debris on the road. I just wanted to get past the obstacles.

Thoughts of my disjointed, disrupted and unproductive work day yesterday led to the dream of my daycare days. A daycare mom was concerned over her daughter's care and she didn't trust me. She kept dropping in at unexpected times to ensure her daughter's well being. I was trustworthy even when no one was watching.

Thoughts of my youngest son's university challenges was at the core of the dream where he was back in elementary school and I was allowing him to miss school because he slept in. So I took control and drove him to school in the borrowed car from my dream, in my pajamas, dodging traffic/children/debris. I just wanted to be the parent he needed to guide him along the way.

Thoughts of my middle's son quest to further his education had me dreaming that my son asked if he could move home temporarily due to a new responsibility at work. Which morphed into my concerns over his farm and he showed me an elaborate system of keeping his "livestock" (dogs/cats/rabbits) fed and watered in his absence. My middle son is fully capable, independent and doesn't need me. I still want to be there in the ways I can.

Then came the part of the dream that was about our cats and pillows. An excess of pillows. Cats were hiding under them. Cat hair had to be dealt with before I could store the pillows. Cats and pillows - just a part of my every day reality and where I place an extraordinary amount of my energy.

Back to reality now. To make a long story short, I live a good life.

If one leads a life that can be summed up in concerns where we want to get beyond life's roadblocks; make it home safely; peace of mind that we are all doing our best one day at a time, one has little to worry over. Except for the eternal car, cat and pillow thoughts of the moment I couldn't ask for more.

P.S. My car windshield wiper fluid repair was minor - it needed a hose. The rear defrost however is a bigger issue - the only repair they could offer was getting the entire rear window replaced. As I drive to work this morning on icy roads, I will be reminded how fragile this car's life is. What if this car was in an accident? Money must be spent accordingly. More thoughts to ponder in my sleep...

Filling the Void (Living Life Forward)

I found myself thinking of Mom this morning. "I miss missing her ..." I wrote. As I continued to let my fingers do the walking, I found an inner contentment which has filled the void that was created since Mom died.

While Mom was here, I wrote her a weekly letter. She phoned me in response to my letters. If I was not home, she would wonder where I was and if she had to wait too long before I responded there was a sense of urgency within her voice. She knew my routines and would concern herself when I wasn't where she expected me to be. My holidays would revolve around going out to see Mom. Our sister weekends would often involve going to Mom's.

Mom has been a strong guiding force within my life. I listened to myself repeat what she had said often over the course of my life as I lived it and I wistfully thought of the day when I would be quoting her after she was gone. I was pleased to recognize I appreciated who she was to me while she was here on earth.

After Mom died and the immediate needs of taking care of her house, estate and tying up all loose ends with the lawyer, accountant and our taxation department were done, there was a distinct void in my life that was once filled with "Mom".

The void created the space for me to feel all the feelings I had been tamping down with busyness. It was a time when tears appeared out of nowhere and everywhere all at the same time. It was a time of sadness but it was necessary.

Life doesn't stand still for anyone. The sun continues to rise each and every day, seasons pass, bills need to be paid and life goes on (and on and on). Life dragged me along as I dragged my heals through that first year. It didn't matter. The sun rose. The sun set. Life called out its demands. I had no choice but to move along with the flow.

Fast forward another year. I stopped bucking the idea of moving on. I started making a few plans. I dared to dream a little. I placed my dreams and my final financial gift from Mom into our home. Home renovations began, my thoughts were consumed with all aspects of that. Bit by bit, the void created by Mom's absence began to fill up.

I continue to think of Mom, what she may say or think, I quote what I remember from Mom's vast array of quotable quotes and smile when I think of some of our conversations. She continues to guide my thoughts, actions and motives. She is part of who I am. It is undeniable. Sometimes I must quiet my inner-Margaret but most of the time, I just smile when I get a flash of her expression or hear the scorn in her voice over some inane use of the English language.

The cracks of my life have been filled up with living my life forward. As I think of the past year, it is "full". Full of home renovations, family, plays, Glennon Doyle, Cher, Oprah, friends, getaways, gatherings and celebrations. It was a year which was filled with doing things that filled me up and filled the void left in Mom's absence.

It feels good to feel fulfilled again. I do miss missing Mom but it is more important to go with the flow of life and live it fully while one is able to do so. I still feel Mom's guiding force and I hear Dad within my thoughts too. Between the two of them, they gave me the tools, my siblings, a strong sense of who I am and who I aspire to be.

Life goes on. We carry bits and pieces of everyone we meet as we make our way along. I am grateful to have thoughts of Mom and Dad within me. It is my hope to live my life in a way that would please and honor them.

Sometimes ... A Weekend is All You Need

I had a thoroughly restful and relaxed weekend after a week of dealing with a bookkeeping challenge which I had hoped to bring to a close by the end of Friday. I failed.

