Chaos

Last night, we came home to a note from our reno-guy: "Sorry for the mess! Things are everywhere ..." I looked up and around the kitchen and thought wondered what mess he was talking about. Everything looked much the same as when we left in the morning, minus the aroma of paint greeting us as we walked in the door.

I was so excited to see he had started painting our cupboards, I failed to notice the cupboards were empty. Not only had he painted all the framework of the cupboards and removed the doors, but he had also painted the inside.

How could I not notice the empty cupboards?!

Thus, when my son walked into the living room and uttered a low "Whoa!", I was shocked and surprised to find the contents of our upper cupboards placed carefully onto the empty flat surfaces I had created in preparation for moving-the-upstairs-into-the-basement. "Whoa!"

My carefully controlled and organized state of disarray (aka: sanity) has been tampered with.

We proceeded to empty the bottom cupboards and drawers into a spare room to create even more disorganization. But the knowledge that this will soon be followed by moving everything back into its place and the kitchen will be in order and full working condition before painting begins helped me through the moment.

The sad part is, that EVERY part of my life feels a little bit how our home looks at the moment.

At work, we are dealing with year end, month end, T4's, Revenue Canada deadlines, payroll and all the day to day stuff that crops up (and there is a lot of that). Then there are "mistakes of my past" which have been catching up with me over the past few weeks. My confidence level is very low at this time of great demands.

At home, I have three little (aka: BIG) projects I need to start &/or finish for other people. These boxes/file folders are presently sitting in three piles on the desk in the spare room, which is also presently holding the contents of our bottom cupboards.

I didn't realize our reno-guy was going to paint the inside of our cupboards (but oh, so grateful that he is), so I wasn't mentally prepared for the purging of said cupboards. Everything is covered with a layer of reno-dust and there is stuff I NEVER use in those cupboards. So it will be quite a little project to undertake as I reload the freshly painted brand new/used cupboards.

Then there is life, itself. I have taken on living my life in every sense of the word. I have added "people" back into the mix at the same time as all of the above.

Thus, when this appeared on my Facebook feed this morning I knew this message was meant for me:

Photo credit goes to Souls in Transition

https://www.facebook.com/souls.in.transition/?tn-str=k*F

This is quite a ride, Universe. I appreciate you feel I am up to the task. Though sometimes? I think the Universe is just sitting back and laughing at me...

Timing is Everything

It has been a busy little space here within this head of mine lately. Considering the seriousness of the matters that have been wafting through my thoughts, added to the fact that we are knee deep in winter, I am very pleased at how I'm rolling with "life".

This renovation project couldn't have happened at a more inconvenient time but it has been mind altering. Instead of stewing about things which are out of my control, I've been making black and white decisions. Literally. Choosing paint colors. Choosing flooring. Deciding on a painter. Scheduling a tentative plan of attack.

This reno project has taken up valuable real estate within my brain and I couldn't be more grateful.

I had "a day" at work yesterday. Normally a day such as this would be my undoing. Instead, an update from my son after visiting his dad took priority, as we drove home from our long day away from home. Upon our arrival back home, my son mentioned how much he was enjoying coming home each day and seeing the progress on our kitchen reno.

Yes, there have been some serious thoughts bouncing around our lives lately. But we have had some most excellent distractions.

As wrong as it felt to go full speed ahead with this renovation despite all that was happening in the world outside of our doors, I am SO grateful to have chosen this particular path at this exact time.

I think of the timing. I think of Mom. I know she would be grateful we are going full speed ahead. Though ... I can almost hear her voice saying, "I thought you would start with getting a shower downstairs though ..."

Timing is everything, Mom. In time ... all will happen exactly as it should.

A Personal Renovation

I have more energy than I have had in a very long time. Apparently (for me, at least), ambition begets more ambition.

I know we are only in the first stages of this "reno" thing and only the kitchen is affected thus far. But my reno-guy cleans up after his work day and the kitchen has been left in very usable condition each and every evening thus far.

As I talk to the various people working with me on this renovation of epic proportions, I'm feeling somewhat in control of the fate of our home.

It's going to get worse before it gets better. But it IS getting better.

Life is like that. It isn't all an uphill climb. It is a state of disrepair before much needed updates and repairs can be done. 

Whether it is a broken relationship, a job situation, health and any number of life changing events. Sometimes we just need to strip things down to the bones, see what lies beneath the surface and go forward from there.

So far, there have not been any nasty surprises. We seem to be working on a good, solid base. Thank goodness.

As disruptive as this appears on the outside, I still feel calm. I am comforted by the ability to say "yes" easily. I am gaining confidence as each piece to the puzzle fits together without a struggle. I am gaining momentum as I visualize where we are now, where things are going and the end result of this time of great upheaval.

I am feeling renewed, regenerated and re-energized. I feel like I am undergoing my very own personal renovation along with our home. 

I am guessing that I am feeling a little of what Mom felt each time she renovated her home. Mom's home was her oasis. I think I have a little bit of Mom's spirit within me. 

I'm coasting along with the current of life and I am enjoying the ride. 

Restoring Order

There was a time when I felt I had everything under control. I had a housekeeping routine, I discarded/donated and culled the excess within our home regularly. I cooked, I cleaned and ran a pretty smooth ship around here. Our home was a calm and relaxing world.

Then came the year "2008". It was a year of great change. It was the year after the breakup of who I thought was my "until death do us part" partner.

The years whirl by me after that point. From a manic state of over-drive, to the assembling family histories, to closing my daycare so I could pursue an education, to a few jobs which were my undoing. Which led to the reopening of my daycare.

My energy level never did recover from that time of great change.

I acted and reacted to life. There was much to do, much to be grateful for but that feeling of having everything within our home manageable and under control was lost.

Fast forward to 2019.

It all started with an easy "yes" to replacing the flooring on our entire main floor. Followed by another easy "yes" to start renovating our kitchen. Then hiring a painter ...

The need to shake up our little world has been just what I needed to find my DESIRE to recreate the order I have been missing within these four walls of ours.

I open drawers and want to empty, cull and organize them. As I emptied the top floor into our basement, it was methodical, well thought out, with the idea that "only that which brings me joy" will come back upstairs again.

Our three upstairs bedrooms which have lost their identity will find themselves again throughout this renovation project.

Only that which brings joy will come back upstairs. Only that which brings joy ...

Restoring order is restoring my joy. That is just how I'm wired. I get a small thrill by opening a drawer where everything has a place, is in its place and is hanging out with other items of a similar nature.

I have been lost but now I'm finding my way back home. It's been a long and winding road since I started losing my way. It feels good to be back!

A Day of Rest

I worked hard yesterday. It was a day where one thing led to the next, the next and the next. All. Day. Long.

I found two of the things I thought were gone forever. I KNEW I wouldn't throw these items away but I was afraid they may have ended up in a giveaway box during my time of great culling. It felt like Christmas!! I was so delighted to find these lost-to-me items.

I must admit I am slightly concerned about reshuffling the contents of our entire main floor. How will I ever find anything again unless I am strategic and methodical? Thus, I put all office supplies into one multi-drawer storage container. Like things were all amassed together so they are all in one spot.

I hope I have en-grained these new spots in my head. Now that all like things are together, if I've lost one, I've lost them all.

