Life of a Cat - Part 2

Bird watching

Waiting, watching and wondering

Planning an escape

The joys of living with cats

They grace our days with these small moments time and time again.

Not to mention the cat hair that goes on forever. 

Livin' the Life of a Cat

One of the joys of being single, is the option to sleep diagonally across the bed. 

However, when one's cat chooses this option while its person is sleeping vertically across the same bed, it does create a bit of a shortage of real estate.

Then, he bites my feet when they infringe on his space.

The joys of being a cat.

I Need a New Topic

Will today be long enough to do all that must be done?

I woke up at midnight with this thought in my mind. I thought "I could just get up and work right now ...". But (wisely) I didn't. I rolled over and slept fitfully throughout the night instead.

So much work. So little time. Working throughout the night is not a choice I choose to make. Setting boundaries when your work moves in with you, is necessary.  

But what if I had worked through the night and woke up to an empty slate this morning? Clearing the slate. What a concept. 

I do not want my work to consume me. I simply want to get to a point where I feel in control and have a rhythm with the monthly, quarterly and annual deadlines.

It is month end. Work is on my brain. This too, will pass.

I just want to write about rabbits ...

Another Month Bites the Dust

Another month has flown by in my bookkeeping world and I continue to run out of month before I run out of work. 

I remember the saying "There is too much month left over at the end of the money" which has been the story of my life as I have precariously balanced my personal finances throughout my adulthood.

This is a new dilemma. "There is too much work left at the end of the month".

This is either very good (if there continues to be work to do, this helps my job stability) or very bad (if I an not working efficiently enough perhaps there is a better person for my job).

At this very moment in time, it feels like a good thing. I am working. I am working hard. I am working a lot. I am working hard at becoming more proficient at my job. I am working from home.

I am working. I feel valued. I feel productive (most days). 

I am busy. My mind is consumed. There is a defined difference between "work", "leisure" and "me time".

I am earning my way, paying the bills and keeping on top of where I need to be financially.

In this world, especially during this time, I recognize and appreciate how truly blessed I am to have all of the above.

Where would I be without my job? How much of my identity and self worth is intertwined with what I do and my ability to earn a pay cheque? If I wasn't working, would I continue to feel valued, productive, busy and my thoughts consumed with life outside myself? Would my days have definition or would they all start to blur together and feel the same?

Life as we know it can change in a New York minute. At this moment in time, I am grateful. Simply grateful. 

A Baby!!!

My aunt called out to me, "Those magpies are after the rabbit under the picnic table". My aunt knows how much I adore rabbits so I was expecting to see a full grown rabbit and an interaction between a rabbit and a bird. I didn't expect to witness what was unfolding before us.

Six magpies had cornered and surrounded a tiny baby rabbit under a picnic table. This feisty little rabbit was rearing up on its haunches in an attempt to scare off its attackers. 

We assessed the situation for a minute before I went out to shoo off the magpies. They were quite determined to continue the pursuit of this defenseless little rabbit and I actually had to circle the table before all six of them flew away.

I knelt down and talked to the baby rabbit in what I hoped it would understand as a friendly tone. I made quiet little sounds and tried to convince the baby I was not going to hurt it. I picked up some dandelion leaves and extended my hand toward the little rabbit and it approached me.

I thought my heart may explode with glee. This baby was coming to me! 

As soon as it got to my hand, it made little rabbit growling sounds and scratched my fingers with its front paws. It was not interested in the dandelion leaves I had offered. It was determined to show me who was boss and I respected this fierce little bunny warrior's stance.

I should have quietly backed away and left this little critter alone but my joy of not only seeing a baby rabbit but actually having it approach me and touch me captivated my attention. So I stayed.

My aunt's apartment is not the only one in this complex that faces this park setting. The moment I looked up and away from the rabbit was when I realized one of my aunt's neighbors was standing right behind me, taking a picture of this baby. I walked away from the scene and another neighbor told me this baby had been spotted by others earlier in the day. We wondered where its mother was and we just wanted this baby to feel safe and protected.

I was feeling a tad melancholy before the baby rabbit encounter. My heart was not in my day and I truly just wanted to be home tending to my own little world. I was having a hard time being away from home when my aunt called my attention to the little miracle hidden within a regular ordinary day.

In the millisecond it took for that baby rabbit to approach me, I felt I was living my dream. One day, I sat at this very computer and wrote of Setting Intentions. Number one on the list is: "Tame a wild rabbit or two".

Nature. Lost in the moment. Feeling the touch of a baby rabbit. The world beyond the baby rabbit and me did not exist in that moment. I was lost. Lost in my field of dreams. I didn't build it. But I did imagine it. If you imagine it, you will recognize it when it comes.

May you find amazement in one small moment today. A moment that takes your breath away.

Know When to Walk Away (know when to call a professional)

Don't you love when the little things in life just fix themselves?

In the land of computer technology, often the best thing you can do is reboot, restart, walk away and come back later. I find this strategy works wonders with a lot of things.

At an impasse with an interaction that is going no where? Say no more. Keep your emotions out of it. Agree to disagree for the moment. Reboot. Restart. Come back later. The issue at hand is still on the table but a fresh perspective may be all it takes to make a difference.

Having trouble with a math problem? The more you stare it down, the less you see. Walk away. Think new thoughts. Come back later. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, the answer is staring you right in the face. I do this all the time with my Suduko puzzles. It amazes me every time that I couldn't see what was so obvious when I rebooted my brain.

I have used this strategy on health, car, appliance and home repair situations with varying degrees of success. 

Whenever overwhelmed, it is simply best to walk away, regroup, rethink and strategize. Some things fix themselves. Some things don't. 

Which leads me to my eyes ...

In this world of COVID and my lack of desire to go anywhere unless it is an absolute necessity, my eyes have been a concern a time or two.

The first time, it was an eye irritation? Inflammation? Infection (I don't think so)? The discomfort was real, long lasting and persistent. But at no time was I in extreme pain or overly worried.