I apologized to my boss, told her I truly believed I would get to the bottom of things before the week ended but showed her my progress and knew I was on the cusp of solving the great number mystery which has had us scratching our heads for longer than I care to admit.

I woke up yesterday morning, thinking of the progress I made last week, I came up with a plan of attack and I was ready to roll when I walked in the door yesterday morning. She woke up at a similar hour of the morning thinking very parallel thoughts. I don't know whose thoughts invaded whose in the wee hours of the morning but I apologized (again) for "waking her up" at such an ungodly hour with my extra sensory perception which crossed planes with hers at the same time.

We were both of like mind when I presented my case, told her my plan and she simply said, "Do it! It has to get done. It sounds like you are on the right path."

I did it. And it is done. Finally.

I ran my hypothesis up against a copy of the company's books so I didn't harm any of our existing records. All that needs to be done now, is to transfer this knowledge into our company's permanent files and the deed is done.

I filed last week away in my mind and didn't labor over the challenges yet unmet over the course of the weekend. I have the ability to compartmentalize like that. I know. It is a gift. It doesn't always work but when it does, I feel like I'm gifted with the ability to "Do my best at the time. Then let it go. Until next time".

I woke up after the weekend and I was ready to solve what had not been solved before. Sometimes? A weekend is all you really need.

Construction Notice

A Water and Sewer Mainenance notice was waiting for me in our mailbox when I returned home yesterday. I scanned the notice, was grateful we will be away from home during most of the hours water could/will be turned off and tossed it onto the counter for further consideration this morning.

This means we could potentially be without water from 7 a.m. - the time of day when most of our water consumption is used. This will take some planning and practise.

We keep approximately 30 litres of water on hand at any given time. This came about due to a need to fill our extra fridge so it wouldn't be wasting power cooling a fridge that was not full and after a time I read that a household should keep one gallon of water per person per day (and one should be prepared to be self sufficient for 72 hours) in case of emergency. I added one and one together and came up with a most excellent solution of cleaning out and filling empty 4 litre milk jugs to fill the empty space within our extra fridge and voila! We are never without an emergency water supply.

If this planned water shut-down begins at 7 a.m., this will severely hamper my coffee intake and outflow capacity and our morning bath/showers. I rinse dishes to the point where they are basically clean so I will need to adapt my morning rinsing habits. Hand washing and tooth-brushing ends the list that presently comes to mind.

This morning, I am practising living with a defined amount of water. I cleaned and partially filled the tub with hot water so my bath is already drawn. I made my lunch before the potential 7 a.m. water shut off time. I have water in the bathroom sink; water in the kitchen sink and I have been conscious of my water usage.

This is a test. It is only a test. When the actual water shut down occurs, I should be able to tell by the road closures in and around 6 a.m. which will give me a little warning to prepare for an actual case of lack of water.

Our water was turned off for a few hours a while ago. This didn't happen during our hours of high volume water usage. I brought some of our emergency water upstairs and my son commented that it was a very good idea to always have this water on hand. I agree.

As I prepared for this planned water outage I couldn't help but think that in a true emergency, we may be without sewer and power as well. How long could we survive a cold Saskatchewan winter day without heat? How long before pipes would freeze? How prepared are we for an outage which would affect our means of communication with the outside world?

One cannot worry about things that have not yet happened but it doesn't hurt to be prepared. Just in case.

We have a fair supply of emergency water; we have batteries on hand, flashlights and a battery operated radio; we have candles and matches; I like to top up the gas in my car when it reaches "half"; right now I have a spare canister of propane on hand for the barbeque. We may not be as prepared as we should be but some of the basics are covered.

As we head into the winter season, my head is consumed with being as prepared and safe as we can be. Which brings me back to the car (always, the car it seems these days!). Not only is the windshield wiper pump not functioning, neither is the rear defrost working up to par. This was confirmed on my drive home last night. Thankfully, the car was already booked in at our neighborhood garage. I just hope it doesn't need a standing appointment throughout the upcoming months.

It pays to be aware of potential emergencies. As I consciously go through this morning, I am reminded of the storage of battery power within our dust buster, power drill and our laptop computers.

There is comfort in knowing I can still tackle emergency vacuuming and drilling situations in case of a power outage and knowledge we have water to wash our hands. It's all good.

Morning Thoughts Tell Me All I Need to Know

My eyes popped open, never to close again in and around 5 a.m. That is okay. It is good. 5:00 a.m. gives me time to do all I want to do with my morning. Which starts with my "morning pages".

My morning thoughts were all about work. What I didn't accomplish last week. What needs to be accomplished this week. Things I know about, all the things that will crop up unexpectedly and everything in between. Work, work and more work thought infiltrated my thought waves.

I started writing which unveiled my deep seated gratitude. I am exactly where I need to be right now. Because ...