I have a give away pile, a pile to go to the dump and one pile to donate. These piles are not as big as they should be. I didn't get into a sorting and culling mindset. I didn't have the mental energy to touch each item and decide whether said item brought me joy or not. I'll do that as these belongings make their way back upstairs again.

The state our home is in at the moment reminds me of when we cleaned out Mom's home. After our first weekend, everything looked the same. But the cupboards, closets, drawers and all storage areas were cleaned out. It still felt like Mom's home. This still feels like our home.

Life hasn't changed. Yet.

It's coming ... the unbecoming is a time and energy consuming task. The becoming will be the fun part. Too bad the "becoming" is so costly. I suppose this is good. It means there will be an end date. End dates are a good thing.

Waking Up to a Normal Life

I woke up in anticipation of the day and weekend ahead of me. All is well in the world and I'm simply loving the feeling of waking up to a regular day in my life.

My sense of balance was tipped a little this past week. In its aftermath, I feel a renewed sense of spirit. An appreciation for the little things and the energy to make some much anticipated changes around here.

I'm certain this "main floor renovation" will test this renewal of spirit but I am looking into and beyond the upheaval. The end result will be worth it all.

I just hope I have the sense to stop when the dollar signs dictate. Once the ball starts rolling it gains momentum and there is no stopping it until you hit the next uphill climb.

Here's to hoping for a well timed "hill". I plan to stop on that hill, create a cozy little area at a place where I can simply sit back, take in the view and take care of what I have before deciding to take on any more.

Waking up to life as I know it feels a little better every day.

I Love My Life!

As I was making my bed around our cats this morning, I heard myself say aloud, "I love my life!"

What an incredible way to feel as the day began. I was simply appreciating our cats' personalities as they lazed on my bed as I straightened the covers around them. I think they appreciate our quiet little life here as well.

I have seen, felt and lived this week just a little differently. Being on the outside, looking in, one interprets life in a renewed light.

I have appreciated the decisions that have been easy to make. As we take one tentative step into our main floor renovation, it is the simplest of things that are pleasing me the most.

My "kitchen guy" is revamping our sturdy, older cupboards. I should be able to renovate the entire kitchen for a cost far less than replacing them.

He is going to replace the latches that don't work so we won't need to have childproof door locks to keep the cats out of our cupboards!

He is going to put a bottom shelf in the cupboard above the fridge! A previous owner cut out the shelf in order to make room for a fridge. Our cats have discovered this new and improved way of getting into the top shelves and Jet (our Bored Kitty) takes great pleasure in resting in the aforementioned shelf, so when you open the cupboard after he has spent some time there, the contents of the shelf fall out.

He is replacing the plug ins and light switches!

He is replacing our dim kitchen lights to ones so bright we will need a dimmer switch!

He does all the shopping and brings his "top two" to our home and asks me to choose a favorite!

He has an eye for what will look best and I trust his decisions implicitly.

He has spent ONE day in our kitchen. We came home last night and I was elated. Not one second thought. It was time. It was long overdue.

Oh, how I wish I could share this with Mom. She would share my joy. I just know she would!!

I have a good life here in my little corner of the world. I can feel myself changing along with the tides of this renovation project. The time is right. The time is now.

I love my life!

The Domino Effect

The littlest of things have been generating a great deal of gratitude within my week thus far.

A few days ago, for some unknown mysterious reason, I decided to put my sweater in the car as I walked across the street, heading into to Part II of my work day. The automatic door lock didn't work. Neither did the spare key fob. In that moment, I knew. I had left the car lights on and the battery was as dead as a door nail.

Luckily, this didn't happen at the end of my day. Thus, this minor inconvenience was tucked neatly into my day and not tacked on at the end. Secondly, it was a mild and warm-for-January kind of day. The tow trucks were not busy and I didn't have to wait long.

I felt SO fortunate, as I paid my $42.00 boosting surcharge.

Timing is everything.

As I crawled out of bed this morning, I simply felt gratitude. Waking up in your own bed, in your own home, facing a day that is mundane and predictable is a gift.

I scratched our cats' heads and simply loved them. I went through the morning rituals I have created and simply felt a renewed appreciation.

Waking up to a regular, unremarkably ordinary day is something you don't appreciate until you no longer have it. Today, I appreciated it even more.

I'm making decisions about taking on a house renovation when in reality, this is the last thing in the world I should be doing.

Yet, I feel Mom's urging. She would be happy I'm finally doing this. I know I will not regret it. The decisions I have made thus far have been easy. I'm not fighting the current. I'm being pushed along.

My fear of spending, renovating, changing and taking on this renovation of massive proportions is being superseded by the comfort of knowing if a decision is easy to make, it is right. This would have Mom's nod of approval.

Moving on, despite "everything" is a healthy distraction. Despite it all, I'm moving on. I'm moving through.

My heart is aching for those who are not waking up to a remarkably unremarkable day, in their own bed, in their own home, without a cat's head to scratch to keep them grounded.

It feels as though a domino has been toppled and everything is happening as it is meant to be. Despite what is going on within the fringes of my life, I'm moving on and through...

I have no idea what this day will bring. I can only hope for the best. If I was a person who prayed, I would say a prayer right about now. What I feel, think and live feels as strong as any prayer.

Praying for just another ordinary day for those around me. Is that too much to ask?

No Regrets

Do the next right thing.
Show up.
Listen.
Care.
Have no regrets.

These are the subconscious rules that guided me once before. These guidelines did not steer me wrong.

I'm walking this path again. This time I am not alone.

I have to guide my son down this path. Be by his side. Do the next right thing. Show him the way. I don't know much, but I do know one must make choices so one has as few regrets as possible.

Life teaches us what we must know to take the next step. I didn't want to know this much...

January Blues

January is fast becoming my least favorite month of the year.

I thought I had circumvented the nastiness that January has to dole out by deciding "now" was a good time to take on a house renovation. I am knee deep in decisions at this very moment. I have talked to four people who are getting back to me with estimates. I simply want to make a decision and be done thinking. 

Moving the contents of our main floor into our basement sounds like a piece of cake compared to all of this decision making. 

My annual check up is behind me for another year. Apparently I've only gained half a pound since last year at this very same time. They told me I lost 10 cm around my waist. They are wrong. My waist measurement is holding steady. I feel at least ten pounds heavier. I believe there has been a redistribution of weight happening. My body is undergoing its own renovations. I would like to talk to the contractor. I don't like how this new look feels on me.

My head was bouncing all over the map thinking all these inconsequential thoughts. Meanwhile, out there are people dealing with life altering news. This seems to be the time of year when that happens. At least to some of the people who touch my world.

I want to move our belongings downstairs, hire someone to make all the decisions, do the work and call me when its over.

Deciding on flooring, paint colors and "the best painter for the job" is a walk in the park compared to the decisions others are facing ...

A Night in the Life ...

Eating to stay awake is something I do well and I do it a lot. Staying awake so I can eat, however? Totally different story.

I have my annual check up today and I don't like to make two trips, so I asked what fasting may be necessary so I would be able to get any blood work done immediately. Their answer sounded so simple. "No food or liquids ten to twelve hours before the test." Easy. Right? Except they added the dreaded words "But do not go longer than twelve hours without food because that could affect the test results."