I tried some eye drops my eye doctor had prescribed for an inflammation. After a week, my eye was worse instead of better. I read the side effects of the drops and hoped I hadn't done irreparable damage to my eye. Instead, I used eye lubrication drops. Day and night. I slept with the eye drops (I think it was the middle-of-the-night drops that made the difference). Thankfully, after three weeks, my eye situation rectified itself. I can still see and I am simply grateful for my eyes to continue working as they normally do.

This was soon followed by a white head looking growth on my bottom eye lid. Would this go away on its own? Get bigger? Was it an infection? I googled a little bit and decided to just let it be. The last thing I wanted to do was irritate it. 

Weeks came and went. I was grateful my little white growth was not growing. But it was not going away either. It did not interfere with my life as I was living it so I just chose to ignore it. I rebooted, restarted my thinking and just walked away.

You can imagine my surprise and delight when I looked at my reflection one morning and this little white growth had miraculously disappeared.

This instilled my belief in the healing powers of rebooting, restarting and walking away.

I do NOT recommend this strategy on all health situations. It has recently come to light that just going back to bed and sleeping it off could have cost a person their life. 

I am grateful for all situations where rebooting and restarting is the solution. This also does not work on broken computer hard drive. The answer there is to turn it off and call a professional. 

Know when to walk away. Know when to call a professional. If in doubt, call a professional. Better safe than sorry.

Who Doesn't Love Rabbits?

One of my greatest joys in life is noticing a rabbit hopping through our neighborhood or the park like setting where my aunt lives. Rabbit spotting became a much enjoyed event while I visited Mom and one of my favorite photos is one of a small jack rabbit who hopped into Mom's back yard and settled in for a bit. We named him (or her) "Jack".

I have this 4" X 6" photo on display on the top shelf of  Mom's corner shelving unit in our living room, nestled in with other meaningful mementos which honor my memories of Mom. 

As per our own family's version of Emily Post (who literally wrote the book on etiquette), I followed Mom's rule of not having personal photos on display in the living room. The corner shelving unit holds items which have special meaning to me but its contents are rather generic to a casual visitor.

Never have I ever been more grateful for following one of Mom's rules of decorating when someone I don't know gazed at our sparsely decorated living room and made the comment "I hope you ate that rabbit!" when he looked at the framed photo of "Jack".

Now, I was already having my reservations about this human being. My spidey senses were tingling and I felt like a dog with its hair raising on the back of its shoulders. I just didn't feel good about this professional computer doctor who was in my midst. Then he made this comment and I felt my "inner Margaret" get her hackles up and I thought loudly (in Mom's voice), "I knew I didn't like this guy!" 

Who has the insensitivity to make such a rude comment to a person who obviously feels strongly enough about rabbits to photograph, frame and display on the top shelf of a room that holds no other personal touches? Who continues to have a conversation and debate the worthiness of rabbits after sharing the fact that Mom & I enjoyed watching and even named him?

I am not even certain if I was civil to this human after the above interaction.

Who doesn't love rabbits?! I honestly don't want to know this answer. I am having a very hard time not going off on a rant about this person's customer service. He was hanging on by a thread. It was that thread that hung him. I will not be calling him back.

I cannot trust a person who doesn't like rabbits.

Nature (from the comfort of home)

I woke up early this morning so I could simply breathe in the day ...

I hoped I would be filled with words but I woke up in need of replenishment. New thoughts. New ideas. New perspective.

I tuned into the two new-to-me shows I have recently discovered - "Best Friends Furever" and "Hope in the Wild". Shows about unlikely friendships between different species of animals and rescuing, reviving and returning wild animals back into their natural habitat.

Nature. Shows about wildlife. All which I can enjoy from the comfort of my climate and insect controlled home while sipping my Sunday morning coffee in my pj's.

Welcome to my Sunday. It's off to a good start.

The Tipping Point

What is your tipping point? What is the point where a series of small events add up to the point of a critical change? What is that "last straw"?

I can pinpoint the sequence of events, times and events leading up to my own personal points-of-no-return. I like to think I have a pretty strong threshold of compassion, endurance and understanding. But there comes a time when that ONE last thing pushes the limit and I'm done.

My marriage was one of those tests of endurance. There were multiple infractions made by both parties. The arguments were plentiful, loud and excessive. The make-ups were equal in their emotional levels. But each negative action kept taking its toll. Each make-up session became a little less meaningful. One by one, day by day, action by action it all added up. Until that ONE last time. And I was done.

Did I plan to leave? No. But I had been mentally preparing for what I subconsciously knew was inevitable. 

It was the straw that broke the camel's back. So insignificant but just that one final blow.

There is a lot of talk about "boundaries", "toxic relationships" and a vast array of similar discussions about situations which necessitate walking away, restarting or dealing with people at arm's length in order to restore a person's mental and physical well being.

I can think of relationships, jobs and situations where I felt backed into a corner and had to take a stand. 

During my daycare days, this evolution became a positive one. My need to set firm boundaries and establish a set of expectations turned into newsletters and there was a renewed sense of appreciation after clearing the air in a firm but respectful manner. 

I became better at setting my own personal boundaries during my daycare career.

Boundaries can even spill over into what was once the highlight of my week. Ballroom dancing. While I danced, I loved every moment and everything about it. Everything. Without exception. Until I didn't. One day, I was paying good money to do something that no longer brought me joy. My feet hurt. I felt stressed during my lesson. I wanted to be home with my dying cat. I was done. I was just done. 

Boundaries shift and change and evolve. Communication is a two way street and when both parties are effective at their side of the conversation, meaningful change can take place. Sometimes the answer is not an answer. It is simply time to move on.

Life is fluid, ever changing and evolving. When I hear of marriages that endure all of the above I am in absolute awe. I have an incredible amount of respect for people who work through their ever changing relationship, stay together and still respect one another. 