My secondary thoughts revolved around my car. Yes. My car. Again. Still. Now? It is the windshield washer pump. It is official. I have only used windshield washer antifreeze for -35ºC or colder. I do not have any light weight summer wiper fluid in the reservoir. The windshield washer pump is not pumping as it should. An appointment is booked.

As I rambled on in my morning pages, I continued to go down the path of my financial state of affairs. #1 goal - pay off money borrowed for exterior house painting this summer; #2 - save up for income taxes owing; #3 - save, save and save some more; #4 - get in the habit of spending less so when retirement does find its way into my life, I am able to live within my means.

Wait a minute!

I have had the nerve to be whiny about the necessity of leaving our home to earn a pay cheque when that very pay cheque is a requirement to sustaining my financial state of existence?!

What if my employers decided my services were no longer required? What if things changed on a dime with either of those I work with and for? Am I ready?

I don't know enough. I haven't saved enough. I have a car that is on life support to sustain its reliability. I presently spend too much money.

I have lived a life where I have had to work, spend wisely and sustain myself. I have had financial back-up systems to help me along the way. I haven't done this all by myself but I have been fully accountable for paying the bills my entire adult life. It will all be okay. It always is.

I need to refresh my memory and remind myself to simply be grateful. I am exactly where I need to be. I always am.

Unexpected Gifts

The weekend is past news. Today is Monday. There is no way to go but forward. Despite the fact I wish the weekend could go on forever, "forward" is a good thing.

I adore weekends. I tentatively map out my hope for what may transpire but for the most part, I simply sit back and let them happen.

Saturday was a quiet day at home. I don't believe I had to speak (much). It was a quiet, reflective day of reading. No, I didn't manage to make it into "Mom's room" to start sorting through the memorabilia that lies within the huge, blue Rubbermaid storage container. Oh well. I read. And it was good.

Sunday was a social day. Mostly at home but I pried myself out of the house to go to a new(er) restaurant near our neighborhood and it was worth the trip. I'll be back!

I had words in me by Sunday. I had energy within. I was felt "full" of everything I needed to make the most of the company I kept.

Books. Popcorn. A small dose of chocolate. Quiet. People. No pressure. No guilt. Not a whole heck of a lot was accomplished. But still ... no guilt.

It was the perfect combination of everything I enjoy. I filled myself up with what I needed most. I took advantage of whatever opportunities arose. Unexpected company was the best gift of all.

The most unexpected gift of the weekend? A pillow. Delivered right to my door. Tried, true and recommended. I have only slept on it one night but I do believe Cinderella has found her one true love - a pillow that conforms to support her neck while remaining soft enough to sleep on.

Thank you, Pillow Gods!! A perfect weekend which I dreamt of as I laid my weary head upon my heavenly pillow.

Life is good.

Opening a Book - The Gift of Words

I have been filling myself up with other people's words recently. I have been reading.  It has been thoroughly enjoyable.

After watching the movie "Judy", I was interested in finding a biography on Judy Garland. I was in the biography section in the library unsuccessful in my quest, when I found Sally Field's memoir "In Pieces" and Chrissy Metz's (from "This is Us") book "This is Me".

I believe I found the books I was meant to read. The thing I love about both of these books is they are autobiographical. No one from the outside, looking in has written the words. They are first person, told from their personal point of view.

Their stories both go back to their first memories, their childhood, the circumstances they were raised in which resulted in a lot of memories about their mothers. As an imperfect mother in an imperfect world, I read their words from the perspective of my own children.

If my three sons were to write a book about their childhood, the mother they knew, their father as they knew him, the circumstances, their challenges, my failings leading up to the people they are today, it would result in three completely different stories.

As I read Sally and Chrissy's books, I thought the same rang true as they spoke of parents as they knew them. Both Sally and Chrissy had other siblings. It sounds as though different children within the same family were treated differently. To write this without context sounds harsh. But from my own personal experience, I know I was a different person as I raised each one of my boys.

Youth, inexperience, struggles within the marriage, finances, job security, my own personal character flaws, outside influences ... everything changed as I went along. I did the best I could at the time and my best changed and evolved over the years. No matter how much I learned along the way, I still made mistakes.

I love the way Sally Field summarizes how she feels as she brings her book to a close. She acknowledges the changing theories on raising a child, she writes of how important the infant to independence years of caring for a child are but she emphasizes that who you become as a person and a parent for the rest of your life matters a lot.

We are all imperfect beings doing the best we can with what we have. I challenge anyone out there to say they have been perfect. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we repeat the mistakes, recycle them, relive them and continue to relearn the lessons we were meant to learn.

We all have different "starting points". We were all raised differently, we have different gene pools, we internalize the world in our own unique way. Some of us learn faster than others. Some may be trapped in circumstances they cannot leave.