Simple. I had to eat at 10:00 last night.

Then the night came. It was 7:00 and I was tired. So tired. Normally, I would snuggle up on the couch with my chips and eat until I fell asleep. Amazingly enough, I can't eat very long because I fill up faster than I used to. Thus, my conundrum.

I couldn't eat before 10:00 because I needed to be hungry enough to eat something. AND I had to stay awake until 10:00. I felt like I was a competitor on a survival show. Stay awake. Don't eat. Then eat at 10:00 and you win your prize. You get to go to bed!

It was one of the longest, hardest nights. I made it to 9:55 and started pouring the milk on my cereal. Surely to goodness if I finished eating by 10:03, that would be close enough. Right? I hope so.

A late night with the added complication of no coffee this morning has me longing for bedtime tonight. I may just come home from this appointment and sleep for a while.

Word Quota Exceeded

I have been an active participant in interesting, life affirming, fun and totally enjoyable conversations for a minimum of 12 solid hours, over the course of the past 60 hours. There are no words left in me.

Freedom

There is great comfort in routine for me. I thrive on sameness, predictability and repetition. Is it really any wonder why I label my life as "rinse and repeat daily"?

I have been up for two hours.

I have made my bed and washed/dried/put away a load of clothes. I have lingered over my morning smoothie and coffee while spending the better part of an hour devoted to my Sudoku and word puzzle addiction; followed by over an hour on Facebook.

Facebook was speaking to me, so I scribbled down the words which spoke the words I would like to remember and repeat aloud as needed.

I have reached out (in an electronic kind of way) to a few people and I'm expecting a callback from a friend I haven't talked to in a while.

I brought up a box of miscellaneous items which have stockpiled in my bedroom and I WILL sort through these items at some point today.

I have only a few "hard things" on my agenda today. Followed by an evening out with a friend.

Life is good. It is so good. When I knocked over my glass full of frozen ingredients for my smoothie, before adding the liquid to the mix, I was simply grateful. Everything landed on the counter top so nothing was wasted. I scooped up my frozen berries and simply said "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" to the ceiling above.

I have so much. I have the gift of a predictable life with everything that comforts me all within reach. I am comforted by this fact. Our home is my oasis here on earth. For others, this is not the case. How you feel about what you already have is a choice.

"Happiness isn't about getting what you want all of the time. It's about loving what you have and being grateful for it." (Author unknown)

Of all that passed through my consciousness this morning, this is what spoke the most loudly to me:

I choose freedom.

Tapped Out

I'm starting to fade. We are eighteen days into January and my new and improved plan to lead an intentional life. I'm tuckering out.

Is it the weather? It is -32º outside. It's COLD out there. It's nice and cozy inside. I want to stay home.

Is it my working hours? Being out of the house for ten+ hours is hard. So hard. I love being at home. Renovated or not. Nestled up inside this warm, cozy cocoon is exactly where I want to be. The long days are taking a toll.

Is it time? I've been revved up and trying to do this "living an intentional life" thing right for eighteen days, minus two Sundays where my ambition and drive withered up and disappeared, thus returning me to my cocoon state for one much needed day of rest after six hard days of life. I'm simply in need of an extra "Sunday" this week.

Is it the upcoming renovation project? As daunting as I know it will be, I think the idea of renovating is fuelling me. This is good.

Is it the outpouring of cash? The dollar signs are flashing through my mind as I try to forecast my financial future. I know it will be okay. But it is hard.

Is it the up and coming commitments I have on the horizon? I don't think so. I'm actually very much looking forward to my upcoming weekend plans. I do love the fact that my ability to look forward to and anticipate extra curricular activities has returned. To a point.

I simply don't have the energy, motivation or desire for "more". I am not looking for anything beyond what already exists here within my cozy little world. I'm not looking for anything beyond what I already have. I am content. So content.

I thrive on quiet and alone time. Solitude fortifies and restores me. That ... and light. It is 8:30 a.m., I just cracked the blinds open a little and the sky is starting to show signs of lightening.

The days are a little longer. The weather is a little colder. It is January. I am simply craving a "snow day".

I don't know why I stopped to write here today other than the fact I'm trying to restore the habit of writing into my days. That, and taking care of my feet. Yes, I tend to my cuticles and buff my calloused feet every time I bath. Adding ONE good habit at a time.

I have added writing and foot-care into my daily regimen. That is enough.

The end.

The Renovation Dance

The old adage of taking life "one step at a time" is hard to follow when tackling the idea of a home renovation.

It is a little bit like the hip bone's connected to "the thigh bone and the thigh bone's connected to the hip bone" song.

My song sounds a little like this:

The floor board's connected to the wall boards; the baseboard's connected to those wall boards; casing's connected to those wall boards; and then there's the ceiling...

Verse two is a little like this:

The entrance's connected to the kitchen; the kitchen's connected to the living room; the living room's connected to the hallway; the bedroom's could be left for another day; but while we're doing the renovating dance, it's best to do it all the way.

Then I started thinking of the painting and the kitchen has a verse unto itself:

The floors are connected to the cupboards; the cupboards are connected to the counter tops; the counters are connected to (my desire for) a back splash; and I'm doing it all again.

Where does one start and stop in a project such as this? I am quite certain I will berate myself for not just doing ONE room at a time. But, you know how the song goes. One room is connected to the other and so on and so forth. 

We're doing the Renovation Dance!

The Planets Have Aligned

I have set the wheels in motion. I am starting a new project. I'm calling it Home and Life Renovation - Phase I

I have ordered flooring for the entire main floor of our home. My Wise Son advised me that while the rooms were already empty, this would be a perfect time to paint. And change the baseboards. And door mouldings. And ... I cannot even begin to fathom where this story will end.

What I DO see, is a vision of turning what was once a daycare home into a warm and inviting family home again. It is still a home with cats so furnishings will remain until said felines no longer shed hair on this earth.

I can VISUALIZE a space where I can sit, be still and feel the contentment that comes from having our home reflect the life I am presently living.

I foresee a time where I start inviting life back into our home. My fortress of solitude will become a space I WANT to share.

I can FEEL the energy starting to resurface. I have a plan. I will move forward from here. I must move forward from this point. I am committed to this plan.

I know this will feel overwhelming. I know I will be frustrated with time and energy limitations. I know this is the biggest renovation project I have undertaken to date.

I also know ... I am not alone. My son has offered his assistance. He not only has a full time job and is taking on two on-line courses but he lives an hour away and has his own home, relationship and herd of cats to tend.

I am beyond fortunate to not only have his offer of assistance but his gentle nudge, opinion and nod of approval as needed. I will not abuse this gift.

The planets are literally aligning and saying "This is a magical chapter so use this cosmic flow ..."

Photo/quote credit to: Alex Myles

"Dream big & know - the Universe is supporting you." Who am I to argue with that logic?

If I build it ... (I'm living in my Field of Dreams again)

The Perfect Fit

The moment I walked into the kitchen this morning, I was greeted by the NEW sound of our new-to-us fridge. It doesn't "tick". It doesn't ooze "green stuff". Packing tape is not holding pieces together. It isn't scratched up (though it does have a small dent on the door). We have upgraded from "almond" to a new and improved "white" fridge. And it fits into the spot like Cinderella's shoe.