I have been asked to ponder the reason why I am unable to retire on many occasions. The short answer? I'm a quitter. I reached my tipping point on too many occasions.

IF I had stayed with the first job I ever held, took out a pension, topped it up to the maximum I was allowed, kept that pension intact and added onto it throughout my working life, I would have 41 years worth of savings accumulated. I could be sitting on a comfortable little nest egg.

IF I had stayed in my marriage, I cannot even begin to imagine where I would be right now. If I had stayed married, I would not have found myself in that first job with an offer of a pension.

IF I had stayed in a bad marriage. IF I had lived for my pension. IF I had stayed in a secure job instead of striking out on my own and opening a daycare. If I had focused on making a living instead of making a life. If ... if ... if ...

I stayed in "none of the above". I am not set up to retire. All because for one reason or another, I reached the point of no return within a marriage, a job, a home, a life style or any of the other reasons I chose to walk away and restart from where I was.

I'm grateful for where I am today. I wouldn't be here if I had walked this walk any other way. My back is stronger because I have learned to honor my own personal boundaries. Honoring my calling to "just be a mom" has strengthened not only myself but all of my relationships.

I am so grateful for all of the points of no return. The "I'm done" moments. The opportunity to restart from where I was.

I am also a little afraid. My boundaries feel a little stretched at times because at this age and stage of my life, I don't like the idea of restarting from where I am. I just want to coast.

I have a feeling my inevitable retirement may take the form of my marriage:

Do I plan to quit work? No. But I have been mentally preparing for what I subconsciously know will one day be inevitable. 

It's all going to work its way out. In its own time, in its own way. In the meantime, I trust that I am exactly where I am meant to be and I am ever grateful for my employment. While I have it, I will appreciate and be grateful for it. For one day, this will all change.

Like the end of my marriage ... I just hope I'm mentally prepared for it when it happens.

Reality Check

I spent one day deep in the throes of technology overload worried about computer files, computer language and letting my boss down. One day of worry, frustration and overload about something that will not matter one week from now and will be all but forgotten in a year.

Meanwhile, during that same stretch or time, five hours to the west of me, a friend of mine was enduring a day which will be etched in their memories for the rest of their lives.

A life and death health situation landed upon their shoulders without warning. My friend's family woke up to their day just like any other. Within hours, a life was hanging in the balance. 

My friend called. She just needed to talk. That is all. The absolutely only thing in the world I could do for her was to listen.

The only bright spot within a very dark day was the way her children rallied together to support each other while their sibling waited for news about his wife.

My heart is aching for what my friend and her family are walking through right now. 

I had spent that very same day worried about a computer. I need to learn to keep things in perspective. 

How often have you found yourself caught up in a frenzy of anxiety over something that felt monumental at the time, but in the end was not the end of the world? 

Ask yourself this question: 

"Will this matter a year from now?" 

~ Richard Carlson

Giving Up Verses Giving In

One of life's most important lessons just may be: "Know when to call for help". This renewed piece of knowledge is brought to you by The Need to Get A New Computer.

This is how I thought the conversation went:

Me: I bought the computer using no other information than what you told us. It has 8 GB of Ram with an Intel processor. It is untouched, still sealed, new in the box, just in case we have to return it. I have never bought a computer before. My Previous Computer Guy always did everything for me and brought it to me when he did whatever had to be done. My boss said to have you take care of setting up the new computer.

Computer Guy: All you need to do is turn it on and let the updates run. That will save me time ...

So that is how I got myself into a situation that was way above my pay grade.

I knew I was in trouble when the absolutely very first thing I did when the computer came to life and asked me the simple question: 

What language do you want to use? "United States - English or Canada - [I didn't stop to read any further - I just knew I lived in Canada so I clicked before I read]"

Warning! Warning! Warning!

Always read before you click!!!!!!!

I clicked "Canada - ________" and apparently the word after Canada must have been French because from that point onward the computer spoke and typed to me in Canadian French.

The day steadily went downhill from there.

The next day, my Computer Guy came to install data from the hard drive which had crashed and our conversation went something like this:

Me: I got myself in way over my head. I've never done this before and I made every mistake known to man.

Computer Guy: That's why I always like to set up a new computer myself.

Me: I thought you said all I had to do was turn it on and let the updates run.

Computer Guy: [after a calm discussion of what he thought he said and what I thought I heard] There is no sense in wondering about what happened yesterday. We can only go forward from here.

Me: So apparently, when the VERY first thing you do is wrong, you quit and call an expert in the field.

Computer Guy: [short version of a very long answer] Yes

Lesson learned. 

I have become as wise as I am due to all the things I have done wrong before I find the right way. My personal motto is "I rarely take a direct route to where I'm going but I always get there in the end." Sometimes? Just sometimes? I need a little help getting there.

All of what I have learned in life has come from doing it wrong before I got it right. Or finally figured out that I should simply give up and/or call for help.

Giving up verses giving in. This ongoing battle will continue to be part of my life story. 

When do we finally get to the part where we are simply wise? I guess when we stop trying new things. I am starting to believe learning is highly overrated.

“Once you stop learning you start dying” 

~ Albert Einstein

Life on Repeat

I recently read that people who tend to watch reruns of the same shows over and over again are people who like predictability in their lives. As one who watches reruns of my favorite shows on a regular basis, I tend to believe they are right.

Netflix is the answer to my childhood dream. As a child, I remember the feeling of loss at the end of watching Bewitched, my favorite half hour sitcom. I wished there was a way I could watch it over again and again. I hated having to wait an entire week for the next episode. As a teen, I remember taping Sonny & Cher on my audio tape recorder long before VCR's were invented. Just so I could listen to what I just heard. Over and over.

As a young adult, I thought I was living the dream when I could video tape my favorite shows on TV, fast forward through commercials and rewatch the tape whenever I chose. I started collecting my own series of shows. DVD box sets of TV series were yet another dream come true. Then came Netflix and all the video streaming options that are readily available.