Chrissy Metz summarizes it by saying "Hurt people hurt people". Everyone has a story. I am so grateful to have read Sally and Chrissy's stories. Stories where they simply tell the facts as they remember them. Their truth. They don't point fingers and blame others for their circumstances. They acknowledged they wouldn't have become who they needed to be without the challenges they overcame.

I am grateful I stumbled upon autobiographies. They were interesting to read, I learned a lot and these books have piqued my curiosity to learn more, read more, write more and write better.

These little gifts were courtesy of my local library. All for the cost of $0.00. Reading is free of charge. Learning is optional. I love the door these books opened. I appreciate the perspective I have gained as a result of these personal memoirs. Thank you Sally and Chrissy.

Taking Care of the Pennies

Another month has ended and we are one month closer to spring. Unfortunately our days will get shorter before they start lengthening but here we are. November 1st. The dawn of a new calendar page.

With the end of the month comes a renewed state of reviewing my financial well being. It could be better. It could be worse. This week in particular, I am pleased with how I have managed my cash flow.

It all started with some of the most uncomfortable pillows I have owned to date. I have awoken (with a stiff neck) to a SmartSilk pillow paid advertisement more times than I can remember. Nothing speaks to a sore neck better than the promise of a miracle pillow. These pillows are not cheap so I never did take the leap of faith but I have always been intrigued.

Enter "Costco" and the companies who set up shop in their aisles, along with Costco's money back guarantee. The SmartSilk salesman made his pitch. The pillow was on sale for half price. Plus you get a second pillow free. All for the cost of $99.99. I still wasn't sold until he told me there was a money back guarantee. That promise closed the deal.

I purchased these pillows over a month ago. I was brainwashed by the advertising I had heard. I thought I must be sleeping on them wrong because my neck was still stiff. I plumped the pillows. I slept on them on their side. I flipped them over throughout the night. No luck. AND they were heavy and didn't fit in my pillow case. They were (in a word) annoying.

Finally, I woke up with a sore neck for the last time. I scrunched the pillows back into the miniature bag they came in, found my receipt and headed off to Costco. True to the salesman's promise, they refunded my money without question. Thank you, Costco!

I scoured the pillow aisle for the pillow my sister recommended. I couldn't find the one she suggested but for the bargain price of two down-like filled pillows for $17.99, I thought "What can I lose?" The answer? Not a thing!

My returned pillows covered the cost of my new pillows plus all my Costco shopping for the day. Returned pillows minus my new pillows gave me $91.02!! Plus I very much like my new pillows. They are light, fit in my pillow cases and I can scrunch them up to make them work good enough. My neck stiffness has not miraculously been cured but it is definitely no worse.

My second good financial decision was when I noticed my cell phone bill increased by $11.11 for no apparent reason. Upon further investigation I discovered they deleted the special promotion for a $10 credit they had been applying each month. My contract has run out and I wondered if I offered to sign up for a new contract, if they would reinstate my $10.00 promotion. The rep who answered my call could only advise me to check in again with them on Black Friday to see what promotions may be available. But in the meantime, he happily credited my bill the $11.11 I was not expecting. Thank you very much, Bell Canada!

One would think I couldn't do any better. But I did.

I decided to get a flu shot last night and as I wandered the aisles in the store afterwards (they recommended staying in the store for a while in case there was a reaction to the shot), I actually listened to the announcement. Not only was it Senior's Day (20% off) but if you spent $50.00 or more, you would receive a $10.00 gift card. Hmmmm.....

I read that my health insurance will cover the cost of a blood pressure machine if it is prescribed by your doctor. I asked my doctor about it and since I have high blood pressure she wrote the prescription without hesitation. I have been carrying this around with me for months. Then last night's offer sounded like the perfect time to take the plunge. The blood pressure monitor was $69.99, less 20% ($14.00), plus the $10.00 gift card equals a bargain any which way you look at it. If my insurance covers it, it will be a 100% bonus. Thank you, Shoppers Drug Mart!!

My savings this week are $91.02 + $11.11 + $14.00 + $10.00 = $126.13. Granted, I spent $67.19 on the blood pressure monitor so technically it cost me $67.19 to save $126.13 (or in other words, I saved only $91.02 + $11.11 = $102.13). But any which way I look at things, I made some good financial choices this week.

Look after the pennies and the dollars take care of themselves. Listen to announcements while shopping and there may be a bargain with your name on it. If you are unhappy with a product, return it. Take advantage of what your insurance covers. Watch your bills carefully. Call. Ask. Investigate. I could have been told, "I'm sorry but we cannot help you" but I would have never known if I hadn't asked.

The world has been very generous to me this week. I could have moaned and whined about my stiff neck. I could have complained that my cell phone bill increased. I could have continued to carry the prescription for a blood machine monitor in my purse and not utilized it. But I didn't. And I am grateful.