One of my catch phrases is "I hate change!!", so you can only imagine how excited I am to feel good about this change for the better within our home.

I am dreaming of the changes I hope to see happen within our home. Last year, I was lost and feeling a little restless. I loved the feeling of flying high over the landscape and was slightly intoxicated by the feeling of being in between destinations.

Last year, I was quite literally in between "then" and "now".

I wasn't ready to leap into my new world. It was there, ready, waiting and needing me. I did what I had to do to push myself through that year.

This year I feel ready.

I am ready to forge into the world that has been waiting for me all along. I have felt paralyzed. Not wanting to spend "Mom's money". No ambition to wade through all of Mom's papers, memories and history I thought was so important to save. Not ready to create a permanent home for Mom's books.

I didn't feel ready for anything beyond getting through the day. When that passed, I felt ready to "escape". Flying off into the sunset felt wonderful. The people, the destinations, the journey were exactly what I wanted and needed.

But this year? I'm loving the sound of the hum of our new fridge. I am eager to take the next step forward into recreating a renewed feeling of "home" within these walls which became synonymous with definition of "daycare". It is time to turn this house back into a home instead of a place of business.

It all started with a fridge which is the perfect fit. Today? A fridge. Tomorrow?? The world!!! (or at least maybe a new-to-me white stove to co-ordinate with our white fridge)

*Note how it fits snugly between the cupboard which had been previously cut out by a previous owner. The fridge fits but the decor must change (much too much "beige"). ONE thing at a time. Patience, young grasshopper. Patience!

One Step at a Time

It started with a ticking fridge. The ticking made me think of a bomb counting down. How long would it tick until the fridge quit altogether?

I took a risk and believed it would be good for one more week. I booked a service call for this afternoon (one week after the initial phone call). I didn't want the service person to think I was a slob so I did "one hard thing" before 8 am. I pulled out the fridge and cleaned behind and under it.

Our fridge has been leaking something green for quite some time now. The fridge just kept on working, so I ignored the green dye which was infiltrating the floor and baseboard behind the fridge. But this morning, all I could think of was the new flooring which I have been dreaming about.

I don't want a new floor to be stained so I dropped into our friendly, neighborhood used appliance store and bought a new-to-me fridge to replace our present day green-oozing-ticking fridge time bomb. It should be delivered any time now ...

Add the flooring guy into the mix. He was scheduled to drop by to measure the house this afternoon. I had all but cancelled the idea until this morning. This morning, I knew without a doubt that I want to get new flooring in the kitchen. NO doubt about it. This flooring has seen better days and this IS a room I could define a definite "start" and "stop" point.

So ... my flooring guy is en route as well.

ONE step at a time. FIRST, replace the fridge. SECOND, decide on the flooring.

One room? Or the entire main floor? Who knows where this saga will end.

Building Rome

To renovate or not to renovate ... that is the question.

I was feeling stirred on by Marie Kondo's pep talks on the joy of tidying up. So much so, that I took a very brave step and checked into flooring yesterday.

If it wasn't for the job of emptying out the top floor of our home while the job was done and the knowledge that it would only make good sense to paint everything while the rooms were empty, I think I'd be hopping on this band wagon and simply getting the job done.

It makes a lot of sense to do the job in one fell swoop but the mere idea of it overwhelms me.

So today? I did nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Rome wasn't built in a day. Rome wasn't a renovation project where half the job is emptying "what was" to make room for "what will be". Nor did Rome's construction project have to be fit in after regular working hours.

Two steps back, then one step into a new work week. Sigh ...😩

A Very Good Day

You know a day is going to be a good one when it starts with the words "Do you want to go to brunch this morning?"

9:54 a.m., I received that message. It is now 9:02 p.m. One good turn led to the next, the next and the next and the next thing you know? The day was done.

I had a very good visit; came home and made turkey soup and visited some more. I dreamed a few dreams and some very good seeds have been planted.

I have been nourished from the inside, out today. It was a very good day.

And that's all I have to say about that!

What is Next?

As I look back at "life", I can see how one life event prepared me for what happened next. I have learned the lessons I have needed to know in order to take the next forward step. Life has been very kind that way. It has taught me everything I have needed to know.

Our Senior Cat's illness and eventual death taught me how to advocate, show up and just enjoy the moments we had, while we had them. We didn't know what was around the next corner but we learned to savor the good stuff.

I was as mentally prepared for his death as one could possibly be. My head knew. But my heart hadn't caught up. The days preceding and following the day Andre took his last breath were heart breaking.

I learned that it was an honor to be with him when he died. He was not alone. It was sad but the consolation was knowing HE knew he was not alone.

I learned everything I needed to know to walk a very parallel path with Mom. She was not alone when she took her last breath. Who was with her wasn't as important as knowing SOMEONE was with her. I truly believe she knew she was not alone.

What was life preparing me for?

The irony does not escape me that both of the men I have had long and lasting relationships with, are struggling with their own health issues.

My (ex)husband has his parents and family to walk this walk with him. Though his future is bleak, he is not alone. For this, I am grateful.

It is my youngest son's father who is a concern. He is very much alone. He lives alone. Though two of his children live close by, he leads a rather isolated life. He is not well and seems to be getting progressively worse.

He has asked for my help.

I loved this man. I have respected this man. He is the father of my child. He is a good man. And he is alone.

I know the rule that has guided me through my life since Dad was hospitalized will prevail. A counsellor suggested I guide my actions by asking myself the question: "What can you live with after he is gone?"

What is next? I don't know. One step in front of another. What can I live with? The next right thing. Show up. That is all I know ...

Finding a Good Fit

Have you ever struggled and struggled to make something work? Despite the fact that you know you want something so much, the fit just isn't comfortable. But you try, try and try some more?

A job. A relationship. A piece of clothing that looked so good in the store. A house. A car.

There are so very many things we try to make work in our lives. Yet ... it just isn't right.

Meet "Jet". Our Bored Little Kitty.

Jet is a master of wanting what he can't have. 

He enjoys tormenting "Ray" (his senior partner in cathood). I do believe this is a ploy to get our attention. 

He claws, picks and scratches at the back door because he wants it open when HE wants it open. 

Jet is a fan of "new". He is a guy who appears to thrive on change. New toys, a new paper bag, a box or anything without a familiar scent. 

This morning, he jumped onto our paper shredder and somehow managed to turn it on. Thankfully he was not alone. The shredder would have run all day and who knows what trouble Jet's curiosity could have caused. He did turn on the "reverse" function so one can hope all would have been fine. I took the lesson out of Jet's misdeed and unplugged the shredder. It never should have been left plugged in to start with. 

Kids and cats. You never know what danger lurks until you share a roof with those who are in a constant state of discovering the world.

This has become Jet's newest morning resting spot:

He is presently resting atop the printer. He jumps up there, mangles any papers which may have preceded his presence. He turns in circles, turns the printer "on", on a regular basis (he hasn't sent a fax in a while, though he has tried in the past) and struggles to find a comfortable place to rest. 

As it is with those clothes, relationships, jobs, etc, etc that are just not a good fit no matter how hard we try, I must ask Jet this question:

"If you have to struggle so hard to make this work for you ... do you really think this is where you are meant to be right now?"

May you find comfort within your day today.