These days, we have anything and everything we could ever want to watch readily available, any time of the day or night, every day of the week. Remember when the TV stations shut down for the night and the standard "test pattern" was all that aired until the next morning? No music. No diversion. If anything at all, there may have been the sound of static that accompanied the pattern. Or was it a high pitched squeal? 

Oh, the creature comforts we have come to know and expect. TV on demand. 24/7. No need to wait a week until the next new episode if you happen to find a new-to-you series on any one of the streaming networks. 

 Streaming, repetitive viewing, movie or television series marathons of sedentary, mindless entertainment. Not only is anything you could ever hope to watch always "on tap", there is no lapse of memory between episodes because you just watched it a few minutes ago.

Yes, I love that I have found an oasis of predictability within this highly unpredictable world of ours. I anticipate losing myself in the world of whatever television series of the moment I happen to be watching. I am comforted by the knowledge I can watch what I want to watch when I want to watch it. If I fall asleep, I don't lose a thing. I just rewind, restart and rewatch what I missed. 

Some people smoke. Others drink. There are many drugs of choice that people lean into when the going gets rough. Me? I like to tune into wherever I last left off in Grey's Anatomy. You have no idea how excited I was to find Private Practice (Grey's Anatomy spin off series) offered on Amazon Prime...

Spin offs. My childhood dreams dared not anticipate some of my favorite characters branching off into a series of their own. 

Life just keeps getting better and better. And smaller and smaller, as I retreat into the mindless, predictable world of all my favorite TV series on repeat.

I'm living in my Field of Dreams. Over and over and over again.

P.S. I may be isolating just a tad too much. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

And This Too Shall Pass

Rainy days and Monday (mornings) ...

7:34 a.m.

... often evolve into ...

... sunny skies and Monday afternoons

3:17 p.m.

They say it is always darkest before dawn. 

May I add it is always darker when it is cloudy. 

Remember,

the sun is always there. 

It may be obscured by clouds. 

But it is there.

May your afternoon be bright,

Rainy Days and Mondays

It is both rainy and Monday ...

... just feeling a little gloomy

and Karen Carpenter's lyrics are speaking to me.

"... Hangin' around (hangin' around)

Nothin' to do but frown

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Funny, but it seems that it's the only thing to do (only thing to do)

Run and find the one who loves me..."

The isolation must be getting to me.

I feel like I could use a hug right about now.

P.S. The next song on the YouTube lineup of Karen Carpenter's play list is 

"Top of the World"

and that is always where I end up after a gloomy day like today.

No worries.

I Miss Me

Waking up to a weekend full of so many thoughts, feelings, ideas and wishes has reminded me of how much I miss "me".

My introvert personality tendencies have me revelling in and losing myself in the COVID world of social distancing and isolation. The Coronavirus is enabling my natural inborn desires which is both wonderful and awful at the same time.

Add working-from-home plus my inclination to catch up on every little single thing I'm working on to this equation and I created a Math Zombie Personality (which is not my best self).

Long ago, I recognized my need for the law and order of a numbers related world to be counteracted with socialization, words, communication and enough quiet to hear myself think.

Decades of working in the banking industry fulfilled most of those needs. The ability to balance to zero was counteracted with the need to provide good customer service. My ability to listen, communicate, act and react in accordance with whoever was in front of me was a very good fit for me. 

My years of daycaring were offset with working at a bank on Saturdays, followed by a part-time bookkeeping job which became full-time. Full-time bookkeeping (all numbers) didn't fulfill my needs and eventually morphed into working as a part-time secretary (all people and words) within the school system. This catapulted me back into my daycaring/bookkeeping role where I was back in a place which was a relatively balanced equation of people, numbers, creativity and writing.

I fell out of balance a week ago when I immersed myself in work. 

I stopped thinking, processing and reflecting life-as-I-know-it. I had nothing to say, no time to say it, no one to say it to and putting this lack of nothingness into the form of a blog post was the end result. 

I took a day off yesterday. Words, thoughts, feelings and the desire to interact with friends and family came to the forefront of my mind again.

I woke up this morning feeling fresh, renewed, revitalized and ready to take on more than numbers.

I felt all these feelings and the sensation of "joy" started oozing out of my pores. I gave myself a mental hug and thought to myself, "I miss ME".

I'm going to indulge myself with whatever the day brings. I cannot wait to see what unfolds today as I create a whimsical day to just be "me". I've missed this ...

It is Time ...

I have become the world's best procrastinator over the course of the past many years.

There are so very many things to be done. So much I would like to have done and behind me. But there are a list of little just-for-me things I would like to do.

Oh, to take the entirety of a weekend to sift through the boxes of memories I have amassed. On more than one occasion recently, I have been reminded of a few keepsakes I have saved over the years and it has ignited a desire to rifle through my memory box to see what I have forgotten.

I want to empty the shelf of photos, photo albums, loose pictures and organize them and amalgamate them into one whole cohesive collection including the pictures and albums I inherited from Mom.

I want to take the time to cull through Mom's boxes of memorabilia. Sort, organize and decide what is excess. When we were going through Mom's collection of belongings, I felt everything was important, a piece of history and a piece of Mom. Perhaps I don't need to keep two decades worth of her calendars to hold onto a few vital dates and notations.

This weekend I wish for will spill over into days. Days on end. Days where one photograph, notation or piece of paper will ignite thoughts I had forgotten. Thus, I don't want to rush the process.

I want to make the time. It is time ...

Need New Input

I have spent far too much time with myself lately. I got caught up in a rut where I was focused on one thing and one thing only. It is time to diversify my thinking. 

Yesterday was a very good beginning. There is nothing quite like physical labor to unclog one's thought processes. Add being outdoors to the equation and it was a very restorative day.

I woke up to a weekend this morning and finally felt I had the time to sit and listen/watch an hour long Instagram post. It was a video that I cannot sum up in a few words but if I was to attempt to summarize it, I would say it was fueled by a fire that needed to be aired, shared and put out into the world.