Jet may add a P.S.: 

"If you can make an uncomfortable situation comfortable, perhaps it IS worth the effort."

Breaking All the Rules

I set out (what I thought were) a few easy guidelines to follow in order to change my life. It sounded easy. "Rest when you are tired" and "Eat when you are hungry". I tacked on "Do one hard thing every day" because I was feeling brave.

Well!

Rest when you are tired. I was tired when I was at work. My eyes wanted to slam shut and stay there for a short spell. It was SO hard to stay awake, so we walked instead. That worked (and walking is better than eating).

After overruling my tiredness, I came home and didn't feel "tired". I felt overwhelmed by the day. I was so overwhelmed that I forgot to pick up my son from University. I didn't realize the error of my ways until I pulled into the driveway and noticed the living room curtains were exactly how I left them.

Oh no!! I had completely forgotten about my son. Thankfully he is 20 years old, had a cell phone and when I called to let him know him I was on my way, he just laughed. Whew.

Back to my story...

As I was saying, by the time I returned home (the second time) I wasn't tired. I was just tired of the day. So I reached for food. I wasn't hungry. I was empty. I filled the void with food. As I did this, I thought "There goes 'Rule #1' "; followed by the thought "Who cares!" and "Why didn't I pick up chips on the way home??"

To be very honest, my obsession with the knowledge that there were NO chips in the house is very likely the reason I forgot to pick up my son. My prevailing thought after work was "Should I pick up some chips??" I was so proud of myself for making the right choice and coming straight home, the fact that my son waiting for me didn't even cross my mind.

Overruling exhaustion when it hits is a bad habit I noticed my young daycare crowd had when it came to trying to avoid sleeping at nap time. Some of these little people were tired and cranky AND fought sleep. When they slept, they were so much more content, happy and easy to be around.

When I fight the waves of exhaustion, I "manage" but my tolerance to let the small stuff slide slips. I push myself through the day. I stay awake when my body is craving sleep. I come home and think I deserve a reward for getting through the day.

Thus, I break rule #1 and rule #2 that I made for myself. I eat to stay awake.

Admitting I have a problem isn't solving the issue at hand. I need to do the hard work myself. Last night I went to bed when I was tired (after the bowl of popcorn was gone). I woke up feeling rested. The weight of the world isn't sitting on my shoulders (though I think it did take up residence in my neck because it was a bit of a mess this morning).

During the week, doing "one hard thing each day" = "leaving the house". On some level I am succeeding. I think back to one year ago today and I know I have come a long way.

A year ago, my thoughts were completely consumed with Mom. I was low. I felt lost. I felt like I was dragging around the weight of the world with each and every step. Leaving the house felt physical painful. It was soooo hard.

I've come a long way. But I have a long way to go.

One Hard Thing Leads to Another

Yesterday had the power to be like every other day which has proceeded it. I could have so very easily have frittered away another afternoon. In fact, as I sit here fighting the waves of exhaustion this morning I am wondering why I felt the need to add "hard things" into my life when things were going so well before. But ...

And there IS a "but" ...

I did all the things a procrastinator does to avoid the job at hand. I did all that. And I still had three uncommitted hours at my disposal. So I started.

I didn't get knee deep in the culling process of ridding myself of the excess. I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to the project of decluttering, disposing and organizing any time this week. So I simply began putting "like things together" so I can deal with them at a later date.

I started collecting all of our linens and bedding together in one closet. I have amassed the collection of income tax papers together in another. I put all my letters to Mom in ONE spot. The onerous task of collecting every book in the house and putting it in one spot was too much to tackle. What I have attempted to do instead, is to begin to create a temporary home for the books so a proper bookcase can be built to store that which remains after all is said and done.

I have emptied one large container in order to fill it up with "everything office related" at a later date. I emptied a dresser. I have collected empty boxes and containers to help sort and organize as I move forward through this process.

I am starting to see the end goal. The REASON I became overwhelmed with the task of going through everything of Mom's that found its way into our home is because I want to create a quiet oasis to read, reflect, sit and wonder within our home. But how do you begin, when that oasis is full to overflowing with "stuff". Important stuff. Mom's stuff ...

As I sorted, organized and physically touched everything that came from Mom's home yesterday, I felt peaceful. The state of feeling overwhelmed was superseded by the sparks of joy as I felt the history of each belonging. I scanned over some of the cards I wrote. I was grateful I said what I said, when I said it. They are worth saving ...

I am emptying "Mom's room" so I can move forward. I have known I wanted a Murphy Bed in that room for years on end. I love having the ability to extend invitations which say "I have three spare bedrooms. Come. Stay. Feel at home here." Yet, I truly want to create a cozy little reading spot within our home. No TV. No cell phones or electronics. Just books. Good light. Perhaps a place to write.

If I build it ...

The Restorative Power of Rest

For every high, there is a low. For every burst of energy, there is a need to recoup, refresh, rest and restart. I am presently "restarting".

When I sat still yesterday, a wave of exhaustion overtook me. I overpowered that sensation and forced myself up off the couch and I headed to the kitchen to "cook" (does frying up hamburger and adding a package of seasoning = cooking?).

The reward of this act of motion in the kitchen was "taco salad". I took my plate and sat myself back down where I had previously wanted to do nothing more than sleep. Instead of sleeping, I ate.

Big mistake.

My son was actually quite pleased to find the aroma and offering of food in the middle of the afternoon. Normally, I would think eating at 3 p.m. would give me permission to skip cooking supper. Except I had already peeled potatoes so I offered to cook a late supper (second mistake?).

My son has just returned from an "all expenses paid" workshop where three meals a day were provided as part of the package. As a result of this, he has returned home with a healthy appetite.  Christmas Day, he turned down the last piece of bacon at breakfast because he wanted to be sure he would be hungry for Christmas dinner. One piece of bacon? Who in the world doesn't have room for one piece of bacon? I believe even Mom (the smallest eater I have ever known) would have leapt at the offer.

Not only did I provide a mid afternoon meal, I went through the motions of cooking a late supper meal as well.

All this time in the kitchen was a great excuse to NOT cross any other item off my mental to-do-list. Plus I was tired. Physically and mentally. I was tired of thinking, planning and doing. I just wanted to rest. Except I felt guilty for resting, so I ATE to stay awake (and I wonder why my new pj bottoms don't fit so well?!).

Fast forward to this morning.

I woke up to a brand new work week. My heart sunk to the bottom of my mattress and made it so hard to put my feet on the floor. I want another Sunday. Sigh...

Then, I flipped open my "Living Juicy" ("daily morsels for your creative soul") book. Week #1 for the new year focused on procrastination. I read the first week's worth of morsels. Closed the book. Then worked at pushing myself out of procrastination mode. This exhausted me. So why should I be surprised that the second week's focus is "napping"?

I wish I would have picked up this book yesterday. I would have fully honored my exhaustion, closed my eyes and rested. Instead I have an achy stomach hangover from eating too much. My son needed the nourishment. Me? Not so much. Nourishment? Maybe. It was all the snacking I squeezed in between the meals that hurt me.

I am not a big fan of the word "napping" but I do believe in its restorative qualities. I am not certain where I could work this time of restoration into my current day work week but as I type the words, I am hearing my answer.

I eat to stay awake. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to add those two facts together and figure out I should honor that exhaustion and rest instead of eat. I get home by 7:30 at night. If I didn't snack, I would be in bed by 8:00. What if I didn't eat, but allowed myself time to close my eyes, relax, restore and plan to get up in an hour. Then, accomplish "one hard thing" before I went to bed at night? What if????

My procrastination excuses are primarily based on a lack of time and energy. What if I created that time by feeding my body "sleep" when it was tired instead of food? What if??

My excuse is that by the time I get home at the end of a long day, my mental fatigue is high. My body is well rested and I am more tired of sitting idle than physically tired. Instead of using my mental exhaustion as an excuse to eat and Netflix my night away, I should find a way to "honor" that without medicating myself with food and sleep.

I have sleepwalked (what IS the past tense of sleep walk?!?) through most of the entire past year by using food, sleep, Netflix and surfing the Internet to dull my thoughts and put my head in a neutral zone so I could keep placing one foot in front of the other.

Food and sleep are my reward for "doing hard things" and making it through a day. I must admit I am as addicted to the reward as I am to the excuse for creating the reward to begin with.

Admitting I have a problem is the first step. I am addicted to my "numbing" activities. I am exhausted.

Rule #1 - rest when you are tired
Rule #2 - eat when you are hungry
Rule #3 - admit I am a "recovering procrastinator"
Rule #4 - do ONE hard thing each day
Rule #5 - gradually increase the number of "hard things"

Yesterday? I cooked. Today? I shall work on one project for one hour AND I will do one more hard thing. Does leaving the house count?

I need to reinstate the goal to do "Six Impossible Things Before Lunch". Changing "lunch" to 8 a.m is my obstacle. Perhaps I need to revise that to "One Impossible Thing (before I go to work)" and "A Second Impossible Thing" (after I come home).

Baby steps. One step at a time. I have SO many vices to overcome and I truly believe the weight of the excess within our home is at the bottom of a lot of what I am battling. Thus, I am starting there.

Yesterday's obstacle? The second category of Marie Kondra's steps to tidying up is: Books. I sat still with my perfectionist mindset yesterday trying to orchestrate a method where I CAN put all of the books together in one room of our home. My obstacle? I want to build these books a home for them to live, which is THE complication which has stopped me in my tracks this entire past year.

I know I should renumber the sequence Marie Kondra suggests. But I also know the power of taking that impossible "first step". I know the energy which will be released the moment I start taking action.

I need a nap ...

Honoring the Day - a lesson on gratitude

These are the words that spoke to me today:

"Take time to do what makes your soul happy"

ProjectHappiness.org

I woke up this morning feeling completely tapped out and exhausted. I have been trying to follow my joy, keep whatever "sparks joy" in my life and as a result I have been feeling joyful most of the first five days of the new year. 

Can I admit that joy exhausts me? At least the process of creating it within my world?

I decided to honor my exhaustion. Instead of cloaking myself in guilt and listening to that nagging voice within my subconscious mind rattle off all the things I SHOULD be doing, I stopped in my tracks. I would not waste energy on guilt. I prefer to utilize the word "honor".

I'm tired.

Who wouldn't be? Okay, don't answer that. A lot of people wouldn't be. Even I wouldn't have been ten years ago. 

Life can feel exhausting. I knew it would be tough jumping back onto the band wagon and getting back to work after my holiday. Even within my already condensed first week back to work, I condensed it even further. This action sparked "guilt". Not a good thing. I will do better. 

What has happened is behind us. It can't be undone. It can be improved upon. One can learn from the past. I can find every excuse in the book to explain why I feel the way I feel. But the past is a done deal. I will honor that too. And move forward.

I have given myself one more hour of "play" time before I sit still and tackle one project I have on the go. I will cook a meal. If all goes well, I will also prepare a little extra food to carry us through the week. Once on a roll, I would like to take another step in the Marie Kondo process of finding joy through tidying up.

This process fits with who I am. I feel riddled with guilt and I'm overwhelmed at the mountain of "stuff" that has amassed within our home. I am stuck in a state of limbo because much of what has accumulated once belonged to Mom.

Marie Kondo says to hold each item individually and keep only that which sparks joy. Gratitude is key. She suggests thanking each item as you let go. I found myself inhaling the life each piece of clothing brought into my world. It was life affirming. There is little that I own that doesn't have a story, a sentimental pull or a useful purpose. It felt entirely natural to thank each item as I let it go. "Thank you!" are two words I utter aloud to myself on a regular basis. I didn't need Marie Kondo to guide me to do this.

I let go of one full hamper of clothes yesterday. It was good. Today? I must take a step back and inhale before I take another step forward.

Yesterday was a perfect day of everything that mattered.

I accomplished one hard thing. I carved out time to do what fuels me. I had a one-on-one visit with each one of my boys. I fed my family. I honored what was important to me. Then I slept (and slept some more).

I no longer feel exhausted. The act of sitting still and honoring the day behind me and allowing myself to take time to do what makes my soul happy is giving me the fuel I need to do one (or more?) more hard thing(s) today. Then I will rest.

The Present

"There aren't enough hours in the day ..." It has been a very, very long time since I started a thought with those words. It feels rather amazing to start a day feeling this way.

I woke up this weekend knowing I was going to amass absolutely EVERY item of clothing, footwear, coat and sweater onto my bed this morning. No matter what. I wanted to do this. I WOULD do this. And I did:

That is it. The ONLY things that are missing are the shoes I wear every day & a spare pair of running shoes, a sweater and winter coat I keep in my car. That is absolutely every item of clothing I own.

Unfortunately this pile is still sitting there awaiting action. I actually can't wait to get back to it...

What started happening as I loaded my clothes onto my bed, was a desire to put "like things together" as I started emptying my clothes rack. I cannot get off task, but I did hang all of the bags I have amassed over time together on one hook in a closet. They will be there for the day I move onto "bags and other miscellaneous items".

The important thing is that I have begun. And I WILL complete this category of "keeping only that which sparks joy". Today. I will. I must (unless I want to find another place to sleep tonight).

Secondly, my boys are (or on their way) back home. My youngest returned from his first solo, one week vacation safe and sound last night. My oldest is due to fly in from his 5+ week holiday this afternoon. My middle son is coming into the city. We will gather here today and have a post holiday family gathering.

I am looking forward to this afternoon. I have told my family I will "provide food". I am very careful how I word these invitations because what I do, I do not classify as "cooking". 

We will eat, drink and be a family. It will be good.

I spent this morning projecting my thoughts into the future. Thoughts of retiring in some distant year got me digging through my financial world. Once I dive into the land of financial planning, forecasting and predicting I get lost. 

I dug my way out to join the present day. All I know for sure is: I must save. I will save for now, without looking too far off into the future. 

The future is not ours to see. Que sera, sera...

Today is where it is at. "The present". And today? It does actually feel like a gift. I love this feeling. This day doesn't feel like it will be long enough to hold all it has in store. 

Now I must go find what "sparks joy" for me within my clothing mountain. I'm eager to begin. It feels good to be back!

P.S. I've had a few rabbit spottings this week. And even when I haven't witnessed the rabbit's presence, they have left clues for me to find.