The fire was started with a spark. A spark can be a very good thing. It can be the beginning of a process that results in great change. A spark is also all it takes to start a forest fire. This particular spark was of the forest fire variety. 

It isn't fair for me to try to encapsulate a 55 minute dialogue in one short post. But I will say that this conversation triggered so many thoughts. It sparked a little campfire within.

I scribbled down the name of two books, an author and a quote that amused me from this very important discussion. The minute I reread what I wrote, I recognized the humor was sparked because of the great truth within the statement.

Dr Yaba Blay's words spoke loudly to me. Within the fire burning within her, she uttered this:

"I want to apologize. Not because I'm sorry, but because you had to experience my rage and my rage was intended for other people."

Wow. Is it just me? Or does anyone else hear their own truth within that apology. 

After a forest fire, there is room and potential for regrowth. There are so many important conversations going on within this world of ours. It is my fervent hope the rebuilding after these many fires starts with a solid foundation laid by so many who have so much to say.

If you have an hour to spare and are in the mood to be enlightened and/or curious, this is a conversation between Dr. Yaba Blay and Tarana Burke, with Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach present (but mostly listening and absorbing the content): https://www.instagram.com/p/CCrektaDpNq/

Yesterday

I had barely written the words: "The windows are dirty, the edging around the lawn could be done, there are weeds to pick, cat hair to vacuum" yesterday morning, when my Youngest Son woke up and took half the chores off my to-do-list, creating the time, motivation and energy to do some of the hard things I have been putting off.

I sweated. I got dirty. I was outside for hours on end. I physically worked. And it was good.

I achieved exactly what I hoped for at the end of my words yesterday. I cleared the slate for the onset of a weekend. 

Thoughts other than math equations, balancing and accounting wafted in and out of my mind. It felt a little bit wonderful to work outside my home office. I will definitely do this more often.

Life is all about balance. I need to balance the numbers with words, the words with thoughts, the thoughts with new input. I woke up this morning with a very good yesterday behind me. I am so ready for a Saturday. 

To be continued.

Today

Yesterday I wrote about my wish for a Math Holiday &/or a Cat Day.  I then proceeded to log another full work day.

Today? My aim is to have a Minimum Requirement Day. I will do what must be done. I will follow the ebbs and the flows of the day while hoping for a day dominant in "ebbs".

The windows are dirty, the edging around the lawn could be done, there are weeds to pick, cat hair to vacuum. After I'm done all work that requires sweating, I will shower and deal with my hair. Even while "ebbing", there is work begging to be done.

I have two books I have started to read. I long to sit still with one of them for hours on end. Neither book is fiction. My most indulgent wish is to loose myself in a fictional story that lifts me up and transports me to the world an author has created.

My goal today is to clear the slate for whatever the weekend may bring. 

I'm Ready for a Math Holiday

All I have been doing lately is working. Work. Work. And more work.

In my quest to "catch up", I have discovered that keeping up to date in the bookkeeping world is as elusive as the never-ending-always-feeling-behind-sensation I felt when I worked at a grocery store bakery.

There was seemingly no end to the baking that needed to be packaged, labelled, restocked, then culled. Keeping up with the demand (or lack of) fresh baked goods was an ongoing and endless task. I hated that job. I hate to use the word hate. But I did. There is no satisfaction within a job where you are ALWAYS behind.

Enter the work-from-home scenario I have found myself living these past many months. Catching up was something I could now accomplish now that my bookkeeping work lived with me.

That was an overwhelming and debilitating thought. Until I started tackling one big job at a time. "If only I can get 'this' done. Then I'll be caught up. But I still have to do 'that'. THEN I'll be caught up. But I still have to do 'the other things'. Then the phone or doorbell rings and I have four new pile of things-to-be-done." And so on and so forth.

I have shuffled a few mountains. I have not moved them. I have simply organized them, sorted them by date, created a spreadsheet to compile all information and now my work sits in four piles and a big, cloth grocery bag awaiting answers I need to complete the tasks at hand. So I have moved one mountain into four molehills and one very big hill.

I've been working with numbers day in and day out. I'm ready for a break. Better yet, I'm ready for a cat day. Not much is stressing out our miniature black panthers.

 

Monday is Having an Identity Crisis

The joy of working from home is that as long as I get the job done, I can work within a time frame that works best for me.

When it comes to the Big Jobs, I like to have hours on end at my disposal. Hours without a deadline. Ironically enough, those hours now seem to land on the occasional weekend.

I just worked three consecutive long, productive days. It is now Monday and I am in a Sunday frame of mind. It is lovely.

I woke up early and simply followed the path of least resistance.

That path led me to the living room window. No rabbits in sight, I grabbed a book and settled into the couch and read. No coffee to kick start the morning. I simply read. And it was good.

My stomach started to recognize my morning routine was off and started to grumble a bit. I fed it a smoothie and it is appeased for the moment.

I revelled in the easiness of Monday's word puzzles after losing too many hours to Sunday's "5 star" difficulty level. 

I like Monday to start on a "1 star" level of difficulty after a "5 star" weekend.

I love working from home. I can work when working conditions are best. My days can have an identity crisis and I can sit back and enjoy a peaceful easy Monday morning feeling.

The Joy of Working

It has been an incredibly productive week here in my home office. .

I have tended to monthly and quarterly tasks. I have successfully called three different departments at Revenue Canada and not only did I not have to hold, each and every question and concern I had was addressed, answered and solved within a ten to fifteen minute call. 

As I tidied up the clutter of the month, I had time left to work on a few of the lingering jobs that have been taking up space on my work table and in my mind. It is amazing what energy comes from cleaning the work slate on a few levels.

I feel more energetic and I do believe I have the motivation required to get me through one of the bigger tasks I have left to tend. I can envision the space created within my work week once that job is complete. 

I woke up with ambition this morning. The motivation that is bubbling up inside of me is taking me outside my home office door and I am seeing the light.