I love getting a light dusting of snow. It makes my heart feel good to find these tracks in our yard. These ones even went up onto our door step. There may be cat tracks as well but I'm pretty sure the ones to the right are from a rabbit. We are not alone ...

Sparking Joy

My head is all over the map this First Friday in this Fresh New Month.

I brought work home with me so I can put in the first few hours of work at home this morning which feels empowering. I have set a start time in my head which I must adhere to in order to make this work. If it works today, perhaps I can make it work another day in the future.

Blurring the line between "work" and "home" is defined by working within my designated work time and mental space. I CAN bring work home and accomplish it if it doesn't interfere with my designated "me time".

Combining work and home feels empowering. Feeling empowered sparks joy.

My Youngest Son is headed home today. He has been gone exactly one week (almost to the hour, as I write this). He has had a most excellent time at the workshop he has attended and I can't wait to hear all about it.

Unfortunately, I will still be at work when he arrives. He has invited friends over tonight so by the time I get home, he will be busy. I will hear the watered down version of his week tomorrow. But just recalling how I can reignite the joy I felt during various recent vacations, I still feel like I will hear the best version as he relives the highlight reel.

My Youngest has lived a very sheltered life. At the ripe old age of 20 years old, he hasn't experienced "life" outside the confines of our bubble wrapped little world here at home very much. I am so glad he got away and experienced how it feels to live a week away from the definition of who he is at home.

I remember how I felt when I stepped away from Mom's ideals and started thinking for myself. By myself. It is a giddy feeling. To think your own thoughts, live your own life, define who you are outside the confines of "home".

My last little bird is taking his first steps outside of our nest. His wings seem to be worthy of taking flight. He sounds happy. He sounds joyful. This sparks "joy" within me.

I sat on my glasses several days ago and bent them in a manner which made me feel rather woozy when I tried wearing them the next day. Long story short, I need new glasses. The kind person who very carefully straightened my present day glasses so I could wear them without feeling nauseous, was the same person who helped me choose my next pair of specs.

It was a small thing but it was huge. A conversation which began by admitting "I hate mirrors" ended up in a merging of kindred thoughts, sparked a conversation about my dancing days (and all the mirrors) and as I walked away from that encounter and into my day, her parting words were of the essence "I'm so glad I got to start off my day with this conversation" (those were not her words at all but it was definitely the essence of what she said).

I drove off to work with thoughts of this conversation and my dancing days wafting through my thoughts. As I parked the car, the theme song of the dance competition I participated in started playing through the radio waves. "Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night" brought me right back to that joy filled time of dance and where it took me.

As this weekend nears (and yes!, I DEFINITELY believe 3 Day Work Weeks are my retirement goal), I am feeling light, energized and eager to start the Marie Kondo process of the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.

I have been feeling heavy and overwhelmed for the last long while. It is time to lighten things up and keep only that which sparks joy.

What sparks joy for you? The moment you feel the joyful sensation, I highly recommend stopping in that moment and simply saying "thank you". The more you recognize those moments of joy and acknowledge them, the more you will realize that even within the darkest of days, there are still moments where joy resides (for me yesterday morning, it was when I dropped a container of lotion and it landed right-side-up so there was NO clean up required, with the added bonus of not wasting any lotion!).

It is the little stuff that matters. Little things added up, can take us down to places we do not want to be. Little things added up, can also bring us up to where we need to be. One moment at a time.

Focus on joy. Where do you find it? What do you need to "define" to allow yourself what you need to get through the day?

Small stuff. Look for joy in the mundane. Say thank you. It all adds up ...

Choosing Joy (After my Holiday is Over)

So little time, so many little things I would like to do, to add VALUE to the time I do have at my disposal before I walk out this door and into the world's expectations and demands.

I can't believe I just wrote that sentence after spending eleven of my twelve days off doing absolutely nothing of true value almost all of those days. In my defense, I will say I must have needed that true "down time" otherwise I wouldn't have been able to fritter those days away so effectively.

I am back in the saddle. Back to work. Albeit, yesterday was a condensed day (only 8 hours instead of 9.5) and it will be a short work week (truly, I believe "retirement" to me will equal three day work weeks!).

The sore neck I struggled to get rid of during my holidays has returned. I woke up in the middle of the night with my neck bothering me, after finally succeeding in ridding myself of sore-neck-syndrome about four to five days into my holiday (after getting yet another new pillow). AND after what I truly believe happened ... I relaxed.

My early morning thoughts this morning were:

"RECOGNIZING ... it is harder to set my own intention, when I am at the whim of other people's intentions for 9 to 10 hours of my day. This is an OBSTACLE ... not an excuse! It is still my responsibility to "own" my own time. Learn to VALUE (not simply waste) the time I have."

This is easier said than done. I am eight hours back into my work week after twelve complete and total days off. I felt my bosses' tension slip into every ounce of my being the moment she stepped into the room. I can't embody her stress. It hurts too much. I need to manage this within myself more effectively. As I said, easier said than done.

I thought these thoughts, wrote them down and found some "Marie Kondo" videos on YouTube. I can tell by the way I feel after watching these lessons and illustrations of "The life changing magic of tidying up", that this is where I need to begin.

Maybe once I get my own living space in order, I can take what I have learned and incorporate it into the office I work in. THIS is one of my hugest obstacles.

How does one declutter someone else's personal work space? I have quite literally taken a large piece of white paper and placed it over the clutter so I can define my own "white space".

How does a person tackle such a large undertaking when there are not enough hours in the day to tend to the daily/weekly/monthly/quarterly/yearly demands of the job, let alone finding time to create order?

Are these valid reasons? Or just more excuses?

These are the things I did not miss while I was away. While my need to simplify, declutter, organize and purge starts at home, I know it has some long reaching effects which may help with the return of my Stress Neck.

P.S. I just googled "stress neck" and there is no such thing. It is written that it is unlikely that stress CAUSES neck pain but it can bring about the symptoms of underlying neck pain. 

Well holidays, it was nice knowing you. Sad to say, that eight hours in, you are ALMOST all but forgotten.

No more excuses. It is time to pull up my socks and do what I can to make the most of this life I have been given. This job that intensifies the stress in my neck is necessary to my well being. It is up to ME to find a way to work through and beyond the discomfort.

After all, it is the Marie Kondo way. "It is about choosing joy".

Obstacles

I am three hours into my morning. Thoughts are stirring, inspiration is sparking and I feel parts of me reigniting. Yet I look up and into the day before me and all I see is "obstacles". Real or imagined, obstacles are standing in my way.

The "real" obstacles?

I don't know what this day has in store. I was told I may or may not work (at my "day job") today. I tried calling last night to find out for sure but there was no answer. The phone rang and rang. I waited a while and called again. Nothing.

I was not meant to "know".

I woke up wondering how to set my intent for today when I didn't know what the day would bring. I decided "one hour at a time" was going to be my motto. For today, for tomorrow, for ... good.

We never really know what the next hour will bring. A phone call, an unexpected happening, an unrealized obligation or nothing at all. The best we can do on any given day, is to look at the day ahead, make an outline of what may crop up and work around it. To sit and do nothing at all because one doesn't know when the phone is going to ring or when one's expected day could change on a dime is an excuse. An excuse I have used time and time again this last long while.

I will do what I can, when I can and plan around what I do know.

I do know I am expected somewhere at 4:00. I know I want to buy new glasses. These are my two "for sure" items on today's agenda. Whatever happens in between will happen. I will do my best.

I have been watching Marie Kondo's "Tidying Up" on Netflix the past two mornings. I listen to her suggestions, I've printed off her guidelines and she is really not saying anything I didn't already know. Her style of decluttering is based upon tackling ONE category at a time. Honor that which you have. Keep that which sparks joy. Be grateful for the excess and let it go.

I can do this.

One of my biggest obstacles within my hope to declutter, paint and redecorate our home is feeling overwhelmed. Where does a person begin? It is too much.

I CAN tackle "one category" at a time. That, I can do. I do want to take on this job when I can see that category through to completion.

"Clothes" do not scare me. I do not obsess about clothes. Perhaps I should. But I don't. And that is okay. Even though I have little, I know I have a lot to get rid of. The clothes that make me feel blah, bulky and blue. I can picture some of them as I sit here. Yet when I'm feeling lost and insecure, I don't even feel strong enough to let those go. I do believe if I pile every item of clothing I have onto a bed as Marie suggests, my choices will become clearer.

"Books" are the second item on Marie's checklist. Immediately, I thought I couldn't do books. The books in our home are all wrapped up in sentimental value because 95% of them were Mom's. Yet ... I want to house, organize and showcase Mom's books in a way that honors them. I want to create a small library within one of our spare rooms. This goal begins with emptying the bookshelves and creating space to build what is starting to formulate within my mind's eye. Yes, books must be second on my list of decluttering. Dealing with these books will open possibilities and allow my dream of creating a reading room begin to happen.

"Komono" is a little bit of everything else. It includes everything EXCEPT sentimental items. Dealing with the miscellaneous items within our home means bringing all like items together, culling through the excess and storing what is left over in ONE place. I remember the satisfaction I used to feel KNOWING that each and every safety pin within our home was in ONE place. I'm weird that way. But as I enter the stage of forgetting where things are, if I move it from its original storage spot, the idea of knowing where each and every safety pin is, brings me peace. Then again, if I can't remember where one is, I will have lost them all ... (things that make me go "hmmm").

"Sentimental" - this is the category which has stopped me in my tracks each and every time I think of tackling the excess within our home. This is why Marie Kondo suggests tackling this last. Even though I may not have the fortitude to see this task through to the bitter end of letting things go, this is what I know. I CAN sort through and put all pictures in ONE spot. I can isolate and honor the letters. I can put all the memorabilia and history in one place. Sentimental items that take up less space in my heart can be dealt with easier. But the hard stuff? I can put that in one container and deal with them when I am still and able to honor the memories as I decide what is important.

"Papers" is another category Marie has mentioned. Paper is my downfall. I have not only my income tax papers, receipts and all documents related to our home and everything in it, to diplomas, resumes, and household receipts BUT I have both Mom & Dad's income tax returns since 1945. Yes, "papers" is going to be a tough one. Perhaps even harder than the sentimental category.

I believe categorizing the task and putting it ALL right out in front of you is key. As I look upon each and every category Marie Kondo describes, I can picture the piles which will formulate. There is a "knowing" that by taking everything out of the nooks and crannies where they are stored, and putting them in ONE pile, priorities will come into focus.

I look ahead not only into today, but the days, months and years ahead and I recognize the obstacles that lie ahead of me.

Something is different though. I feel as though I am honoring those obstacles.

The job I don't know if I will have to go to today? I have this job! It is a job which could not be better for me. It honors who I am, what I know, what I am capable of and what I am capable of learning. Plus? I get paid.

I have a small writing project I finally started tackling again yesterday. I have been procrastinating for six months. It is not a hard job. It is simply time consuming. I felt overwhelmed. So I set a timer for one hour. ONE hour at a time, I took on this task. I reset the timer three more times. I SUCCEEDED in working for 3.5 hours. The job is still a long way from completion. But one hour at a time, I will get it done.

The excess that has been weighing me down? I look around our home, I open cupboards and drawers and I realize the excess isn't as heavy on the outside as it feels on the inside. I'm a girl who used to scour the house from top to bottom to ensure everything not only HAD a spot, but every little item that fell within that category was IN its spot.

Material belongings could be lost in a heartbeat. Our home that houses not only us but all of our "stuff" is a gift beyond words.

I will begin this journey of overcoming obstacles by honoring them. I will place all those obstacles into a pile (mentally or physically) and honor what I have been given before I start letting the excess go.

A Fresh New Page

As much as I think the New Year is a non-event for me, I must admit it felt rather cathartic to file away 2018 and flip the brand new calendar into the year 2019.

I struggled through some of 2018. I went on a few "fly away" vacations. I stepped out of my solitude, I worked, I played and had some fun. 

I have stepped into My Next Chapter Without a Map. I have few guidelines to follow other than a loosely thrown together list of intentions for the months as they unfold:

#1 - Next year, I am going to book two weeks of holidays over Christmas. I am not quite ready to return to life as I know it. I am JUST starting to feel a renewal of energy and wish I had more days at my disposal to start acting upon that which is starting to stir within.

#2 - START the process of decluttering with my own belongings. Mom's room, Mom's memorabilia and all the sentimental stuff has been stopping me in my tracks. I can still begin. I will just start where it is easiest. With MY stuff.

#3 - Slow and steady wins the race. As I sit here after ten full days of simply breathing, eating and following the easiest path, I feel "a list" formulating in my mind. The list of "I should's" are daunting. There is so much to do that I don't have the energy to do a thing. One. Small. Step. At. A. Time. Add ONE new habit. Live it. Breathe it. Incorporate it into my day. Once it becomes second nature, add a second life affirming action into my day.

#4 - Buy better groceries. Having good-for-us and easy to assemble food in the kitchen is one habit I want to add into our life. This is easier said while not living my regularly scheduled life. I will do my best. I will try.

#5 - Write. Just write. Whether I write in a journal, send off a note or an email or blog. I want to return to a world where my heart to fingertip connection is reignited.

I write this list of things-to-do and already I feel like I am biting off more than I can chew. ONE small step at a time. 

I feel the angst of having to step back into my daily work world. This holiday has been just what I needed. A lot of quiet. No pressure. A life where I wake up, open the curtains and greet the day before me with a little bit of joy.

How can I do this while working? 

Perhaps I need to add ...

#6 - When I wake up in the morning, GET up. No turning on the TV. No lulling myself back to sleep with my Netflix addiction of the moment. WAKE up. GET up. CREATE the time I need by being wakeful during the early morning hours. Be PRESENT. Do not sleep through my down time. 

2019 will be a year where I strive to live each day with INTENTION. I may intend to have a relaxing day. I may intend to have a day focused on living outside this cozy little oasis. I may intend to accomplish ONE hard thing. I simply need to set my intentions before I put my feet on the ground. 

ONE hard thing at a time. ONE hour at a time. Perhaps that ONE hour could be devoted to my word puzzle addiction. Do some of the hard things. Add joy. Fulfill my own needs. Find a balance. Expect that balance to change. 

I feel like I walked through 2018 in my sleep. It was not an INTENTIONAL year. It simply unfolded. That is okay. It is what I needed.

But it is time for a change. ONE small step at a time.