Since COVID-19 arrived on the scene, I have been doing little more than tending to my own self preservation.

I have not been a supportive friend or family member. I have not been reaching out. I have been hunkering down and managing my own little world.

I have not taken on any COVID projects, big or small. I haven't cleaned a closet. I haven't reorganized our home ... except maybe I did a just a little. The weekend our new book shelves were installed was definitely a Coronavirus highlight. But the weight of the work within my office-with-a-door has been weighing me down and holding me captive to the responsibilities lying in wait.

I have not found time in this "isolation" to dig deep, go quiet, hear my inner voice guiding me where I need to go next. 

We are almost four months in to our changed world and I have yet to feel isolated. 

When stay at home recommendations arose on the scene I thought this was exactly the kind of holiday I have always hoped for. Time off work with no where to be but home. It was a dream come true. Then my work moved in with me and it has taken us four months to establish healthy boundaries and come to terms with each other.

Now that I finally know my roommate a little better, I am finally in a place to settle in and enjoy being home. Just in time for the world to open up again. 

Do you ever feel like you are always ten steps behind the times? Me too. 

Cat Lip

Our cat Jet is a loving, demonstrative little critter.

He loves to snuggle in and get face-to-face with his people. He will look deep into my eyes filled with love and then he makes his move. 

He bites.

I have gotten very good at side stepping his love nips. I anticipate his moves and I dodge his cat nipping attempts. 

It has been a long time since our adoring carnivorous black cat has nipped my face. So I wasn't fast enough. He got me. He drew blood. I now have a cat tooth sized gash on my upper lip. 

I've had pets that will "teach" kids right and wrong by gently placing their teeth on them without actually biting them. Jet is a little more aggressive than our previous daycare kitty (André). Although he may have used a little more pressure, he never ever drew blood. I can still hear the echo of my daycare past: "André is eating me". I quietly thought to myself in response, "No, he's just tasting you".

Well? Now I know how it feels. I just hope Jet doesn't acquire a taste for my blood.

Throwback Thursday

I feel wordless this morning so went back through the archives of my blog and wondered where I was a year ago today.

July 9, 2019 was a boring and tedious post about cooking in our newly renovated home and the fear of burning everything to the ground with my efforts. Thus, I tamed down my cooking efforts and our house remains standing.

So I went back year by year by year until I finally found this post. I should probably edit and paraphrase it into a more condensed read. But it is what it is. Our world was feeling unsettled four years ago. The cyclical nature of life never ceases to amaze me. Lessons keep being repeated until we learn the lesson. Then there are new lessons. 

FRIDAY, JULY 8, 2016

Meandering Thoughts

I had a free hour at my disposal the morning before my youngest son graduated so I ran over to my lawyer's office and updated my will. Yes, my timing was very strange but I had this overwhelming need to simplify my life, my estate and tie up all loose ends as soon my last dependent officially became an adult.

"Name my three sons as beneficiaries of every asset I have, divide everything in three, remove all trust conditions and make this will be the last will I will ever need to write" became the theme of my thoughts in the months that preceded my youngest son turning eighteen years old.

My thoughts of having three adult sons have felt diverse and complicated and simple all at the same time. This is the first time since I was seventeen years old that I have not had a dependent. I thought I would be in a different place in my life when I became single, without dependents. I'm not sure who I thought I would be but I guess I simply assumed I would "know". I can die, now that no one is dependent upon me, has been a predominant line of thinking.

This sounds more morbid than it actually is. My first marriage was a complicated one and I was terrified of dying at any time while my first two sons were still dependent upon me. I could not have rested easy, knowing the potential mess I left behind. Things wouldn't have been as messy had I not been able to fulfill my parenting role with my third child but it would have been complicated enough. I simply wanted to be here to raise my own children. Plain and simple.

My children have all been raised but I truly believe there is still much parenting left for me to do. I look at my diverse family of four and I see four individuals at four different forks in the road. Each one of us is feeling and going through something completely different than the other and my present day wish is to find a way to unite us in our diversity.

I want my children to feel strength in their brotherhood. This is no easy feat when an average of ten years separates each one of them and there is a twenty year age span between my youngest and my oldest. There is a parallel division of ages within my own siblings and our family ties are strong and united. This is the gift I want for my own children.

Then there are the words my cousin spoke when she remarried after her children were grown. I can't remember her exact words but they were something to the effect that her first priority after her divorce, was raising her children. Once they were independent and on their own, she could think about remarrying. And she did. When her youngest child was twenty years old.

This thought spawned many others. Like "who am I" now that I have technically raised my children to adulthood? What kind of "package deal" am I, when all I am is me? My identity is going through a transition and I am not entirely certain who I am and what I have to offer to another person or a relationship.

I have perspective. I have maturity. I have debt. I don't have a financial plan. I make a living but I'm not living my life. I work but I don't have a career. I try to be kind but I fail at times. I do the best I can but I often fall short of what I expect of myself.

As an afterthought, I asked my lawyer what would happen to my (now) current will if by chance I was to remarry. I clarified my query with the disclaimer, "This is as unlikely as me paying off my mortgage before I die, but if per chance I was to remarry would this nullify my will?" The short answer to that is "Yes". The long answer is "Now that my life has the potential to be simplified, would I want to complicate it?" The short answer is "Yes, I do believe I do."

There were many thoughts streaming through my consciousness as I walked through my youngest son's graduation day. So many thoughts. My emotions were stable but there was much going on beneath the surface.

As I sat in the auditorium with every beneficiary named in my will and three out of four of my "in case of common disaster" clause, I thought if some horrific disaster consumed the lives of all of those underneath that roof, there would only be one man left standing who was named within my will.

I thought that crazy, insane thought and shook my head. Who in the world thinks thoughts like that on a day that is supposed to be a full on celebration? Then I woke up to the news that has been going on around us. Shootings, rage, terrorism and a feeling that one never knows when a life could be lost is prevalent within our world.

I cannot focus on the unknowns and all I cannot control. The only thing I know how to do, is to spread kindness, try to raise wholehearted children, keep peace and tranquillity within our home, our hearts and family. I know how to listen and hope the words that escape my mouth and fingertips are ones of compassion, honesty and openness.

Our world is feeling very divided. I do believe what I wish for within our world is what I wish for within my own little family unit. "Each one of us is feeling and going through something completely diverse than the other and my present day wish is to find a way to unite us in our diversity."

We can't change the world. But we can change ourselves. I hope you look kindly upon those who are different than you today. Spread kindness in the hope that it grows and prospers. Kindness wins. I truly believe there is much more good than evil in this world of ours. The evil is getting far too much publicity. Ignoring it and pretending it isn't happening is probably not the answer. But how about reflecting kindness and compassion to those who frighten and threaten you? What if we looked Fear in the eye and listened to life from their perspective?

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."

~ James Baldwin

Integrity

A quote from Mom's family history book:

"Grandma’s integrity was unshakeable. There are some things that are best taught by example and Grandma lived what she taught. A gentleman was travelling through the area and asked if he could leave a suitcase at their place and he would pick it up when he came back that way. Twenty or thirty years later, he still hadn’t returned for his suitcase. Curiosity may have gotten the best of most of us, but Grandma never once would think of looking inside the suitcase." 

I searched Dad's family history document and the word integrity came up often - as Dad's brother's described their father and many of my cousins used "integrity" when encapsulating their father's (Dad's brothers) traits. My own description of Dad was this:

"I will never forget the kindness in Dad’s eyes, his willingness to take people at face value, judge them only according to how they treated him, his strong work ethic and the honesty and integrity he modeled."

Integrity. Of all the family traits I hope to have acquired, integrity tops my list. I hope it isn't just a word. I hope it is a story of the way I lived my life. 

Of all the compliments I could ever hear, the one that holds the greatest weight is hearing the words, in some capacity: "I know I can trust you with this ..."

If one thing can bring me to my knees, it is to be to be accused of betraying a confidence. It has been done. For this I am sorry beyond words.

Integrity is a character trait I can aspire to live and breathe. Hard working however? That is a family trait I hold in high esteem but I could never hold a candle to those who walk that walk. 

The Best Things in Life

Am I the only person on earth who is frustrated with pens that don't write?

I'll be writing along my merry way and the pen stops writing. I'll scribble on a piece of paper to get it working again. I'm off and writing for a while and it quits again. And again and again. I have recently discovered if I write on the side of the nib of the pen this works too. I've tried it all.

Even my favorite pens stopped writing reliably so I contacted the company. They sent me replacements. They weren't much better. I tried a different pen. No luck. I contacted the pen distributor. They sent me replacements. They were not an improvement.

Then I had some plumbing done. My plumber left a complimentary pen. I was so excited, he left several extra. These pens are amazing. They don't do anything other than write. But they write!! Where and whenever I want them to write, they actually work!

Unfortunately pens don't last forever. Two of them are on their last legs. Have you ever dropped a pen and bent the nib? I have. There is a first for everything. Bent pen nibs don't write well.

In the meantime, I have re-discovered an invention they stumbled upon long before I was born. Pencils. Plain, ordinary pencils. Not the new fangled click for-more-lead pencils. Real, live, need-to-be-sharpened pencils. They are amazing.

Pencils work. All the time. Yes, the lead wears down or breaks. But they also invented pencil sharpeners (I made the wise investment of a battery operated sharpener and it is my second favorite office tool, after the pencil itself).

I make mistakes. A lot of mistakes. Add an eraser to the pencil supply kit and you are good to go. Not all erasers are created equal. Make sure you invest in a good one. 

I do believe I heard somewhere along the way that NASA researchers worked diligently to invent a pen that would write in all conditions - upside down, in outer space, you name it. After all the research, you know what they discovered? Yep, you got it. Pencils.

Before I rediscovered the pencil, I was seriously considering getting some more plumbing done. Just for the pen. 

Yesterday's message was "the best things in life are free". Today's message is "some of the best things in life are the simplest of things". Just look around at what you already have and prepare to be amazed.

Cat Lessons

When life hands you a box, jump in it.

Truly, the best things in life are free. 

The Months of "No"

Shonda Rhimes' book "Year of Yes" was an inspiration to me. Her book was a testament to her year of "Yes" and the impact accepting life's invitations had on her life. 

I have tried the "Yes" way of life. It is fine. It has led me to places I would have never been before. It is both exhilarating and exhausting. It is hard. It is expensive. It goes against my naturally inherent introvert tendencies. The word "yes" depletes me as much as it enriches my life at times.

I have come to like the "easy yeses" instead.

I tried to come up with a list of "easy yeses" and my thought well ran dry. "Yes" does not come easy to me right now. I have been reveling in the COVID months of "No".

"No thank you" is my favorite go-to-response at the moment. 

As our world is gradually reopening there is a huge part of me that is screaming, "I'M NOT READY YET!!"

When I quizzed someone of the protocol about going out of province or whether having out of province guests would interfere with the ability to enter a retirement/senior living complex, they had to consult their books and came up with the response "As long as you aren't showing symptoms of COVID-19, you would be allowed access". My response to this was "Isn't it too late by then?" We both nodded our heads in agreement that the biggest risk was in spreading the virus while not showing symptoms. 

Due to the regular contact I have with my senior friends, I continue to be vigilant in my isolated little world. I don't get sick. Thus, I fear I could unknowingly spread a contagion to those who could be at risk. I continue to find reasons to say "No" to the invitations that are ever so slowly starting to reappear.

Where does paranoia start to overlap with common sense when it comes to the Coronavirus? Is my natural tendency to want to decline invitations being enabled by being able to label an excuse on it?

The reason I believe I am falling back on common sense is when it comes to invitations from family. It doesn't matter how depleted I feel, I equate interaction with my siblings to oxygen-for-my-soul. The answer is always, always, always "Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!".

This virus has beaten me down to a point where "No" is comfortable, safe, familiar, affordable and exactly where I most want to be.

I love the comfort weekends bring even more than I did during the B.C. (before COVID) days. I love parking the car Friday night and not starting it up again until I go to my aunt's on Monday.

I love, love, love working from home. I'm still having a little bit of trouble establishing boundaries but for the most part, my office-with-a-door offers most of the separation I need to keep work from infiltrating other areas of this oasis I call home.

I love the world of ordering online, free delivery or curbside pick-up. My heart clenches just a little before I enter a store-with-a-door. 

When I sat down with the words "the months of 'no' " at the tip of my fingertips this morning, my intent was to write of the lightness of heart I feel at living safely within the rules of isolation. Instead, the gravity of truth seeped out.

COVID-19, I truly appreciate the clarity, the isolation and lessons you have brought into our world. Personally, I am fortunate to say I have gained much more than I have lost though I know that is not the case for everyone. 

These months of "no" have been a holiday from life-as-I-know-it. It has been a reprieve from expectations. I know I must dip my toe back in the water and tentatively re-instate cautious "yeses" back into my world. The words "I'm not ready yet" have not yet been silenced. Perhaps there is a reason for that. Or maybe it is just an excuse.

One step in a forward direction, one step, one day at a time. Will take us where we need to go.

What Would You Do If You Were Retired?

Retirement is a hot topic of conversation between my aunt and me. I'm just a little older than her oldest child. He retired a few years ago. This triggers many conversations.

Q - Why aren't you retired?

A - I didn't plan well enough.

Q - How did my son retire then?

A - He stayed at the same job throughout his career. I quit my job with benefits and became a daycare provider with no benefits and no pension.

Q - Why didn't you just keep on putting money aside then?

A - I was just managing to pay the bills. There was not enough left over.

Q - How long are you going to work?

A - Until I'm at least 65 unless my job situation is taken out of my hands. 

Q - Why don't you retire now?

A - What in the world would I do with my time? I may as well work.

Q - What do you do with your time now?

A - I waste time like nobody's business. I hate to think what I would do if I didn't have to work.

Q - But what do you DO?

A - I do puzzles, I read, I write, I do my banking and play with my finances, I follow where my curiosity leads and lose track of time.

Q - What's wrong with that? 

A - Hmmmm .....

I have spent the past few mornings lost in the questions:

Q - How much has accepting and issuing life's invitations cost me the past few years?

A - Last year - about $3,000; the year before that (a year where I issued as many invitations as I accepted) - closer to $5,000

Revelation - The word "yes" is expensive

Q - Could I afford to retire if the bottom fell out of my employment income?

A - No

Q - Where did my inheritance go?

A - It went exactly where it needed to go. No regrets. But I'm still not quite set up to retire.

Q - What WOULD I do if I was retired?

A - I have sooooo many things I would like to do around here. First, I would sort through paperwork, memories and pictures. 

When I felt I had some semblance of order in all of the above, I would sit down with my letters to Mom and her letters to me. I would sort them into date and conversational order. I would cull the highlights and create a collage of "Dear Mom" letters and Mom's responses. 

What would I do if I was retired? I believe I would sit still with what I have and create order out of the papers, memories, pictures and letters I have collected.

Back to my aunt's question:

Q - What's wrong with that? 

A - Hmmmm .....

Revelation: I am grateful for the repetitive nature of our conversations. It reminds me to remember what I have is good and maybe wasting time like nobody's business today means I am planting seeds for tomorrow.

What seeds are you unknowingly planting today? What small, repetitive actions/conversations/thoughts are reminding you to think and rethink your fate? What question triggers your curiosity and subconsciously sets your thoughts in motion? 

Lose yourself in those thoughts and see where they take you. 

Do What You Can

"Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can" 

~ Arthur Ashe

Two Mondays in one week is one Monday too many.

Start where you are. 

I am sitting in a Thursday that feels like a Monday with the bonus of a weekend right around the corner. 

I will just go forward from here (what choice do I have?).

Use what you have. 

One more cup of coffee and I'll be good to go.

Do what you can.

I will do my best to get the job at hand done today so I can put it behind me for another year.

I know these words are so much deeper than this. But for today? This is enough.

Just go do what you can today. 

The Timid Peony

I am not a big fan of yard maintenance. I keep things simple. Grass and cement. Amen. No flower beds, flower pots, hanging flowers. None of that is for me.

My rationale is this: why in the world I spend money on something that is just going to die after nurturing, watering and caring for it all summer? Why would I pay good money to add one more thing to my to-do list?

I'm not saying I don't like flowers. I enjoy my neighbor's flowers and I am delighted when I come upon a flower growing in nature. They simply don't belong in my yard.

A peony bush came with our house. It is the plant that doesn't die. I've had at least two people ask to take a cutting from it (I don't speak "flowers" so I'm not sure if that is the right terminology) and I quickly agreed. Yes! Yes! Yes! Neither came back for their piece of this overgrown bush.

So our peony bush grows bigger by the year. Nature is predictable. Whenever this bush is in full bloom we end up with a rain that results in this:

Depending on my grumpiness factor, I have on occasion, cut all of the buds off before the peony bloomed just to save it from this tragic fate. Besides, it is less messy to clip the buds and they take up much less space in the garbage. I was waivering back and forth this year. I really felt like nipping the job in the bud but I had just confessed my grumpy-peony-story to a few people so I didn't want to be predictable.

It was as though our peony bush could sense its fate. While our next door neighbor's peony bush was in full bloom a week ago, ours delayed its debut. If a peony bush had personality, I would say it was timid. The buds were there but opened ever so slowly and lots of them were holding back.

They must have all burst into bloom at the same time yesterday. I came home from work, noticed the bush and anticipated the bloom clipping job ahead. Then I woke up to this peony catastrophe this morning.

I like flowers. I just don't want to own them.